I think the silliest thing about the left-wing nutters is this “reality based” world they live; it’s sort of like a role playing game based on the real world and sit in their basements pretending their blog posting and internet petitions are saving America from being overtaken by fascism. “I’m a level five activist with an enchanted placard of influence!” Because these people are completely worthless and have nothing else in life, so politics can’t simply be about competing view points about how to get to the same end, they need to prop it up to being a struggle to save the world. It’s silly and inane, but it makes them feel important. Also, it makes me want to kick them in the balls and shout, “Loser!” for the sake of their education.

 Of course, such self-inflation isn’t monopolized by liberal weenies. The Democrats have won an election which brings the inevitably brings out whiny fears from the right about the Dems destroying our country. Many on the right are sure their issue is under attack, and, as goes their pet issue, thus goes the fate of mankind. For instance, I don’t know how I got on these mailing lists, but everyday I get like fifty different e-mails about how President Bush is about to sell our sovereignty to Mexico with such over hyped urgency I just want to shout, “Bitch, be cool!”

 Now, there are a lot of problems in the world today… but for reference, I should mention there were a lot of problems in the world yesterday. Plus, there will still be plenty tomorrow. The one thing I know about handling problems is that it helps to project strength, and you don’t project strength about getting bloody hysterical about every issue out there. Is running around like Chicken Little showing strength? No, he was voice by Zach Braff. Is Zach Braff manly? Not at all!

 “But Frank!” you say (well, not you, my readers – one of those hysterical people I’m talking about), “There are real problems out there with illegal immigration and Muslims!” Yes, there are real problems out there that should be handled, but there’s a difference between recognizing a wasp can sting you and it will hurt and jumping up and down on a table and screaming because a wasp is in the room.

 For instance, let’s look at two issues that conservatives tend to be concerned (or too concerned) about: illegal immigration and the spread of Muslim extremists (often in the same circle known simply as “Muslims”). With illegal immigration, we have an uncontrolled border in which Mexicans and sometimes terrorists slip through. The Mexicans harm the economy by taking jobs away from Americans. Many also don’t speak English and don’t emulate our culture.

 But that’s it!

 Sure, it’s plenty and a problem that must be addressed, but it’s not going to destroy the country. I mean, really, how do some of the alarmist think the Mexicans are going to take over the country? “If we don’t handle this problem RIGHT NOW then one day you’ll turn around and then there will be nothing but Mexicans and then they’ll… uh… and take their sombreros and…” And why is it that the main people I see going on and on about how illegal immigration is going to destroy our country not anyone who has a job that a Mexican can steal? I know there are some out there, but so many people so overly concerned with illegal immigration aren’t directly affected at all – which is a red flag when you’re looking for real concern versus puffed up invented concern. If you’re one of those people with a ranch near the border and want to join the Minutemen, more power to you. Everyone else, just chill. And those who think the government is secretly plotting to form a North American Union, please commit yourself to the nearest institution.

 As for the Islamic extremists, there are plenty of them and they are plotting to kill us right now. Also plotting to kill you: the ant colony you accidentally stepped on. Yes, the Muslims are a greater threat, but they have about as much chance of taking over the world and imposing Sharia on everyone as the ants have of taking over the world and making us work in their underground sugar mines. Nitwits with bombs are very bad and we must make every effort we can to stop them, but as bad as things get, it’s still going to be a million times more likely you’ll die in a car crash than because of a Muslim.

 “But they’re growing in number and their population will overtake Europe and…” Oh, shut up. Sure, extremists will gain ground in some areas, but the whole thing collapses when any of those idiots actually tries to hold power. You may think the most radical Muslims are immune from reality, but reality, which is very large and often very angry, is not scared of Islamists. Reality is plotting to crush them even as we speak.

 A wise man once said, “If you see ten troubles coming down the road, you can be sure that nine will run into the ditch before they reach you.” To put it another way, stop freaking out thinking that every problem in the distance is about to run you over. Handle things for what they are, but don’t pretend every issue is some struggle to save the soul of the world. If you want to pretend to be important, go play “reality based” Dungeons & Dragons in a basement with some Kos Kid. Or, better yet, be a real conservative and face things for what they are instead of being a hysterical little girl. If you don’t, it could be the end of society as we know it.
Frank J. is a syndicated columnist whose columns appear worldwide on IMAO.us and is the author of such books as “The Chronicles of Dubya Volume 1: The Defeat of Saddam” and “Shades of Evil: America’s Growing Tree Threat”.