It’s not often that people use the words jobs and Democrats in the same sentence, but it happened this week at a new product launch. Apple Computer (now known as Apple, Inc.) CEO Steve Jobs today introduced a new model of his upcoming I-phone. Announced Steve, “We’re proud to present the ultimate organizer for today’s leading Democrats — the I-Quit.”
With all of the features of a regular phone, but none of the functionality, the I-Quit is the ideal organizer for today’s modern leader.

Menu Buttons include: (From left to right)
Communication: Now in charge, the Democrats have a plan for peace that will rival anything brokered by President Clinton. New Peace Plans Programs come with over 100 excuses and ways to blame Israel. You can get up to 10,000 excuses with the Jimmy Carter upgrade.
Leadership. The Nancy button is the first female button in the history of phones. You don’t want to push this button too often as it has a tendency to push back and try to ruin you.
Friends and Family Button. Like OBL, friends are simply murderous strangers that you haven’t met yet. This program lets you keep track of murderous terrorists to keep you safe, or — if you prefer — you can use it to track the current movements of the Royal Family.
Friends Chat List: This special messaging system is perfectly developed to help you reach your friends. Remember — Cell phone signals don’t always penetrate tin foil. You’ll want this feature.
Outlook. Coordinate activity with fellow Democrats. Need to schedule a meeting to talk economics, homeland security, or illegal immigration? Then this Outlook program might be just the thing.
Translate. When the static in that tunnel gets to the point where everyone sounds like a bona-fide plastered drunk, click this translating feature to help those slurred words pop back into English.
411: This handy button helps you navigate and bypass all those dangerous streets. This is perfect when traveling through Paris and you need to bypass all cars set afire by the Youths Of France.
International Calls: A handy button helps you dial calls to any civilized foreign nation. (Button will not reach Australia, Britain, or any American Allies in this Quagmire of a War.) You can call up to say, “Hi” or “How Ya Doin'” or “Obliterate the Israeli Threat Now!”
The Nothing Button. Unfortunately, due to a design botch, this button does nothing useful. Apple I-Quit designers did not want this button. Actually, some of them were for this button before they were against it. It might become active by 2008.
Home Keys.
Home keys allow Democrats to resort to their tried and true strategies for success.
Issues Button. This focuses on Republican scandal and reminds voters how awful Republicans truly are. (Note: This button cannot be programmed to register Democrat scandal as it is all a right wing fabrication.)
WWSD: What Would Saddam Do. This home button gives one the ability to think like Saddam, who reigned over a peaceful Iraq, unlike the mess it is now. Use when you are in doubt over genocide versus sectarian violence.
Chimpy Did It: This vital home key reminds people that every bad thing is the fault of the George W. Bush. This includes Hurricane Katrina (the hurricane itself, not the levee breakage) the booming economy (which is the worst in the history of mankind) , Global Warming, and the Donald Trump- Rosie O’ Donnell Fued.
100 Hours Button: This button helps today’s Dem remind voters that 100 hours is more than enough to talk about doing something over 100 hours. Even if nothing happens, remind voters of your good intentions and your determined focus. (Note: 100 hours button does not function on Sundays when there is a football game on TV)
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This new phone is set to ship on February 14th, 2007. It will come in one color: African American as any white phone would be a racist sign of oppression. Limited quantities will be available south of the Mason-Dixon line.