Lesser Known Effects of Global Warming
As you’ve probably heard, scientists have concluded that global warming is making polar bears smaller. I know what you’re thinking — “Now I’ll finally be able to slap around those stupid polar bears!” — but you have to realize that these changes in the norm adversely affect everything. Here are some things to watch out for:
LESSER KNOWN EFFECTS OF GLOBAL WARMING
* Larger squirrels.
* Tighter face for Nancy Pelosi.
* Gradual increase in length for the American Idol results show.
* Gradual disappearance of orange M&Ms.
* Faster snails.
* Increase in delusions that Obama is smart.
* Bolder barbecue sauces.
* Increase in appearance of sleeves on blankets.
* Whinier hippies.
* Decrease in Mr. T’s pity.
* Increased obscurity in Dennis Miller jokes.
* Bird songs less in tune.
* Phatter beats.
* Less frequent updates on humor blogs.
* More tweeting.
(23 votes, average: 4.87 out of 5)
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September 1st, 2009 at 12:06 pm
*Hotter Sauce
*Increasing “I’m a Mac” violence
*Sweatier ducks
*Gradual shift from V to Q formation in migratory birds
*Increased incidence of swallow-facilitated coconut migration
September 1st, 2009 at 12:08 pm
* Increase of “ass” in badassery
September 1st, 2009 at 12:18 pm
So the world is getting “gayer”?
September 1st, 2009 at 12:26 pm
>>> * Less frequent updates on humor blogs.
This is not acceptable. We must save the polar bears and we must save the updates. Bust a cap’n trade on as many azzes as necessary to keep the posts flowing.
September 1st, 2009 at 12:35 pm
Whinier hippies?
Just frikkin’ shoot me now.
September 1st, 2009 at 12:46 pm
Super Bowl victory for the Minnesota Vikings with Bret Farve as QB! Suck it GB! (there is a reason they are called “packers”) and I hear the entire team are Tweeters!
September 1st, 2009 at 12:57 pm
Big Macs get bigger.
Whoppers get whopperier.
Teh One will seek more refuge in his bucket.
Harry Reid will get dingier.
Dick Cheney will get angrier. (Yay!!)
Keith Oburman will wet his pants even more.
September 1st, 2009 at 1:00 pm
In a complete reversal of previous scientific doctrine - scientists now believe that global warming causes moose farts.
September 1st, 2009 at 1:31 pm
* Less beer.
* Those annoying Mockingbirds that sing outside my window at midnight will get even louder.
* More fat Democrats will go shirtless.
September 1st, 2009 at 1:32 pm
* To prevent the Sun from getting any hotter, Fred Thompson will instead throw corrupt Democrat pork-spenders into Venus.
September 1st, 2009 at 1:33 pm
You’re right, Ussjc. Now whenever Favre throws a stupid pass (being a “gunslinger” and all) the ball will melt before it can reach the defensive back who was going to intercept it.
September 1st, 2009 at 1:36 pm
* Obama will go for more ice cream while people die in the streets of [fill-in-the-blank oppressed country].
September 1st, 2009 at 1:40 pm
Seems like the only thing we’re not getting from “global warming” is higher temperatures
September 1st, 2009 at 2:04 pm
*Cheeseburgers in Paradise must now come with piping hot cocoa instead of margaritas.
*Board shorts and red long-johns? Nice look.
*”Blew out my mukluk, Gore is a dumbf***…”
Went to see Jimmy Buffett this weekend in WI…he had to wear a parka! Can we PLEEEEASE put the myth to rest, already?
September 1st, 2009 at 2:07 pm
*Dogs and cats living together!
*Chocolate rain
*Bears will become smarter than average; steal more picnic baskets
*Rick James will replace Rick Astley as the Rick Roll of choice
September 1st, 2009 at 2:29 pm
* Chafing
September 1st, 2009 at 2:41 pm
My dog’s nose will become decidedly warmer….but my ex-wife’s heart will stay as cold as ever.
September 1st, 2009 at 3:16 pm
Crap! I didn’t know global warming caused a decrease in humor blog updates and and, more importantly, an increase in twitter. We have to stop this crap. I can’t stand that stupid twitter crap. We need to stop global warming before the internet implodes and just becomes one giant twitspacebook. We didn’t listen!
September 1st, 2009 at 3:27 pm
Global warming may lead to socialized medicine in the USA. Here is the logic:
Global warming -> Incessant rants by Al Gore -> Ted Kennedy’s brain tumor -> Ted Kennedy’s death -> Democrats pass socialized health care bill in memory of Ted Kennedy.
That’s how it could happen, folks.
September 1st, 2009 at 4:10 pm
it makes hippies more punchable.
September 1st, 2009 at 4:49 pm
algore and john travolta end their contest to see who can get the fattest.
democommies quit pretending to be “watermellons” for air conditioning.
present hussein sheds his diguise as a human so he can sun on a rock.
Punches land short of hippies and “tweeters”.
September 1st, 2009 at 5:15 pm
If global warming means less beer we might as well have obamacare - who wants to live in such a world!? Just give me the blue pill now! or is it the red pill?
September 1st, 2009 at 7:55 pm
Oooh, Frank, you need to correct that. It’s Tighter squirrels, Larger face for Nancy Pelosi.
September 1st, 2009 at 9:48 pm
When the polar bears get small enough, we can train them to run in hamster wheels to generate electricity to power our air-conditioners.
Everyone wins!
September 1st, 2009 at 10:51 pm
the chappaquiddick bay is warming and bubbling over and anyone who tries to swim in those waters turns into dead squid - I got this straight from Aquaman
September 2nd, 2009 at 3:36 am
Max Shiraz,
Apparently, lower temperatures are a direct result of higher temperatures.
September 2nd, 2009 at 8:44 am
Global Warming: Causing Libtard Encephalitis since Al Gore discovered it.
September 2nd, 2009 at 8:49 am
1)Increase in the sale of Anti-Perspirants. Part of my get rich slow scheme is to invest in anti-perspirant stocks.
September 2nd, 2009 at 8:54 am
Full employment of Little Dutch Boys who plug leaks in the Dykes of The Netherlands. Sexual Double-Entendre intended.
September 2nd, 2009 at 8:56 am
Total disregard for Revelation 16:8-9
September 2nd, 2009 at 4:21 pm
Speaking of Nancy Pelosi, is there any truth to the rumor that if she gets her face lifted one more tim you’ll be able to see her nipples on her shoulders?
September 2nd, 2009 at 4:32 pm
I applaud you on your understanding of polymer behavior with temperature changes. A slight temperature increase results in a more ordered polymer, for example: When a rubber band is heated, it will contract in length. (It will contract in width and depth, too, but who cares?)
Pelosi of course will have a tighter face over time no matter what the temperature. She will eventually look like Joan Rivers and make just as much sense.
September 3rd, 2009 at 2:40 am
Water vapor is 20-50 times more effective, as a greenhouse gas, as CO2. Should we convert to cars that are run by “fuel cells” by converting hydrogen and oxygen into “energy”, we would be releasing just that much more “greenhouse gas” into the atmosphere. What a brilliant idea.