What to Expect from a Government Shutdown

Posted on March 31, 2011 12:02 pm

So there is the possibility of a government shutting down coming up. The Democrats seem to want it because they think it will be politically advantageous, but those guys would support a Nazi invasion of the U.S. if they thought politically advantageous to them. Still, I think maybe the government shutdown would be a good thing. I mean, if we just shut the whole thing down, that’s basically the only way to ensure we don’t spend anymore money. And maybe we can just declare bankruptcy on the federal government and forget all that debt and be done with it.

Anyway, here’s what to expect from a government shutdown:

* All legislators will now have to find real jobs, but there are few places that consider voting yes and no on lots of stuff as qualifying experience — and certainly they won’t be $200,000 a year for that.

* If you were dependent on any sort of welfare from the federal government, you’re probably gonna die. Sorry!

* With no federal government, there won’t be any enforced rules of engagement for troops overseas. In fact, you guys are just basically wandering ronin now. So if you see someone you think needs a killin’, just go ahead and shoot him.

* Obama will end up on the side of the road with a sign saying, “Will make impotent proclamations for food.”

* Federal prisons will shut down and all the prisoners will escape. They’ll probably have an easier time finding gainful employment than the legislators.

* U.S. currency will no longer be supported, so you’ll need to get your money in something that will last the government shutdown such as Facebook credits.

* Without the federal government, each state will now become and independent country. If your state wants to invade Kentucky and steal all its gold, you better be quick about it because I bet a lot of other states have the same idea.

* Without a big federal government to push everyone around, liberals won’t know what to do with themselves and will all die off during the winter. Too bad winter is about over so it will be a while until that happens.

* There will be no federal enforcement of borders, so it will be up to the states now without any outside interference. That means you can finally build that fence to keep Californians out.

* The U.S. Postal service will shutdown, which means you’ll only be able to use Netflix instant streaming as they’ll no longer be able to get you DVDs. If the post office shutting affects you in any other way, then come on; get with this century, people.

* You know that guy who always yells at you when you try to climb the statue of Abraham Lincoln, well he ain’t gonna be there no more so no one is going to stop me!

Some people will then plot on how to get the federal government running again, but I think that’s pretty wrong-headed. Eventually, we should adjust just fine to no federal government and probably be better off in the long run. A federal government seemed like and interesting idea, but it was just unworkable. Well, let’s just dust off those Articles of Confederation and give those a try again.

So who has a truck and can help me steal a T-Rex from the Smithsonian?

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31 Responses to “What to Expect from a Government Shutdown”

  1. KnitterChick says:

    A government shutdown? NOOooooo….don’t throw me in the Briar Patch!

    Is this one of those situations where we are supposed to have a supply of bottled water and some visqueen & duct tape to cover our windows? Or iodine tablets? An inflatable raft?

    I can’t keep all the disaster preparedness instructions straight. However, I am prepared to use bacon as currency.

  2. DamnCat says:

    * Bad news for U.S troops overseas: they will have to fight their way home just like in The Warriors.

    * Good news for U.S troops overseas: Finders Keepers!

  3. Larsinkima says:

    “Will make impotent proclamations for food.”

    How about “Will fill out brackets for food stamps.” Wait, are food stamps federal or state? I guess he’ll find out…next year anyway.

  4. EdthePastor says:

    Great work Basil. Frank couldn’t possibly put down his Nintento 3DS long enough to write a post this long and it’s funny too.

  5. Iowa Jim says:

    That means you can finally build that fence to keep Californians out.

    If it snows with any frequency in your state, you don’t have to do this; the Californians will stay away.

  6. MarkoMancuso says:

    * Breaking the Law would be the new national anthem ONLY THERE AIN’T NO LAW ANYMORE, BOY! YEEEHAW!
    * We will finally make You’ve Got Another Thing Comin’ our national anthem!
    * Virginia will be filled with awestruck Marines and the same old rednecks as General Puller rises from the dead to command a new army of Devildogs.
    * Shootouts at the local town square every single weekend.
    * Every sensible state will pass a concealed carry law. And gun crimes will not skyrocket.
    * Killing will again be legalized in football. Each state will field their own all-star football teams for a true national championship. The bloodshed on our fields of play will prepare us for the challenges of the new world.

  7. MarkoMancuso says:

    * Maryann Sumi will control her own little world in Dane County, Wisconsin. Her neighbors will include cats living with dogs, homosexual polar bears, and the only remaining Mafiosi in America.

  8. MarkoMancuso says:

    * The ghost of John Paul Jones will rise to command thousands of mercenary sailors and all four of the Iowa class battleships. Applications for positions aboard the ships will be filled out as soon as they are printed.

  9. Carolyn says:

    You want to steal a T-REX from the Smithsonian? FrankJ, my heart aches for SarahK. If you want to steal something from the Smithsonian, think about the two most imortant females in your life. I have two words for you: Hope Diamond.

  10. Burmashave says:

    …If your state wants to invade Kentucky and steal all its gold, you better be quick about it because I bet a lot of other states have the same idea.

    I wouldn’t recommend it, but it’d be great sport to watch. Gold isn’t the main issue. Fort Knox hosts the Patton museum. Bad karma doesn’t really describe what would happen. What would describe it is that the attackers would find their g-nads being used for tank track grease.

    If necessary, army engineers would of course navigate an Iowa class battleship up the Ohio River just to blow attackers into itty bitty pieces.

    @DarnCat: A Warriors style engagement all the way home — it’s not a bad idea. No ROE, and our forces could extract collect tribute.

  11. Son of Bob says:

    So, just to be clear here…if the federal government shuts down, there are people who will view that as a bad thing? Umm…okay.

  12. NO_MO_BAMA says:

    “……but those guys would support a Nazi invasion of the U.S. if they thought politically advantageous to them.”

    They already support the Mexican/Muslim/insert 3rd world hellhole here invasion , isn’t that enough?

  13. storm1911 says:

    A government shut down would mean the unicorns would stop pooping skittles and rainbows.

  14. Adobe Walls says:

    I’m heartened by all of the positive adaptations proposed here.

  15. Shiggz says:

    We are at a bit of a crossroads, here are our possible paths.

    -Hard decisions made and the government, welfare state, and tax code are all cut down and reorganized into a sustainable model. Social security and medicare etc.. are all basically saved. The party that leads on it is out of power for 50 years.

    -We ignore the hard choice and just keep going like we have been within 2-8 years (depending on the economy and health of Euro) foreign lenders jump ship then the dollar tanks when the fed starts creating dollars even faster to fund government and we end up with a peso/zimbabwe like dollar.

    -We ignore the hard choice and just keep going …see above…then the dollar tanks. Fed is blocked from printing. Govt bankrupts social security/welfare checks start bouncing…???? (bad things happen)

    -the Democrats get on board we reform/cut up and down to save the current system, taxes go up, 1/3 of govt employees laid off. Social Security age raised to 75+. Healthcare and welfare turned over to states. Our children work their whole lives to pay off interest on debt to Chinese. Have little to no government services. Dollar worth half and falling of its current value. Gas 8$ gallon, unemployment 15-20%+.

    So you ask but if its so late now why didnt we reform these things before Obamas spending/baby boomer retiring apocalypsed us.

    One man did try

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6mqSXsNJzRM

  16. Raving Lunatic says:

    If it snows with any frequency in your state, you don’t have to do this; the Californians will stay away.

    I know this to be disturbingly true. Waaay back in the 80′s, I went to college in Prescott, AZ. One of my roommates my freshman year was from L.A. That winter we got a fantastic snow; dude locked himself in the bathroom and cried for hours over it. Literally. I don’t I have seen anything since anywhere near as astoundingly insane since (excluding the last few years of politics, of course).

  17. Crabby Old Bat says:

    It’s true, we Californians are light-weights when it come to weather. Two nights ago, my daughter was huddled in an electric blanket and complaining that it was f-f-f-freeeeezing in the house, and why oh why was I too mean to turn up the thermostat? It was 66 degrees in the house.

    For those of you living in colder climates: It’s over 90 degrees in Southern California today. Neener, neener.

  18. Ernie Loco says:

    * If you were dependent on any sort of welfare from the federal government, you’re probably gonna die. Sorry! Good riddance you parasitic bum!

    FIFY

  19. Jimmy says:

    Carolyn… Diamonds are not a girl’s best friend. Chocolate is.

    Shut It Down! Shut It Down! Shut It Down! Shut It Rown! Shut It Rown! Sit Ron!
    It Run Pa! It Run Pa! I Run Pa! I Run Pau! I Run Pau! I Ron Pau! Ron Paul!
    Ron Paul! Ron Paul! Ron Paul! Ron Paul! Ron Paul! Ron Paul!! Ron Paul!!

    Ron Paul!!!11!!11!

  20. ussjimmycarter says:

    So will that mean we can fly without having our junk man/woman handled by perverts working as TSA agents? That would be cool! We could then resort to smart security procedures like shooting any Muslims that enter the airport! Then we will claim they yelled Allah Akbar…some people will say they didn’t hear that…we will shoot them too!

    Then we make a raid on the Treasury…oh yea…they are broke. We make a raid on Fort Knox…yea like there’s any gold left there!!! I’m sure Obama has spent all that too! Ok, so whatever caper we dream up must be a Federal offense since there are no Federal Offense preventors working! Like, we rope into the NY Fed from the ceiling and do a bunch of smart computer stuff to open the vault and we take gobs of cash!!!! Muwahahahahahah!!!! Oh and wedgies for any Federal employee that we encounter. Nuclear wedgies where we pull their underpants up over their head!

  21. plentyobailouts says:

    @KnitterChick: I can’t keep all the disaster preparedness instructions straight. However, I am prepared to use bacon as currency.

    I am for sale.

    Will anyone other than the parasites actually notice if the federal government shuts down? So you can’t go an ooh and ah Mount Rushmore, or visit Alcatraz, Its not like they are that interesting anyway, and Mount Rushmore is easily visible from the highway.

    Shut it down , then have each and every department agency and employee voted on by the people with the same rules as the president is elected before they can begin operations again.

  22. Shiggz says:

    Whats funny is that if the left had just been content with the already fairly large size of the welfare state under Clinton they could have had their welfare state mostly solvent for the rest of their lives. Instead they got greedy convinced themselves they could expand it endlessly and either rob from the rich or use a magic keynes genie to wish their way out of it. In the end the greed for power and wealth cause all the flavors of Marxism to destroy itself.

    There is enough pie to support government funding for some groups pick 4:

    -illegals
    -permanently unemployed
    -disabled
    -retirees
    -free emergency room care
    -public union members
    -college subsidies
    -middle class children
    -education
    -environment protection
    -subsidized industries

    They chose all of the above. As someone who believes socialism destroys individual souls, cultures, and nations I couldn’t be happier to see them collapse it all on their own.

  23. KnitterChick says:

    @Jimmy “Diamonds are not a girl’s best friend. Chocolate is.”

    Jimmy, I challenge you to put a tiny blue box from Tiffany’s and a box from Godiva in front of a woman. See which one she picks.

  24. Jimmy says:

    The conversation goes like this, KnitterChick:

    “Oh, dear! You shouldn’t have! How lovely. How sweet. Thank you… ah….”
    “But can I eat the chocolate first?”

    “No! You have to pick one.”

    :-(

  25. Iowa Jim says:

    All legislators will now have to find real jobs

    We turned out our governor (a man who had been a football star at Virginia Tech, and, judging by his behavior as governor, hadn’t been too careful about
    wearing his helmet) last election. He’s still learning how to say “Would you like fries with that?”

  26. Iowa Jim says:

    For those of you living in colder climates: It’s over 90 degrees in Southern California today. Neener, neener.

    For those of you living in Southern California, I moved here from Silicon Valley last May, and I haven’t locked my door yet.

  27. Crabby Old Bat says:

    For those of you living in Southern California, I moved here from Silicon Valley last May, and I haven’t locked my door yet.

    I don’t lock mine either. Have you seen the Best Buy commercial where the family returns home to discover that they have been burglarized, only to realize that the burglars didn’t bother to take the outdated dinosaur of a computer they owned? Everything I own is like that.

  28. viking says:

    the burglars didn’t bother to take the outdated dinosaur of a computer they owned? Everything I own is like that.

    We got broken into a few years back. The cops aked what was taken. I told them my Commodore 64 was gone. They laughed, & said “Well, at least you know he’s not going to get any money for it”

  29. Carolyn says:

    Raving Lunatic,

    Yavapai or EmbryRidddle?

    Prescott, AZ is currently trying to keep the Californians out – they’re buying up everything and ruining it. Of course, these are the enlightened Californians (the ones who have realized that there is a world outside cannabis, the Lakers, and the beach).

  30. Robb says:

    Dear Frank

    I have a lifted Ford 350 pickup truck and my best friend has a Ford 650. Oh and I also have multiple friends who can get their hands on flatbed towtrucks if needed. It might be easier though to cut a hole in the roof and airlift something that big. Let me know if you need my assistance.

  31. Basil says:

    Wife’s got a truck. She’s busy with other things right now, so I can take it to the Smithsonian. One question? Can we make two trips? I want a triceratops. Or a stegosaurus.

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