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Wisdom of the Day: Liam Abraham Bean Feminist School

Wednesday, August 27, 2014 5:00 pm

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Random Thoughts: Swing Copters, Canada, and Feminism

Wednesday, August 27, 2014 9:23 am

Got a galley copy of my new book. See? I didn’t make it up.

I thought the new game from the maker of Flappy Birds was too hard to be addictive, but I was wrong.

The recent change to it to give some clear skies before the first obstacle helps you get in the rhythm of things.

Stings are in the hands of the bee holder.

There’s little more American than doing all you can to avoid paying taxes.

Dollars in the free market can flourish and reproduce, while dollars in the hands of the government get butchered.

If were losing businesses to Canada over taxes, then the problem is with us and not the businesses.

The country that remained loyal to our British oppressors somehow has better taxes. That’s not right.

I won’t believe you’re a feminist if you can’t demonstrate proper firearm usage.

Will feminism ever advance to the point I can tell my wife to kill the spider herself, or is that just being unrealistic?

Wasn’t one of the temptations in the desert Satan trying to get Jesus to recline His airplane seat?

“You deserve it. You did pay for the seat.”
“Get behind me, Satan!”

I don’t care about corporate taxes. I feel I’m getting a big enough benefit from Apple if they weren’t paying a dime of taxes.

Your benefit should come companies making great products at affordable prices. The taxes they pay are inconsequential in comparison.

The military is the one part of the government that functions well because it’s the only part actually meant to destroy things.

It’s become confusing what is and isn’t feminism. Easy rule: If you can imagine yourself taking it seriously, it’s probably not feminism.

If women aren’t getting equal pay for equal work, have they tried nagging?

Do you want equality, or do you want to run to the government every time you think you have a problem?

Have they found one actual instance of a woman getting 30% less for the same work, or is there just the bogus stat to repeat endlessly?

Why are only men expected to competently negotiate a salary? We have no idea what we’re doing either.

If you could actually pay women 30% less for the same work, men would never be able to find employment.

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Wisdom of the Day: Confection Dragon Tuxedo Ponytail Motorcycle Earthquake

Monday, August 25, 2014 5:00 pm

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Random Thoughts: Misogyny, Simpsons, and Partying

Monday, August 25, 2014 9:17 am

Richard Dawkins doesn’t want children to grow up to lead sad, miserable lives, but how would you know if a child would grow up to be him?

There’s a lot of racism you can get away with if you make it clear you’re for higher taxes and more government.

To help end misogyny, have women tried being nicer?

See, the joke itself makes a misogynistic assumption. If I have to explain the joke, that means it’s very intellectual and thus good.

Can’t believe I had to mansplain my misogyny joke.

All of America’s enemies getting together for a golf tournament would be a great end to the President Obama movie.

The Obama presidency is stupid, but I like to think of it as a uniquely American kind of stupid I can still take pride in.

One of these days I need to sit you all down and have a long chat on how awesome I am because I still think you don’t quite understand.

We all hate millennials, but we still have to work on making them productive so they can eventually pay for our entitlements.

I should be subjecting my children to the Simpsons marathon, but I don’t have cable.

So it’s a 12-day Simpsons marathon — that’s how many good days?

Really, the first ten or so season of The Simpsons have to be the single biggest influence on my sense of humor.

I remember having long conversations with friends that was nothing but quoting lines from The Simpsons.

One of these days I should do my top 100 Simpsons lines/moments, though it would be hard to cut down to that few.

The Simpsons gave me ten good seasons, and I continued to watch them for about ten seasons more.

Last late episode I remember really liking was the book heist one that had Neil Gaiman as a guest voice. Great end joke.

I remember the last season I watched being pretty decent, but it was like “Classic Itchy & Scratchy! … What else is on?”

Understanding ISIS is best left to anthropologists who dig up their bones a thousand years from now.

I hope they finally have Mr. T do a cameo on Doctor Who. “I pity the Who!”

The new game from the Flappy Bird creator is about a hundred times harder.

Swing Copters would be insanely hard without the swinging hammers. With them, it’s just ridiculous.

You can basically name any episode from the first ten seasons of The Simpsons and I can come up with a few funny lines from it.

Did they change the actor for who plays the main character in Doctor Who? Do they think they can do that and we won’t notice?

I remember when we had presidents who respected us enough to pretend to care.

Okay, I’ll finally ask: How does one “party”? Do you dance to loud music? What are the mechanics of it?

I haven’t followed music in a while. Who is the popular new band now? Beck?

Autotune was made to help ease us into all music being computer generated.

If you actually remember when MTV mainly just played music videos, then you’re way too old to be watching MTV.

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Presidenting Is Hard

Saturday, August 23, 2014 10:57 am

In my new PJ Media column, I defend President Obama for all the vacations he takes.

In a way, his lack of concern about Ferguson should help with race relations, as we now know that a black president can care just as little about black people as a white president would. It’s probably a different kind of apathy, as Obama better understands what black people are going through, having experienced racism himself, but at least he is ignoring everyone equally.

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Wisdom of the Day: Housemade Irony Warming Cloud Parkour Action

Friday, August 22, 2014 5:00 pm

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Random Thoughts: Harry Potter and Bicyclists

Friday, August 22, 2014 9:12 am

Isn’t the whole country a free-speech zone?

Harry Potter stamps? What’s a British person doing on US stamps? OBAMA!!! *shakes fist*

So how many bicyclists are people who can’t afford cars and how many are just sociopaths?

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Wisdom of the Day: Islam Sudoku Cake Beheading

Thursday, August 21, 2014 5:00 pm

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Random Thoughts: Isolationism, Unarmed People, and Dawkins

Thursday, August 21, 2014 9:02 am

American presidents are at their Americaniest when confronting evil.

The U.S. is really isolationist until we decide there are bastards in need of killin’, which is constantly.

If you want America to be less involved, the rest of the world needs to stop being a bunch of bastards we need to kill.

I still don’t understand the ice bucket thing.

People with guns, stop shooting unarmed people. Unarmed people, stop trying to beat up people with guns.

One day scientists need to determine how we can explain to a dog that a doorbell renders their barking completely unnecessary.

A completely logical universe would be absolute nothingness. Instead we got this weirdness.

Instead of shooting to kill, why don’t cops just roundhouse kick people like Walker Texas Ranger?

A good example of a purely logical being would be a computer not running any programs.

So the idea behind Richard Dawkins is that it’s very appealing to hear about how flawed religion is from a complete sociopath?

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Wisdom of the Day: Fast Bucket Ebola Born Single

Wednesday, August 20, 2014 5:00 pm

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Random Thoughts: Free Speech and Mugshots

Wednesday, August 20, 2014 9:15 am

We still have free speech in this country. You just might have to speak while a guy in body armor points a rifle at you. For your safety.

For all we white people knew, black people were perfectly happy. In their neighborhood over there. The one we avoid.

What is the practical need for the mugshot? Are they afraid they’ll grab the wrong guy, thinking he’s the governor?

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Wisdom of the Day: Eggs Val Coma Harmony Race

Tuesday, August 19, 2014 5:00 pm

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Random Thoughts: Marijuana, Stalin, and NYTimes

Tuesday, August 19, 2014 9:18 am

Apparently the galleys went out for my new book. Not sure to whom. If you have one, you are of the lucky few.

I’ve never smoked marijuana, but I once smelled some at a Dave Matthews concert and then immediately I wanted to punch a cop.

Is the pope using his infallibility when he says, “Kill the bastards!”?

Maybe we could solve things if we are all just angrier about how we’re sure we’re right.

As Josef Stalin said, “The death of one man is a tragedy, the death of millions is a hashtag.”

Josef Stalin never actually said anything like that death of millions quote often attributed to him. STOP SLANDERING JOSEF STALIN!

Wow, you can almost feel how painful it is for them to overcome their partisanship to have a modicum of integrity.

I’m guessing first draft ended with “Even so, he’s an icky Republican and we don’t like him. Ew.”

I’m writing a column. I haven’t done one in a while, which isn’t fair to all of you.

You all deserve to have my opinions. And I deserve to be paid for them.

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Wisdom of the Day: Rock Defendant Blood Ponytail Bar Social Girls

Monday, August 18, 2014 5:00 pm

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Random Thoughts: Ferguson, Rick Perry, and Magneto

Monday, August 18, 2014 9:20 am

I follow A LOT of conservatives. How am I missing all the angry racists who like black kids being shot?

It’s actually pretty scary how a hateful, racist right-winger lives in every left-winger’s head.

Maybe there’s a reason the Ferguson police department waited so long to put out information, but it doesn’t seem like that was very helpful.

There are two witnesses saying Michael Brown had his hands up while being shot. That he’s a robbery suspect doesn’t put an end to this.

And even if it ends up being a textbook shooting, there are now other issues at play here with the police response afterward.

Why are libertarians silent on how big government is?

Why aren’t vegans saying anything about how they are vegans?

Why won’t Al Sharpton ever bring up the issue of race?

Why has John Kerry never mentioned he served in Vietnam?

Why don’t the Democrats ever bring up the Koch brothers?

Why is Hamas never saying anything about Israel?

If you think science is an alternative to religion, you’re pretty ignorant about the scope of either.

I could never be a spy because I have an allergy to cyanide tablets.

You can indict politicians for abuse of power? Why aren’t they all in prison?

I mean, I do assume Perry is a crook. He is a politician.

This Perry indictment/crazed, drunken DA thing is a wee bit wacky.

So are Rob Ford and Lehmberg single? Because I have a crazy idea…

Dems hate Rick Perry because he’s a Republican governor of a state with high job growth. Everything else is justification after the fact

The left hate whoever’s a threat to their political power. Charges of racism, etc are just things they come up with after hate already there.

The left lack an ideology insofar they’re simply mired in silly tribalism.

All partisans are like that, but prominent with the left since they’ve been so defensive with a Dem in the presidency.

If Magneto’s power was magnetism, he could make metal fly to or away from him. What he has is magical metal controlling powers.

If you don’t #StandWithRickPerry, it’s probably because you’re falling down drunk.

I remain optimistic that white/black, left/right we can find a way to move forward together. It’s not really America without all of us.

Watching an old Dr. Who where the Doctor ends up in a parallel universe where all the doppelgängers lack facial hair.

I’m not comfortable with the police having as much firepower as I do.

People of all races need to learn to work together to preserve the patriarchy.

Thinking earplugs are rubber bullets is a mistake any excitable four-year-old could make.

The knockout game does sound like something racists made up. Is it a real thing?

Shakespeare is crap. No one actually talks like that.

I don’t care what horrible things white people have done in the past; it’s asking too much to expect them to take Al Sharpton seriously.

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Wisdom of the Day: Tanks Partisan Babies Urinals

Friday, August 15, 2014 5:00 pm

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Random Thoughts: Ferguson, Obama, and Iraq

Friday, August 15, 2014 9:00 am

Reminder: If you want the media’s help in holding your elected officials accountable, make sure they’re all Republican.

We need a militarized police to make sure everyone buys health insurance.

My twitter feed is primarily the right saying how awful police abuses are in Ferguson and the left saying the right are ignoring Ferguson.

You’ll never hear the right comment on things if you don’t actually know anyone on the right.

I don’t know why Pauline Kael got all that criticism; I don’t know anyone who voted for Nixon either. That was like a hundred years ago.

So has anyone in the media figured out how to blame the Ferguson on Republicans or are they still working on that?

Maybe the president is planning a short, honest speech. “I don’t really care about this.”

Anyone think of getting Obama a digital watch? Maybe he doesn’t know how to read an analog one and that’s why he’s always late.

This is big government. The whole point of big government is that it’s big and scary so you have to do what it says.

Liberty and distrust of big government is not just for white males.

I’m just happy when the president doesn’t make things worse.

I have to say, the Obama presidency has been very educational to a lot of different people in a lot of different ways.

The president is trying to lead by example. Everyone in Ferguson is supposed to drop everything and go golfing.

If you don’t hear the right talking about Ferguson, you really need to clean the epistemic closure out of your ears.

Progressive philosophy is forcefully take money and power from the people and throw it to the govt assuming only good people will catch it.

Will I ever stop feeling guilty about how in 2002 I went out and socialized on Friday nights instead of staying home watching Firefly?

Iraq has been consistently rated by US presidents as one of the top spots to invade.

“I promise that there will be no more boots-on-the-ground in Iraq. Wait… do uggs count?”

An important principle to always remember: The government only has the ability to give insofar as it has the ability to take.

Everyone in the police is out of control; CSIs are going to funerals and making quips about dead people they’re not even investigating.

The left’s belief that conservatives are motivated by racism is a religious tenet and thus there is no logically arguing against it.

There seems like a lot the left and the right can come together on about Ferguson. Maybe we should stop jabbing each other in the eye.

Eh. Probably not.

What’s happening in Ferguson is really making me question the wisdom of making a Robocop.

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Wisdom of the Day: Babes Mailman Move Water Madness Shirt Police Cops

Thursday, August 14, 2014 5:00 pm

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Random Thoughts: Hate, Magnets, and Obama

Thursday, August 14, 2014 9:00 am

Can’t all races just come together and hate hipsters or something?

I’m really rooting for Obama to turn things around and become a good president these last two year. It’ll make a great story.

We really should reexamine the idea of letting the government have access to guns.

Let’s not politicize the upcoming election.

I made an unfolded hyperpyramid out of my highly illegal magnet toys.

I have to keep resisting the urge to swallow the tiny, powerful magnets.

Well, I’m not racist, so this sorta sounds like everyone else’s problem.

Thought way to check if mute is on in a conference call is to shout profanities at whoever is speaking, but I guess others do it differently.

Everything a police officer does on duty should be videotaped. And everything a legislator does 24/7.

These police officers seem to have as good a grasp of what’s legal as Obama does of what’s Constitutional.

If we give the government all the guns, money, and power and elect lots of progressives, everything will be okay.

“I want all the worst aspects of George W. Bush, but in a different color.” -2008 voters

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Wisdom of the Day: High Azalea Bug Predecessors Change Racist Wallet Invisible Serum

Wednesday, August 13, 2014 5:00 pm

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