Author Archive

Wisdom of the Day: Coffee Stylist Fancy Taxes Pharohs Ishmael

Friday, January 23, 2015 5:00 pm

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Random Thoughts: Minimum Wage and Apes

Friday, January 23, 2015 8:20 am

Is there a good example of someone who never earned more than minimum wage for years and years?

Inequality in the U.S. is millionaires whining and crying they’re not billionaires.

“I just can’t support a movie with a solider as the lead who isn’t portrayed as deranged or a victim.” -many on the left, apparently

I’m pretty much done with human politicians. Maybe I should find some good apes to get behind for when the apes take over.

Which is the most laissez-faire ape? The orangutan?

Parents see a 10 week fetus in ultrasound and fall in love. As long as that happens, abortion will always be horrific to many people.

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Wisdom of the Day: Controlling Club Sidecar Chair Savings

Wednesday, January 21, 2015 5:00 pm

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Red Dawn with Islamists

Wednesday, January 21, 2015 11:00 am

Over at PJ Media, I reviewed Liberty Island’s first novel, The Big Bang, by Roy M. Griffis. And you shouldn’t take anything out of the fact that Liberty Island is also publishing my novel, Superego (which I promise you you will hear plenty more about in the future).

BTW, did I mention an audio version of my novel is in the works? So “I’m not literate” is not going to be an acceptable excuse to not get my novel.

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Random Thoughts: Free Stuff, Snipers, and SOTU

Wednesday, January 21, 2015 8:17 am

For once, the government should give the middle class something for free that’s paid for by the poor and college kids. I’d like a new iPad.

Is Mr. T part of the DC or Marvel universe?

Oh yeah. Give me some low-stakes Downton Abbey drama.

“I have very black and white views about people who have black and white views about the Iraq War!”

You know, the rich aren’t these infinite piñatas we can whack every time we want goodies.

Maybe a left-winger in Hollywood could make the really nuanced sniper movie that absolutely no one wants to see.

I thought winning free Starbucks for life would be cool but then I found out those cheapskates just give you one free drink and murder you.

So my 4yo daughter Buttercup is going to pay for this “free” college from her 529 college savings? Yeah, that sounds fair.

Yes, tax people for being responsible and saving for college; that’s what we want to discourage. I was totally asking for it.

If you’re middle class and trying to be responsible like me, that’s very provocative to the government. They’re going to go after you.

Going after savings starts to cross the barrier between usual left-wing stupidity and being down right evil.

Obama should wear a bow tie. Then everyone will be like, “You gotta turn on the SOTU! Obama is wearing a bow tie! It’s insane!”

Or a fedora. Obama should bring back fedoras. Then he’ll be remembered for something.

“We should really tackle climate change.”
*cut to audience all shaking heads
“Okay then. Here’s my next idea…”
#SOTU

He better not ask for a raise. #SOTU

It’s distracting how Biden and Boehner keep slap fighting. #SOTU

The easiest way to earn more than the minimum wage is to do work worth more than the minimum wage.

The annoying thing is that people who like free stuff over freedom have so many other countries to choose from. We have just the one.

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Wisdom of the Day: Dollar Crock Supreme Spontaneous Bjork

Monday, January 19, 2015 5:00 pm

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Random Thoughts: James Taylor, The Simpsons, and Michael Moore

Monday, January 19, 2015 8:16 am

This inappropriate use of James Taylor has the Obama administration going into “Simpsons did it!” territory.

Government is a great choice for anything where you don’t care about price or quality.

The Academy says they would have considered Selma for more nominations if Ryan Gosling played the lead.

A big problem with the Obama presidency is race relations hadn’t advanced far enough for us to properly deal with a terrible black president.

Pretty excited to have an audio version of my novel Superego in the works because then I’ll know at least someone read it. #humblebrag

I don’t want to sound pro-gun control, but I don’t think I could ever trust a cat with a gun.

Those “Don’t Hug Me I’m Scared” videos are more disturbing then any horror movie I’ve ever seen.

The episode in which Homer went to space will be old enough to drink next month. Am I old?

Was thinking of that episode because of the James Taylor thing. I assumed everyone would think of that.

Don’t think we’ll ever get rid of guns until we come up with something better at putting holes in things and people from long distances.

As far as I can figure, it’s embedded in children’s DNA that they love Mickey Mouse.

Spent two days this week working closely with Richard Dreyfuss but I forgot to take one of those selfies so no one will believe me.

He independently brought up sharks at one point. Felt like that would be worth at least two shots in a drinking game.

So is American Sniper going to be the first financially successful Iraq War movie?

I think the only way to improve our government is to open a competing Capitol down the street from the current one.

I wonder what’s going on with President Obama. Is he going to give us an update soon?

But is this football game “0-0 tie in soccer” exciting?

Michael Moore knows how to make an entertaining documentary but doesn’t have a clue how to convince someone who doesn’t already agree.

Of course, that assumes that’s ever his aim.

Michael Moore has made a lot of money for himself. I see no evidence he’s affected change on the issues he’s spoken out on.

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Random Thoughts: Oscars and Sharknado

Friday, January 16, 2015 8:12 am

They should put in more crowd pleasing Oscar categories, like “Most Money Earned.”

It was a little disconcerting how after they announced all the Oscars nominees they shouted, “White power!”

It’s worth remembering that Hollywood is the last place in America someone can say “Blacks need not apply” for a job with no repercussions.

Was The Lego Movie disqualified for having live action sequences? Only way I can make sense of it not getting best animated nomination.

I’m upset because that’s one of the three movies I saw last year.

We’ve known the Oscars are a big crock ever since Die Hard didn’t win best picture whatever year it came out.

We Christians used to corner the market on being offended by everything, but we just can’t compete anymore with Social Justice Warriors.

I joke about wanting to be president, but that job doesn’t actually pay enough to interest me into moving to D.C.

I honestly don’t know a single piece of music Kayne West is responsible for. Judge me accordingly.

Used to think I had an eclectic job when I’d work on C# web apps and 8-bit assembly in same day, but that’s nothing compared to my job now.

Could you imagine a Sharknado without Ian Ziering? No, it’s impossible.

Sharknado versus Bearicane — make it happen!

I really liked both Sharknados. They were exactly what i expected and I couldn’t have been happier.

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Wisdom of the Day: Sports Victors Rescue Organic Lowe’s Prison Fauxhawk Naps

Thursday, January 15, 2015 5:00 pm

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Random Thoughts: Satire, True Islam, and Violence

Thursday, January 15, 2015 8:18 am

It’s never punching down to satirize violent murderers.

So is the White House going to release a list of beliefs of true Islam so we’ll know who in the world is practicing Islam right?

Romney again? Can’t we find a new candidate that absolutely no one is excited about but everyone is kinda okay with?

Ted Cruz snorted coke with a young Obama?

If you call Islam violent and a Muslim attacks you, is that because he was offended or because he agreed with you?

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Wisdom of the Day: Wine Dinner Anyone Calories Saddest

Tuesday, January 13, 2015 5:00 pm

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Random Thoughts: Religious Liberty, Texas, and the Patriarchy

Tuesday, January 13, 2015 8:08 am

Problem with religious liberty is it gets in way of important secular principle of the government being able to force you to do stuff.

Joe Biden couldn’t make it to the Paris march as he was busy with something important and had Shrinky Dinks in the oven.

Know how much money we’re wasting a year turning Joe Biden into a cyborg? $80 for construction paper and markers so he can make design plans.

For a comedian, how much time should you spend making fun of things versus telling people what isn’t funny and shouldn’t be made fun of?

I got my Texas driver’s license. I guess that means I’m officially a Texan now. Yoo-hee! …as we Texans say.

I’m a conservative Christian. I’m constantly offended by everything, and yet I’ve barely ever murdered anyone.

I don’t even know the last time I’ve watched a prime time show without being offended.

I’ve looked into feminism, but it still seems like the patriarchy has much more to offer me.

Is there a website that lists all the aspects of white privilege? Like are there discounts I’m missing?

I think a good secular way to refer to the founder of Islam would be “Muhammad Prime.”

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Wisdom of the Day: Shooting Mustache Doogie Netflix Pantsing Cross Turn Victims Socialism Mailmen Gervais Foreign

Monday, January 12, 2015 5:00 pm

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Random Thoughts: Free, Islamic Violence, and Golden Globes

Monday, January 12, 2015 8:13 am

I don’t use emojis. Back in my day we had a colon and a parentheses and that showed all the emotion we needed.

It should have been in the Constitution that the government isn’t allowed to use the word “free.”

When people are so sensitive to publishing things that offends Muslims, isn’t that Islamaphobia: fear of being killed by Muslims?

It really seems like the Middle East needs a complete reorg.

So are we supposed to analyze what the 2000 slaughtered did to provoke Boko Haram?

So are the left saying that if we offend them enough, they’ll start randomly murdering people?

I think it’s a good policy that when you murder or support murder, you lose the right to have your feelings cared about.

When the left hear a story about a woman being executed in the Middle East for being raped, do they say, “Maybe she drew a cartoon.”?

The Muslim world is full of inexcusable violence, but the contention is we’re the unlucky ones who get the violence that has logic to it.

12 people get gunned down over there, that’s just mindless violence. If it’s over here, then suddenly there’s logic to it.

Not offending religions is fine as long it’s even. If you offend Christians but avoid offending Muslims, the message is violence works.

Everyone who thinks we provoked this needs to explain at what point they would start murdering innocent people.

I like Jesus. Pretty big stretch to act like Jesus ever wanted you to hurt anybody.

“This is the march for free speech? Oh, I guess I’m in the next march, then.” -Eric Holder

It would really help people of lots of different cultures get along if we got rid of all other languages than English.

Neocons are conservatives who can dodge bullets in slow motion.

Golden Globes holds no interest for me. Only thing I watched in 2014 were a couple vines and instructional DVD on my new coffee pot.

I don’t even own a TV. I have ten different devices I can watch Netflix on, though.

I’ve considered making an award winning movie. I just have to know do Golden Globes and Oscars come with cash prizes?

I’m both really interested to see what will happen in its House of Cards 3rd season and think it’s actually not that great a show.

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Wisdom of the Day: Bee Capslock Free Senator

Friday, January 9, 2015 5:00 pm

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Random Thoughts: Free College!

Friday, January 9, 2015 8:47 am

It’s important to show your kids love and affection as long as that doesn’t block the TV.

Islam needs more mockery until it gets used to it.

Will they be able to find another useless, arrogant idiot in California to replace Barbara Boxer?

Scientists have solved what came first, the chicken or the egg. What came first is the chegg – an animal half chicken, half egg. All cop.

“They may take our lives, but they’ll never take… Wait, where’s our freedom?”
“They took it while you were putting on the face paint.”

How about instead of paying for 14+ years of mainly worthless schooling, we offer free daycare until your kids are 30.

When people refer to something the government offers as “free,” it does suggest people need a lot more education.

I won’t take your money at gunpoint to buy you crappy presents. #FrankJ2016

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Wisdom of the Day: Boot Wikipedia Highlander Baby Media

Thursday, January 8, 2015 5:00 pm

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Random Thoughts: Speaker, Scientists, and Islam

Thursday, January 8, 2015 8:15 am

Wow this speaker vote stuff is…
*stretches and yawns for 30 seconds*
…really exciting.

So how dumb do you have to be to be a super-smart scientist?

The thing about speech is that no matter how “offensive” it is, it’s entirely within the individual’s power to choose how to react to it.

Like most Americans, I haven’t actually studied Islam enough to know whether it promotes violence or not.

One problem is there a very large portion of the world where a death sentence for blasphemy and apostasy is considered normal.

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Wisdom of the Day: Korea Biden Baby Tough Police Counting Home Mirror Europe Hell Floor

Monday, January 5, 2015 5:00 pm

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President Obama’s 12 Greatest Accomplishments of 2014

Monday, January 5, 2015 11:00 am

Hey, look: I’m still around. Just had a bit of a Christmas vacation. And during that time, I had a column up at PJ Media on President Obama’s 12 greatest accomplishments during 2014. That’s right: I came up with twelve.

Said his name right. A lot of people have accidentally said “Osama” when they meant “Obama”, but I’ve never seen President Obama do that himself. He’s always said his name right. And he talks about himself a lot. Yet not one slip.

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