Honesty is the best policy. The second best policy? When an adult male is chasing a female with intent to commit rape, you shoot the bastard.

Once upon a time there were three billy goats, who were to go up to the hillside to make themselves fat, and the name of all three was “Gruff.”

On the way up was a bridge over a cascading stream they had to cross; and under the bridge lived a great ugly troll , with eyes as big as saucers, a nose as long as a poker, and its fingertips caked in neon orange powdered cheese.

So first of all came the youngest Billy Goat Gruff to cross the bridge.

“Trip, trap, trip, trap! ” went the bridge.

“Who’s that tripping over my bridge?” roared the troll .

“Oh, it is only I, the tiniest Billy Goat Gruff , and I’m going up to the hillside to make myself fat,” said the billy goat, with such a small voice.

“Billy goats are teh ghey!” said the troll.

“Oh, no! Pray don’t flame me. I’m too little and insignificant, that I am,” said the billy goat. “Wait a bit till the second Billy Goat Gruff comes. He’s much bigger and flaming him will get you much more attention.”

“Well, be off with you,” said the troll, “Stoopid n00b.”

A little while after came the second Billy Goat Gruff to cross the bridge.

Trip, trap, trip, trap, trip, trap, went the bridge.

“Who’s that tripping over my bridge?” roared the troll.

“Oh, it’s the second Billy Goat Gruff , and I’m going up to the hillside to make myself fat,” said the billy goat, who hadn’t such a small voice.

“You sound like a retard,” said the troll.

“Oh, no! Don’t flame me. Wait a little ’till the big Billy Goat Gruff comes. He’s much bigger and flaming him will get you much more attention.”

“Very well! Be off with you,” said the troll, “Me l33t.”

But just then up came the big Billy Goat Gruff .

Trip, trap, trip, trap, trip, trap! went the bridge, for the billy goat was so heavy that the bridge creaked and groaned under him.

“Is that that big Billy Goat Gruff?” roared the troll. “If I were a fat stoopid goat like you, I’d blow my brains out.”

But it wasn’t actually a Billy Goat Gruff and instead a member of the Russian mafia who was so enraged he hunted down and caught the troll and gutted him which took a very long time since the troll was morbidly obese.

And everyone lived happily ever after.

THE END

Look at this e-mail I just got:

Frank,

I noticed you have a few thousand in savings. Please don’t spend any of it because I already have plans for it. Also, you’re out of Doritos.

kthxbai,
President Obama

I’m really starting to think Obama doesn’t understand the American ideal of privacy and freedom. Plus, he’s a mooch. Here’s what I wrote back:

Barry,

That’s my money! I’m going to buy a bouncy castle and usurp the king and declare myself “Lord of Bounce.” Why don’t you just admit you don’t know what you’re doing, you’re losing all our money, and you have stupid ears and then go resign. And those were Fiery Habanero Doritos! You have to go to Mexico to get those! You suck!

-Frank J.

I’ll tell you if he writes back.

Today is the day Obama is going to do something competent. I can just feel it.

Has anyone polled whether Americans would rather the government spend money on health care or railgun-armed battlemechs?

Assembly is so simple it’s complicated. And isn’t using a Microchip brand microchip a bit like drinking Beer brand beer?

If we broke California in three, that could create up to two manageable states.

I had Jesse Jackson analyze my political beliefs and he determined that I’m an Asian woman.

The local zoo called asking for donations, but I hung up on them. No more money for RHINOs!

So are there actually people who are like fans of Chris Matthews?

What I like about the readers of IMAO is that you are intellectuals who always get to the heart of the manner. When I posted about railguns, many of you were concerned there won’t be a boom when they are fired.

Now, early projectile weaponry — the bow and the crossbow — were relatively quiet. Then came gunpowder and now we’re used to a loud sound announcing death. Many would say this loud sound is tactically problematic, to which others answer, “But it’s awesome.”

And that is true.

A railgun uses no explosives and simply uses magnetism to fire a projectile. You might think this would be quiet, but we’re dealing with the projectile moving so fast that it gets both a boom and fire for just being so awesome.

So embrace the future, my friends.

Also, some of you wondered about putting railguns on a dinosaur. This won’t work. Dinosaurs don’t like magnets. They make them crazy.

Well, a podcast involving someone who sometimes appears on IMAO. SarahK was interviewed by Melissa Clouthier and talked about Twilight and Sarah Palin. John Hawkins also showed up allowing SarahK to personally grill him about not voting for her in the t-shirt babe contest. And she’s a lot better on the radio than I am, but if you ever listened to our podcasts you already knew that.

Incidentally, in addition to Twits.ws, SarahK is also running John Hawkins’s Viral Footage site. Maybe I can get her to post here again… or do another podcast.

Don’t know if you’ve seen Andrew Sullivan announce his hiatus, but it’s a masterpiece of crazy. If he’s completely earnest in it, then… wow. It’s easy to make fun of Sullivan, but it’s also easy to make fun of a schizophrenic though that’s not a particularly nice thing to do. At what point, though, does The Atlantic have to answer for why it displays a blatant crazy person to be gawked at a bit. They might as well charge a nickel a gander for Sullivan’s blog.

I don’t know how many of you remember the Limey. In my experience, who you come back at a troll in a clever way, they tend to regroup a bit and be a little bit more reserved in the response. But every once in a while you get one who keeps doubling down on the stupid. This rare creature was found once again in the comments to my latest Pajamas Media column.

The fifteenth comment is from someone named anonymous who starts by quoting the first line of the article “Is it just me, or is Barack Obama not the most experienced person we’ve ever had as president?”:

Well, considering Tapper’s article described it in these terms:

“Obama’s handshake/forward lurch was so jarring and inappropriate it recalls Bush’s back-rub of Merkel.

The answer would seem to be no. You’re welcome.

Usual reflexive “me no like boooosh” response, but I decided to point out the blatantly stupid part of it:

Since Bush rubbed someone’s back, Obama is the most experienced president we’ve ever had? You smirt!

I can see why you remain Anonymous; otherwise the FBI would be constantly at your door trying to get you to figure out all their unsolved cases.

Now, I expected him to come back and admit he misread the sentence but then attack the premise from another angle. But this was no average troll. Instead, “moho” takes credit for the comment and keeps trying to show how he smirt by misusing lots of $5 words and explaining how my sentence meant something else than what it said. No matter how I batted him around, he kept coming back more determined and more obtuse. Check it out; it’s funny when it’s not sad.

I really would like to see a study on these people one day to find out what makes them tick. It’s easy to assume they’re all kids, but I don’t think that’s necessarily true.

Everyone predicting the NYC 9/11 trial is going to be a huge fiasco are going to look silly when it’s only a minor fiasco.

V will go a different direction next year with the aliens going moose-hunting and constantly saying, “You betcha!” Different parallel?

I think Obama would be more impressive if he wore a cape.

Anyone ever going to do a full psychological study on internet trolls? I think many people would gladly donate funding.

I have an idea for a movie where pirates learn to look just like us and blend into society and pirate us from the inside.

Will our show trial of KSM be enough to convince the world we’re a democracy or do we also need a sham election?

So is there going to be an investigation into whether our troops are getting really crappy psychological care? It seems like odds are there are plenty of crappy psychologists in the military who aren’t exposing themselves by committing mass murder.

Hugo Chavez is teaming with Cubans to bomb clouds. The Chinese did something similar to get their first snow fall. Added to this, it’s an actual scientific theory that time-traveling birds are sabotaging the Large Hadron Collider. So basically we have Communists controlling the weather and time-traveling birds sabotaging our equipment. It kinda looks like we’re headed towards some sort of apocalypse scenario that science fiction authors never predicted — one that doesn’t involve apes or robots.

So heads up.

In all my talk about giant robots, dinosaurs with rocket launchers, and space lasers, some of you think I haven’t paid enough attention to railguns. I’ve decided you have a point, so you won’t be banned (for now).

Unlike the other things, we’re making clear progress on railguns. For the longest time, scientists looked at the magnets holding up pictures of their nephews on the refrigerator and wondered how they could be used to kill people. The answer is railguns. Railguns use two magnetized rails to launch a projectile and was name after its first designer, Tommy P. Railgun. Magnetism more efficiently transfers energy to the projectile, making it fly even faster than a projectile launched by explosives.

Some wonder why a railgun still has a muzzle flash even though gunpowder isn’t used. This is just from its shear awesomeness. The air actually sets itself on fire in the presence of a railgun just to show it’s approval. This is also why a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick has a muzzle flash.

The proposed application of the railgun is to be used in military arenas where we need to be extra awesome. The proposed name for this is “Operation Look at Our Awesome Railguns”. Basically, we’ll have the Taliban cornered in some cave and then surround and pummel them with railguns. That will have to do until we can put railguns on the more logical platform: Giant battlemechs.

Science!

Obama needs to make jobs for actual congressional districts; stimulus money shouldn’t just go to people who live in the Twilight Zone.

Republicans only want to help rich people like Tony Stark and Scrooge McDuck.

My least favorite politicians: Hitler, Stalin, and Sarah Palin. And what do they all have in common? Mustaches. Palin has a mustache of the soul.

My reasons for hating Palin are both too numerous and too vague to mention.

Answer this honestly: Are the names Palin gave her kids the choices of a sane woman?

If sexy vampires are now popular, maybe it is high time for sexy politicians.

When I type in the numbers to text “hooray!”, the phone gives me “Goosby!” I’ve decided that’s my new exclamation of triumph.

Interestingly I have just about as much interest to see Avatar as I did Titanic.

Is the word “dictionary” defined in the dictionary, because you obviously know what it means if you know to look it up in the dictionary.

The way you become the one true conservatives is to denounce all other conservatives. It’s a bit like Highlander.

In my latest Pajamas Media column, I have a bunch of tips for Obama on how to behave himself in other countries. Did you know that different countries have different cultures?

Really late to the party (I barely ever make teleprompter references any more), but they manage to squeeze some more humor out of it. See, you can make fun of Obama if you’re actually funny and not a drooling sycophant:

Obama’s Home Teleprompter Malfunctions During Family Dinner

I’ve decided I need to shake things up at IMAO, so I’ve decided to hate Sarah Palin. I guess I was a little flummoxed on her resigning as governor, and now I’ve decided to run with that and turn it into full-blown irrational hatred. I can’t stand it any time she talks. I can’t stand it any time she posts to Facebook. I’m having trouble standing my own wife because she is also named Sarah (but that goes back a bit).

Sarah Palin is a dumb stupid who is going to destroy the Republican Party with her ignorance and not-reading-newspapersness. She’s going to teach our children that dinosaurs are thousands of years old which will make the unqualified for all the jobs in which knowing the correct age of dinosaurs is required. Also, she’s pro-earthquake.

So, I hate her and want her to go away. If you think I’m off base here, tell me in the comments. If you think I’m really off base, go around telling people how awful I am and that they should come visit IMAO to see how dumb and hateful I am and yell at me. And if they like Sarah Palin, tell them I think they’re stupid and should die.

It would be pretty awesome if Dick Cheney runs for president in 2012; liberal brains would probably explode and they’d all die if he won. He could even have his daughter, Liz Cheney as a running mate (”Take Your Daughter to Lead Day”). Not to get ahead of myself, I already came up with some slogans for Cheney’s presidential run (Exurban Jon also has some slogans, but he totally stole the idea from me):

SLOGANS FOR DICK CHENEY IN 2012

“I know what the hell I’m doing.”

“You’d rather me on your side than against you.”

“Experience, leadership, normal-sized ears.”

“I shoot my friends in the face with a shotgun. What do you think I’ll do to America’s enemies?”

“I’m what the Mayans predicted.”

“Heart attacks don’t even slow me down.”

“The only time I’ll bow before a foreign leader is in preparation for an uppercut.”

“I already control everything; let’s just make it official.”

“Torturing terrorists may not make reliable intelligence, but does make reliable fun.”

“If I’m busy being president, I won’t have time to eat your children’s souls.”

“Say ‘Go @#$% yourself!’ to the entire world.”

“Vote for me and I’ll consider not strangling this box of puppies.”

“I’ll piledrive a foreign leader before I’ll bow to one.”

“Probably not going to win a Nobel Peace Prize.”

“KSM will get to plead his case to my shotgun.”

“You want a change? How about a president who doesn’t give a rat’s ass what anyone thinks about him.”

“You don’t inaugurate me; you unleash me.”

“I will say, ‘Mr. Ahmadinejad, tear off your own face.’ And he will do as I tell him.”

“Yes we can of whoop ass.” (assist to Lori Z)

UPDATE:

I should mention my favorite from Jim Treacher: “It’s not a smirk. You’re just not worth the attention of my whole face.”

SarahK (you remember her? I think she like married me) is now posting at a new blog, tWits.ws, along with Caleb Howe of Red State, Lori Z of Snark and Boobs, and Tommy Christopher, their token liberal (boo! liberal!). It’s sort of a Twitter-based blog, as everyone loves Twitter (you love Twitter), and they have posts of hashtag fun and other stuff like politics and internet humor (here’s SarahK’s most recent post). So check it out; it might be neat to read a funny blog.

And here is an exclusive from them - Video of the White House PowerPoint presentation on the bowing controversy:

When I one day have a son, I think I’ll give him a biblical name like Ham, Nimrod, or Poncho Pilot.

I don’t get why we need universal health care. If the universe gets sick, isn’t it rich enough to pay for its own doctor?

Obama is solving Americans problems if our problems were too much money.

Skullduggery is the worst kind of duggery.

I hate multiplayer, online games. I play videogames because I don’t like interacting with real people.

One advantage of being poor is you never have to worry about your children murdering you for your inheritance.

Steven Crowder has a very special video in which he visits Gitmo. Quite a different picture than we usually see:

Actually, Gitmo seems to nice for terrorists. Let’s send them some place worst… like regular prison.

Always keep your eyes on your goal… unless your goal is the Ark of the Covenant. It will melt your face if you look at it when they open it.

The LCROSS explosion has proven there is ice on the moon. Exciting, huh? So what does this mean for us? It means ten things that I can order by importance:

TOP TEN THINGS FINDING ICE ON THE MOON MEANS

10. Super yuppies can drink obscenely-priced moon water.

9. The one NASA scientist who was like, “There is no way there is water on the moon,” now has to pay up five dollars.

8. Government regulations mean that, along with the flag, they now have to put “Caution: Ice” signs on the moon.

7. NASA can save space in the lunar module because now they can just bring empty balloons to the moon and fill them with water when they get there.

6. If the moon catches fire, not a big deal now.

5. Chance of finding frozen cavemen on the moon has increased significantly.

4. Now knowing the moon is covered in ice means the astronauts need to be careful of wampas.

3. There is no reason to go to Mars since we can find ice on the much closer Moon.

2. The movie The Ice Pirates is now much closer to being a reality.

And the number one thing finding ice on the moon means…

(more…)

What is it with Obama and bowing? Even Japan was like, “Who’s this loser?” Obama’s new nickname should be “Lil’ Bow Wow” for how he wows us with all his bowing.

When you go overseas, Mr. President, you represent the United States of America — the most powerful country on earth and in most of the solar system. You bow to no one; they bow to you! The proper greeting for a foreign leaders is to punch him right in his stupid, foreign face because what in the world is he going to do about it? Nothing, because you lead the USA. Why bow to anyone you can freely punch in the face?

If you want to bow to someone, though, Obama, try bowing to the American people. You may delight us with your obsequiousness and we shall consider sparing you.

Just for the record, A is not A. They’re two different As.

It would be cool if Fonzie were an Objectivist. “Aaay is Aaay!” Or in Canada, it would be, “A is A, eh.”

Gods says you’re welcome about it being Friday.

He also says don’t sin so much because it makes Him sad.

I hope the success at bombing another world leads to more.

I’m surprised Glenn Greenwald is on Twitter. I didn’t think he could make a simplistic point without taking 2000 words.

So are the 9/11 NYC trials the most asinine thing Obama’s done so far? Think carefully before answering; he’s done a lot of asinine things.

I already have a slogan for the Republican nominee in 2012: “Amateur hour is over.”

Why haven’t I heard anything about Jesus and Magneto being in a remake of The Prisoner?

I love the Boise State Broncos. They had a great game today against long time rival (though they haven’t beat Boise State in over a decade) the Idaho Vandals. Some of my favorite things about Boise State are their trick plays, and here are some they used in the game today:

BOISE STATE BRONCOS TRICK PLAYS

* The running back threw for a touchdown.

* They made it look like they were going to punt, but the kicker threw for a first down.

* They made it look like they were going to go for it on a 4th down, but then the quarterback kicked a field goal.

* They punted on 1st down (no one saw that one coming).

* They put the quarterback in on defense, and then he stripped the ball from the Vandals quarterback and threw for a touchdown.

* The kicker did a lateral throw to another kicker who handed off to a running back who threw for a touchdown.

* They brought the kicker in on defense, and he kicked the ball out of the hands of the Vandals quarterback for a field goal.

* One of the Broncos cheerleaders went onto the field and then threw for a touchdown.

The final score was 132 to 5.

In my discussion of how to accelerate monkeys to high speed, someone suggested we use the Mexi-Cannon™. One of things people enjoy about IMAO is the intellectual discussions, so please try and think things through, people. The Mexi-Cannon™ is only rated for the firing of Mexicans. If we were to try and fire monkeys out of it, they would most likely just be horribly mangled. While that sounds great, that gets us no closer to colliding them at high speed.

Obviously, a special cannon needs to be designed just for the firing of monkeys. This would be quite an engineering feat as monkeys come in many shapes and sizes. The biggest problem, though, is that monkeys tend to flail about quite a lot when fired through the air. This really throws off the accuracy and makes it very hard to fire two monkeys into each other. And it is not very easily compensated for.

I’ve tried to privately fund this project, but in this economy you don’t make very much money posting video of monkeys flying through the air on YouTube. So I’m going to look into getting stimulus funds. I’ll just tell Obama that the purpose of the Monkey-Cannon™ is to get abortions for poor people, and he should approve the money right away. He’s a numbnut.