Author Archive

Wisdom of the Day: Job Depends Celebrities Spider

Wednesday, July 30, 2014 5:00 pm

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Random Thoughts: Impeachment, Parental Neglect, and Jesse Ventura

Wednesday, July 30, 2014 9:00 am

WH:”GOP not mentioning it, but discussing impeachment secretly. Saw some go into room that was for men only. Prolly to discuss impeachment.”

I believe we can get Hamas to agree to a ceasefire if they are all dead.

So basically all our parents would be arrested for neglect by today’s standards.

DSCC is sending out 2 mailers:
One to Dems: “GOP thinking of impeaching Obama!”
One to Republicans: “You should think of impeaching Obama.”

2008: “Hope and change!”
2014: “Maybe I can bait the Republicans into impeaching me to halt my cratering popularity.”

Did you know that Barack HUSSEIN Obama has never specifically promised to not murder all Americans?

Can’t another Navy SEAL punch Jesse Ventura in the face to make sure the story is true?

It’s nice how Hulu lets you choose which ad experience you prefer just like Zuul let the Ghostbusters choose their destroyer.

Did you know that the Germans have fifty words for “scowl” but no word for “happy”?

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Wisdom of the Day: Skiing Monkey Wine Coffee

Tuesday, July 29, 2014 5:00 pm

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Random Thoughts: Angry Feminists, Rathergate, and Hamas

Tuesday, July 29, 2014 9:00 am

I know I said before that this transgender stuff about having a “female mind” has to fly in the face of feminists.

Really feels like the left should have worked harder at coming up with a coherent story before yelling “bigot” at others.

I’d love to write a movie about Rathergate with the premise the documents were real, but would need to be a comedy and involve time travel.

Could we get Israel to agree to some sort of ceasefire where Hamas gets to keep firing rockets at them?

“Let’s push the sea into the Jews.” -innovative member of Hamas who’s trying to shift the paradigm and think outside the box

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Wisdom of the Day: Bagels Love Fatty Pizza Elephant Schrodinger Babies Crime

Monday, July 28, 2014 5:00 pm

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Random Thoughts: Palestinians, Coffee, and Female Superheroes

Monday, July 28, 2014 9:00 am

Palestinian leaders are calling for a “day of rage.” Great idea. That’s the problem with the Middle East: not enough rage.

How about instead of a “day of rage” they do a “day of not stupid”?

Went to get coffee, but forgot to bring my coffee mug. That’s the sort of poor thinking that happens before you have coffee.

Did you know there are people who don’t drink coffee? They are the people who are tired and stupid all day long.

Hans Gruber wrote a lot of the Obamacare bill? Can’t say I’m surprised.

So has Hamas ever tried to coherently explain what they hope to achieve by launching rockets at Israel?

PHASE 1: Launch rockets at Israeli civilians
PHASE 2: ???
PHASE 3: Palestinian statehood!

My name was plagiarized from my dad’s name.

I guess I’m for female superheroes like Wonder Woman, but what if saving the world involves math?

My tip for modern, female superheroes: pants. If you’re going to save the world, wear some pants.

A lot of female superheroes dress like saving the world has a bathing suit competition.

Holy. Look at this giant, 3-star review of my book that I don’t even think once mentions my book (I only scanned it).

Just marvel at the insanity that thinking writing a giant rant about “tea-baggers” in a random Amazon review was a great use of time.

I guess I don’t know what it’s like to think you have something to say but no place to say it where it will be paid attention to.

Well, I guess I did when I first started a blog back in 2002. But it didn’t take long to find an audience because I’m awesome.

I always roll my eyes when Chief Sitting Bull tells a joke; they’re all so maizey.

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Random Thoughts: Scroll Lock, Reset, and Batman

Friday, July 25, 2014 9:00 am

So has any anthropologist been able to uncover what the Scroll Lock was ever used for?

When Hillary hit the reset button on Russia, did she check when we last saved?

You can look at a life sentence as a really really really long execution.

Why don’t we just ask the people on death row for good ways to kill people? They all have experience at it.

They should make Batman a woman. Not Batwoman — still called Batman but now a woman.

GOTHAM GAZETTE: “Batman now a woman! In unrelated news, billionaire playboy Bruce Wayne now a woman but still called Bruce Wayne.”

Sometimes it’s hard to tell if you’re being progressive or an idiot.

There are mean people on the internet! With this vast repository of knowledge at our fingertips, you’d think we’d all be happy all the time.

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Wisdom of the Day: Sith Alien Acquaintance School Bear Weight

Thursday, July 24, 2014 5:00 pm

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Random Thoughts: Thomas the Tank Engine and Executions

Thursday, July 24, 2014 9:00 am

Do you know that when you make fun of Hamas, some people get angry about that? Never once got called out for ridiculing, Nickelback, though.

They’re going after Thomas the Tank Engine now? I actually like that show because it promotes the anti-hippie message of being “useful.”

“I can sympathize with you common people. The smallest of my houses probably isn’t much bigger than yours.”

“Everywhere I look, I think I see Charlie up in the trees. And I can no longer tell where I end and someone else’s writing begins.”

If states keep botching executions, people are going to be too scared to commit murder anymore.

Maybe Carnegie Hall is on Practice Street and all this time we thought people were joking they were giving clear directions.

So what if the execution took two hours? Who are all these sickos so desperate to see people dead they want us to be quick about it?

Pro Tip: There are a lot of good arguments against the death penalty, but none of them involve asking people to feel sympathy for murderers.

Can’t you just put a murderer in a sack and drown him in the river like you would unwanted cats?

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Wisdom of the Day: Salads Hamas Mermaids

Wednesday, July 23, 2014 5:00 pm

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Random Thoughts: Halbig and Hamas

Wednesday, July 23, 2014 9:00 am

Democrats write horrible law, pass it, and it’s so badly written it gets torn apart in courts, yet somehow I know this is GOP’s fault.

Starting to wonder if there was a flaw to the plan to have a bunch of incompetents jam through a law that affects large portion of economy.

Remember: When you have the government do something big, you only have idiots and sociopaths at your disposal. No mythical smart people.

By far, the smartest thing in our government is our bombs.

If the court ruling makes you angry at anyone other than the idiots who wrote the law, you’re a rather useless person.

Does the 5 second rule apply to any beats you’ve dropped?

Has Hamas tried not launching rockets at Israel? I really think that could be a big part of the problem.

What does Obama need all these fundraisers for? “I can’t crappily jam together unworkable laws without your support.”

My Coke says I’m supposed to share it with “Bort.”

Got first pass of my book, and I’m supposed to mark with a colored pencil the errors and send back. Seems low-tech.

Actually, I can scan the pages I mark with colored pencil and email back, so there’s that.

Only found a few formatting mistakes. The words – written by me – are superb, though.

“We think you might have incriminating emails about targeting political opponents.”
“Whoops. Scratched my hard drive.”
“Seems legit.”

I looked it up, and hard drive scratches are actually pretty common… though mainly among people trying to destroy their hard drive.

Israel would like Hamas to not launch rockets at them and Hamas would like Israel to not have Jews. Hopefully they can work out a compromise.

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Wisdom of the Day: Starbucks Feminists Word KKK

Tuesday, July 22, 2014 5:00 pm

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Random Thoughts: Obama, FOX News, and Robocop

Tuesday, July 22, 2014 9:00 am

Read through the 1st pass for the layout of my Punch Your Inner Hippie book. You guys are so lucky you’re going to get to read it.

We need like a leader of the free world.

Maybe if we were a better country Obama would be more interested in helping us.

Is “Money good” a mission or a vision statement?

People should be less angry at FOX News and more angry and the horribly biased left-wing news that spawned it from necessity.

Where do I go to protest if I don’t think enough of Hamas is being killed?

You watch the original Robocop movie, you think, “Wow. They were pretty optimistic about the future of Detroit.”

What corporation would buy Detroit now? Not even Yahoo would buy it.

If you’re wondering what president’s up to, I’m friends with him on Facebook and it’s just constant requests for more lives on Candy Crush.

I thought that Robocop joke had to have been done before, which is a sign of either a really good joke or that you stole it.

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Wisdom of the Day: Gum Joker Fast Issues Stones

Monday, July 21, 2014 5:00 pm

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Random Thoughts: Indie Fiction, Grammar, and Suffragettes

Monday, July 21, 2014 9:00 am

For clarity, indie fiction isn’t fiction about Indiana Jones. Don’t have the rights to him. Plus, property a bit damaged after fridge nuking.

I guess indie fiction is fiction by those who aren’t established authors. I guess I’m kinda an established author, but not in fiction.

If you’ve read my non-fiction books, basically everything is made up in those because I hate research, but still not technically fiction.

Superego will be my first fiction book (and first book from Liberty Island) — first book where I acknowledge everything is made up.

I always have fewer respect for anyone who uses improper grammar.

What if modern feminists could go back in time and tell suffragettes about the plight of having to pay for own $10 abortion pill.

If anyone else says humans use only 10% of their brains, Science! will hit you with a meteor.

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The Final Hours

Saturday, July 19, 2014 10:52 am

We’re to the last few hours of the Liberty Island PubSlush campaign, so contribute if you haven’t yet and support conservative and indie fiction. They have a special now that any pledge $100 or over get a Liberty Island polo or t-shirt, and any pledge $15 or over is entered to win an iPad mini or Kindle Fire HDX. And any pledge $5 or more will get Superego, my first novel. Is there any prize better than that? No, there is not.

So contribute and support me and other conservatives fighting in the culture war. It’s the least you can do if you’re not some sort of Communist who hates America and freedom and science fiction.

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Wisdom of the Day: Dillo Birch Vox Dog Jail Baby

Friday, July 18, 2014 5:00 pm

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Random Thoughts: Girl-Thor, Ukraine, and Palestinians

Friday, July 18, 2014 9:00 am

Imagine a boot stamping on a human face — forever. But that face has government-guaranteed health care. #ProgressiveUtopia

So how much will the new Thor get paid by the Avengers versus what they paid the previous one?

I’m a regular Houdini when it comes to Chinese finger traps.

“Anyone think Obama was a bit hyped in 2008? Not saying I regret my vote, but I’m pretty disappointed.” -Biden, probably

“Mr. President, a passenger plane was shot down over Ukraine.”
“That’s awful! Was anyone on it supposed to attend one of my fundraisers?”

To make things even more progressive, girl-Thor and black Captain America are going to gay marry each other.

Q. What do you call a zucchini that grows underwater?
A. Aquarium-cchini!

People understand big comic book change ups are temporary, right? The only thing more unstoppable in comics than Superman is status quo.

Remember when Dick Grayson was Batman for like two years? No. We already forgot that.

“We will successfully land a rocket on Israel and bring no one back alive.” -Palestinian JFK

We Americans aren’t as tough as we used to be, but still most kids can build basic wood cabin and survive for days in the wilds of Minecraft.

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Wisdom of the Day: Adventurous Superman Facebook Drink Interview Juggalo

Thursday, July 17, 2014 5:00 pm

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Random Thoughts: Derringers!

Thursday, July 17, 2014 9:00 am

The 5 most dangerous letters in my first name:
1. F
2. k
3. n
4. r
5. Derringers

Don’t tell Rolling Stone, but I’m designing a new, high-capacity Derringer. THREE shots.

Wonder if we’ll see a Derringer resurgence, appearing in the inner city instead of just in disputes over poker in saloons.

The genius of the article was after the first 4, you’re like, “What guns are left?” but Rolling Stone found one more you weren’t expecting.

Palestinians just want to launch rockets at Israel in peace.

I remember way back in 2002, one of my very first blog posts was making fun of Arafat. He’s dead now. I get results.

“I know what you’re thinking: ‘Did he fire two shots or only one?’ Being this is a Derringer, the 5th deadliest gun…”

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