Prank your future self by wasting your life

— donni (@donni) June 3, 2015

The first US copyright law turned 225 this week! Happy birthday to it but DO NOT SING THE SONG IT IS VERY TOUCHY ABOUT THE SONG

— Parker Higgins (@xor) June 3, 2015

*pulls out list of Stuff I Don't Care About* *crosses off Bruce Jenner* *adds Caitlyn Jenner*

— rainer fm (@rainerfm) June 4, 2015

Fireman: This is the perfect building for a firehouse, but there's not enough room for stairs Stripper: I have an idea

— ♡ Brian Essbe ♡ (@SortaBad) June 5, 2015

Grammar mistakes in quotes are disgusting. They make me [sic]

— Thomas Cavin (@torneyatclaw) June 5, 2015

if you forget the plays, and sonnets, and his london theater and all those words he made up, shakespeare did almost nothing. he was a nobody

— John V. (@wettbutt) June 6, 2015

How about a body swap movie about a workaholic mom who HATES murder and a professional assassin with an important murder due THIS WEEK!

— Matt Roller (@rolldiggity) June 6, 2015

[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra] "We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time."

— ¥Wylde de Laserbeest (@flashember) May 26, 2015

When Hillary said that she and Bill were dead broke, she meant morally.

— WH PRESS SECRETARY (@weknowwhatsbest) May 28, 2015

Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.

— Mas Jef (@PajamaStew) June 1, 2015

Patriot Act: the law that mandated cavity searches and spying on every American to solve the problem of Saudis students overstaying visas.

— David Burge (@iowahawkblog) June 1, 2015

Therapist: Whats the problem Wife: Hes dead inside T: Lets try something, WHO LIVES IN A PINEAPPLE UNDER THE SEA? Me: No one thats absurd

— Pun Graduate (@MarlonBrandNO) June 1, 2015

"Did you see that Bruce-" It's Caitlyn now. "*sigh* -that Caitlyn Springsteen is playing at the arena?"

— Lord Pinky (@HiddenPinky) June 2, 2015

The ironic thing about dudes that own swords having ponytails is theyre literally holding the cure and cause of the problem in their hand

— many other comics (@sad_tree) June 2, 2015

I'm trying to open this bag of chips quietly so the guy in the next bathroom stall doesnt ask for any

— Dirt McTurd (@DirtMcTurd) June 2, 2015

"My counter argument is that I'm offended." – idiots

— Mark Agee (@MarkAgee) May 12, 2015

[dropping wife at the airport] "Wait-" "Aw, I'll miss you too but I have-" [holds up baby] "What the hell does this thing eat?"

— David Hughes (@david8hughes) May 17, 2015

Don Draper died on the way back to his home planet

— Nick Ross (@NickBossRoss) May 17, 2015

more like breaking fad. who even watches that show anymore

— dan mentos (@DanMentos) May 19, 2015

I'd be willing to pay everyone in Congress $100 for every day they're in session, and $1000 for every day they're not.

— David Burge (@iowahawkblog) May 20, 2015

DOG: I think that job interview went well! *looks in mirror and sees ear was inside-out the whole time* Son of a

— Ray (@SirEviscerate) May 20, 2015

Wife: I am not talking to you. Husband: OK. Wife: Don't you want to know the reason? Husband: No, I respect and trust your decision.

— City Girl (@ConservCityGirl) May 21, 2015

Beaches would be so awesome if I liked beaches

— nomchompsky (@nomchompsky) May 25, 2015

[zoo] ME: Haha…this one's face! WIFE: Tha- M [bangs on glass] W: Stop it M [pulls funny face] W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls

— Jon (@ArfMeasures) May 7, 2015

The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified

— Snorklhuahua (@weinerdog4life) May 8, 2015

ME: WHY IS MY PLATE COVERED IN HOT WET MONSTER WORMS DATE: How do you not know what noodles are?

— Michael (@Home_Halfway) May 10, 2015

"I'm sorry" and "I apologize" are basically interchangeable unless you're at a funeral.

— Randi Mayem Singer (@rmayemsinger) May 10, 2015

Some people say you should rinse your plates before putting them in the dishwasher. I say HAVE HUMANS ACHIEVED NOTHING?!?!?!?!?!?!

— Joe Hildebrand (@Joe_Hildebrand) May 10, 2015

My cat is aimlessly walking around the house and sporadically meowing angrily at nothing in particular like she's a metaphor for Twitter.

— Twitnter Is Coming (@OhNoSheTwitnt) May 12, 2015

Except for Republicans and Democrats, the President is getting along beautifully with Congress.

— Pat Sajak (@patsajak) May 12, 2015

[Quiz Show] Host: now it's time for the memory round. how r u both feeling? Elephant Contestant: confident. Goldfish Contestant: about what?

— paul (@FrenulumBreve) April 29, 2015

Yes, English can be weird. It can be understood through tough thorough thought, though.

— David Burge (@iowahawkblog) May 1, 2015

Leo: It's simple: every time you eat something you shouldn't, you pay me $5. Jim: And this pay-Leo diet really works?

— Laser Pinky (@HiddenPinky) May 2, 2015

Gun to your head, what's your favourite Russian game of chance?

— Jazmasta (@jazmasta) May 2, 2015

Me as undercover cop: yeah I'd like to buy 1 heroin pls Drug dealer: are you a cop Me sweating cos I am a cop & he knows it: 2 heroins pls

— David Hughes (@david8hughes) May 2, 2015

"Have you dined with us before?" "No but I'm familiar with the concept of restaurants so I think I'll be ok."

— Kumail Nanjiani (@kumailn) May 3, 2015

The would-be terrorists in Garland fell for one of the classic blunders: Never assume that you’ve outgunned an art show in Texas.

— Daniel Foster (@DanFosterType) May 4, 2015

Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.

— Courtney (@CourtneyBale) May 5, 2015

GOOD COP: do you know why I pulled you over? KINDERGARTEN COP: do you know why I pushed you over?

— ibid (@ibid78) May 7, 2015

My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, "Who murdered this guy with a pipe?"

— Jordan (@jordan_stratton) April 27, 2015

Preferred way to connect with me (ranked most to least): 1. Text 2. Twitter DM 3. Email 4. Phone 5. Climb through my window 6. LinkedIn

— Adam Khan (@Khanoisseur) April 28, 2015

Dr: I'm giving u a proton-pump inhibitor Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER? D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts

— The Cat Whisperer (@TheCatWhisprer) April 29, 2015

[loudly so police in McDonald's can hear me] More like Baltiless. Rioting is bad. If I was in a riot I'd frickin stop immediately & go home.

— David Hughes (@david8hughes) April 29, 2015

I have Ayn Rand quotes tattooed all over my forearms, but they're all written in elvish so it's not like, weird.

— Jamie (from before) (@Jamie1947) April 29, 2015

[God inventing the zebra] You know what'd be cool? If we had a horse that looked like the Hamburglar

— ♡ Brian Essbe ♡ (@SortaBad) April 29, 2015

dodge ram.. dodge viper… folks are these guys trying to sell cars or just give us good advice?!

— jon hendren (@fart) April 29, 2015

For every right wing lunatic in an Idaho cabin, there are 500 left wing lunatics with tenure at a state university.

— David Burge (@iowahawkblog) April 21, 2015

[gives wife flowers] Here, watch these die.

— David Hughes (@david8hughes) April 22, 2015

I'm not a doctor, but I am really good at being very late for anyone who's waiting on me.

— Michael (@Home_Halfway) April 23, 2015

My phone changed "nutrition" to "nachos." Autocorrect is my soulmate.

— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 24, 2015

A guy asked me to sign a petition that would ban petitions, but I didn't sign it. I hate petitions.

— Ron White (@Ron_White) April 24, 2015

Mortal Kombat has made it so that when I hear the word "fatality" on the news I'm never totally sure if it's sad or awesome.

— Twitnter Is Coming (@OhNoSheTwitnt) April 25, 2015

Does Daredevil know his costume is black

— Wonderella (@wonderella) April 12, 2015

When your kids are all getting along in another room, it's because they are plotting to murder you.

— Fun_Beard (@Fun_Beard) April 12, 2015

"you're doing a great job at being an extra in my movie," I say to everyone I pass on the street.

— pat tobin (@tastefactory) April 13, 2015

i'm not saying Hillary Clinton is old; actuarial tables are saying that.

— TheClassyLife (@AceofSpadesHQ) April 13, 2015

More quintessentially American: Rubio’s speech or Hillary looking disheveled while ordering a burrito at Chipotle?

— Allahpundit (@allahpundit) April 14, 2015

Honestly, Rand Paul (the eye doctor) should've waited for the next election. The RAND PAUL 2020 VISION campaign would've written itself.

— Bill Kuchman (@billkuchman) April 7, 2015

[Adam and eve first date] Adam: I like your leaves. Where did you get them? Eve: Thank you. I got them here in Eden. Adam: That makes sense

— Poorly Drawn Turtle (@NoTheOtherJohn) April 7, 2015

I know I'm going to take some heat for this, but I scored an Apple Watch! I opted for the pocketwatch version, which has a bigger screen.

— Elle Oh Hell (@ElleOhHell) April 8, 2015

*Man walks up to a dumpster fire, throws a match into it* NARRATOR: Twitter dot com. Join the conversation.

— Ristolable (@Ristolable) April 8, 2015

in english the polite way to say a haircut is bad is to say "you got a haircut" then wait a split second too long before u say it looks nice

— TROMNEYOBLY PIACKLES (@Tormny_Pickeals) April 8, 2015

The difficult moment a young 90s actress realized she was auditioning to be a George girlfriend, not a Jerry girlfriend.

— Sean Thomason (@TheThomason) April 9, 2015

ref: flag! coach: what's wrong? ref: nothing coach: no really, what's wrong? ref: nothing! i'm fine pic.twitter.com/qXCNm9OVYt

— Meninist (@MeninistTweet) April 3, 2015

My car is basically a $34,000 phone charger.

— Loco Eric (@ericsshadow) April 3, 2015

"IM A FREAKIN LEGEND" I yell at tourists downtown as I stand beside a map of my city, ready to interpret all the symbols and icons for them

— Rad Kyle (@KyleMcDowell86) April 4, 2015

"SHE'S A WITCH! BURN HER!!" *a nun steps forward* "That robe is SO 12th century" *crowd gasps* *the witch just bursts into flames*

— Miltgen (@Miltgen) April 4, 2015

Judge: and how does the defendant plead Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes* Judge: HAH do it again

— RollmanOfOz (@Rollmaninoz) April 5, 2015

"Baby stingrays look like raviolis stuffed with tiny damned souls." Just sayin' pic.twitter.com/R53GUG9JTc

— Mark Pahlow (@mcpheeceo) April 3, 2015

ME: heres our crew for the heist. tom– demolitions TOM: yo M: ed– inside man ED: yup M: pat– pizza orderer PAT: let me know of any allergies

— Bob Vulfov (@bobvulfov) April 5, 2015

The only thing that makes this Rolling Stone fabrication a journalistic outlier is the fact they were caught.

— jon gabriel (@exjon) April 6, 2015

What should we call this giant advertising board? PHIL: A philboard BILL: I have a better idea

— Nice Hippo (@NicestHippo) April 6, 2015

I suppose if I didn’t know what a law was, I’d be in favor of more of them too.

— Charles C. W. Cooke (@charlescwcooke) April 6, 2015

An alternate universe where the president throws the first punch of MMA season.

— ClarkHat (@ClarkHat) April 6, 2015

"Ninth Circuit is reversed." I presume they have a macro for that.

— Popehat (@Popehat) March 31, 2015

I've been watching this Caterpillar bulldozer for a few weeks now and I'm waiting for it to turn into a terrifying butterfly robot.

— Easter Antagonist (@AnOrangeSNES) March 31, 2015

Che Guevara: "Crazy with fury I will stain my rifle red while slaughtering any enemy!" Dude, calm down. You're just a t-shirt model.

— Michael J Nelson (@michaeljnelson) March 31, 2015

Teaching about world monuments is more complicated these days, because you have to explain there's another one of everything in Las Vegas.

— MKupperman (@MKupperman) March 31, 2015

There is a pretty tremendous irony in the host of The Daily Show complaining that people are taking him out of context.

— Political Math (@politicalmath) April 1, 2015

Hey MSM, hot angle: The Iranian negotiators would never cater a gay wedding. And yet the White House is trying to do business with them.

— Jonah Goldberg (@JonahNRO) April 1, 2015

Don't compare yourself to a Selma marcher when you're unleashing the dogs and firehoses.

— David Burge (@iowahawkblog) April 2, 2015

The last time I heard this many people scream for pizza and cake it was at a toddler’s birthday party.

— Dana Loesch (@DLoesch) April 2, 2015

[my dog viciously murders a person] Aww he thinks he’s people

— Nice Hippo (@NicestHippo) April 2, 2015

When I see a man in shorts put an orange ball through a metal hole, I like to turn to other men and slap their hands while I am screaming.

— jeffrey cranor (@happierman) April 3, 2015

Every truck is a food truck if you're a cannibal

— Megan Amram (@meganamram) March 27, 2015

precisely. what's the problem? pic.twitter.com/gFBhtL73JD

— sadvil (@crylenol) March 27, 2015

Meet the woman who's job was saved by mentioning that her tweets don't represent the views of her employer

— Salon (@Salondotcom) March 28, 2015

Girl, are you a girl? Because I like girls.

— Rainbow Brite (@Cool_Jesse) March 28, 2015

FUN PRANK: 1. DVR a lotto drawing 2. Buy your wife a ticket with the drawn numbers 3. Play back drawing & pretend it's live 4. Hire a lawyer

— dan mentos (@DanMentos) March 28, 2015

Oh, you like naughty girls? *overwaters plant*

— Punkass Poison (@perchicoree) March 28, 2015

Am I a good person? No. But do I try to be better every single day? Also no

— Nice Hippo (@NicestHippo) March 28, 2015

Don't let a nuclear-armed Iran distract us from America's #1 threat – Indiana bakeries

— David Burge (@iowahawkblog) March 29, 2015

Next book I write will have an upside down cover so whoever's reading it looks like an idiot.

— Jason Lastname (@JasonLastname) March 29, 2015

always the pallbearer never the corpse

— jomny sun (@jonnysun) March 29, 2015

We all have that ONE uncle who kills our dad and illegitimately assumes the kingship

— Ristolable (@Ristolable) March 29, 2015

ROBBER: gimme the $ or u get the glock CASHIER: never R: *pulls out glockenspiel and plays a moving piece* C: *crying* take it. take it all

— very nice kyle (@hippieswordfish) March 30, 2015

Saying the same thing over and over again but expecting different results is called parenting.

— ShesAMatzaGenius (@ShesARealGenius) March 30, 2015

REPORTER: i'm here with a victim of identity theft. how has it affected you sir? WALRUS: *grabs mic* JOHN LENNON RUINED MY CREDIT SCORE

— very nice kyle (@hippieswordfish) March 18, 2015

Missed the “Glee” finale but I’ll just assume the whole thing happened in an autistic child’s snow globe.

— daveweigel (@daveweigel) March 21, 2015

Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.

— Terri Sanders (@pastaskin) March 22, 2015

Just got a call from a 555 number. It's probably a pretty girl from a movie.

— Mike Leffingwell (@mikeleffingwell) March 23, 2015

TREBEK: Yes Tyler ME: What is the answer TREBEK: Once again that is technically correct. And we will be amending that rule after this taping

— Tyler Schmall (@tylerschmall) March 23, 2015

[europe, 91 AD] We need a name for our tribe of murderous warriors "The Sweethearts?" No "The Huns” For some reason that’s better, good work

— Nice Hippo (@NicestHippo) March 24, 2015

"Don't even talk to me until I invent coffee" — some surly-ass caveman

— sweaty five dollars (@iscoff) March 16, 2015

I’m sure the guy handing out organic mayo samples at Whole Foods wants to hear your rant against Hellman’s, lady.

— Karol Markowicz (@karol) March 16, 2015

Congrats to Starbucks baristas for finally having a chance to use their sociology PhDs.

— David Burge (@iowahawkblog) March 17, 2015

*toilet papers a tree* Go now, be with your own kind

— ibid (@ibid78) March 18, 2015

Are you a leprechaun or a leprechaun't?

— Shari VanderWerf (@shariv67) March 18, 2015