The cat is out of the bag. The dog has left the suitcase. The horse is not in the portmanteau. Animals are exiting all storage containers.

— Glenn (@justabloodygame) March 12, 2015

The worst thing you can say to a person is "you know they only do that for the salt," when a dog is licking them.

— shut up, mike (@shutupmikeginn) March 13, 2015

It's important to eat all the cookies so you no longer have temptation.

— Melissa Clouthier (@MelissaTweets) March 13, 2015

[in hospital] -dude what happened? "I got hit by a bu- [a bus taps on the window, does neck slice motion] -I mean I fell down the stairs"

— ibid (@ibid78) March 14, 2015

Don't be part of the problem, be the whole problem

— Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) March 15, 2015

I wish my delusions were of grandeur

— Bobbie Oliver (@thebobbieoliver) March 16, 2015

At the end of House of Cards, Kevin Spacey adopts a puppy then looks into the camera & says, “Now this House of Cards…is a Home of Cards.”

— Rob Fee (@robfee) March 3, 2015

BRING ME SCHRÖDINGER'S HEAD pic.twitter.com/qQdk60c7k0

— Nicolas Perriault (@n1k0) March 3, 2015

My plan to kill the ants in my kitchen with a diet high in sugar and saturated fats has backfired

— Shane Murphy (@Shanehasabeard) March 3, 2015

hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend's been kidnapped "stay calm sir, what's ur girlfriend's name" oh she goes to another school u wouldn't know her

— chuuch (@ch000ch) March 4, 2015

So you're a magician? What's your best trick "Making a woman disappear" Let's see it *I walk up to a woman* Hi I'm a magician *she runs off*

— Bucky Isotope (@BuckyIsotope) March 5, 2015

"I wonder what would happen if we planted this dead person." ~first person to suggest a burial

— Beard Spice (@BeardSpice) March 6, 2015

"Which Sigourney do you mean?" is a question that's never been asked.

— Sean Thomason (@TheThomason) March 9, 2015

[DOCTOR] I'm afraid we weren't able to reattach your hands [ME] will I ever be able to cut off my hands again? [DOCTOR] what? no

— Cat Damon (@CornOnTheGoblin) March 10, 2015

Hillary Clinton: Just send my emails to, like, hillary@legit.biz. Everyone: Cool. *five years pass* Everyone: Wait what?

— Josh Gondelman (@joshgondelman) March 10, 2015

Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum. Mary: What about that rad drum? Little Drummer Boy: No Mary: Get out

— Dr. Jimi Torosian (@jimmytorosian) February 27, 2015

DATE: um, hi nice to meet y- ME: *muffled by my jousting helmet* you are a small and weak man

— madeleine (@madeleinedoux) February 27, 2015

I'll never forget the wide range of emojis I felt the day that my father left in his Prius to get a new e-cig battery and never came back.

— ron flanson (@johnbiehl) February 28, 2015

Commercial for boomerangs: *a guy throws a stick but then changes his mind* Narrator : "Boomerangs."

— Steve (@WigCannon) February 28, 2015

It is far better to have ninjas and not need them than to need ninjas and not have them.

— David Crowder (@crowdermusic) February 28, 2015

If I was a soldier in World War II, I'd have kept my grenades instead of throwing them away like an idiot. They'd be worth a fortune today.

— David Hughes (@david8hughes) March 1, 2015

if we ever need a ? to mean the opposite of "Is the Pope Catholic?!" I suggest "Do you want to make Internet Explorer your default browser?"

— Ken Jennings (@KenJennings) February 25, 2015

So you're saying this magic machine has been giving you friends and free stuff for 20 years? Government to the rescue! #NetNeutrality

— David Burge (@iowahawkblog) February 25, 2015

*Shakes Magic 8-Ball* NEW BALL WHO DIS?

— Shari VanderWerf (@shariv67) February 25, 2015

Conservatives oppose higher minimum wage : “Cons oppose higher wages!" :: Cons oppose birth control mandate : “Cons oppose birth control!"

— Sonny Bunch (@SonnyBunch) February 25, 2015

When Bush was President, no llamas escaped.

— Nathan Wurtzel (@NathanWurtzel) February 27, 2015

This is my favorite yellow t-shirt. pic.twitter.com/TtaRKpzKFE

— patrick (@tastefactory) February 27, 2015

*walks up to newsstand* "I'd like one paper Internet please."

— Brian Doyle (@WritePlay) February 23, 2015

Every time I hear "extremist Christians", I think "Amish." And then I laugh at liberal stupidity.

— Melissa Clouthier (@MelissaTweets) February 23, 2015

When you think about a real "carrot top," his hair should have been green. Pretty much the only flaw though.

— Justin Shanes (@justinshanes) February 23, 2015

[how to be a man] 1 grow a beard 2 raise a family 3 get a starter 4 be the very best 5 gotta catch them all 6 I'm talking about Pokemon now

— NoahJerry (@NoahJWatkins) February 23, 2015

ME: Let's go get a sandwich FRANK UNDERWOOD: [addressing camera] And thus begins the give and take. Welcome to Washington. ME: what

— Ristolable (@Ristolable) February 24, 2015

The best writers constantly remind readers how murder victims lose control of their bodily functions at the time of death.

— Uncle Dynamite (@UncleDynamite) February 20, 2015

As if there could be a costume for movie Aquaman that you WOULDN'T make fun of.

— Sean Thomason (@TheThomason) February 20, 2015

[Starbucks intercom] "Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking."

— Loco Eric (@ericsshadow) February 21, 2015

*guy from Lord of the Rings drowning on Lost* *writes on hand* *presses hand urgently to window* UPDOG

— Dr. Whom (@chapel3929) February 22, 2015

Having been on the red carpet, let me say, it's very disorienting. The pepper spray, the mace, the many Taser shots. One's head spins!

— Michael J Nelson (@michaeljnelson) February 23, 2015

"I'm going to kill you, Brendadirk Cramplescrunch." pic.twitter.com/UQ4LUgzozD

— Michael Deppisch (@deppisch) February 23, 2015

If loving Adam Levine is wrong I don't want to be wrong

— Paige (@PeachCoffin) February 23, 2015

I'd like to thank the Academy, my wife, my kids, my- *play-off music starts* *I sit down, sip wine, open a favorite book* It was the best of

— Glenn (@justabloodygame) February 23, 2015

[oscar telecast post-mortem] “look i know the show ran long but honestly i can’t think of anything we could’ve cut”

— andy levy (@andylevy) February 23, 2015

I’m giving up autocorrect jokes for lint.

— Bryan Donaldson (@TheNardvark) February 18, 2015

NY: damn it's cold CA reply: *pic of sunny day* lolwut (repeat) [later] CA: damn my house fell down NY reply: *pic of upright house* lolwut

— dan mentos (@DanMentos) February 18, 2015

"Hippie" ~ Me describing the top half of my leg

— Michael (@Home_Halfway) February 18, 2015

I am researching a historic book about gravy trains. It seems crazy now but it used to be the only way you could get gravy in many areas

— MKupperman (@MKupperman) February 18, 2015

I just got an email titled "Extreme ISIS groups want to attack America." As compared to the moderate wing of ISIS that wants to have tea.

— Alexander Macris (@archon) February 18, 2015

I cannot stop laughing at this. pic.twitter.com/zsepphJ2Jz

— Manda Likewine (@Manda_like_wine) February 20, 2015

'sir please remove your hat. this is a funeral' no its ok. this is my somber-ero. see? *points to sombrero that says 'sorry for your loss'*

— kyle (@hippieswordfish) February 16, 2015

Like a good neighbor State Farm and I haven't ever spoken.

— Brian Doyle (@WritePlay) February 16, 2015

He really wasn't an "ancient horror", but every 100 years he had to explain himself to a new population averse to multi-mouthed organisms.

— etherbrian (@etherbrian) February 16, 2015

"I'm sorry but it's only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms" [octopus glove shopping] "this is unacceptable"

— Brent (@murrman5) February 16, 2015

A waiter serves Ray Liotta some waffles. Ray glares until, sweating, the waiter serves him some slightly better waffles. Ray Liotta laughs.

— Jason Miller (@longwall26) February 17, 2015

"Go to college" is to education what "put stuff in your mouth" is to nutrition.

— David Burge (@iowahawkblog) February 13, 2015

Waiter: More water? Me: No thx Waiter: *pours water* Have some Me: I don't- Waiter: *starts gushing water out of his eyes & mouth* WAAATERRR

— patrick (@tastefactory) February 14, 2015

Therapist: what would you say to your mum if she were alive today? Me: sorry for cremating you. You looked like you were dead.

— David Hughes (@david8hughes) February 14, 2015

"Fifty Shades of Grey" sounds like an OK title 'til you hear it's about a guy named Christian Grey. I assume he owns 50 pairs of Ray Bans.

— Bill Corbett (@BillCorbett) February 14, 2015

SNL: 40 years, 40 laughs.

— Anthony Bialy (@AnthonyBialy) February 16, 2015

[slowly raise head out of ball pit] were you followed?

— ToxicPaperWash© (@PaperWash) February 10, 2015

Listen to your kid's music not as a parent, but as one who hates new things & has already heard all the good songs that will ever be written

— Brian Doyle (@WritePlay) February 10, 2015

No, Zelda was the princess. You're thinking of Zelda's Monster

— Eric Spratling (@ericspratling) February 10, 2015

[Bank Robbery] Put all the money in the bag and no one- *sees guy wearing a Maroon 5 shirt* MOST people won't get hurt!!

— Sad Tree (@sad_tree) February 11, 2015

"Hi Republican, I'm reporter. Today's conference is about issues relating to trade and the economy, so tell us: How old is Earth?"

— Caleb Howe (@CalebHowe) February 11, 2015

You can save the blindfold, kidnappers. If we're outside my house, I don't know where we are.

— Jason Miller (@longwall26) February 11, 2015

IS THIS A GAY BAR? DID YOU BRING ME TO A GAY BAR, SON? This is whole foods, Dad.

— Reverend Scott (@Reverend_Scott) February 7, 2015

A Monopoly game with my family starts out fun and lighthearted and quickly turns into The Treasure of the Sierra Madre.

— John Lyon (@JohnLyonTweets) February 7, 2015

If Obama says "folks" just one more time, I may finally believe he's a mere commoner like me.

— SarahK Fleming (@sarahk47) February 9, 2015

We need an SF award called the Huggos, about the stories with the most feels.

— Michael Z Williamson (@mzmadmike) February 10, 2015

There's no way Sixteen Candles could happen today. The plot would be that only 10 people wrote "hbd" on Samantha's Facebook wall.

— LBJohnson (@ladybirdj) February 4, 2015

The man who shot down Brian Williams' helicopter reportedly shouted "what's the frequency Kenneth?!"

— Jimmy (@JimmyPrinceton) February 4, 2015

What? Your Pokémon is evolving! *hundreds of years later* Squirtles are now slightly less susceptible to the flu.

— Glenn (@justabloodygame) February 5, 2015

Let he who has never falsely remembered himself in a helicopter hit by rocket-propelled grenades cast the first stone.

— Josh Greenman (@joshgreenman) February 5, 2015

"Damn this war — this dirty, stinking war!" – Brian Williams playing Dance Dance Revolution

— David Burge (@iowahawkblog) February 5, 2015

"I'm Rob Lowe" "And I'm lied about my helicopter getting hit by an RPG Rob Lowe" #BrianWilliamsMisremembers

— Anthony Bialy (@AnthonyBialy) February 5, 2015

I just called Brian Williams cell phone and got a voice mail for Vandelay Industries.

— John Nolte (@NolteNC) February 5, 2015

today is National Weatherpersons Day. or maybe it isn't. pretty good chance though. I'd plan for it. or not. maybe check back later?

— Dave Ditell (@davedittell) February 5, 2015

"Ok welcome to ask stupid questions club. Any questions?" Is this ask stupid questions club? "You're now the leader of this club" What club?

— Cocaine Cola (@SatansTongue) February 2, 2015

Yes, we swim for health and fun, but also to show Poseidon that while he may own the sea, he will never own man.

— shelby fero (@shelbyfero) February 2, 2015

Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!

— Star Wars Nerd (@aka_fatman) February 3, 2015

Harper Lee is now putting out novels faster than George R.R. Martin.

— Cole Stratton (@colestratton) February 3, 2015

*swallows pride* *reads the label* 'this pride may contain nuts* oh no *swells with pride*

— kyle (@hippieswordfish) February 1, 2015

Was gonna watch the film adaptation of The Hobbit but I didn't have time so I just read the book.

— Sean Thomason (@TheThomason) January 30, 2015

this doesn’t seem very secure pic.twitter.com/MNTsRwQsc9

— lawblob (@lawblob) January 30, 2015

I hope Brandon Sanderson has some good ideas on how to finish up Game of Thrones

— Brian Gaar (@briangaar) January 30, 2015

Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!! Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won't fix… Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn

— Todd Williams (@TheToddWilliams) January 31, 2015

"That'll be $19.94." *pulls out $50 bill* "Sorry, we've had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?" *pulls out $25 bill*

— Blind Chow (@BlindChow) February 1, 2015

Super Bowl Ad Preview: "Aren't dogs cute? Yeah they are! Look at them! Awww! Anyway, drink beer until you forget you're alone."

— Mike Drucker (@MikeDrucker) February 1, 2015

Fact: They use Roman numerals to tell you what Super Bowl it is because that's how they did it in ancient times

— Josh Greenman (@joshgreenman) February 2, 2015

Honda: Rearview cameras are now standard on all cars for safety. Nationwide: That's super – your kids will just die a different way now.

— Josh Jordan (@NumbersMuncher) February 2, 2015

The real heroes of the Super Bowl are the players sitting on the bench for 2 hours without looking at their phones.

— noog (@noog) February 2, 2015

(suddenly snaps to after staring silently into the middle distance for half an hour) What did Krang from Ninja Turtles even want?

— Mike Bianchi (@Mike_Bianchi) January 28, 2015

The first thing totalitarians seek to control is the dictionary.

— David Burge (@iowahawkblog) January 29, 2015

"literally me right now" – fun thing to put on a tombstone

— Chase Mitchell (@ChaseMit) January 29, 2015

.Possibly the single greatest panel in Spider-Man history. @ElliottKalan @Marvel pic.twitter.com/Y4JWpLxOm8

— . (@stupidchewbacca) January 29, 2015

Can't unsee it. pic.twitter.com/a691xPunsw

— TODD SPENCE (@Todd_Spence) January 29, 2015

CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry

— Bucky Isotope (@BuckyIsotope) January 30, 2015