The best writers constantly remind readers how murder victims lose control of their bodily functions at the time of death.

— Uncle Dynamite (@UncleDynamite) February 20, 2015

As if there could be a costume for movie Aquaman that you WOULDN'T make fun of.

— Sean Thomason (@TheThomason) February 20, 2015

[Starbucks intercom] "Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking."

— Loco Eric (@ericsshadow) February 21, 2015

*guy from Lord of the Rings drowning on Lost* *writes on hand* *presses hand urgently to window* UPDOG

— Dr. Whom (@chapel3929) February 22, 2015

Having been on the red carpet, let me say, it's very disorienting. The pepper spray, the mace, the many Taser shots. One's head spins!

— Michael J Nelson (@michaeljnelson) February 23, 2015

"I'm going to kill you, Brendadirk Cramplescrunch." pic.twitter.com/UQ4LUgzozD

— Michael Deppisch (@deppisch) February 23, 2015

If loving Adam Levine is wrong I don't want to be wrong

— Paige (@PeachCoffin) February 23, 2015

I'd like to thank the Academy, my wife, my kids, my- *play-off music starts* *I sit down, sip wine, open a favorite book* It was the best of

— Glenn (@justabloodygame) February 23, 2015

[oscar telecast post-mortem] “look i know the show ran long but honestly i can’t think of anything we could’ve cut”

— andy levy (@andylevy) February 23, 2015