(somewhere secret in the desert)

Corporate Advertising Imam: I’m glad you have all assembled together today. Your support is really heartening. As you know, we’ve taken some pretty bad PR hits lately, and it has really affected our fundraising and recruiting efforts. That is why we are here today. It is time to judge the commercials you submitted for the contest. Remember the winner gets his choice of any three from the prison pen to use as he sees fit. OK, Ahmed. We will be viewing your commercial first. Would you like to say something about it?

Ahmed: There is really nothing much to say, praise Allah. If we want to fleece the money of the infidels of the west, we just need to make them believe they are doing it for the children.

Habib: That is so true. They will do any stupid thing if they believe it is for the children. They are so foolish. You can always make more children. They are like trees. A renewable resource.

Ahmed: Nonetheless, Allah willing, this commercial I have made will really tug at the heart strings of the infidel and they will be rushing to give us their funds. Just push play and you will see.

(Commercial begins to play. The scene shows Ahmed dressed to look like Katy Perry. There is somber music playing and shots of sad-faced children fade in and out behind him.)

Ahmed Perry: What would you do if there was a child right in front of you sitting all alone crying in pain?

(shot behind shows child strapped to a whipping post)

Ahmed Perry: And what if all you had to do was reach into your pocket and pull out 50 cents to save that child’s life?

(shot behind shows small hangman’s noose)

Ahmed Perry: This is that child, and this is that moment.

(shot behind shows tiny crosses and then children struggling to climb out of a deep pit)

Ahmed Perry: These two quarters. It’s never been easier to save the life of a child.

(shot behind shows child being held down and then cuts to a raised machete)

Ahmed Perry: Go online or call this number and join UNISIS with your 15 dollar monthly gift. It’s only 50 cents a day, and it will get these children the critical help they need to survive.

(shot behind shows small feet standing on a chair and a foot swinging to kick it out from under)

Ahmed Perry: At UNISIS we believe that’s what every child deserves.

(shot behind shows a hand tossing a jagged stone up and down in anticipation)

Ahmed Perry: We know you do to. But you have to reach into your pocket and make it happen.

(shot behind shows a cage filled with children and a slowly swinging gasoline can)

Ahmed Perry: Go online or make that call now because that child in front of you can’t wait another moment.

(shot shows the lighting of a match, and the commercial fades)

Corporate Advertising Imam (struggling to hold back tears and clapping lightly)

All (ululating and firing into the air)

Ahmed: Of course, to be perfectly clear, we will not be saving any of the children.

Corporate Advertising Imam: Well of course not, Allah forbid.  We still need to blame their deaths on those whore mothers of devils in Jordan.

(to be continued, maybe, if I feel like it)