(somewhere secret in the desert)

Corporate EHS Imam: Let’s start with a short safety video.

Mohamar (running up to the group): Sorry I am late.  Have I missed anything important?

Corporate EHS Imam:  No, no.  We are just getting started.

Habib: That is a very nice shirt, Mohamar.  Is it new?

Mohamar: Why, yes.  Thanks for asking.  Kohl’s had a sale online.

Habib: That is such a lovely red.  It really brings out your eyes.  Is that Virgin’s-Blood-Red?

Mohamar: Oh no, Allah forfend.  They were sold out of Virgin’s-Blood-Red.  This is Washed-in-the-Blood-of-the-Infidel-Red.

Habib: Either way, it is a very nice red shirt.

Corporate EHS Imam: Yes, we get it. Mohamar is wearing a red shirt.  Let’s get on with the video, shall we.  I’m going to warn you, the video is really dated, but the information is still good, so please bear with it. (Puts video in player and it starts on the TV. The TV is a really old type with a tube, and it is behind chicken wire). Oh, and let me remind you to please refrain from stoning the television. This is the last one I could find, and it barely works as it is.

(The television screen shows the ‘Safety Shorts’ logo and the title of the video: Complacency and Safety)

Safety Shorts Narrator: This is Clay Aikins, and I’m here to remind you to be safe. The workplace is full of hidden dangers, and complacency can bring them out of hiding. Let’s see what happens to Eli Goldstein when he becomes complacent in the workplace.

Eli (feeding papers into the shredder): Hey, Ben, did you see the game last night?

(As he looks away at Ben, Eli’s tie gets caught in the shredder and pulls him toward it. He struggles and screams for help. Droplets of blood splatter the screen as the scene freezes.)

All (cheering, ululating and shooting their guns into the air)

Ahmed: Allah shine upon us! Even the office machinery of the infidel rises up and cries, here is a Jew! Come and kill him while I hold his neck down for your blade.

All: Allahu akbar! Allahu akbar! (ululating and shooting guns into air)

Corporate EHS Imam: No, no, no, no, no! Stop it! Stop it right now! By Mohammad’s beard, stop firing right now! By Allah, do you have any idea how unsafe that is? Every one of you put your safeties on this instant!

All (looking at him blankly and murmuring)

Corporate EHS Imam: Oh, Allah give me strength! The safety. The safety. On the left side of your gun down by the trigger. It’s that little button. Push it in. You should always have your safety on unless you are actively raping and pillaging. That’s good. Now you won’t accidentally shoot me. Ok, let’s stop the video and talk about it a little bit. What are some of the hidden dangers in our workplace?

Ali: IEDs!

Galid: Oh, I was gonna say that!

Habib: Drones!

Ahmed: AK-47s!

Galid: I was gonna say that too!

Ali: Oh I know.  I know one, the evil machinations of the Jews!

Galid: Ali’s flatulence!

Ali: Hey!

Habib: It is true, my friend. Had the Great Satan Bush found you in Iraq, they would be cloning you now to produce nerve toxins.

Galid: You are a WMD, my friend.  Camels flee you.  Praise Allah you are on our side.

Corporate EHS Imam: OK.  Very good. All very real workplace hazards. But what are some of the more mundane dangers? Anyone?

All (silence)

Ahmed: Those desert asps?

Ali: Yes, yes. I can never see them. They are camouflaged so well.

Corporate EHS Imam: Good. Anything else?

All (silence)

Corporate EHS Imam: Well, I’ve got one then. What about germs? Preventable diseases. There has been an inordinate amount of dysentery reported at this camp.

Ahmed: That is because of the wily Jews?

Corporate EHS Imam: No, it is not because of the Jews. Not everything can be blamed on the Jews.

Ali: Allah spit upon them! It is true. I have seen it.  When the jets of the infidel fly across the sky they leave those long white clouds behind them. Those are the bioweapons of the Mossad raining irritable bowels upon us.

All: Yes, curse the enemies of Allah!

Corporate EHS Imam: No, no, no. Those are just contrails. Jets naturally leave them in the sky. They are harmless. The illnesses you have been getting in the camp are the result of poor sanitation. Rubbing your left hand in the sand does nothing to kill bacteria. You all need to start washing and sanitizing your hands. I have put hand sanitizer dispensers at each of the latrines and at both gates to the goat pen. Please use them when you are done so that we can contain the spread of these preventable diseases.

Galid: But I am confused. You say the Jews are not to blame for everything, but I have heard that the Jews have put hormones into hand sanitizer that will turn us into homosexuals.

Habib: I have never used hand sanitizer in my life. I spit upon it.

Ali: I do not want to touch man in that way, Allah protect me.  I do not want to be hanged.

Corporate EHS Imam: I promise you. The sanitizer is safe. Just use it, please. We are losing too many days to illness.  Now let’s talk about one last thing. Preventing injuries in the workplace. Statistically speaking, what are the most common on the job injuries? Anyone?

Ahmed: Exploding!

Galid: Catching homosexuality from hand sanitizer!

Ali: Being kicked in the balls by a camel!

Habib: Getting your beard caught in the shredder!

Corporate EHS Imam: All good guesses, but no. The most common workplace injuries are sprains and strains. And how do we prevent sprains and strains?

All (silence)

Corporate EHS Imam: By properly stretching and loosening up our muscles. I want you all to get in the habit of stretching before you do any heavy lifting or head off to rape and pillage. I have a stretching routine I’d like you to practice right now so you can learn it. Let me put in the video here. Just a moment.

(television starts to play Richard Simmons ‘Sweatin’ to the Oldies.’)

All (gasp)

Ahmed: Why do I feel like that man should be wearing a burka?

Habib: It looks like he has spread hand sanitizer all over his tight little body.

Galid: Death to the homosexual!

All: Death to the homosexual! (aim their guns at the TV and pull the triggers, but no bullets come out)

Ali: Our guns! They do not work. They are not raining fiery death upon the homosexual in the TV.  What deviltry is this?

Ahmed: It is the witchcraft of Jews! It is the Jew-controlled media, sending its spell upon us through the television!

Habib: No.  Stop it.  Why do I suddenly want to watch Glee?

Galid: I can feel the icy hand of the Jew clutching at me from the very TV screen.  Death to the Jew-run media!

Ahmed: Stone him!

Habib: But don’t hurt the tape.

Ali: Stone him!

Corporate EHS Imam: No. No. What did I say? Do not stone the TV.  No.  Put those stones down.

All (throw stones at the TV. None of the stones make it through the chicken wire.)

Ali: What is this? Our stones do nothing! See how the Jews outwit us at every turn!

Corporate EHS Imam: It has nothing to do with the Jews. It’s because you all have your safeties on.  When your safety is on, your gun will not fire.  That is why it is called a safety.  It’s so you can’t accidentally shoot someone.

Mohamar (shrieking and charging the TV with his knife): We will not be so easily thwarted. Death to Richard Simmons!  I will bathe my shirt in your blood!

Mohamar (stabs knife through the chicken wire and into picture tube. There is a flash as the capacitor discharges and Mohamar convulses and rigidly falls to the ground as smoke tendrils rise from him)

Habib: NOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ali: Mohamar!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Corporate EHS Imam: Well, one more for the martyr board.

Ali: So, it was the fault of the safeties?  That is why we could not shoot the homosexual in the television?

Galid: It was not the fault of the Jews?

Corporate EHS Imam: It was not the Jews.

Ahmed: Ah, but how do we know the Jews did not make the safeties?

Galid: I am confused. It seems to me that Mohamar was killed by the Jewish-controlled homosexual because we had our safeties on. That sounds like having the safeties on made us less safe.

All: Yes!

Ali: Death to the safety!

Habib: Death to EHS!  I spit upon safety!

Ahmed: We must avenge the death of Mohamar!

Galid: To the village!

Ali: To the village!

Corporate EHS Imam: Wait. Wait. You have not stretched yet! And do not forget your sunscreen. And I forgot to tell you about blood borne pathogens.  No beheadings unless you wear the latex gloves and the face shields. And whatever you do, do not drink the blood of the infidel.  Oh, Allah, why do I even try?

Corporate HR Imam: It is no use. And I’m pretty sure their safeties are still on, too. I fear our board will be piled with martyrs before this day is through.  We must put our trust in Allah.  You know what they say back at Corporate: Were Allah’s might not behind us, our mujahedeen would have destroyed jihad long ago.