Reporter: What would you say to those people who have called into question your moral equivalency of ISIS and the Crusades? Sir? Sir?

Obama (stares vacantly into space)

Michelle (clad in leather, blindfolded and tied to the bed): Barack? I’m waiting. Don’t make me wait.

Obama (wearing a leather hood and slapping a riding crop against his hand): I’m gonna beat you like a Muslim bride.

Michelle (squirms and pouts)

Obama: What? Did that offend you?

Michelle (pout deepens): I was hoping for the Spanish Inquisition.

Obama: So cliché. Absolutely everyone expects the Spanish Inquisition.

Michelle: That’s not what I heard. Come on. Treat me like a heretic.

Obama: More like a witch.

Michelle: Now that was just hurtful. Don’t make me cast a spell on you.

Obama: Pretending to be a Christian? I just can’t do that anymore.

Michelle: Come on. Not even for me?

Obama: Not even here. Not even now.

Michelle (pouts and purrs): Please. I’ll confess to anything. Congress with the devil. And the black sabbats.

Obama: No, I won’t do it. I can’t. That’s just taking things too far. I mean, all religions are equally untrue, uh, I mean dangerous, uh, I mean, invalid, uh, I mean valid. I guess, what I am saying is they are all equal. But the depravity of Christianity? It’s just too much for me to bear. I can’t put on that mask. Not even for you. I mean, they want babies with down syndrome to live. What kind of monsters….

Michelle: Ok, ok. I won’t push. But I don’t want to do Muslim today. Oh, unless… I know. You’re Dick Cheney. I’m Khalid Sheik Mohammad. I know where the bomb is. Make me talk. Make me squeal. What would you do to me?

Obama (reaching down to untie Michelle)

Michelle: Wait. What are you doing?

Obama: Releasing you from GITMO.

Michelle (looks at him quizzically)

Obama: You are taking things too far. I can’t do what you are asking. I can’t be Dick. I won’t be Dick.

Michelle: Why?

Obama: Because Khalid has a point, alright! Is that what you wanted to hear? America has been the big bully on the block for long enough. I’ve spent six years trying to change that. And even alone here with you, I cannot pretend to like America. Not until I can transform it. Not until America is finally an America we can be proud of.

Michelle: I’m proud of you. But tell me. Would you really have let Khalid go?

Obama: How could I not? Would I waterboard Paul Revere or Thomas Jefferson? Is Khalid any different? Clinging to his beliefs against the might of the global hegemon? How can I not root for him against our sea of black hats and black deeds?

Michelle: Even if it means the deaths of Americans?

Obama: How can you even ask that? I knew where James Foley was for weeks. And Kayla Mueller. Why do you think I stayed my hand?

Michelle: You tell me.

Obama: I couldn’t figure out a way to rescue them without killing some of the freedom fighters. Are their lives worth any less than the American’s they held hostage? How could I live with that innocent blood upon my heart?

Michelle: So much nuance. Is nothing ever black and white to you?

Obama: I can see nothing but grey, shades and shades of grey. We all stumble and suffer along in a world wrapped in grey.

Reporter: Sir? Sir?

Obama: Um, yes.  Let em be clear.  Lest we get on our high horse, let us remember Christianity is not without its flaws. Burning people alive and not embracing and celebrating homosexuality with open arms are both hateful acts.  Beheading people and refusing to pay for your employee’s birth control and abortions are both unacceptable acts.

Corporate Advertising Imam: Let us all excuse the CFI while he goes and tries to mitigate that minor cockup. Without further ado, here is Habib’s entry. Would you like to introduce it, Habib?

Habib: No need. The video will be doing the speaking for itself, praise Allah.

Corporate Advertising Imam: Ok, let’s start it up then.

(Screen shows Habib leading a team of mujahedeen as they ride fiercely across the desert)

Habib: To the village!

Khalid: To the village!

(They ride in to the village square where a cowboy, an indian, a construction worker, a cop, a sailor and a leather-clad motorcyclist are waiting for them)

Habib: It is the people of the village!

Village People (in tandem and lisping): Now those are some macho men. What took you so long, fellas?

Leather-Clad (opens vest to reveal bombs strapped to his chest)

Khalid: Look out! He has a bomb!

Leather-Clad: Yes. A glitter bomb! Take that, sweet cheeks! (activates bomb and the square is showered in glitter. A disco ball drops and the music starts)

Village People (singing and dancing):

Young man, there’s a place you can go

I said, young man, not talkin’ ‘bout Charlie Hebdo

They have everything for you men to enjoy,

You can hang out with all the boys….

It’s fun to stay with the I.S.I.S.

It’s fun to stay with the I.S.I.S.

Sailor: Come on, everybody, join in the fun!

(Habib, Khalid and their mujahedeen enthusiastically dismount, throw off their tunics and join the dancing throng)

All (singing):

Young man, young man, come mow your enemies down

Young man, young man, crush the West to the ground

I.S.I.S….you’ll find it at the I.S.I.S

I.S.I.S….you’ll find it at the I.S.I.S

(Sound of planes overhead. Shot shows paratroopers leaping from the planes above the village)

Habib: Look everybody! It’s raining men!

(Paratroopers land and join the dance party)

All: Yeah!

It’s fun to stay with the I.S.I.S.

It’s fun to stay with the I.S.I.S.

Habib: Brotherhood never felt so right. Come party with us. See dhimmi.org for details.

(Dance party that fades out)

All (silent with jaws dropping)

Ali: Why do I feel the strong urge to stone my eyes?

Corporate Advertising Imam: Well, that was an interesting take.

Habib: Don’t you get it? It’s ironic. I was being cagy. It will lure the enemy to us.

All (silent with jaws still dropping)

Habib: Ah, it was just too meta for you. Your kids will explain it to you.

(to be continued, maybe, if I feel like it)