Maddow: We have another special MSNBC exclusive for you today. Edward Snowden is live in the studio with us.

Matthews: Well, it’s not really Edward Snowden, but it might as well be. We have Benedict Cumberbatch with us today. He’s not Edward Snowden, but he played him on TV.

Cumberbatch: Well, I think you may be mistaken. We really aren’t talking about Edward Snowden. I never played Edward Snowden. I believe you mean Julian Assange, and I didn’t play him on TV. It was a major motion picture.

Maddow: Well, I don’t want to contradict you, but I did see the trailer on TV.

Matthews: And I only saw the bit-torrent release of the film, also on my TV, though I did fall asleep pretty quickly, so…

Maddow: Did anyone actually see the film in the theaters?

Matthews: Regardless, lesson learned, Mr. Cumbersnatch.

Cumberbatch: That’s Cumberbatch.

Matthews: Cumberbatch, then. But the lesson remains the same. Don’t lock horns with the crack investigative staff at MSNBC. You won’t win.

Maddow: Exactly. All the facts and opinions we share are impeccably sourced, vetted, checked and double-checked.

Cumberbatch: I stand corrected, sir and madam.

Maddow: Don’t be sexist.

Matthews: But anyway, Mr. Cumberbund is…

Cumberbatch: That is Cumberbatch.

Matthews: Isn’t that what I said?

Cumberbatch: No. You said Cumberbund.

Matthews: Hey, James. In the control room. Yes, can you roll back the teleprompter a bit? Well, the teleprompter clearly says ‘Cumberbund.’ Are you sure you have your name right?

Maddow: We never make factual errors at MSNBC.

Cumberbatch: Well, it really doesn’t matter at this point. Why don’t you just call me Ben. Much easier that way.

Matthews: OK, Benji…

Cumberbatch: No, not Benji. My name is not Benjamin. It is Benedict. Please just call me Ben.

Maddow: Ok, Edward. If I may…

Cumberbatch: No, I am not Edward Snowden. I didn’t even play Edward Snowden. It was Julian Assange. But I get that a lot. I do get confused for Julian quite often actually. NSA employees piss on me when they pass me on the street, and I get a lot of e-mails from women begging for surprise sex. It’s really very, very queer, actually.

Maddow: Don’t be a homophobe.

Matthews: But why don’t we get on to why you are here, Julian. Not to steal your thunder, but, like most celebrities, you have some very important information to share with us.

Cumberbatch: Why, yes I do, actually. As I said, I get confused with Mr. Assange rather frequently when I am out and about. I met Julian once. My portrayal of him was so superlative, shall we say, that he got confused and thought that I was he and gave me access to all of his stolen information.

Matthews: Really? Fascinating.

Maddow: Rather fortuitous.

Cumberbatch: Yes, yes, it was. And I was browsing through the surveillance videos he’d acquired, mostly Julian’s surprise sex tapes, as one might expect, I happened upon some that were much more interesting. I have here security footage of the assault upon the US Embassy in Benghazi. Footage from many different cameras placed both within and without the embassy. When I saw this, I knew I was on to something.

Maddow: You aren’t kidding. We’ve seen the footage ourselves, and it is really incredible.

Matthews: We ran it past the White House, and they are livid. They don’t want this footage to get out.

Maddow: Absolutely not. Now that the Benghazi report is done and behind them, they just want this issue to go away. But, we never let the White House dictate our agenda. We’ve been making them livid a lot lately.

Matthews: Why don’t we just roll the tape and let the truth speak for itself.  Video evidence is always reliable and incontrovertible.  But be warned.  The video does get a bit graphic and some viewers may find it offensive.

Cumberbatch: Hopefully not offensive enough to riot over.

Matthews (laughing): Indeed.  Roll the tape, please.

(Video begins. Shows robed people milling about the outskirts of the embassy.)

Maddow: So what is it we are looking at here?

Matthews: It looks like regular Lebanese people just going about their daily business.

Cumberbatch: I think you mean Libyan people.

Matthews: Preposterous. Are you suggesting people bused a bunch of Libyans into Lebanon for this? Why?  There are plenty of natives around.

Maddow (whispering to Cumberbatch): I thought you got all the extras from the Home Depot parking lot.

Cumberbatch (whispers back): Shhhhhhh.

Matthews: Oh, wait. Here is where things start to get interesting. Look, look.

(Video shows a handful of people in black cowls spreading among the people showing them something on their cellphones.)

Maddow: Can anyone make out what those people are showing the peaceful Lebanese citizens? Is there a better camera angle? Yes, there it is. You see that?

Matthews: Yes, yes. It is the Youtube video.

(Footage shows the people seeing the Youtube video getting angrier and angrier and beginning to riot at what they saw)

Maddow: They were right. They were right all along. It was a spontaneous protest that sprang up around that video!

Cumberbatch: Spontaneous? Really? It isn’t spontaneous. It is being caused. What do we know about those people in the black cowls?

Maddow: Are you sure you are a celebrity? That was smashing insight.

Matthews: Is there a camera angle that gives us a better look at the black cowled folks? (camera zooms to the shadowed face of a cowled individual.  It appears to be Cumberbatch in disguise) Yes, yes, I can see something beneath the cowl. Is that a huge nose? And a yamaka? And those weird, curly side burn thingies?

Maddow: Yes, I believe you are right. Those are Zionists straight up.

Matthews: Quite possibly the Mossad. This is a manufactured protest.

Maddow: I think everyone owes Susan Rice a big apology.

Matthews: Let’s cut to the scene from within the embassy.

(Video switches to show Cumberbatch made up to look like Ambassador Stevens on his phone at his desk inside the embassy)

Matthews: I know we are looking at the late Ambassador Stevens, but he bears a striking resemblance to you, Eddie-Baby.  May I call you Eddie-Baby?

Cumberbatch: No, you may not call me Eddie-Baby.  It is Ben. And yes, my resemblance to the late Ambassador, a hero, really, has been noted before. When my family first saw his photograph on the news, they called me up to make sure I was still alive. (laughs) Of course I was. And, of course, as an actor, I practice the art of the chameleon, taking on the appearance of the one I am trying to imitate. People can find it confusing. I’m very proud of the fact that I never use makeup to affect my transformations. Just impeccable and precise control of my musculature. Smaug, you know? No makeup or effects at all. That was just me acting.

Maddow: Fascinating, really.

Matthews: I think we are all just grateful that you use your power for good rather than evil.  But let’s get back to the video, shall we? Ambassador Stevens appears to be talking.

Stevens: No, no. Do not send in troops to deal with the protestors. They are innocent pawns. The Zionists are long gone now. No. No. I understand my life is in danger. I will not have the lives of innocent Lebanese on my hands. I don’t know that their endgame is, but if there is a massacre here, the Zionists win.

(There is a banging at the door, the door rattles on its hinges and is finally kicked in. Cumberbatch made up to look like President Obama in military garb bursts into the room)

Obama: Quick, Ambassador. We have to get you out of here now!

Matthews: I have never realized how much you look like President Obama before either.

Cumberbatch: I do have one of those faces. (laughs)

Obama: Hurry! We need to go now!

Sinister Voice: Say your prayers, pardner!

Obama: That Wyoming accent. It can only be….

(There is a gunshot from behind Obama. Stevens crumples to the floor. Cumberbatch made up to look like Dick Cheney enters the room. He is covered from head to toe with mewling babies with only his face visible.)

Obama: No! You’ve shot the Ambassador!

Cheney: Reach for the sky, pilgrim. Don’t try anything funny. I’ve no qualms about shooting my friends in the face. I sure ain’t got no qualms about peggin’ you, and I’m packin’ more than birdshot on this fine day.

Obama (begins to raise his gun)

Cheney: Uh uh uh.  Drop it. Nice and easy like. You can’t take me out without killing some innocent Palestinian babies. CNN would lap that right up. Leading a horse to water is a waste of time, but you can lead a reporter to a pile of dung and make them eat all day long and into the night. Shoot, they’d be beggin’ to eat it.

Obama: OK, OK. You win. (lowers gun with one hand while quickly flipping a needle toward Cheney with his other. The needle finds its mark in Cheney’s neck. Cheney drops to the floor, clutching his chest.)

Cheney: No. Not another heart attack. Not now.

Obama: Potassium chloride. I’m always prepared for the likes of you.

Cheney’s walkie talkie (Cumberbatch’s voice imitating a woman’s voice erupts from the walkie talkie): Big Dick? Big Dick? Are you there? Answer me Big Dick.

Obama: That voice. I’d recognize it anywhere. I hear it every day. That is Sharyl Attkisson of CBS News. (picks up walkie talkie) Sharyl. Let me be perfectly clear. The Big Dick is flaccid… and I’m coming for you. (crushes walkie talkie beneath his boot)

Stevens (weakly): No. No. You mustn’t. No one must know.

Obama: Can you stand? Let’s get you to a medic.

Stevens: It’s too late for me. Promise me. Promise me.

Obama: Anything.

Stevens: No one must know CBS was involved. The Americans’ trust in the media is at an all time low. This will crush it. Destroy the media. Only Fox will endure.  We must not let that happen.  The media is too important. It must survive. Without it….Your agenda…..

Obama: But what should I tell them?

Stevens: It was the video. It was all about the video. Promise me…..

(footage ends)

Maddow: Powerful stuff.

Matthews: Riveting, and no less factual than many historical dramas we have seen over the past few decades.

Maddow: And if you ever needed a reason to ignore Attkisson’s book about the stonewalling Obama administration, this is clearly all the reason you need. But it’s time for a commercial break. After the break, we will discuss what we have just seen with Sharyl Attkisson herself (promo screen shows Cumberbatch made up to look like Sharyl Attkisson waving at the camera). Stay tuned.

[High Praise! to Hope n’ Change Cartoons]

I hope this makes a lot of liberals and terrorists VERY sad.

Texas Governor Greg Abbott declared February 2nd to be “Chris Kyle Day” to honor the Texan who became known the most lethal sniper in American history. Kyle was also recently immortalized in the blockbuster film “American Sniper.”