(still somewhere secret in the desert)

Corporate Advertising Imam: And now it is time for the last entry in the contest.  Ali’s commercial.  Let’s just start that one rolling now.

(screen shows family at the dinner table conversing happily)

Voice Over: Now you can own a piece of history, commemorating the day the world changed forever.  Be one of the first to own this special set of commemorative plates: Historic Mockery.

(shot pans over a set of plates, but the images on the plates are blurred out)

Voice Over: Each entry to the Historic Mockery collection is crafted of fine porcelain and richly accented with 24 carat gold trim.  Each plate in the collection comes with a certificate of authenticity and a display stand for any curio or display case, or you can proudly hang them on any wall.  The issue for each plate has been strictly limited to just 65 firing days, and after that each die will be destroyed forever.

All (ululating and firing their weapons into the air and chanting): Fire! Die! Destroy! Fire! Die! Destroy!

Corporate Advertising Imam (pausing video): Please, please.  Settle down. Ali put a lot of work into this, so let’s be polite and hold off on celebrating until the end.

Corporate EHS Imam: And what did I tell you about your safeties?

(All moan and engage their safeties)

Voice Over: The Historic Mockery collection, destined to become a precious and treasured family heirloom, depicts each and every one of the Charlie Hebdo Mohammad cartoons in full color and crystal clarity, so you can laugh at the prophet again and again.

All (raging): Death to all who insult the prophet!  Stone them!

Corporate Advertising Imam: No.  No stoning!

Corporate EHS Imam: Don’t waste your breath.  They’re gonna stone it.  But watch this.

All (stone the movie screen. The screen just ripples and the stones bounce off)

Corporate EHS Imam: I’m using a projector and an old style movie screen. The screen is pretty much stone proof.  I wish I’d thought of this months ago.

Galid: The plates of blasphemy!  They are not breaking!  Our stones, they just bounce off!  What deviltry is this?  Ali, maker of this blasphemy, surely you have some explaining to do?  Are you really a Jew?

Habib: Stone Ali!  Stone Ali!  Stone Ali:

Ahmed: Death to all who mock the prophet!

All: Stone Ali!  Stone Ali!  Death to the Jew!

Ali: No, no, no, let me explain, Allah willing.  The plates, they are blurred.  They are blurred.

Galid: But they are still blasphemous images of the prophet.  Blurred or not!

Ali: No.  No. The plates do not show the prophet.  Why would I make such a plate?  No. They are my Obama collection of plates.  I just blurred them for the commercial.  They are not Mohammad.  There is no Mohammad on the plates.

Galid: But even blurred I can make some of it out. Surely, that one is Mohammad wielding the mighty scimeter of Allah in Medina.

Ali: No.  That is not a scimeter.  It’s a golf club.

Ahmed: But that one there is clearly the prophet prostrating himself before the feet of the angel Gabriel.

Ali: Nope.  Obama bowing before King Abdullah.  They are all Obama.  Not Mohammad.  Obama.  See.  That one is Obama receiving the Nobel Peace Prize.  And that one is him obfuscating over fast and furious.  And that one obfuscating over Obamacare.  And that one obfuscating over the IRS audits.  And that one obfuscating over Benghazi.  And that one obfuscating over spying on his own subjects.  And that one obfuscating over Solyndra…

Habib: It is amazing.  Blur Obama just a little bit, and I cannot tell him from Mohammad.

Ahmed: Seriously.  By Allah’s beard, I swear I am looking at Mohammad.  That looks exactly like the image of Mohammad I keep in my head.

Galid: What!  You keep an image of Mohammad in your head!  Idolater!  Blasphemer!  Stone Ahmed’s head!

Ahmed: No, no, no.  It was just a figure of speech.  There is no image.  No image.  I would never.

Galid: I spit upon your figure of speech!  I spit upon the image of Mohammad!

Habib: What!  You spit upon the image of Mohammad?  Blasphemy!

Galid: But is not the image of Mohammad blasphemous? Should it not be spit upon?

Habib: But is it not still the prophet?

Galid: I am so confused.  Upon what do I spit to express my disdain for this blasphemy? Look at me.  I drool with righteous indignation.  Where do I spit?

Ahmed: We are getting off of the path.  It is Ali who was selling the plates insulting the prophet.  Spit upon him.

Ali: No.  It was not Mohammad.

Galid: Maybe not yet.  But what about when someone ordered the plates?  Surely you would have to make the plates of blasphemy before you could deliver them. Were you planning on ripping off the customer?  Did you not think they would ask for a refund?  What kind of scheme is this?

Ali: That’s the point.  Think about it.  Does Allah not wish us to lie to the infidel?  Who but an enemy of Allah would buy such a fine collection of commemorative plates?

Ahmed: Ah. I see.  You are a genius, my friend.  You will be taking of their money but not shipping them the plates of blasphemy.

Ali: Oh no.  Even better.  Instead of boxing up the plates to ship to them, we will be putting into the box a suicide bomber.  When they open up the box so they can mock the prophet of Allah, boom!  Surprise!  These crazy infidels will be paying us to put a hit on them.  Minus $5.95 shipping and handling, it is all profit for us.

Ahmed: Oh, and minus the cost of the bomb.

Ali: Well, yes of course.  That too.

Galid: And the cost of the life of the suicide bomber.

All (laughing):

Ahmed: The cost of the suicide bomber!  You slay me!  To think of human life having a cost!

Galid: But I am confused.  Could we not just put a bomb in the box instead of shipping an entire suicide bomber?  Just the cost of shipping alone….

Ali: Oh Galid.  Would you deny the virgins of paradise their martyr?  Surely your childlike innocence brings tears of mirth to the eyes of Allah.

Kareem (limps weakly toward the group.  He is wearing a red shirt that is covered as well with blood): Help us.  You must help us.

Ahmed: Kareem!  What has happened?  Who has attacked you?

Kareem (speaking weakly): I do not know, Allah curse them.  We were holding the memorial for Said. We were all wearing the Washed-in-the-Blood-of-the-Infidel red shirts in memory of his death by bloated goat.  Then the bullets!  They just rained from the sky like a rain of bullets!  It was a bath of blood.  I fear most of us were slain.

Galid: It is the witchcraft of the Jews!

Corporate EHS Imam: No, it was not the witchcraft of the Jews.  Do you all remember how I told you how unsafe it was to fire your guns into the air?  Do you?  This is why.  Everyone, head over there and see who you can save.

(all mount and ride away)

Corporate EHS Imam (to the Corporate Advertising Imam): That is like three seasons of red shirts in one shot.  You see why we need those recruitment ads?

Corporate Advertising Imam: Well, that contest was a bust.  We can’t use any of the ones they submitted.  Even with the free spots MSNBC and CNN promised us, we are gonna need to get an outside firm to produce the ad.  We have no other option.

Corporate EHS Imam: We don’t have the money for that.

Corporate Advertising Imam: Unless……

Corporate EHS Imam:  Oh, I know what you are thinking.  No, no, no, no…..

Corporate Advertising Imam: You just got those two grants from the Obama administration.

Corporate EHS Imam: That is exactly what I was saying no to.

Corporate Advertising Imam: The one grant to study the effects of global jihad on global warming.

Corporate EHS Imam: No, no, no, no, no…..

Corporate Advertising Imam: And the other to study the effects of nuking Israel on global warming. Come on, we can dip into that.  US tax dollars can be spent better than on your environmental research.  Let’s put it to good use.

Corporate EHS Imam: Then what happens when they come looking for results?

Corporate Advertising Imam: Seriously?  This is climate science.  Just make up some numbers that support catastrophic warming, and no one will even review your work. I bet we could get Michael Mann to work up some more hockey sticks for free.

Corporate EHS Imam: I don’t know.

Corporate Advertising Imam (sing song): Oh, come on.  It’s for jihad. The silly Americans will always give you more money if you say it is for global warming research.  They don’t even know how to turn that spigot off.

Corporate EHS Imam: Ok, fine.  You win.  But I get a cameo in the ad.