"Go to college" is to education what "put stuff in your mouth" is to nutrition.
— David Burge (@iowahawkblog) February 13, 2015
Waiter: More water?
Me: No thx
Waiter: *pours water* Have some
Me: I don't-
Waiter: *starts gushing water out of his eyes & mouth* WAAATERRR
— patrick (@tastefactory) February 14, 2015
Therapist: what would you say to your mum if she were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. You looked like you were dead.
— David Hughes (@david8hughes) February 14, 2015
"Fifty Shades of Grey" sounds like an OK title 'til you hear it's about a guy named Christian Grey. I assume he owns 50 pairs of Ray Bans.
— Bill Corbett (@BillCorbett) February 14, 2015
SNL: 40 years, 40 laughs.
— Anthony Bialy (@AnthonyBialy) February 16, 2015
I think I’ll write a story about a janitor who works in an ice cream factory who solves complicated ice cream problems on the chalkboard at night. He can also be into bondage. I’ll call him Hugh More Icecream.
50 Shades of Good Hugh More Icecream
Let it sink in.