[slowly raise head out of ball pit] were you followed?

— ToxicPaperWash© (@PaperWash) February 10, 2015

Listen to your kid's music not as a parent, but as one who hates new things & has already heard all the good songs that will ever be written

— Brian Doyle (@WritePlay) February 10, 2015

No, Zelda was the princess. You're thinking of Zelda's Monster

— Eric Spratling (@ericspratling) February 10, 2015

[Bank Robbery] Put all the money in the bag and no one- *sees guy wearing a Maroon 5 shirt* MOST people won't get hurt!!

— Sad Tree (@sad_tree) February 11, 2015

"Hi Republican, I'm reporter. Today's conference is about issues relating to trade and the economy, so tell us: How old is Earth?"

— Caleb Howe (@CalebHowe) February 11, 2015

You can save the blindfold, kidnappers. If we're outside my house, I don't know where we are.

— Jason Miller (@longwall26) February 11, 2015