magician for dogs: i will now make this ball disappear *pretends to throw it* *all the dogs go crazy trying to find it*

— kyle (@hippieswordfish) January 26, 2015

"it gets better" -russian police introducing a dog that can detect illegal gambling

— dan mentos (@DanMentos) January 26, 2015

if guns keep you safe then how come the chainsaw massacre happened in Texas?

— Dave Ditell (@davedittell) January 27, 2015

Capitalization can really change a sentence. Example: I love to eat candy. I LOVE TO EAT CANDY.

— Lord Pinky (@HiddenPinky) January 27, 2015

When I die I hope people will say of me, "That guy had a lot of short cables packed into a drawer for some reason."

— Michael J Nelson (@michaeljnelson) January 28, 2015

"Man and Superman?" Uh, lemme guess, Superman wins. Cool play, George Bernard Shaw, you idiot.

— Sean Thomason (@TheThomason) January 28, 2015

I always forget whether the Winklevoss Twins are real people or fairy tale characters that visit Dutch children in their sleep.

— Josh Gondelman (@joshgondelman) January 23, 2015

[interrupts beekeeper] Why though? Like, who's making you do this?

— David Hughes (@david8hughes) January 24, 2015

It's like I always say: if at first you don't succeed, go back & set the difficulty on very easy

— Brian Gaar (@briangaar) January 24, 2015

me: i just quit cold turkey turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change

— Blind Chow (@BlindChow) January 23, 2015

I drink coffee like your life depended on it

— Luvlyjonezzy (@2_LipiLicious) January 21, 2015

hello stylist, I'd like the All Portlandia Characters Rolled Into One pic.twitter.com/XZEOQitOVz

— Powernap5000 (@diarrhea) January 21, 2015

People who are #Humbled by awards must not understand what they are.

— Joshua Malina (@JoshMalina) January 21, 2015

I was skeptical because it's canned food, but man, does Fancy Feast taste good. And is it ever fancy!

— Michael J Nelson (@michaeljnelson) January 21, 2015

President: I move to lower taxes Republicans: Aye Democrats: Aye Political party who disagrees with everything made up of only horses: Nay

— Pastor Thomas (@PastorBate) January 22, 2015

I empathize with Pharaohs because I also want to die in a giant triangle

— shut up, mike (@shutupmikeginn) January 22, 2015

[starts to laugh while I read a book] im not even gonna call the dude ishmael

— Pepper Doctor (@IRLPepperMD) January 23, 2015

I didn't give you permission to call me controlling.

— John Lyon (@JohnLyonTweets) January 19, 2015

The first rule of Don't Talk About Us Club is: No fighting.

— Lord Pinky (@HiddenPinky) January 19, 2015

Whenever I see an empty motorcycle sidecar, I pause and say a prayer for what I assume is someone's dead orangutan.

— Jason Miller (@longwall26) January 19, 2015

hi and welcome to hidden chair club. please find your seat

— kyle (@hippieswordfish) January 19, 2015

Taxing tax-free college savings plans to pay for free college is, quite simply, the 8-dimensional Mt Everest of government stupid.

— David Burge (@iowahawkblog) January 20, 2015

If I had a dollar for every hour I worked I'd be like those kids who make cell phones

— Abby. Yep (@abbycohenwl) January 16, 2015

Narrator- Are you going to be hungry in 8-12 hours?! [family all together] Crock Pots!

— matt (@shadygrenade) January 16, 2015

the Supreme Court has agreed to hear my mixtape

— lawblob (@lawblob) January 16, 2015

*Planning spontaneous trip. Throws dart at map. "Ooh Syria. Risky." *Throws dart again. Lands on Kentucky. "Syria it is!"

— Fonzie's Evil Twin (@caperbc75) January 17, 2015

Dont give child a choice if there isnt one. We're being polite while Bjork performs for us Not Will u be polite while Bjork performs for us?

— Los Feliz Day Care (@LosFelizDayCare) January 18, 2015

*adjust suspenders* *chews on straw* *takes a deep breath* looks like the sports are coming in strong this year

— The platypus King (@DillDoes) January 13, 2015

"History was written by the victors" is a pretty solid opening line for a textbook if your name is Victor.

— Churlish (@Cryptoterra) January 13, 2015

My dog's a rescue. He was living downtown, eating garbage, & having a blast. Then I rescued him & made him wear a sweater & pose in pictures

— Your friend (@FunOnlineMan) January 13, 2015

Hi, is there anything on the menu that's not organic or local? I prefer something that had a horrible death then a long flight.

— Gary Janetti (@GaryJanetti) January 14, 2015

[celebrity arrest in store parking lot] cop 1: whose gun is this? cop 2: Rob Lowe's cop 1: and what did he do with it? cop 2 rob Lowe's

— dan mentos (@DanMentos) January 14, 2015

me: so you're saying i have to go back to school, starting with grade 1, all over again? judge: no sir you are going to prison for life

— mattmacneil (@mattmacneil) January 14, 2015

Wearing a "fauxhawk" is deeply offensive to indigenous Americans. Also non indigenous Americans. And Europeans. Animals. Plants, too.

— Michael J Nelson (@michaeljnelson) January 15, 2015

Pulled the rare "hat trick" today: three naps.

— Michael Ian Black (@michaelianblack) January 15, 2015

[on date] ME: I like my women like I like my wine WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink? ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please

— Joe West (@joejwest) January 12, 2015

Yes, mom! I can too make dinner without reading a recipe. *dunks oreos in glass of milk

— Wicked Jen (@wickedsuga) January 12, 2015

Every man must decide if he’s an “anyone but Jeb” guy or an “anyone but Mitt” guy

— Allahpundit (@allahpundit) January 12, 2015

I just burned 1000 calories by forgetting my pizza in the oven.

— erinsaurus rex (@erinberrypie) January 12, 2015

The saddest sentence I've ever heard is: "I briefly had a dog."

— Josh Gondelman (@joshgondelman) January 13, 2015

I don't think I can bear one more "Shooting people is bad: now I've got that bit out of the way, here's the REAL ISSUE" article

— Padraig Reidy (@mePadraigReidy) January 9, 2015

It's disturbing that when we see a man's mustache fall off we assume it's an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency

— Nice Hippo (@NicestHippo) January 9, 2015

Called my young employee Doogie Howser. Then had to explain who that is, and so we watched the Pilot instead of having a meeting.

— Cee Angi (@CeeAngi) January 9, 2015

Netflix: Are you still watching? Me: Yes. Netflix: You're sure you're watching? Me: Yes! [Netflix cannonballs off the high dive]

— Brandon (@UNTRESOR) January 9, 2015

Dear Bullies: technically it should be called 'de-pantsing,' if u 'pantsed' someone it we be putting pants on them which wd be nice actually

— refriend beans (@pharmasean) January 9, 2015

Why do the call them Christian TV networks and not stations of the cross?

— Fun_Beard (@Fun_Beard) January 10, 2015

[playing video games with son] "I don't think there is one, dad" *pauses game* there has to be a button for turn signals, son

— Brent (@murrman5) January 10, 2015

Whenever a pundit uses the term "the real victims" that's your cue to ignore them. Forever.

— David Burge (@iowahawkblog) January 10, 2015

I just realized "You can't spell socialism without Cialis" but I have no idea what to do with this information

— Arthur Chu (@arthur_affect) January 10, 2015

why aren't female mailmen called femalewomen

— Beard Spice (@BeardSpice) January 12, 2015

May you for one moment in your life feel half as pleased with yourself as Ricky Gervais does every second of every day.

— Sean Thomason (@TheThomason) January 12, 2015

i've never watched a foreign language movie i refuse to do it i think its stupid there's plenty of english ones #GoldenGlobes

— Retirement Pog (@HumanPog) January 12, 2015

Bee keeping is the opposite of what you should do with bees

— shut up, mike (@shutupmikeginn) January 8, 2015

'Numlock' and 'Capslock' sound like villains from a crappy fantasy novel.

— Damien Owens (@OwensDamien) January 8, 2015

MAKE ALL THE THINGS FREE!!!!

— Prophet Mohomo (@GayPatriot) January 9, 2015

So I hear my state's second most totalitarian female U.S. Senator is retiring.

— Blasphemous Hat (@Popehat) January 9, 2015

If you want a picture of the future, imagine a boot stamping on a human face, with a boot apologist crying "not really communism!" – forever

— Blasphemous Hat (@Popehat) January 6, 2015

My Wikipedia page would only have 2 sections. "Early Life" and "Controversy."

— OhNoSheTwitnt (@OhNoSheTwitnt) January 7, 2015

[a weary highlander drags his ancient sword along the ground] "It's cool if there's a bunch of us actually."

— David Hughes (@david8hughes) January 7, 2015

[sees baby's first steps] where the hell is this idiot going

— k e e t (@KeetPotato) January 7, 2015

Media: we're not cowards, we're just totally super respectful of the feelings of the beheading community.

— David Burge (@iowahawkblog) January 7, 2015

Which is your favorite korea mine is south

— jonnifer lopez (@senderblock23) January 2, 2015

Barack Obama chasing Joe Biden chasing a cat chasing a laser pointer

— some light crying (@somelightcrying) January 3, 2015

if a baby is born in international waters it is totally legal to fight that baby

— john freiler (@johnfreiler) January 3, 2015

[hosting bodybuilding awards] tough crowd tonight

— Beard Spice (@BeardSpice) January 4, 2015

[gameshow] Host: so, tell us a bit about yourself Me with my hand over my mic, whispering into host's ear: can the police see this?

— David Hughes (@david8hughes) January 4, 2015

I left my last boyfriend because he wouldn't stop counting. I often wonder what he's up to now.

— Kooch (@Koochykooh) January 4, 2015

okay okay let's turn this home back into a house, I think everyone's gotten a bit too comfortable

— Seth Simons (@sasimons) January 4, 2015

Warning! Bad guys can hack your bathroom mirror now, make sure the reflection is really you before you give them your banking details.

— MKupperman (@MKupperman) January 4, 2015

Me: Is there a place to get pizza around here? Girl who has been to Europe: I have been to Europe

— shut up, mike (@shutupmikeginn) January 5, 2015

Hell hath no fury like a SUPER HELL!!

— shelby fero (@shelbyfero) January 5, 2015

[baby wakes up in the middle night] "Go back to sleep, hun. I'll sort it out." [puts baby on eBay]

— David Hughes (@david8hughes) December 20, 2014

Yeah, blind people! What the hell? pic.twitter.com/QGRYRz85hA

— Batkaren (@batkaren) December 20, 2014

ya im sure being in the war was hard grandpa but sometimes when I buckle my seatbelt it's all twisty and not flat and I can't fix it

— ballin' ass furlin (@thefurlinator) December 21, 2014

Girl are you RadioShack because I don't know what you're still doing here

— Michael (@Home_Halfway) December 21, 2014

kicked out of church again for describing satan as "basically the Wario of bible times."

— lawblob (@lawblob) December 22, 2014

It sucks when you try to form a drug cartel but the existing drug cartel won't stop making fun of your Thundercats bedspread.

— David Hughes (@david8hughes) December 15, 2014

"I'm Too Lazy To Write A Novel" - a short story

— Eldge (@Sickayduh) December 15, 2014

Is Larry here yet? "Regular Larry or Larry Who Thinks His Name Is Bob?" wife: why did we invite Steve Who Thinks Everyone's Name Is Larry?

— dan mentos (@DanMentos) December 15, 2014

I've been planning all day what to do with the extra time I'm gonna save once I start using "K" instead of "OK" and I'm so so excited.

— Jake Up (@JakeSocial) December 15, 2014

95% of culinary school is learning how to make the flames big and swing the pan around, theres one class on soups and the rest is fire moves

— John V (@wettbutt) December 15, 2014

If I were Tom Hanks, I would pick a different house to have dinner in every night. Who wouldn't let him in?

— Ristolable (@Ristolable) December 16, 2014

[at the hedgehog store] "I need something that's willing to share a hedge."

— David Hughes (@david8hughes) December 12, 2014

I swear my girlfriend gets prettier and prettier every time I describe her to people who'll never meet her

— Eldge (@Sickayduh) December 12, 2014

"Two can play at this game." -Me describing a 2 player board game

— Michael Erhart (@Michael_Erhart) December 14, 2014

I like when the police say at the end of Scooby Doo "His scaring days are over." What're they gonna charge him with- aggravated scaring?

— MKupperman (@MKupperman) December 14, 2014

A pencil is just a pen that can't commit.

— Shari VanderWerf (@shariv67) December 15, 2014

I hate smalltalk but if you have candy at your desk I'll make an effort.

— Mike Primavera (@primawesome) December 8, 2014

People who voted for Joe Biden get awfully defensive when their intelligence is called into question.

— Popehat (@Popehat) December 8, 2014

I'm just a simple unfrozen caveman health care architect. Your modern ways frighten and confuse me.

— David Burge (@iowahawkblog) December 9, 2014

youre never gonna believe this but my cousin told me kids on the east coast actually call walky-jumpy-runny-gunnys "first person shooters??"

— KING RAINHEAD (@KingRainhead) December 9, 2014