Never trust atoms…
They make up everything.
— anti joke apple (@antijokeapple) December 7, 2014
If you think you can just cruise through life with a trained wolf and some knife throwing skills well that sounds about right.
— Ceej (@ceejoyner) December 7, 2014
Can't sleep. Clowns will eat me. (image via @CuffyMeh) pic.twitter.com/ggTuqFE3Xf
— Neil Stevens (@presjpolk) December 7, 2014
I invented the hot air balloon. I said, "USE COLD AIR," but they went another way.
— David Hughes (@david8hughes) December 4, 2014
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
— jomny sun (@jonnysun) December 4, 2014
And the kettle was all like, "that's our word."
— Burt Slorp (@Burtslorp) December 4, 2014
*hands GF present*
GF: You shouldnt have!
*opens it & its a poinsettia*
GF: This is poison to my cat
*quickly hides botany book*
Me: It is?
— Rad Kyle (@KyleMcDowell86) December 4, 2014
[ordering at coffee shop]
"I like my coffee like I like my women"
*looks around* So just a pastry?
— dan mentos (@DanMentos) December 3, 2014
***THE PURGE: AMERICAN COPS***
FOR JUST 365 NIGHTS A YEAR, MURDER IS LEGAL
— Fred Delicious (@Fred_Delicious) December 3, 2014
Lost my movie buff status when I said, "Oh, this is that movie where the guy plays chess with death like in Bill and Ted's Bogus Journey!"
— Emily Toffelmire (@klickitatstreet) December 4, 2014
The Christmas Story (1983) A schoolchild obsessed with obtaining a firearm violently assaults his neighborhood antagonist (children/holiday)
— Jason Miller (@longwall26) December 2, 2014
So as I understand it, Atticus Finch is now the bad guy in "To Kill A Mockingbird," because he doubted a story about rape.
— Instapundit.com (@instapundit) December 2, 2014
"When I was your age, I had to walk 10 miles, uphill both ways, to get to school!" My grandpa says, recalling his years at M.C. Escher High.
— Glenn (@justabloodygame) December 2, 2014
saw a couple kissing in public so I screamed STOP PRETENDING EVERYTHING ISN'T TERRIBLE
— Mary Charlene (@IamEnidColeslaw) December 2, 2014
Are we still pretending Terrence Howard's absence from "Iron Man 2" wasn't a Ferguson-worthy event?
— Uncle Dynamite (@UncleDynamite) December 2, 2014
The #StarWarsTrailer didn't mention the taxation of trade routes to outlying star systems. Probably didn't want to waste all the good bits.
— Damien Owens (@OwensDamien) November 28, 2014
I have stood on the shoulders of giants. "Stop it, you are hurting the giants, they are trying to sleep," people said. But I didn't care.
— Hedgehog Ninja (@werehedgehog) November 29, 2014
There's no way you'll ever convince me that folding underwear is an effective use of my time.
— Kalvin (@KalvinMacleod) November 30, 2014
*shoots hoops
*shoots breeze
*shoots for moon
*shoots fish in barrel
*shoots myself in foot
*shoots messenger
*is asked to leave gun club
— Mattniss Everdeen (@matt___nelson) November 30, 2014
I can't believe that Republican staffer criticized Sasha and Malia Obama. Reprehensible!
*Writes 25 tweets slamming Jaden & Willow Smith*
— Shari VanderWerf (@shariv67) December 1, 2014
Let's take a moment and remember the true origin of Cyber Monday: how Dr. Who bravely fought the Cybermen while telling us to stay indoors.
— Axe Cop (@AXECOP) December 1, 2014
I am looking forward to seeing Ultron sing "Let it Go".
— John Hodgman (@hodgman) October 23, 2014
Being a father is definitely the most important thing I will fail at in my life.
— Jim Gaffigan (@JimGaffigan) October 23, 2014
CNN: Wait till you see this hilarious video of a woman getting beaten up!
FEMINIST: That is the disgu…
CNN: It's a Palin!
FEMINIST: GREAT!
— John Podhoretz (@jpodhoretz) October 23, 2014
Writing an Avengers film must be 1% finding a story you like and 99% trying to make Captain America, Hawkeye and Black Widow seem necessary.
— Guy Endore-Kaiser (@GuyEndoreKaiser) October 23, 2014
Not to brag, but most of the problems it takes the Blues Clues an entire episode to solve, I can figure out in like 20 minutes.
— Rob Fee (@robfee) October 23, 2014
me:can I get a ride to the mall
murderer:sure
[later]
me:this isnt the mall
murderer:oh I thought u said a ride to the woods to get murdered
— slick (@fanofhell) October 23, 2014
Ways I'm Like a Cat:
1)Silent
2)Independent
3)Chases mice
4)Lick myself clean
5)Always stuck in trees
6)Speaks French
7)Screams at children
— Michael (@Home_Halfway) October 23, 2014
I don’t want to “win” the Internet, I want to defeat it.
— T. Becket Adams (@BecketAdams) October 23, 2014
I want my tombstone to be a mirror with the words "YOU'RE NEXT" scrawled across it
— Rich Lowtax Kyanka (@lowtax) October 23, 2014
I’m self-isolating at Red Lobster in Times Square.
— Brian Sack (@brian_sack) October 24, 2014
WIFE: He gets upset about ridiculous things
THERAPIST: Well perhaps–
ME [throws glass pitcher against the wall]: CARPET IS HOUSE GRASS
— Nice Hippo (@NicestHippo) October 21, 2014
The 1950s were horrifyingly conformist. And if you don't agree with this, you will be reported to the Associate Dean for Thoughtcrimes.
— David Burge (@iowahawkblog) October 22, 2014
Me:I hate going to the dentist
*4 out of 5 dentists burst into the room
YEAH WELL WE HATE U TOO
*5th dentist saunters in*
"I kinda like him"
— Rad Kyle (@KyleMcDowell86) October 22, 2014
Throwing a colleague under the bus may be ethically dubious, but it takes admirable physical skill.
— Bill Corbett (@BillCorbett) October 22, 2014
Really hassled at mall today. Recognized by everyone. Most wanted to know where to get "Wheel" t-shirt I was wearing.
— Pat Sajak (@patsajak) October 22, 2014
God was exhausted after he made a 24-hour period of time, based on the earth's rotation on its axis. "Phew, gonna call it a day," God said.
— Michael (@Home_Halfway) October 22, 2014
[Ouija Board]
"Is anyone out there?"
B U Y M O R E O U I J A B O A R D S
— dan mentos (@DanMentos) October 22, 2014
The new avengers trailer raises an important question: is there a single example of hulk buster armor ever busting the hulk?
— Adam Serwer (@AdamSerwer) October 23, 2014
What idiot called it U2 instead of W
— Spooky Nips (@StevieKnip) October 21, 2014
Dear girls, It is not cold in here. You’re just a girl.
— blopt (@blopt) October 21, 2014
me: goodnight moon :)
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars :)
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
— jomny sun (@jonnysun) October 21, 2014
If Renée Zelwegger felt insecure about her face, imagine how she'd feel about your face.
— Neal Brennan (@nealbrennan) October 21, 2014
"Honey, where's the _________?" – Men
— Tony (@Tmoney68) October 21, 2014
commercial for Twitter:
[footage of a man with a baseball bat ferociously beating a dead horse]
NARRATOR: Twitter.
— Ristolable (@Ristolable) October 21, 2014
I SEE A RED DOOR & I WANT IT PAINTED BLACK
no problem Mr Jagg-
NO COLORS ANY MORE I WANT THEM TO TURN BLACK
wait so like the whole house?
— dan mentos (@DanMentos) October 21, 2014
Just set up my iPhone with my AmEx card, so now I'm ready. But, I refuse to use their pig latin. I'm calling the system; "Papple." Join me!
— Penn Jillette (@pennjillette) October 22, 2014
"Your Honor, if it may please the court"
It may..
*does animal shadow puppets*
Yes it does
*sings*
NO THE COURT WANTS PUPPETS
*Judge cries*
— Michael (@Home_Halfway) October 20, 2014
Next Wendy Davis ad: Greg Abbott doesn't pay the Hispanic women who cooks and cleans for him!
— John Nolte (@NolteNC) October 20, 2014
"We have our own fuel now, from the corn!" —Malachi, predicting decades of crappy, crony energy policy in "The Children of the Corn"
— Mary Katharine Ham (@mkhammer) October 20, 2014
one good thing about technology is now whenever youre losing an argument you can just shine your phone flashlight in the other person's eyes
— John V (@wettbutt) October 20, 2014
I never read the forewords of books because that wasn't part of the deal
— Andy Richter (@AndyRichter) October 21, 2014
What didn't kill me gave me anger.
— Good Noodles (@Jenny4ashley) October 17, 2014
The only thing that can stop Ebola is a black and white video of celebrities looking at the camera and solemnly saying "Stop Ebola".
— Mark Leggett (@markleggett) October 17, 2014
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying "Technically we're already in space?"
— Nice Hippo (@NicestHippo) October 18, 2014
Why waste money on a Halloween costume when there's a perfectly good skeleton inside of you?
— UNTRESOR (@UNTRESOR) October 18, 2014
My source about whether Ebola is a threat or not is not a pathological liar that told us over 30x we could keep our doctor.
— Jack (@BennyKubelsky) October 15, 2014
Anytime I think I'm a good guy, I remind myself that I once made my wife cry because I got unreasonably angry in a discussion about a table.
— Gavin Speiller (@gavinspeiller) October 16, 2014
Check Your Privilege, Charlie Brown. #rejectedpeanutsspecials
— Popehat (@Popehat) October 16, 2014
A $2500 computer that's supposed to sit in one place is so nineteen ninety-something.
— etherbrian (@etherbrian) October 16, 2014
is thursday too late to ask how someone's weekend was?
— chris (@BassoonJokes) October 16, 2014
I come from a long line of people waiting at Chipotle.
— Danny Charnley (@DanKCharnley) October 16, 2014
Why would you name a kid ‘Aiden’ when ‘Wolfgang’ is available?
— Pony Starwars (@tigersgoroooar) October 16, 2014
dad: war is good
me: [smirking as I think about my recent political science college courses] uh no. war is bad
— slick (@fanofhell) October 14, 2014
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
"why isn't he wearing a shirt"
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
— Brent (@murrman5) October 14, 2014
*walks into boat store*
any sails?
— hippieswordfish (@hippieswordfish) October 15, 2014
"I'm gonna level with you" ~ A demolition crew prioritizing teamwork
— Michael (@Home_Halfway) October 15, 2014
REGIS: who wants to be a millionaire?
BILLIONAIRE: not me. that would suck haha
— slick (@fanofhell) October 15, 2014
CASHIER: "Did you find everything you were looking for?"
ME: "Oh, yes…" [places "How To Murder A Cashier" book on counter]
— Matt Roller (@rolldiggity) October 15, 2014
[Interview]
BOSS: What is your biggest weakness?
ME: I hate follow up questions
BOSS: and your biggest strength?
ME: *flips desk*
— Fashion josh (@verycozy) October 10, 2014
Sarah Palin's family was involved in a brawl at a party in Alaska, according to eyewitnesses in Russia.
— Comedy Central (@ComedyCentral) October 10, 2014
Sweet dreams are made of cheese.
Who am I to dis a Brie?
— RUTH BUZZI (@Ruth_A_Buzzi) October 10, 2014
American Horror Story: Gluten
— Shari VanderWerf (@shariv67) October 11, 2014
Way to buy pre-sliced apples, psychopath
— Jason Miller (@longwall26) October 11, 2014
GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE IN THAT MOVIE JIM CAREY PLAYED A LIAR
— Haunted Tree (@sad_tree) October 11, 2014
*kicks motorcycle over* long live horses!
— philippe iujvidin (@philyuck) October 11, 2014
37 different genders. 1 health care option. Liberalism.
— Antonio Martinez (@djtechchicago) October 12, 2014
CATS: We got a lifetime of naps and belly rubs. What about you?
HUMANS: Superior intellect
C: Cool what's it for?
H: Math and feeling bad
— Nice Hippo (@NicestHippo) September 21, 2014
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim's nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he's disappeared again.
— Hoppers (@FrogAvalanche) August 30, 2014
what's on your back?
"a katana"
what?
"it's a japanese sword used…you know what *takes back résumé* I don't think I wanna work here"
— Brent (@murrman5) October 8, 2014
I didn't even know there was a blood moon last night until now. Mostly because I'm not a witch trying to perform a ritual.
— Matt Fernandez (@FattMernandez) October 8, 2014
I don't obey stop signs. How am I supposed to read and drive? Totally unsafe.
— Ristolable (@Ristolable) October 8, 2014
Not sure how this thought process works: “Let’s get Jon Stewart to host our show!” “He won’t do it.” “Okay then, Chuck Todd.”
— Allahpundit (@allahpundit) October 8, 2014
AMC renews Walking Dead for a sixth season in hopes something will happen.
— Sean Gabay (@ixSEANxi) October 7, 2014
Update. Still can't use more than one exclamation point without feeling like Animal from The Muppets.
— Don Nichols (@TheDairylandDon) October 7, 2014
Celeb sighting in my house: the fly from that episode of Breaking Bad.
— Bill Corbett (@BillCorbett) October 7, 2014
It's the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,
— Reverend Scott (@Reverend_Scott) October 7, 2014
I was gonna watch the new CW superhero show on my iPad tonight but it won't play Flash #lol #ff
— andy levy (@andylevy) October 7, 2014
*Batman voice*
I'm Batman
Yeah, I can tell by the voice
*Batman voice*
Thanks. I work really hard on my branding
*breaks felon's spine*
— Mad Dr. Whom (@chapel3929) October 8, 2014