*goes to jail* "Here is your cell phone. You get one call" *uses it to tweet 'in jail lol'*

— luke (@internetluke) October 5, 2014

*stares wistfully at picture of a dog on friend's mantel* <sigh> "I used to have a picture of a dog."

— T-O-M (@TomItUp) October 5, 2014

Cop: License and registration please, ma'am. Me: Have I aged a lot since this photo was taken? Cop: Watch your speed, miss. Have a nice day.

— Vodka n Tots (@Vodkantots) October 6, 2014

Back off, I have homemade pepper spray. If you don't leave, I'll have to ask you to put your face in this bowl

— sweaty five dollars (@iscoff) October 6, 2014

One day John Oliver really is going to "literally eviscerate" someone and no one will know cause we all thought it was clickbait.

— Alan ''Noble'' (@TheAlanNoble) October 6, 2014

DOCTOR: you should have checked your breasts for lumps FERGIE: lovely lady lumps? DOCTOR: you are going to die

— Fashion josh (@verycozy) October 6, 2014

"We need to videotape this": How creepy men are abusing affirmative consent

— Salon (@Salondotcom) October 7, 2014

Honey, I Shrunk the Kids and also I have a secret second family but I'm hoping you'll focus on the kids thing

— Sean Thomason (@TheThomason) October 4, 2014

oh you used a comma in a text. didn't know I was chatting with the queen

— Brent (@murrman5) October 4, 2014

The older I get, the less Willy Wonka's borderline personality disorder is offset by free candy.

— Sarah Thyre (@SarahThyre) October 4, 2014

[blind date] OK don't let her know you're a remote control "Your eyes are beau- *sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks* DAMMIT NOT AGAIN

— Thoughtter (@ThoughtOtter) September 29, 2014

No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch

— Brian Essbe (@SortaBad) September 29, 2014

Technically any amount of pizza is a piece of pizza

— Muski Lozenj (@LostCatDog) September 29, 2014

Your shoes? I’m not even interested in walking a mile in my own shoes.

— Joshua Malina (@JoshMalina) September 29, 2014

No no no. The frankenstein monster is a scientist. The frankenstein monster monster is the monster. Read a book.

— dead jonnifer (@senderblock23) September 30, 2014

theory: Mr. Peabody is actually a future dog-shaped regeneration of Doctor Who

— iLoveScienceSexually (@AceofSpadesHQ) September 30, 2014

Dang girl are you the police on Grand Theft Auto, because 2 minutes after I leave you forget all about me & move on to someone else.

— Rob Fee (@robfee) October 1, 2014

The best part of having Ebola is all the ice cream they let you eat in quarantine.

— Gavin Speiller (@gavinspeiller) October 2, 2014

say what you will about silent films, it was a Golden Era for screenwriters who wanted to name their characters The Girl and Man With Hat

— Mallory Ortberg (@mallelis) September 26, 2014

poor person: These are my daughters Mercedes and Porsche rich person: There are my sons Ford and Chevy

— dan mentos (@DanMentos) September 26, 2014

Journalism is about covering important stories. With a pillow, until they stop moving.

— David Burge (@iowahawkblog) September 26, 2014

Eric Holder was to justice as Kathleen Sebelius was to web design.

— Chris Stigall (@ChrisStigall) September 25, 2014

Can I be excused from forgery class, sir? I’ve got a note from my mum, Marie Antoinette.

— Damien Owens (@OwensDamien) September 25, 2014

Gavin is my name and Freudian slips are my sex with mommy.

— Gavin Speiller (@gavinspeiller) September 25, 2014

Having two little girls feels like being an extra in a long-running soap called ‘She Pushed Me’.

— Damien Owens (@OwensDamien) September 25, 2014

The New Adventures of Old Christine: Watch a car run over and murder completely new people in this Stephen King reboot, this Fall on FOX!

— Michael (@Home_Halfway) September 23, 2014

True Detective Season 4 will feature Eddie Murphy and Eddie Murphy

— Political Math (@politicalmath) September 23, 2014

I don't want to "out her," but I'm pretty certain this woman I'm dating is a lesbian.

— Strawberry Lane (@SondraDeeMe) September 23, 2014

Obama saluted a Marine with a Starbucks cup. The Marine wasn't offended & saluted the cup back, relieved to finally salute something strong.

— WH Press Secretary (@weknowwhatsbest) September 24, 2014

The 186th greatest trick the devil ever pulled was getting us to pay orchards so we can pick our own apples.

— Tim Siedell (@badbanana) September 24, 2014

Welp, I guess the cat's out of the bag. I bag cats.

— Josh Patten (@thejoshpatten) September 24, 2014

[Commercial for art] "Staring at this wall is so boring." *someone hangs up a painting* "This is slightly less boring."

— Tommytoughstuff (@Tommytoughstuff) September 25, 2014

I was punching him ironically, your honor. "Ironically?" Yeah, I did air quotes after each punch. It's not my fault he's so literal.

— Dan O'Brien (@OtherDanOBrien) September 22, 2014

I say that I want horns to do battle with my enemies but I'd probably just keep donuts up there.

— Post-Culture Review (@PostCultRev) September 22, 2014

As a M&M falls, germs ready for attack "Not yet! You know the rule!" cries one 1-2-3-4- the M&M is picked up They'll go hungry another day

— Br&on the Cow (@Brampersandon_) September 22, 2014

"Frodo what is that?" "Some sort of insect…?" "It has lots of eyes!" "I think it's a.." *Gandalf runs in, out of breath* "FLY YOU FOOLS!"

— Michael (@Home_Halfway) September 22, 2014

Seeing candy corn flavored food items everywhere. Folks, candy corn barely works as a flavor for candy corn.

— Tim Siedell (@badbanana) September 22, 2014

[Hippo on psychiatrist's couch] "I can't even remember the last time I ate cuz I was hungry hungry. I mostly eat cuz I'm anxious anxious."

— Dan O'Brien (@OtherDanOBrien) September 19, 2014

I’m not going to stand here and tell you how to live your life. I’m going to pull up a chair, straddle it backwards, then tell you.

— Shari VanderWerf (@shariv67) September 19, 2014

I'd just like to give a shout out to all the people who are too far away to hear me talking normally.

— Glenn (@justabloodygame) September 19, 2014

Why, yes, I have heard Disney's Frozen, little girl, but that's a myth. He was cremated.

— missingblakes (@missingblakes) September 19, 2014

My boy is 5 years old now, time for him to learn about Freddy Krueger

— Michael Kupperman (@MKupperman) September 21, 2014

When it comes to sculptures of people my attitude is "full body or bust."

— Josh Gondelman (@joshgondelman) September 18, 2014

Morgan Freeman: What if we could use 100% of our brains… *cut to Joe Biden trying to wear two hats at the same time* Barry! I need help!

— FLOOD-MAN (@tuckerflodman) September 18, 2014

Life Hack: A valet is also a babysitter if you run away before he sees the backseat.

— Matt Roller (@rolldiggity) September 18, 2014

If Scotland leaves the UK, what's to stop England from leaving too

— Froghammer (@froghammer) September 18, 2014

"Baby's Breath" is a weird name for a flower and a weirder thing to see written on an empty jar.

— Josh Gondelman (@joshgondelman) September 18, 2014

"It's a really long story about a bunch of heroic Danny DeVitos reclaiming a cave." – pitch for Hobbit movies

— Andy Richter (@AndyRichter) September 19, 2014

"If anyone needs me, I'll be out in blue face paint mooning some Englishmen." "That's one way to support the referendum!" "Referwhatnow?"

— Will Antonin (@Will_Antonin) September 19, 2014

If you beat a guy half to death twice is that murder?

— Jazmasta (@jazmasta) September 19, 2014

A new report says STDs are running rampant in areas controlled by ISIS, so you might want to consider other spring break destinations.

— Tim Siedell (@badbanana) September 17, 2014

I'm the Johnny Appleseed of putting little tiny beer bottles in dead squirrels' paws.

— buck turdgeson (@Rason_Meese) September 17, 2014

Beer before liquor, never been sicker. Liquor before xanex, how did we end up in Des Moines?

— Rob Fee (@robfee) September 17, 2014

I'm guessing an independent Scotland will be sort of a drunker version of North Korea. #KimJongMcGill

— David Burge (@iowahawkblog) September 17, 2014

One takeaway from the Dirty Harry movies is that everyone except Harry listens to NPR.

— Uncle Dynamite (@UncleDynamite) September 16, 2014

What do Neil deGrasse Tyson and Atoms have in common? They make everything up.

— Mark Hemingway (@Heminator) September 16, 2014

To Do: 1) Get laughed at by those fools at the academy 2) Show them all

— Sean Thomason (@TheThomason) September 17, 2014

my dog is really good at guarding me against the sound of leaves rustling and distant honking

— Churlish (@Cryptoterra) September 17, 2014

Ever since I gave up fantasy football I can watch the NFL the way it's meant to watched: with gigantic ethical qualms.

— Josh Patten (@thejoshpatten) September 14, 2014

“Grandpa what was it like in the old days?" Well kid, microwaves didn't have an "add 30 seconds" button *kid is just bawling uncontrollably*

— dan mentos (@DanMentos) September 15, 2014

Baby Detective sized up the witness. He knew how to get him to talk. "Bah?" he asked. "Da bah?" "Yes," the man smiled, "that's a ball."

— Surprise! Pinky (@HiddenPinky) September 15, 2014

Just pantsed this nerd so hard right in the middle of the street. Being a crossing guard is fun but also rewarding work

— Orenthal J Simpkinsn (@jsaffle1) September 15, 2014

Fired from the bank because, "I mean he looked like a Dave" is not a valid form of ID.

— Barndog (@BarndogKarck) September 15, 2014

I'll tell you this much: if I'm gonna pay $129 for a sweatshirt, that damn we'll better be real hippie blood on it

— David Burge (@iowahawkblog) September 15, 2014

"Now get out there and hit those guys like they're women and children!" – NFL locker room halftime speech

— Damien Fahey (@DamienFahey) September 15, 2014

American Ninja Warrior: USA vs The World is on NBC tonight! I can’t decide who to root for. I’m from both of those places.

— Ellen DeGeneres (@TheEllenShow) September 15, 2014

[Apple meeting] We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan. "How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday's technology at tomorrow's prices." Too honest, Carl.

— Reverend Scott (@Reverend_Scott) September 10, 2014

In case you questioned how brave I am, I fell off the couch when I woke up from a nap because I thought my hoodie string was a snake.

— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 11, 2014

If a gang attacks U say you're on their side & U brought them "gang supplies". They'll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away

— George Wallace (@MrGeorgeWallace) September 11, 2014

Bugs Bunny is super annoying and he's still the world's most tolerable vegan.

— Brian Essbe (@SortaBad) September 11, 2014

I hope I'm important enough someday to answer the phone with, "Talk to me"

— Nikki Walter (@TurboGrandma) September 11, 2014

You wouldn't like the Hulk when he gets angry because he just goes off on political rants and gets a lot of key facts wrong. It's just awful

— Michael (@Home_Halfway) September 9, 2014

i hate when i feel like a date is going really well only to realize that my date has actually been on a date with someone behind me

— slick (@fanofhell) September 9, 2014

apple: "we're excited to annou-" I'll buy it. apple: "just lemme fini-" just. i'll buy it. i said i'll buy it.

— David (@davidlorr) September 9, 2014

An iWatch! At last, something other than a phone to look at while my life passes by unnoticed.

— Tim Siedell (@badbanana) September 9, 2014

I never give money to Doctors Without Borders because they're just going to spend it on drugs.

— Shari VanderWerf (@shariv67) September 9, 2014

wow i haven't seen people make this much fun of an apple product since that silly iPad thing first came out

— andy levy (@andylevy) September 9, 2014

According to the presentation, Apple Watch lets you listen to Coldplay, walk to Whole Foods, and be a cartoon stereotype of a white person.

— Joseph Scrimshaw (@JosephScrimshaw) September 9, 2014

I'm holding out for the Apple Fedora.

— Gabriel Snyder (@gabrielsnyder) September 9, 2014

Top three things smart husbands say 1) 2) 3)

— Maderchaud (@mahatmatweeter) September 9, 2014

I hear the Apple Watch can tell precisely how many seconds it's been since your last meaningful interaction with a real human!

— Stephen Colbert (@StephenAtHome) September 10, 2014

Being fired months after your team already knew you knocked your fiancé unconscious? That's so Ravens.

— Travon Free (@Travon) September 8, 2014

Goodell suspending Ray Rice after the Ravens cut him is like whispering "yeah, you better run" five minutes after someone leaves a fight.

— Guy Endore-Kaiser (@GuyEndoreKaiser) September 8, 2014

How about: If Ray Rice continues to treat women like that, they'll make him an honorary Kennedy.

— Jonah Goldberg (@JonahNRO) September 8, 2014

You may have the last laugh now, but we'll continue this discussion later when Im alone in my car pretending to be a stupider version of you

— Mike F (@animaldrumss) September 8, 2014

.@Pharrell it's a courtyard. a room without a roof is a courtyard. idiot,

— Sean, From On Line (@asimplesean) September 8, 2014

I once met a nice German girl who didn't know the word for foal so she said "horse puppy" instead

— keri (@joanofdarkness) September 8, 2014

To avoid conversing with an elderly man on the train, I take off my shoe and talk into it like a telephone.

— David Hughes (@david8hughes) September 8, 2014

what if the new royal baby was born wearing sunglasses. that would be one sure sign that this royal baby is playing a whole new ballgame

— Horton (@crushingbort) September 9, 2014