My students were told to bring in their favorite Pixar movie today but none of them showed Up 🙁

— Michael (@Home_Halfway) September 5, 2014

I will not rest until I find the guy that stole my bed.

— Daniel Carrillo (@DanielRCarrillo) September 5, 2014

My "I Love Irony" t-shirt IS ironic. I hate irony. Duh.

— Derek Lawler (@RowdyBowden) September 5, 2014

"What were my favorite memories," said an elderly 007, "Spending time with my dad. I'll always miss that bonding," 007 wept,"James bonding."

— Daniel Carrillo (@DanielRCarrillo) September 6, 2014

I finally wrote an e-book. That was hard. Next time, I'm going to use all the vowels.

— Damon Hunzeker (@DamonHunzeker) September 1, 2014

Facebook has this creepy new feature where anyone you've ever known from your distant past can contact you.

— protolalia (@protolalia) August 31, 2014

pretty interesting how "radical" and "extreme" are adjectives we use to describe murderous theocrats and also skateboarders

— Josh Fruhlinger (@jfruh) September 4, 2014

"Anything to drink?" Sure I'll have a Pepsi "Is Pepsi o- wait, what?"

— dan mentos (@DanMentos) September 5, 2014

"Ok, everyone here? Where's Stevens?" "The hyenas, sir… they got him" "….ok you mean like he's dead or like he's 'one of them' now?"

— Xzibit (@notxzibit) September 3, 2014

What separates man from the animals? Often, it’s just a simple fence. Hop over it and bingo! Free animals.

— Damien Owens (@OwensDamien) September 3, 2014

I'm trying to kick dairy and now I've got the milk shakes

— Squatchy (@Purpell_Nurpell) September 3, 2014

Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he's losing at Risk.

— Bucky Isotope (@BuckyIsotope) September 3, 2014

I used to think puns were the lowest form of humor, but now I know it's making fun of typos.

— Paul F. Tompkins (@PFTompkins) September 4, 2014

Sometimes when I listen to Miles Davis I think I'm hearing Charlie Brown's teacher having a panic attack

— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) September 4, 2014

i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it

— KING RAINHEAD (@KingRainhead) July 10, 2013

"No thanks, I'm vegetarian" is a fun thing to say when someone tries to hand you their baby. 

— Tyler Schmall (@tylerschmall) August 19, 2012

Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I'm describing him.

— Michael (@Home_Halfway) February 9, 2014

WHISTLING POPULAR SONGS IS KILLING THE DIGITAL MUSIC DOWNLOAD INDUSTRY

— etherbrian (@etherbrian) September 2, 2014

Nothing says "high-functioning alcoholic" like being really good at darts.

— Tim Siedell (@badbanana) September 2, 2014

Don't believe what you're hearing about me being a great skeptic

— shanrath (@skylerhanrath) September 2, 2014

🙂 = smiley face (: = smiley face if you're a weirdo

— The Sportz Lobster (@AdamTheLobster) September 2, 2014

If you can't afford to go to Oxford you can always go to Cowchevrolet instead

— a. spaceman (@adamrensch) September 3, 2014

Wait, what’s “competitive shooting?” I always thought that was just called “war."

— Aaron Burdette (@AaronBurdette) August 29, 2014

As you can see from my résumé, I know how to make those little line things over the e’s.

— Bryan Donaldson (@TheNardvark) August 29, 2014

"That dress looks amazing on you!!" says Pinocchio, holding a hacksaw behind his back

— Brian Gaar (@briangaar) August 30, 2014

If you conduct more than one transaction at the ATM, you are a monster.

— Michael Ian Black (@michaelianblack) August 30, 2014

Sometimes my girlfriend will ask me to set the table & I have to remind her that because of my judo training we don't have a table anymore.

— David Hughes (@david8hughes) August 30, 2014

I'm the decorative hand towel of people: charming but utterly useless.

— Allegory of the Dave (@Chandiggity) August 30, 2014

Being an adult is basically that feeling when the fireworks are over and it's time to go home, but all the time.

— patrick (@tastefactory) August 31, 2014

*chasing raccoon* "go! get! no one likes you! my wife is right *clutches tiny sweater I made for him and fights tears* you'd be a gross pet"

— Brent (@murrman5) August 31, 2014

The dentist stabs you in the heart with one of his tools. The walls are painted red. "You're bleeding because you don't floss enough"

— I Am Quetzalcoatlus (@Beesthegame) September 1, 2014

If Jennifer Lawrence really wanted to keep her photos from ever being seen, she should've stored them with Lois Lerner's emails.

— Razor (@hale_razor) September 1, 2014

Live by too many swords, get featured on Hoarders

— Michael Kupperman (@MKupperman) September 1, 2014

Really, babe? Too immature to commit? Then why'd I write our names in that public bathroom with Sharpie, the most permanent marker there is?

— Matt McElaney (@MattMcElaney) September 2, 2014

Domestic violence now comes with a 6 game suspension in the NFL as opposed to their old policy, moving the ball to the spot of the foul.

— Travon Free (@Travon) August 28, 2014

Putin's gonna be so embarrassed when he finds out he's on the wrong side of history.

— jon gabriel (@exjon) August 28, 2014

Empty suits – now available in khaki

— David Burge (@iowahawkblog) August 28, 2014

burger king is really more of a figurehead. burger prime minister handles most of the day-to-day governing.

— blaine capatch (@blainecapatch) August 27, 2014

After his family is brutally murdered by the mob, this former SEAL will stop at nothing to find a new family, one that loves him very much

— Horton (@crushingbort) August 27, 2014

What's the etiquette on co-worker hellos? If I say hi in the morning, is it OK to avoid eye contact later that day and for the rest of time?

— Dan O'Brien (@OtherDanOBrien) August 27, 2014

*Walks into friend's house* *Phone announces "Now arriving at Jennifer (the dumb one)'s house"* Haha, sorry! I know a lot of Jennifers.

— Elle (@ElleOhHell) August 27, 2014

A-little BAYbay! Hi I'm Dave Matthews Band here to talk to you about low birth weight.

— Tom (@Tom_Vom) August 27, 2014

Sometimes the most renegade thing you can do is play by the rules. *pulls money out from under Free Parking and replaces it in Monopoly box*

— Josh Gondelman (@joshgondelman) August 27, 2014

Murder tip: shoot a guy building a snowman then plant the gun on the snowman.

— Nathan Buckley (@duplicitron) August 28, 2014

Can't believe David Chase finally revealed Tony Soprano isn't a cat.

— Sean Thomason (@TheThomason) August 28, 2014

Liam Neeson may spend the rest of his career telling bad guys what he's gonna do to them.

— Alec Sulkin (@thesulk) August 25, 2014

Four score and seven years ago, I connected with you and endorsed you for sales and marketing. – Abraham LinkedIn

— Tim (@Playing_Dad) August 26, 2014

Hey, Sean Bean, it's either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can't have it both ways.

— Patrick Brennan (@Pat_Bren) August 26, 2014

If Beyoncé has taught us anything, it's that strip clubs need 10' tall "FEMINIST" signs

— David Burge (@iowahawkblog) August 26, 2014

Remember kids, stay in school. Stay away from the doors. Don't even look out the windows. The real world is scary, school is safe.

— Thynebear (@Thynebear) August 26, 2014

*takes a sample at Costco* And what is this fine confection? "Or-e-o," you say? Delightful, I'll take an even dozen!

— Gulo gulo gulo (@Howiesbookclub) August 22, 2014

How much for this talking dragon? "That's my toddler." Hmm sounds expensive. When do its talons develop? I have a moat to defend.

— Carly Danger (@carlyken) August 23, 2014

"I left your tuxedo in your closet, Mr. Phoenix" "My what closet?" *butler sighs, completely tired of living* "Your Joaquin closet, sir"

— THE NATEWOLF (@thenatewolf) August 23, 2014

Interviewer:it says here on your resume that you don't have a ponytail Me: yes it does Interviewer: but you do have a ponytail Me: yes I do

— slick (@fanofhell) August 24, 2014

Sorry, Babe, it's over. *I get on my motorcycle but I can't get it to start so I use my feet to scoot away*

— THE NATEWOLF (@thenatewolf) August 24, 2014

The safest place to be during an earthquake is inside a shark's mouth.

— Shari VanderWerf (@shariv67) August 24, 2014

It was called housemade bread until someone baked it with love

— Brent (@murrman5) August 21, 2014

Welcome to Irony School. first lesson: 9/11 *I raise my hand* "It was an…outside job" wow that's good you can graduate right now.

— sadvil (@crylenol) August 21, 2014

Global warming killed my popsicle.

— etherbrian (@etherbrian) August 21, 2014

THIS guy gets it! *gestures to the black cloud overhead blotting out the sun*

— D̶a̶v̶i̶d̶ (@Dee_Aye_Bee) August 21, 2014

*drives your car off the road into a lake* Parkour?

— Bucky Isotope (@BuckyIsotope) August 22, 2014

[big final action movie fight scene] *good guy lands a blow* Bad guy: ouch jeez OW ok, stop. That smarts. I'm no longer bad.

— Dan Polish Last Name (@danjan13) August 22, 2014

With all due respect Western journalists, I'd wager ISIS has a much better understanding of the "true meaning of Islam" than you do.

— David Burge (@iowahawkblog) August 20, 2014

He died doing what he loved: sudoku puzzles. He was one of our best pilots

— dan mentos (@DanMentos) August 20, 2014

"There's cake in the conference room" would be a really mean way to announce that there's a Cake concert in the conference room.

— Chase Mitchell (@ChaseMit) August 20, 2014

Don't jump to conclusions about Islam because of a beheading. It's not like they're cops.

— Anthony Bialy (@AnthonyBialy) August 20, 2014

"Do you know how fast you were going sir?" "Um..88mph?" "What makes you say that?" Because I'm driving a a Delorean. Also you're a dinosaur.

— GoaT FacE ThrillA (@EndhooS) August 19, 2014

My wife is making me do the ice bucket challenge but I'm a little confused as I've watched other videos & no one else has to hold a toaster.

— Brian Hope (@Brianhopecomedy) August 19, 2014

If you'll eat things dipped in that Golden Corral Chocolate Wonderfall, this Ebola thing shouldn't scare you very much.

— ☯Grεg☯ (@absolutemeh) August 19, 2014

Uh, I was not born ready. None of us were. Babies are inherently unprepared for everything, ESPECIALLY this bank heist. Anyway, let's roll.

— Chris Worthington (@SomeChrisTweets) August 19, 2014

No, no, no, you don't have to engage in a long explanation of why you're single. We've spent five minutes together, I think I've got it.

— Jake Vig (@Jake_Vig) August 19, 2014

(commercial for eggs) *places tiny backwards hat on an egg* Narrator: "Eggs"

— jonnifer lopez (@senderblock23) August 16, 2014

"Let's name him after that sassy waitress from the diner where we met" -Val Kilmer's parents, probably

— dan mentos (@DanMentos) August 18, 2014

Patient coming out of 45-year coma: what's the latest news? Doctor: Nixon's talking about the race riots. Patient: put me back in the coma.

— David Burge (@iowahawkblog) August 18, 2014

Although the Ferguson protests are painful now, just keep in mind that at the end of them, we will have perfect racial harmony.

— Michael Ian Black (@michaelianblack) August 19, 2014

"I don't see race." -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event

— Jerm Himselfish (@JermHimselfish) August 19, 2014

ＦＯＵＮＤ 1 LOST ROCK ＤＥＳＣＲＩＰＴＩＯＮ -IS GREY -DOESNT SAY MUCH -ROLLS AROUND A LOT -HAS A TAIL -MAY BE A CAT IDK

— Death Buddy (@Death_Buddy) August 15, 2014

Judge: Will the defendant pls stand *stands* Judge: Dude I didn't say Simon says, u know what that means? "Death-" Judge: DEATH PENALTY

— Rad Kyle (@KyleMcDowell86) August 16, 2014

Rosemary Lehmberg's blood type is Sangria

— iLoveScienceSexually (@AceofSpadesHQ) August 16, 2014

why dudes should not have a ponytail: imagine a guy saying “help my ponytail is caught in some huge machinery gears!” would you help him? no

— jon hendren (@fart) August 16, 2014

I understand why Rosemary Lehmberg went to law school. Somebody told her she'd get lifetime bar privileges, and she couldn't say no to that.

— Sean Davis (@seanmdav) August 16, 2014

I'm a social drinker. In other words, I don't drink.

— Tim Siedell (@badbanana) August 17, 2014

I heard you like bad girls. *eats tub of expired cottage cheese*

— Shari VanderWerf (@shariv67) August 17, 2014

Washington is full of people who believe police need to have tanks and Marines need to have arrest warrants.

— David Burge (@iowahawkblog) August 14, 2014

If you feel the need to tell people you're nonpartisan, you're partisan.

— Jim Treacher (@jtLOL) August 14, 2014

Babies are allowed to drink alcohol right? Asking for a friend. Who is a baby. Who I gave alcohol to

— Lazy Joe (@lazy_joe_) August 14, 2014

When all the urinals are full and you go stand in a stall to pee, do you close the door or not? Both ways feel wrong, honestly.

— Ken Jennings (@KenJennings) August 15, 2014