(commercial for eggs)
*places tiny backwards hat on an egg*
Narrator: "Eggs"
— jonnifer lopez (@senderblock23) August 16, 2014
"Let's name him after that sassy waitress from the diner where we met" -Val Kilmer's parents, probably
— dan mentos (@DanMentos) August 18, 2014
Patient coming out of 45-year coma: what's the latest news?
Doctor: Nixon's talking about the race riots.
Patient: put me back in the coma.
— David Burge (@iowahawkblog) August 18, 2014
Although the Ferguson protests are painful now, just keep in mind that at the end of them, we will have perfect racial harmony.
— Michael Ian Black (@michaelianblack) August 19, 2014
"I don't see race." -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
— Jerm Himselfish (@JermHimselfish) August 19, 2014
as a Russian guy who frequents Nascar events I’d like to point out that the back row is actually the best (and usually the most expensive) place from which to watch the race.
The only thing I know about the situation in Missouri is that if I was the CEO of the Swisher Sweets cigar company I’d be suing the s**t out of everyone who refered to my product on national TV as cheap cigars.
Swisher Sweets lost all shame when they started selling Grape Flavored Cigars.