Conservative humor isn’t funny because we’re always picking on weaker, oppressed groups like the president and the government.

I’m awfully clever. I should probably mention that in my bio so people know.

The Republican Party doesn’t win whites by making racial appeals as much as the Democrats lose whites by making racial appeals.

Whites have a bad history with racial appeals.

If racism were to suddenly disappear tomorrow, it’s not the Republican Party that would be hurt.

It’s my job as a journalist to afflict the comfortable, which is why I’m always getting thrown out of the La-Z-Boy showroom.

It’s not my job as a journalist to report the facts. Or at least, I don’t do that. I might not be a journalist.

Always be suspicious if anyone you meet in real life as there are no blue check marks there.

I want to be lectured about science and rationality by people who honestly thought Occupy Wall Street was going to amount to something.

If you were ever an enthusiastic Obama supporter, you’ve given up pretending you care about evidence.

Obama 2009: “I promise that not every one in this country will die from Ebola.” All of his promises have an expiration date.

iPhones make it so much easier/ironic to complain to the world about capitalism.

It’s time to admit that the right and left are each right about some things, and moderates are right about nothing and are just annoying.

If there were people in Texas launching thousands of rockets at Mexico, we’d probably put a stop to that.

Summer Bank Holiday? So in UK, don’t even bother trying to justify a holiday? They just go, “Banks are closed!”

What’s so hard about working at a bank that they need all these holidays? If you need to blow off some steam, just roll around in the money.

If you don’t feel 100% today, it’s probably Ebola.