*takes a sample at Costco*
And what is this fine confection?
"Or-e-o," you say?
Delightful, I'll take an even dozen!
— Gulo gulo gulo (@Howiesbookclub) August 22, 2014
How much for this talking dragon?
"That's my toddler."
Hmm sounds expensive. When do its talons develop? I have a moat to defend.
— Carly Danger (@carlyken) August 23, 2014
"I left your tuxedo in your closet, Mr. Phoenix"
"My what closet?"
*butler sighs, completely tired of living*
"Your Joaquin closet, sir"
— THE NATEWOLF (@thenatewolf) August 23, 2014
Interviewer:it says here on your resume that you don't have a ponytail
Me: yes it does
Interviewer: but you do have a ponytail
Me: yes I do
— slick (@fanofhell) August 24, 2014
Sorry, Babe, it's over.
*I get on my motorcycle but I can't get it to start so I use my feet to scoot away*
— THE NATEWOLF (@thenatewolf) August 24, 2014
The safest place to be during an earthquake is inside a shark's mouth.
— Shari VanderWerf (@shariv67) August 24, 2014
It must suck to live in California. After a major earthquake people find they and their property have survived in one piece, only to remember they still live in California seconds later.
Shark-Quake-Nado!
Frank, did you just pick these at random or did you search to find tweets that were definitely not funny?
Well, funny is in the eye of the b…. Holder.