I leave the Mario Kart time trial screen up on my tv when babes come over so they know exactly what they are getting themselves into

— Cool Eric (@OBiiieeee) August 13, 2014

"Nobody will ever believe you," the mailman whispers as he bites Jak's tail. The poor dog is defenseless from the mailman's vicious attacks.

— Randrew (@ranndrew) August 13, 2014

"DON'T MOVE!" – bank robber or lonely neighbor

— patrick (@tastefactory) August 13, 2014

the average person is 65% water. imagine what she could do with 100%

— kynes (@orangejuice_inc) August 13, 2014

"This is madness!" says the Persian ambassador. "Madness?" I reply "This..is..Berkshire!" I shout, kicking him into a tearoom.

— Joe West (@joejwest) August 13, 2014

What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates: 1. Nice shirt. 2. Wow. A second nice shirt. 3. Okay, first shirt again. 4. He has two shirts.

— Ristolable (@Ristolable) August 13, 2014

Filming the Police can get you arrested. At least that's what Sting screamed at me in 1985.

— etherbrian (@etherbrian) August 14, 2014

Somewhere in Hollywood, the producers of “Let’s Be Cops” (in theaters now!) are cursing and chucking blunt objects at their TVs.

— daveweigel (@daveweigel) August 14, 2014

cop: are you high? me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope* cop: did you just say "asterisk vaults ov

— yung karen (@haleysfalling) August 12, 2014

iggy azalea makes music for girls who are doing community service for stealing earrings from claires

— dubstep4dads (@dubstep4dads) August 12, 2014

If a coworker tells you they've been sick and you don't reply with "A bug's been going around" you're instantly fired.

— Michael (@Home_Halfway) August 12, 2014

Successful presidents blame their predecessors in Year One. If you're still doing it in Year Six, you've given up.

— Dan McLaughlin (@baseballcrank) August 12, 2014

Coffee to change what I can, and wine to accept what I can't.

— RUTH BUZZI (@Ruth_A_Buzzi) August 12, 2014

It's not racist to ask me if I would like some watermelon but it is racist when you ask and don't have any watermelon

— Sam Ike (@TheSamIke) August 12, 2014

First Date Tip: 1) Wait for check to arrive 2) Insist on paying like a gentleman 3) Lock eyes 4) Slowly open Velcro wallet for 58 minutes

— Glenn Rockowitz (@justaride) August 12, 2014

If I was invisible, I'd find bad mimes and silently beat them to death. Just to give them one final, fantastic performance.

— Matt Roller (@rolldiggity) August 12, 2014

Hey man you hear about that new truth serum? Its got everybody talking

— Fashion josh (@verycozy) August 12, 2014

“Check it out, this Coke has my name on it!” — a guy named Coke

— sweaty five dollars (@iscoff) August 11, 2014

*has opinions about a part of the world I've only visited in first-person shooters*

— Jason Miller (@longwall26) August 11, 2014

look! up in the sky! its a bird! its a plane! & in 3rd place, its superman! in a stunnimg upset of the 26th anual SkyRace, a bird is winning

— jomny sun (@jonnysun) August 11, 2014

lot of blood in a clown

— village fetish (@botandy) August 11, 2014

"What's another word for 'kitchen' that starts with a B?" -guy who named Bed, Bath, and Beyond

— dan mentos (@DanMentos) August 11, 2014

"Civilization is like a thin layer of ice upon a deep ocean of chaos and darkness." -Werner Herzog's Yelp review of Waffle House

— Shari VanderWerf (@shariv67) August 11, 2014

A bagel is a donut with a job

— Sage Boggs (@sageboggs) August 8, 2014

People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I'm not expecting them to be practical

— Michael (@Home_Halfway) August 10, 2014

You people are all too stupid to get off your butts & send me $17.50 for my instruction kit on "How to Use Reverse Psychology"

— Michael Kupperman (@MKupperman) August 11, 2014

If only the left would get as angry at ISIS as they did at the Duck Dynasty guy, then we might have a chance.

— Eric Larson (@larsoneric50) August 11, 2014

Sir? the table of hot ladies over there wanted to know what song you were drumming on the bar. they said it seemed very fast and impressive.

— Mike F (@animaldrumss) August 6, 2014

Hey girl, are you a waiter who doesn't write down the order, because you're making me nervous.

— (maura) (@behindyourback) August 6, 2014

Between your money and my ideas for spending your money, there's nothing we can't accomplish together.

— David Burge (@iowahawkblog) August 7, 2014

My 2 year old daughter thinks spider clowns live in the walls. May be the scariest thing I have ever heard.

— jerry stahl (@somejerrystahl) August 7, 2014

"Your majesty, I present to you … the PYRAMIDS!" "Hmmm. Nope, don't like 'em. Curse them immediately and store dead bodies in them."

— John Cheese (@johncheese) August 5, 2014

*Loudly shushes an excited woman who just got engaged at the table next to mine*

— Michael (@Home_Halfway) August 5, 2014

*undresses you with my eyes* "wow this is taking forever I probably should've used my hands instead"

— Brian Essbe (@SortaBad) August 5, 2014

*stops riding a deer* I guess you could say… I'm off my game.

— Maeberys Marbaryen (@maebemarbles) August 5, 2014

In retrospect, the butterfly sanctuary was a bad place to show off my nunchaku skills

— Jason Miller (@longwall26) August 6, 2014

Bryan Adams was excited to get his "first real six-string" in Summer of '69 because prior to that he'd been sold several fakes.

— Sean Thomason (@TheThomason) August 6, 2014

Son I'm sorry but we had to send your dog to a farm. A death farm. For dead pets. More of a trash bag than a farm really. Take out the trash

— Bucky Isotope (@BuckyIsotope) August 3, 2014

[soldier dying in my arms] "You take this & you give it to my wife." "No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me."

— David Hughes (@david8hughes) August 1, 2014

Tips for a happy marriage? 1.) Stop 2.) Collaborate 3.) Listen.

— Doth (@DothTheDoth) August 4, 2014

Don’t freak out, but I just saw a poorly disguised Bruce Willis running through an airport in slow motion.

— Daniel Foster (@DanFosterType) August 4, 2014

*sits next to girl at bar* hey babe how old are u? "Go to hell" *glances down at Age Of Consent card* let me start over. what state is this?

— dan mentos (@DanMentos) August 4, 2014

"You sicken me," I growl into the mirror, in a farrago of creative and psychic self-doubt. "Are you even ready for some football"

— Degenerate Gandhi (@Bro_Pair) August 1, 2014

THE YEAR IS 2016. FACEBOOK DOWN FOR TWO YEARS NOW. AMERICA'S NEW MOMS ROAM THE STREETS. IS MY BABY PRETTY? THEY SAY. PLEASE LIKE MY BABY.

— Mark Agee (@MarkAgee) August 1, 2014

Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I'm looking for the thumbs-down button.

— Tim Siedell (@badbanana) August 1, 2014

Some people call me the Space Cowboy. A few. Not many. …OK, only me. I call MYSELF "The Space Cowboy." Would you? Too? "No?" OK.

— Bill Corbett (@BillCorbett) August 1, 2014

The girls met a feral cat on the patio and fed it bacon. Now they want it to go away. Bacon does not make things go away.

— Popehat (@Popehat) August 3, 2014

To the girl crying on this bus: Stop. If it were ok to cry on the bus, we'd all be doing it.

— shut up, mike (@shutupmikeginn) July 29, 2014

I really hope Sharknado 2 doesn't fall prey to the sequel curse.

— Jonah Goldberg (@JonahNRO) July 30, 2014

"man superman is a nerd" [Superman stands up] NUH UH [puts on eyeglasses] ya what he said [puts on sunglasses] ya what superman & Clark said

— EJ Gomez (@EJGomez) July 30, 2014

I would be so excited to take a swing at Bieber, I'd probably miss too. #TeamOrlando

— Charly J. (@chuck_dizzle) July 31, 2014

Hamas rockets are landing in Gaza? Those poor people can't even afford enough fuel. 🙁

— Anthonado Bialy (@AnthonyBialy) July 31, 2014

I went job hunting today, killed every single one of them. Jobs are now extinct. You guys are free, you don't need to work anymore.

— love (@baconacid) July 29, 2014

Depends® — When nature calls, let the answering machine get it.

— Glenn (@justabloodygame) July 29, 2014

15 Celebrities You Didn't Know Were Famous

— Calm Tomb (@CalmTomb) July 29, 2014

Me and the spider in my room have a mutual understanding of territory, I hope.

— Tyler Schmall (@tylerschmall) July 30, 2014

He died doing what he loved: skiing – he shot himself while skiing.

— blake (@Leemanish) March 3, 2014

Monkey: "We're not so different" Me: "Did that monkey just talk to me" Monkey: "Monkey noise" Me: "Did it just say 'monkey noise'?"

— Platypus King (@DillDoes) July 28, 2014

“This may be the wine talking” – Drunk ventriloquist

— shut up, mike (@shutupmikeginn) July 29, 2014

I don't have coffee in the morning so I can wake up. I wake up in the morning so I can have coffee.

— James Lileks (@Lileks) July 29, 2014

My nickname at work is "don't tell her about the bagels."

— pin up teacher (@pinupteacher) July 24, 2014

"I may not be a very smart man, but I know what Love is." Forrest Gump chuckles, taunting his tennis opponent after blanking him for a set.

— Glenn (@justabloodygame) July 24, 2014

[son crying] "What's wrong?" "The kids at school pick on me." "Yeah? Do they call you fatty & poke at your tummy?" "No." "Oh. They should."

— David Hughes (@david8hughes) July 24, 2014

Imagine us eating pizza. Wrong. You're not getting any. *shoves you* Stop imagining you're eating my pizza!

— PaperWash© (@PaperWash) July 25, 2014

[house party] *puts hands behind ears to hear my friend over music* "WHAT" *elephant walks over all up in my face* you tryin' to be funny?

— k e e t (@KeetPotato) July 25, 2014

Damn girl are you Schrodinger's cat cos you're in a box and all these nerds are talking about you? Sir have some respect this is a funeral.

— Bread Zeppellin (@breadzeppellin) July 25, 2014

you ever notice how babies and their parents start to resemble each other after a while

— Horton (@crushingbort) July 25, 2014

Anytime you see someone running in flip flops they're leaving the scene of a crime.

— Will Kane (@3rdand10) July 27, 2014

Padmé: How was your day? Anakin: I killed all the Jedi. Now I’m Sith lord. You? Padmé: Anakin: Padmé: I watched a movie on Lifetime.

— Star Wars Problems (@StarWarsProblms) July 23, 2014

Remember: one culture per alien planet. More than that, and you're just showing off.

— The Worst Muse (@WorstMuse) July 23, 2014

*runs into acquaintance* "Hey we should get together sometime!" "I barely remember you and we were never friends. That would be horrible."

— Michael (@Home_Halfway) July 23, 2014

Did it hurt? Did what hurt? Did it hurt when you dropped out of school? Because you look like an idiot.

— Kris Wilson (@TheKrisWilson) July 23, 2014

If a bear attacks you, ask the bear whats really going on. Maybe hes just lashing out bc of problems at home & just needs someone to listen.

— Rob Fee (@robfee) July 23, 2014

who called it weight loss instead of mass exodus

— dan mentos (@NonCombosMentos) July 24, 2014

I think salads help you lose weight because they're gross and you end up not eating them

— Andy Richter (@AndyRichter) July 22, 2014

Hamas: polite academic society's favorite genocidal neo-Nazis.

— David Burge (@iowahawkblog) July 22, 2014

*Joe Biden slowly perks up at a Congress meeting* "How d- BUT HOW DO MERMAIDS POOP!?"

— Toilet Clogger (@Dank_Pal) July 23, 2014

Starbucks barista, looking at name on cup 'Americano here for uh,Sarah? Zaurah? Sara? Zara? Saurah?' *great blazing eye turns in the crowd*

— village fetish (@botandy) July 21, 2014

The only people who objectify women more than feminists are teenaged boys.

— Melissa Clouthier (@MelissaTweets) July 21, 2014

Just saved a Word document that only has “The” written on it I guess because I was afraid Word was going to crash and I’d lose it.

— Tyler Schmall (@tylerschmall) July 21, 2014

For teenage girls, KKK means I agree I agree I agree.

— Jason Lastname (@JasonLastname) July 22, 2014