Very nervous to use the bathroom because i ate twenty-five sticks of gum exactly 7 years ago tonight

— shut up, mike (@shutupmikeginn) July 6, 2014

Batman! The Joker escaped from Arkham Asylum again! We forgot to lock the doors and most of the guards are cats

— sweaty five dollars (@iscoff) July 18, 2014

COP: do u kno how fast u were going ME: no COP: me neither. can i hav my radar gun back now ME: …um…. COP: cmon man ME: no *speeds away*

— jomny sun (@jonnysun) July 20, 2014

Never trust a man who steals all your stuff and murders your entire family. He's obviously got "issues."

— Damon Hunzeker (@DamonHunzeker) July 20, 2014

people in regular houses shouldn't throw stones either for what it's worth

— k e e t (@KeetPotato) July 20, 2014

Armadillo? No way. Dillo’s can’t be trusted with guns.

— Bucky Isotope (@BuckyIsotope) August 10, 2013

Replace "Koch Brothers" with "Communists" and MSNBC is indistinguishable from a 1958 John Birch Society newsletter.

— David Burge (@iowahawkblog) July 17, 2014

Vox's business model in a nutshell: Let our liberal arts grads Google stuff for you.

— Will Antonin (@Will_Antonin) July 17, 2014

My dog qualifies as a service dog. *dog starts breakdancing* You're being served as we speak.

— Mike Primavera (@primawesome) July 18, 2014

*Defense Attorney whispers to the judge* dude this guys like too badass to go to jail, like look at how many laws he broke

— Platypus King (@DillDoes) July 18, 2014

*looking at new born baby* Nice baby. *opens baby mouth* How many miles on this bad boy? *sizes up baby's arms* What year?

— luke (@internetluke) July 18, 2014

*opens bedroom door* Girl, are you feeling a little adventurous? *pulls out Dungeon Masters Guide* Ok first you need to pick a race

— Brian Gaar (@briangaar) July 16, 2014

-Help help someone save us!! *Superman darts into phone booth and emerges as Clark Kent* "I'm here to save you, newspaper industry"

— Brian Essbe (@SortaBad) July 16, 2014

The Facebook Status That Ended The Gun Debate

— Ristolable (@Ristolable) July 16, 2014

*Bartender gives woman a drink* Compliments of the gentleman in the corner who's screaming about how cheap Starfox is in Smash Bros 64

— Michael (@Home_Halfway) July 16, 2014

Ace your interview by immediately walking up to the biggest guy on the panel and punching him.

— Fun_Beard (@Fun_Beard) July 17, 2014

Why did McDonald's choose a Juggalo to endorse their burgers?

— Blofeld Von Evil (@aka_fatman) July 17, 2014

Hoo boy. No, I will not sympathize with the Palestinians simply because they're worse at killing people than they want to be.

— Gabriel Malor (@gabrielmalor) July 14, 2014

Who the heck made up the rule that you have to force your kid to shoot their dog? Considering not doing it

— Michael Kupperman (@MKupperman) July 14, 2014

So you take the pillows off at bed time and put them back in the morning? Yup, got a whole system and everything. *alien shoots me*

— pin up teacher (@pinupteacher) July 15, 2014

*writes letter in 1700's to girlfriend* *waits 3 weeks and opens her return letter* "K"

— luke (@internetluke) July 15, 2014

When a Buzzfeed writer dies he's forced to click on a "You won't believe what happens next" thumbnail of himself. Then he goes to Hell.

— Michael J Nelson (@michaeljnelson) July 15, 2014

I see a man eyeing a woman's purse on the subway. He gets up and leaves without incident. I ease my grip on the wand in my coat pocket.

— THE NATEWOLF (@thenatewolf) July 15, 2014

Whatever bro. I'll let my fists do the talking. *makes fist, moves thumb like mouth* "(high pitched) Please don't beat up my friend, Matt"

— Matt McElaney (@MattMcElaney) July 10, 2014

They say an icicle is the perfect murder weapon uh thanks but I'll stick with my bejeweled, custom made hammer with "MURDER" embossed on it.

— Kevin Seccia (@kevinseccia) July 11, 2014

Girl even when you red shell me, a part of me is still happy for your success

— Brian Gaar (@briangaar) July 13, 2014

Too young to die, too old to release my first rap album

— Ristolable (@Ristolable) July 13, 2014

Germany! You just won the World Cup! What are you going to do now? "We're Going to Poland!" Uhh coach? *mask falls off* *coach is hitler*

— Argentina Cola (@SatansTongue) July 13, 2014

Imagine a villain unmasking Batman just to find 3 kids in a bat suit.

— luke (@internetluke) July 9, 2014

If not knowing the difference between right and wrong is wrong, then I don’t want to be wrong or maybe right

— refriend beans (@pharmasean) July 9, 2014

Will you guys donate one of your kidneys to me? You only need one, and I want three

— Mary Kobayashi (@MaryKoCo) July 9, 2014

We built this city on bluegrass and ambient trance.

— Bread Zeppellin (@breadzeppellin) July 9, 2014

"Oh my gosh when are you due"!? "I'm a man"! "You're glowing"! "You're an idiot." "Well someone's a little hormonal"!

— Tommytoughstuff (@Tommytoughstuff) July 8, 2014

"Hello, 911" Hi, yes my neighbor's ginger kid is hurt really bad "Sir this number is for emergencies"

— dan mentos (@NonCombosMentos) July 8, 2014

Remember before the iPhone when we had to walk everywhere with a separate camera, walkman, calculator, map & a near unlimited stash of porn?

— Jamie DMJ (@JamieDMJ) July 8, 2014

It is clear to me that Democrats prefer a culture war to actually making sure all women have access to all contraception

— Political Math (@politicalmath) July 8, 2014

If only the Germans had a word for taking pleasure in the misfortunes of others.

— delrayser (@delrayser) July 8, 2014

See? All it takes is an excruciating national humiliation in front of the entire world to get Americans interested in soccer.

— Cuffé (@CuffyMeh) July 8, 2014

Bad News For Brazil: They got whooped Good News for Brazil: It's just soccer, a game favored by children and weaklings

— Baron_Von_Meow (@AceofSpadesHQ) July 8, 2014

What idiot called it Duck Hunt instead of murder most fowl

— ugh, alchemy jokes (@tehaveragejoel) July 6, 2014

Welcome to Women's Studies 101. I am Professor Brody Hart. You might have seen me surfing on ESPN3. [slowly writes LADEYS ARE GOOD on board]

— America (@doctorveritas) July 7, 2014

Either this is a vegan restaurant or I've joined some sort of People's Revolutionary Front.

— Shari VanderWerf (@shariv67) July 7, 2014

It's your kids, Marty! Something has gotta be done about your kids! Your son, he's popular on something called Vine!

— Tyler Schmall (@tylerschmall) July 7, 2014

Battles would often be decided almost immediately when one knight would make the other knight mad. "Verily thou art mad," he would taunt

— sweaty five dollars (@iscoff) July 7, 2014

You can run, but you can't — wait, where the hell did you go!? Wow, I guess I really underestimated you.

— Guy Endore-Kaiser (@GuyEndoreKaiser) July 7, 2014

He should've named himself "The Chef," not "The Rock." "Do you smell what the chef is cooking?" See? Makes more sense.

— rdbrewer (@rdbrewer4) July 7, 2014

Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes "whoa".

— Bucky Isotope (@BuckyIsotope) September 13, 2013

Old screen names are a pretty good argument for why you have to be 18 to get a tattoo

— Eli Yudin (@eliyudin) July 3, 2014

"you want to know war, buddy?" *downs beer* "I fought on the front lines of CNN article comment sections for 3 years"

— sadvil (@crylenol) July 3, 2014

relations hip status: my grandmas hip replacement went well

— bread (@zoebread) July 3, 2014

The cliche about soccer is that it's boring. That comes from uneducated people who like their stupid games to have stuff happen.

— Michael J Nelson (@michaeljnelson) July 4, 2014

Now retired, Mario argues online all day about his constitutional right to throw fireballs

— Brian Gaar (@briangaar) July 5, 2014

The average amount of time it takes to hear a child's story is 4 months.

— Michael (@Home_Halfway) July 5, 2014

"Suicide hotline, how can we help?" -The person next to me is humming

— Swishergirl (@Swishergirl24) July 2, 2014

In their defense, a lot of the people upset about Hobby Lobby seem to really, really need meds.

— David Burge (@iowahawkblog) July 2, 2014

Boycotting Hobby Lobby in that I've never actually seen a Hobby Lobby and still don't 100% believe it's a real store.

— Sean Thomason (@TheThomason) July 2, 2014

The last book I read was when they had closed captioning turned on at the bar.

— Bryan Donaldson (@TheNardvark) July 2, 2014

"Describe heaven for me" "Well there's a tree by the brook" "Nice, nice" "And a songbird who sings" "Hard pass. I'll take the fire."

— The Natewolf (@thenatewolf) July 2, 2014

My dancing has been described as "this is a funeral" and "you should be ashamed"

— sadvil (@crylenol) July 2, 2014

i invented a cool drinking game: everytime you feel sad, drink a bottle of wine

— fabulous cop! (@fabulouscop) July 2, 2014

Continuing the series: "I'm pro-choice" "So you think people should be able to choose any light bulb for their home?" "Don't be ridiculous"

— AG (@AG_Conservative) July 3, 2014

"Dad, my girlfriend is pregnant" Son, I'm not mad.. Just disappointed "Hi disappointed, I'm dad" Son, did you just- "Yes" You're ready.

— Stevie Nips (@StevieKnip) June 30, 2014

Whether to tell the truth when it hurts your electoral chances is a Hard Choice.

— Patterico (@Patterico) July 1, 2014

It's important when you play a Maroon 5 song to tell the listeners that it is NOT the exact same song as before, it is a NEW Maroon 5 song.

— American Zero (@Patheticist) July 1, 2014

Don't throw up bathwater on the baby

— donni (@donni) July 1, 2014

*Pulls out T-shirt cannon* "Time to die you shirtless bastards"!

— Tommytoughstuff (@Tommytoughstuff) July 1, 2014

This morning, a bully came up behind me, mashed my hands against my keyboard, and taunted: "Stop Googling yourself! Stop Googling yourself!"

— Josh Gondelman (@joshgondelman) July 1, 2014

*sees a guy with his wallet in his left back pocket* that guy has some serious issues

— slick (@fanofhell) July 1, 2014

GO USA! DESTROY BELGIUM! I'm neutral on the soccer game, though.

— David Burge (@iowahawkblog) July 1, 2014

If the most horrific thing to ever happen in your life is paying for your own birth control, you should quit your damn whining.

— J.R. Salzman (@jrsalzman) July 1, 2014

"There's no 'u' in 'favorite'" – coach telling his British son that he prefers his American son

— Megan Amram (@meganamram) July 1, 2014

Tim Howard has done more for the United States than Obama has

— The Soccer Life (@SoccerIssues) July 1, 2014

Conservatism, properly understood, makes room for people to disagree. Progressivism does not.

— Dan McLaughlin (@baseballcrank) June 30, 2014

Want to dictate how a private business is operated? Fine, start one.

— David Burge (@iowahawkblog) June 30, 2014

We should be playing more practical jokes on nocturnal animals.

— Jon Friedman (@friedmanjon) June 30, 2014

Little-known fact: a woman doesn't need contraception unless there's a man involved.

— Dan McLaughlin (@baseballcrank) June 30, 2014

Y’all stay out of my wallet and I’m real happy to stay out of your bedroom.

— Erick Erickson (@EWErickson) June 30, 2014

*Meets god* You're real, eh? *God nods* And you saw all of that? *God nods* … I'll see myself out

— The Natewolf (@thenatewolf) June 23, 2014

Me: A watched pot never boils. Wife: … Me: … Wife: … Me: … Wife: … Me: … Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.

— Uncle Duke (@UncleDuke1969) June 25, 2014

"I need a poison that kills instantly but isn't traceable." The man in the alley nods. He opens his trenchcoat, revealing vials of gluten.

— Blind Chow (@BlindChow) June 26, 2014

Only as the condor bore me & my guitar away in its talons did I realize the crowd's cries of "Free Bird!" were not a request, but a warning.

— Glenn (@justabloodygame) June 26, 2014

If your name is Edna, you can automatically walk into any county fair in America and someone will hand you a blue ribbon for baking.

— Vesta Tot (@VestaTot) June 26, 2014

Raymond Chandler to get a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame, visible only by the neon reflection on high heels during a hard wet rain.

— Chris Marcil (@ChrisMarcil) June 26, 2014

What if nobody went to see the new Transformers movie this weekend. What if we lived in that world.

— Sean Thomason (@TheThomason) June 27, 2014

orange is the new you glad I didn't say banana

— Cakemittens (@cakemittens) June 29, 2014

What a weird world we live in. Before you can watch a jihadi video from Syria, you have to watch a 30-second X-box ad.

— Karl Sharro (@KarlreMarks) June 29, 2014

Saw a pilot wearing a tie with pictures of airplanes on it. After thinking about it for a couple hours, I'm okay with that.

— Michael Ian Black (@michaelianblack) June 20, 2014

Hi, I’d like to return these turtles. They don’t do karate.

— Viktor Winetrout, Jr (@Cpin42) June 20, 2014

M-O-R-E L-I-K-E O-U-I-J-A B-O-R-E-D i signal to my grandchildren from purgatory

— Markus J (@MarkusJ) June 20, 2014

Neighbors just watched me unpack a crate and carry a lifesize LEGO statue of myself into my house. I guess I'm the weird neighbor.

— Jonathan Coulton (@jonathancoulton) June 20, 2014

want to feel old? why? what's wrong with you, that you would want that

— Cohen is a ghost (@skullmandible) June 20, 2014

Washington is a fist, and the IRS is its middle finger.

— David Burge (@iowahawkblog) June 20, 2014

I was interested in that story, but not "willing to sit through a video ad" interested.

— Political Math (@politicalmath) June 19, 2014

Rattles are fun on babies but terrifying on snakes. Same thing with hats too, for some reason.

— T-O-M (@TomItUp) June 19, 2014

"My dad is smarter than yours" Yeah well my dad could beat up your dad "My dad has a bigger beard than your dad" Lets leave moms out of this

— dan mentos (@NonCombosMentos) June 19, 2014

permission to launch free t-shirts at the jury, your honor

— chuuch (@ch000ch) June 19, 2014

Doctor: Well, it looks like you have something called "muscular Disco Feet". That's pretty cool! Me: Did you mean, 'muscular dystrophy'?

— Idaho Jones (@aka_fatman) June 19, 2014

Don't bring a fight to a gun & knife show.

— єaяƒ ʕ•̮͡•ʔ dæ (@earfdae) June 19, 2014