And upon hearing that the Redskins had lost their trademark, the grad student wept. For he had no more worlds to conquer.

— T. Becket Adams (@BecketAdams) June 18, 2014

"Please be patient" ~ A Russian doctor asking someone to get sick

— Michael (@Home_Halfway) June 18, 2014

The Washington Redskins lost the trademark on their team name. Great. Now EVERY team's going to want it.

— CC:Indecision (@indecision) June 18, 2014

How many licks of ice cream does it take to get to the center of a clinical depression?

— Viktor Winetrout, Jr (@Cpin42) June 18, 2014

OXFORD COMMA! IN THESE TOUGH ECONOMIC TIMES! MOST PEOPLE PREFER UNIVERSITY OF PHOENIX COMMA!

— DRUNK HULK (@DRUNKHULK) June 18, 2014

I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can't enjoy any of it

— slick (@FanofHell) June 18, 2014

the first rule of fight club is google ron paul

— Churlish (@Cryptoterra) June 18, 2014

they should replace "WARNING: HIGH VOLTAGE" signs with "WHAT HAPPENS NEXT WILL SHOCK YOU!" signs

— Brian Lee (@LRcomic) June 18, 2014

The last time anything interesting happened in the world of soccer, they made a movie about cannibalism.

— Harold Stickeehands (@StickeeNotes) June 17, 2014

"You have a clean bill of health!" "Thanks Doc!" "But you're still gonna die someday!" "I know" "Death. Forever." "Okay" "BUGS WILL EAT YOU"

— Michael (@Home_Halfway) June 17, 2014

The Bush administration is doing a terrible job of handling Iraq in his fourth term as president.

— J.R. Salzman (@jrsalzman) June 17, 2014

Jon Snow: TIES SUCK Ygritte: YOU KNOW NOTHING JON SNOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

— samir mezrahi (@samir) June 17, 2014

It's time the entire world called it 'sleepytime kickyball.'

— Tim Siedell (@badbanana) June 17, 2014

the best poker hand you can get is four aces and one mickey mantle rookie card

— john freiler (@johnfreiler) June 17, 2014

Out: Romney a monster for doing his job trying to build businesses. In: Hillary was just doing her job getting child rapists off the hook.

— Josh Jordan (@NumbersMuncher) June 16, 2014

Not only was Bob Dole a war hero, but without his contributions they never would have invented the pineapple.

— Lazer Cat (@Laser_Cat) June 16, 2014

Gravity has an unusually powerful effect on soccer players.

— Dave Barry (@rayadverb) June 16, 2014

It's cute how we let nations like Ghana pretend they're real countries with national anthems and everything.

— Doug Mataconis (@dmataconis) June 16, 2014

Most of the fun of cheering for Team USA, for most Americans, is when the US beats other countries at a sport they care way more about.

— Zack Beauchamp (@zackbeauchamp) June 16, 2014

Ladies compare me to a European soccer team because if they touch me I fall down and start crying.

— Bucky Isotope (@BuckyIsotope) June 16, 2014

If Ghana wants to win it should attack the USA's weakness by shouting out Game of Thrones spoilers

— Eliza Bayne (@ElizaBayne) June 16, 2014

The World Cup. Now I know what it must be like for normal people during a primary season.

— John Podhoretz (@jpodhoretz) June 16, 2014

friday the 13th is unlucky for jason voorhees too, y'know. sometimes he'll swing the machete too hard & cut his belt and his pants fall down

— john freiler (@johnfreiler) June 13, 2014

Barack Costanza: "I gave Iraq to Al Qaeda & 'lost' all the IRS emails!" Press: "Brilliant work, Mr. President!" Barack Costanza: "Dammit!"

— jon gabriel (@exjon) June 13, 2014

My nephew just asked me how Anakin Skywalker became bad. I said "It's a long boring story."

— Brian Gaar (@briangaar) June 14, 2014

Okay, time to get this cock fight started. *puts chickens in ring, clears throat* Gentlemen, let's begin with the topic of climate change

— Jason Miller (@longwall26) June 12, 2014

*takes a bite out of crime* *spits crime out* "WHOA DOES THIS HAVE GLUTEN IN IT?"

— Brian Essbe (@SortaBad) June 12, 2014

Ninja status: startled by the beep of my microwave.

— CatherineLMK (@CatherineLMK) June 12, 2014

Q. How does a black hole maintain its figure? A. By eating light

— dan mentos (@NonCombosMentos) June 12, 2014

No matter how low your opinion of Washington, it's nothing compared to Washington's low opinion of you.

— David Burge (@iowahawkblog) June 11, 2014

George R.R. Martin has joined twitter! He will introduce 140 characters, and then kill off your favorite ones.

— Stephen Colbert (@StephenAtHome) June 11, 2014

Game of Thrones, only with puppets. And they all live in the same town. And nobody dies. Kids are everywhere. Different name. Sesame Street.

— Growly Grego (@GrowlyGrego) June 11, 2014

This "Dumb and Dumber To" trailer is hilarious but wow it's really long and oh wait I'm watching C-SPAN.

— Tim Siedell (@badbanana) June 11, 2014

David Brat has a lot to cope with, being an exciting Republican star but also father of the Bratz girls.

— Michael Kupperman (@MKupperman) June 11, 2014

Oh iTunes, why can't I force quit you

— Gabriel Rossman (@GabrielRossman) June 11, 2014

imagine being in a relationship with someone who didn't like the oxford comma

— andy levy (@andylevy) June 11, 2014

Dear Mr. President, I'm pretty sure the appropriate reply to "I hope he fails" isn't "Challenge accepted".

— Jimmie (@jimmiebjr) June 12, 2014

Scientists want you to believe that rocks and trees haven’t been at war for millions of years. Wake up people. Because they will soon.

— noog (@noog) June 10, 2014

If you slipped a check for $100 into the middle of every copy of "Hard Choices," would any of them ever get cashed?

— Kyle Smith (@rkylesmith) June 10, 2014

Poor people got 99 problems & the rich ain't one.

— Dan McLaughlin (@baseballcrank) June 10, 2014

[the creator of Pixars hit movie Cars looks at a boat] wait I've got an idea

— EJ Gomez (@EJGomez) June 10, 2014

#DavesTips keep a human dummy in your passenger seat to take the blame in case the cops pull you over. Call him "Chuck Hagel."

— David Burge (@iowahawkblog) June 10, 2014

I feel like DSM-V was just a flimsy pretext to bring back the characters from DSM-IV.

— Rob Kutner (@ApocalypseHow) June 10, 2014

"Mimes: The Silent Killer" reads the warning poster. I laugh. But in the darkness, a man in a striped shirt has escaped his invisible box…

— Blind Chow (@BlindChow) June 7, 2014

"I was born a poor, black First Lady." – Hillary Clinton, probably.

— Chris Barnhart (@ChrisBarnhart) June 9, 2014

{At death row} "So what will your last meal be?" My great grandson "But he won't be born for another…OH MAN YOU ARE GOOD!!"

— Michael (@Home_Halfway) June 9, 2014

Worst part of wearing short suits? Explaining to your parents that they'll never have grandkids.

— Jonah Goldberg (@JonahNRO) June 9, 2014

I can't wait to see what disease you cure with all the time you've saved not putting your shopping cart away.

— Guy Endore-Kaiser (@GuyEndoreKaiser) June 9, 2014

Not to question The Lord or anything, but it really feels like we only needed one kind of squash.

— Jason Miller (@longwall26) June 9, 2014

90% of the use of the word "slacker" is in TV pilot loglines.

— Matt Roller (@rolldiggity) June 9, 2014

A superhero whose only power is having his own parking spot downtown. Everyone is nice to him, even bad guys

— Brian Gaar (@briangaar) June 6, 2014

Call me new-fashioned, but I'm uncomfortable w/ female politicians who "get their start" as the wife of a politician.

— Political Math (@politicalmath) June 6, 2014

"Everyone wants a piece of me" – Cake-Man

— Peter Serafinowicz (@serafinowicz) June 6, 2014

The best thing about trying to name a baby is realizing how many people you hate

— Brian Gaar (@briangaar) June 5, 2014

Remember – you can do anything you put your mind to! Well, almost anything. Okay, some things. You can do things

— Mary Charlene (@IamEnidColeslaw) June 5, 2014

Imagine how many desperate employers there are out there earnestly looking for someone with a degree in gender studies.

— Neal Boortz (@Talkmaster) June 5, 2014

*King Midas house-sits neighbor's dog* Who's a good boy? *pets dog* [later, on phone] No, I'm pretty sure he was always a golden retriever…

— Blind Chow (@BlindChow) June 5, 2014

A kickstarter to get Maureen Dowd to try cocaine

— Michael (@Home_Halfway) June 5, 2014

The upside to being a vampire is always having an excuse to stay inside.

— Sammy Rhodes (@sammyrhodes) June 5, 2014

Pointing out Bieber's racism is like pointing out a typo on the Titanic's dinner menu.

— Wonderella (@wonderella) June 5, 2014

And when you saw only one set of footprints in the snow, that is when Danny back tracked and left you to freeze to death in the hedge maze.

— Shari VanderWerf (@shariv67) June 4, 2014

It's worth noting that "was Bergdahl a deserter" is a totally separate question from "should we do prisoner swaps w/ terrorists"

— Political Math (@politicalmath) June 4, 2014

2014: No comment. Investigation ongoing. 2015: Investigation still ongoing guys! Being really thorough! 2016: Dude, that was 2 years ago!

— Kyle Smith (@rkylesmith) June 4, 2014

your resume's strong, but do you have any references? *Dennis Miller's eyes light up*

— Dave Dittel Beerlovr (@davedittell) June 3, 2014

I hope Obama kept the receipt for Bergdahl. Maybe he can be exchanged for a sweater or store credit.

— -ls/cm (@isfullofcrap) June 3, 2014

Gonna show up to a parent-teacher conference night and freak out when they've never heard of my nonexistent kid.

— Tyler Schmall (@tylerschmall) June 3, 2014

This Bergdahl trade is worse than that time @SenWarren got some beads for Manhattan.

— Cuffé (@CuffyMeh) June 3, 2014

"What kind of scum would slander this fine brave patriotic US soldier!" "His platoon mates." "And you actually believe those baby killers?"

— David Burge (@iowahawkblog) June 3, 2014

If Harry Reid was in the GOP, he'd be a weekly segment on SNL.

— Just Karl (@justkarl) June 3, 2014

Hey banks, enough with the "Thank you for banking with us". We only have like 3 options and you're all terrible.

— Damien Fahey (@DamienFahey) June 3, 2014

wanted: shrödingers cat dead and alive

— fabulous cop! (@fabulouscop) June 3, 2014

*eyelash falls into eye* AAARGH YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PROTECT ME!

— a neat robot (@dinnersruined) August 29, 2013

Neighbors, ruining a perfectly good head nod with a "Hey, how are you?"

— Kevin Seccia (@kevinseccia) June 2, 2014

Asking me my favorite donut is like asking me to pick a favorite child. Jelly and Timothy.

— Shari VanderWerf (@shariv67) June 2, 2014

I threw my e cig out on a hike and accidentally started a forest firefox.

— Kyle Lippert (@Kyle_Lippert) June 2, 2014

If more Americans would remember to spay or neuter their hurricanes, we wouldn't have so many unwanted strays.

— Popehat (@Popehat) June 2, 2014

A carnival haunted house filled with bakers and chefs who jump out and yell "Gluten!"

— Tim Siedell (@badbanana) June 2, 2014

porsche makes a car called the "targa", named after a road race that killed many. it's like naming a car "911"

— Huge bee in the car (@neonwario) June 2, 2014

Consumer Tip: Buy helium balloons, which usually cost around -$12/lb. Their value will increase to $0 within a few days.

— hat mentos (@NonCombosMentos) May 30, 2014

I'm late to the story. Q: How are we sure Carney resigned? Did we hear it from Carney himself or from a reliable source?

— Jonah Goldberg (@JonahNRO) May 30, 2014

"Wow" is the most overused word in boring conversations.

— Erica (@SCbchbum) May 30, 2014

while lifting weights I look at photos of babies trapped under overturned cars to get enough adrenaline for one last rep. #Fitness

— lawblob (@lawblob) May 30, 2014

Every pizza is a personal pizza if you try hard and believe in yourself.

— Holly Fisher (@HollyRFisher) May 30, 2014

'Democrats are just awful, and Republicans are a bit better.' There, I've said everything that needs to be said about politics.

— Kevin Eder (@keder) May 30, 2014

Edgar Wright pulled out of directing 'Ant-Man'. Still no word on who will direct 'Uncle-Woman'.

— Eli Braden (@EliBraden) May 31, 2014

I'm a JFK Truther, devoting my life to the thesis—censored by the Warren Commission and the mainstream media—that JFK died a natural death

— Clifford (@BigRedDreck) June 1, 2014

[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye] "Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye."

— David Hughes (@david8hughes) June 1, 2014

[tv interview] did you get upset? "that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself" don't do that. just curse and we will add the beeps

— Brent and good hat (@murrman5) June 1, 2014

Might be a little late on this but if Britain is going to tax us the least they can do is give us representation in the House of Parliament.

— Tyler Schmall (@tylerschmall) May 29, 2014

I bet nothing is more terrifying than Gary Busey drinking a Red Bull.

— Sammy Rhodes (@sammyrhodes) May 29, 2014

The dog buried a bone tonight. All his defaults appear to be set on Classic.

— James Lileks (@Lileks) May 30, 2014