If you love something, set it free. If you hate something, put it in a cage. That's why birds are in cages: we hate them.

— Amy Spiker (@ASpiker) May 27, 2014

How are you supposed to eat an unpitted olive without looking like a giant nibbling on a plum?

— Jim Gaffigan (@JimGaffigan) May 28, 2014

So Hitler wasn't a socialist b/c his socialism wasn't pure, but he was a Christian b/c he was baptized. I guess we defend what we love.

— Political Math (@politicalmath) May 28, 2014

Fun fact: There is no place in the world where I talk to myself more than I do when I'm at the grocery store.

— T. Becket Adams (@BecketAdams) May 28, 2014

My business card just says "Brian Essbe, business card distributor"

— Brian Essbe (@SortaBad) May 27, 2014

I am strong, probably, I haven't checked.

— Possibly Rabbit IRL? (@doctorveritas) May 27, 2014

"My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other's…" (silence) (silence) *Russian accent* "You give me Green Card now, yes?"

— Fight Hawk (@aka_fatman) May 27, 2014

"Welcome to the jungle" Thanks. "We've got fun and games" Cool. "You're in the jungle" We've established this "You're gonna die!" Wait what?

— TwitnterIsComing (@OhNoSheTwitnt) May 23, 2014

In Obama's defense, he just now learned that he is the boss.

— Political Math (@politicalmath) May 23, 2014

Nobody's ever believed in me or encouraged me to succeed so if I ever win an award at least the speech will be nice and short

— donni (@donni) May 24, 2014

"DID YOU THINK YOU COULD DEFEAT ME … WHAT?? NO!!" — bad guys at the end of books I read

— Brian Gaar (@briangaar) May 26, 2014

just saw this guy walk up to a girl and say "I hate poems" which is definitely some bold game to be spitting in the Poetry aisle

— Cohen is a ghost (@skullmandible) May 22, 2014

Hi I'm Rowdy the anti-racism stoplight and I'm here to tell you not to pay attention to color. Unless you're at a stoplight I guess.

— Critter (@DukeRaccoon) May 22, 2014

"That actually explains a lot" -Kanye, 5 years after writing Gold Digger, being told he was hookin up w/ a Ferengi Starship Commander

— Mike Rosenthal (@VectorBelly) May 22, 2014

If at first you don't succeed, fail. Fail again and again. Become the world's best failure. Embrace your destiny.

— Shari VanderWerf (@shariv67) May 21, 2014

*walks into ER with missing leg, broken bones, bleeding profusely* ha, you think this is bad… You should see Grown Ups 2

— luke (@internetluke) May 21, 2014

"it's time for some VAN DAMMAGE" -a thing you can say before watching a Van Damme movie or before ramming something with your minivan

— jon hendren (@fart) May 21, 2014

Electrocutions are current events.

— Sean Thomason (@TheThomason) May 21, 2014

Serious question: What the hell good is a massive domestic surveillance state if the President learns everything through the news?

— Popehat (@Popehat) May 21, 2014

BLIND COP:put your hands where we can see em..er where my partner can see em CRIMINAL: youre alone BLIND COP:then put em where I can feel em

— slick (@HelenHuntitis) May 21, 2014

I'm not 100% vegetarian *takes a bite of a piece of coral*

— The Natewolf (@thenatewolf) May 21, 2014

Buckley: Rather be governed by 1st 500 names in phone book than Harvard faculty. Problem is that "Aiken, Clay" is very high in phonebook.

— Popehat (@Popehat) May 20, 2014

Obama is now at that ironic juncture where his most ardent devotees are defending him for 5th time in a row as clueless and not malevolent.

— Dennis Miller Show (@DennisDMZ) May 20, 2014

*Coming up on Dancing With the Stars!* {Millions of people disintegrate from the high amount of heat & gas & explode from being in space}

— Michael (@Home_Halfway) May 20, 2014

I'm so sick of the polar caps. We get it. You're cold. You have penguins and Santa. What a big man you are. Let's see you grow a peach tree.

— John Cheese (@johncheese) May 19, 2014

A wax museum is a museum like potato salad is a salad.

— Josh Gondelman (@joshgondelman) May 19, 2014

Luke…I am your father. I went out for cigarettes years ago (hence the voice) and I split, but now I'm back and I'd like to be in your life

— patrick (@tastefactory) May 19, 2014

Spent the last hour laughing at the thought of a dog magician saying, "Labracadabra!" Benedryl is fun.

— Shari VanderWerf (@shariv67) May 19, 2014

Our sport needs a name "Does it use a ball?" No it's more of an oblon– "Do u move it with ur foot?" No it's mostly thro– "Football" Perfect!

— Blind Chow (@BlindChow) May 16, 2014

home is where you hang your hat. a hat rack is where you sleep. beds are for soccer. the kitchen is a boat.

— rachel axler (@rachelaxler) May 16, 2014

An "away" status but for real life.

— Tyler Schmall (@tylerschmall) May 16, 2014

I would check my privilege but I've had previous dealings with the Privilege Check girl and frankly she's not one of us if you get my drift.

— Michael J Nelson (@michaeljnelson) May 14, 2014

*mustache falls off, it's Alopecia Steve again*

— men's pantsuit (@yankeepipher) May 15, 2014

I just checked my privilege, and it's a quart low. That's why, every 3 months or 5,000 accusations of racism, I go to Jiffy Privilege.

— Jim Treacher (@jtLOL) May 15, 2014

How to Cakewalk Step 1 with cake Step 2 with cake Step 3 with cake Step 4 with cake Step 5 w

— Blind Chow (@BlindChow) May 15, 2014

Cashier just told a guy to “stay cool out there today” like she didn’t see his fanny pack.

— Erica B (@SCbchbum) May 14, 2014

kinda weird that Hitler tried smoking weed for the first time right before starting World War II… or maybe it's not so weird?????

— EJ Gomez (@EJGomez) May 14, 2014

Hi, we're Mystery Inc. We investigate ghosts. "Hm. anything else?" We live out of a truck and think our dog can talk "Ok I'm gonna pass"

— sadvil (@crylenol) May 14, 2014

The idea of a suicide pill frightens me, but I could probably handle a chewable

— Bridger Winegar (@bridger_w) May 14, 2014

I believe it was Jean Paul Sartre who once said, "No, that's Nietzsche you're thinking of."

— dan guterman (@danguterman) May 14, 2014

If the NYTimes pays Baquet more than Ambramson, it's proof they are sexist. If it doesn't, it's proof they are racist AND sexist.

— David Burge (@iowahawkblog) May 14, 2014

Just imagine if we treated our other relationships like we treat the president. "Oh, I know he lies to me about using drugs. I don't care."

— Kevin Eder (@keder) May 14, 2014

I bet Bill Murray could start showing up at parties and casually murdering people for five years before anyone tried to stop him.

— Matt Roller (@rolldiggity) May 15, 2014

The guy doing my pedicure said my choice of pink polish was too girly. I'm not one for gender roles, but you, sir, work at a nail salon.

— Shari VanderWerf (@shariv67) May 13, 2014

I passed all my final exams! I was starting to worry, it's been nearly 2 weeks since I ate them

— Froghammer (@froghammer) May 13, 2014

There's only one solution. Mandatory Alec Baldwin sensitivity training for everyone.

— Tim Siedell (@badbanana) May 13, 2014

BANE: U think darkness is your ally? u merely adopted the dark, i was born in it GARGE: Well jerk store called and their runing out of YOU!

— Seinfeld Current Day (@Seinfeld2000) May 13, 2014

I've never had an emotion about a superhero casting decision.

— Emily Toffelmire (@klickitatstreet) May 14, 2014

i'm still writing "pharrell's hat" on all my checks

— jon hendren (@fart) May 12, 2014

no no no RoboCop is the scientist who created him, you're talking about RoboCop's Monster

— Michael Raphone, Sr. (@michael_raphone) February 7, 2014

I got kicked out of 24 Hour Fitness for demanding to fight their gym leader

— Churlish (@Cryptoterra) December 22, 2012

life is like a cartoon show, you wear the same clothes everyday to see how long it takes people to notice

— sofahunk 3000 (@couchdweller) May 8, 2014

Anyone doubt that Harry Reid smells of urine and sadness?

— Jonah Goldberg (@JonahNRO) May 8, 2014

After much trepidation I have ultimately arrived at the conclusion that Pharrell's hat is indeed bigger than a normal hat.

— Tyler Schmall (@tylerschmall) May 8, 2014

People call me "Radio Shack" on Twitter, because I'm still around and nobody understands why.

— Tommytoughstuff (@Tommytoughstuff) May 8, 2014

Feminists: Abortion is an empowering experience? So's stripping, I guess. Everything you do seems designed to make douchebag guys smile.

— Kurt Schlichter (@KurtSchlichter) May 7, 2014

"Koch" is Harry Reid for "Hodor"

— David Burge (@iowahawkblog) May 7, 2014

Going out on a limb here, but I'm guessing UN resolutions are of limited utility against people who sell little girls into slavery.

— David Burge (@iowahawkblog) May 6, 2014

Shorter Hillary supporters: "Women should be treated as equals. Oh, and Monica Lewinsky should shut up and live her life in shame."

— RB (@RBPundit) May 6, 2014

how to be a dad: 1) learn to grill 2) hi, [adjective], i'm dad 3) father a child 4) #3 should be #1 5) like cars? ya do now

— sadvil (@crylenol) May 6, 2014

I am more or less okay with everything that doesn't impact me directly.

— Michael Ian Black (@michaelianblack) May 6, 2014

"Are you sure?" – Wolverine's barber

— Chase Mitchell (@ChaseMit) May 6, 2014

Scientists theorize that at the exact center of the Universe there's a fast food restaurant that's half Hardee's and half Carls Jr

— Froghammer (@froghammer) May 6, 2014

“911 what’s your emergency” Please “…” You didn’t say please “What’s your emergency please” Some guy’s threatening me because I’m “annoying”

— noog (@noog) May 6, 2014

I'm here to chew gum and take names, because my travel agent gave me a super weird itinerary.

— Jenny Jaffe (@jennyjaffe) May 6, 2014

By March, 2015, 80% of internet traffic will consist of claims someone is furious.

— Sean Tejaratchi (@ShittingtonUK) May 6, 2014