I celebrate Orthodox Cinco de Mayo which isn't for about two weeks.

— jon gabriel (@exjon) May 5, 2014

‘Talk to the Hand’ – advice on getting something done in Westeros.

— Damien Owens (@OwensDamien) May 5, 2014

"Use the camera good." "Hey actor don't eat a chocolate bar right now." "Keep the lights on." I'd be such a great director

— sweaty five dollars (@iscoff) May 5, 2014

Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.

— Shari VanderWerf (@shariv67) May 5, 2014

Students at Harvard's Kennedy School have asked for help fighting privilege. STOP HITTING YOURSELF STOP HITTING YOURSELF

— Popehat (@Popehat) May 5, 2014

siri what is my life worth in bitcoin?

— human re: sources (@lamIamlam) May 5, 2014

elektronik sigara –
ukash ev

BREAKING: Local street performer dies in sword swallowing accident. "He thought the sword was gluten free but it wasnt" said one witness.

— Adam le homard (@AdamTheLobster) May 1, 2014

"Frankenstein, I called you in here to tell you that you're fired" "FIRE BAD!" "Yes getting fired is bad but frankly so is your performance"

— patrick (@tastefactory) May 2, 2014

listen, your mother gave you explicit instructions to keep moving forward and your mom mentum

— Fro Vo (@fro_vo) May 3, 2014

Anyone know where I can apply to be on an NFL team. I'm not good at sports but I have a positive attitude

— lemons (@respected_loner) May 4, 2014

*An Icelandic cop knocks on a door* "Mrs Jónsdóttir? There's no easy way to say this. Your husband fell into the volcano Eyjafjallajökull."

— hrtbps (@hrtbps) August 16, 2013

BREAKING: Local street performer dies in sword swallowing accident. "He thought the sword was gluten free but it wasnt" said one witness.

— Adam le homard (@AdamTheLobster) May 1, 2014

Egg plant. You know, cuz eggs are purple and oblong.

— The Natewolf (@thenatewolf) May 1, 2014

Give a man a fish, he'll eat for a day. Teach a man jujitsu and he'll keep making you give him your fish forever.

— Reverend Scott (@Reverend_Scott) April 30, 2014

Missed Connection: You had dark sunglasses and were walking your golden retriever up 3rd St. We spoke briefly. My nudity did not phase you.

— dan mentos (@NonCombosMentos) April 30, 2014

Why do cars exist?We could have just built things closer. Ridiculous.

— John Veritas, MD (@doctorveritas) April 30, 2014

It's not a wallet chain. I'm part bicycle.

— Tommytoughstuff (@Tommytoughstuff) April 30, 2014

You can't reduce inequality by giving money & power to politicians to distribute to their friends.

— Dan McLaughlin (@baseballcrank) April 29, 2014

Can't bring myself to care about Star Wars anymore knowing that "Star Tours" has been deemed non-canon

— Erik++ (@torgospizza) April 29, 2014

"ROBOCOP WORE GOOGLE GLASS" I scream as I am torn apart by an angry mob.

— Post-Culture Review (@PostCultRev) April 29, 2014

Whenever there's a new governor seated in Illinois, there's the ceremonial locking of the ankle monitoring bracelet.

— David Burge (@iowahawkblog) April 29, 2014

"Yes we can even."- future political slogan

— Dan O'Brien (@DOB_INC) April 30, 2014

"CANNONBALL!" I yelled, aiming my cannon at the pool and opening fire on my enemies

— sweaty five dollars (@iscoff) April 28, 2014

Someone called me a "looser" in an aol poetry chat room in '97 and I didn't get back online until literally now.

— Shy Rydia (@jenicastrife) April 28, 2014

Give a man a fish, you've created a fish addict. Then you raise the price

— Michael Kupperman (@MKupperman) April 28, 2014

The townspeople are absolutely right about Belle being weird in that first song because later she falls in love with a water buffalo.

— Kelly (@kellyanew) April 29, 2014

A man in India who dresses like Spider-Man is running for public office. He's expected to lose to a man who dresses like a politician.

— MancowMuller (@MancowMuller) April 25, 2014

I got kicked out of Ninja school after being sighted for stealth code violations

— dan mentos (@NonCombosMentos) April 25, 2014

Will I understand Star Wars Episode V if I didn't see Episodes T and U yet?

— Brian Essbe (@SortaBad) April 26, 2014

I love myself. That's why I let myself go.

— Shari VanderWerf (@shariv67) April 26, 2014

"That's an unacceptable view," (as opposed to "I disagree with that view") situates the speaker pretty reliably on the Left-Right spectrum.

— Daniel Hannan (@DanHannanMEP) April 27, 2014

If superheroes taught me anything at an early age, it’s that I should trust men who wear tights & lie about their identities.

— Erica B (@SCbchbum) April 27, 2014

I brought a knife to a gun fight. Because it is a person too. Please end gun on knife discrimination. Please let my knife live her dreams.

— Dodgeball Boyfriend (@dvoted_hubsand) April 24, 2014

It's like he's trying to sully the name "Bundy."

— Bill Corbett (@BillCorbett) April 24, 2014

Serious Question: Does Flight 370 owe CNN money or something?

— Josh Gondelman (@joshgondelman) April 24, 2014

MEMO TO CLIVEN BUNDY: Next time say: "Let me tell you what I know about Benedict Cumberbatch."

— Uncle Dynamite (@UncleDynamite) April 24, 2014

Question for everybody named Michael: why your name spelled all weird dude

— Ahm Seventysix (@Ahm76) April 25, 2014

Every day is Bring Your Kid To Work Day at the iPhone factory.

— Shari VanderWerf (@shariv67) April 25, 2014

*drowning in quicksand with only mouth exposed* I dont even own a tv

— jonnifer lopez (@senderblock23) April 25, 2014

Life is what happens when you’re not trying to remember the 90’s.

— tony logan (@tnylgn) April 23, 2014

#NetflixCategories "Shows Placed In A Genre By Netflix Employees With A Secret Hatred For That Genre"

— Popehat (@Popehat) April 23, 2014

hey nice baby whered you get it, the ugly stupid baby store????? #AnotherSlamDunkDiss

— EJ Gomez (@EJGomez) April 23, 2014

Saturn just gave birth to a moon. I'm pretty sure she¹s not a single parent, because she has a ring.

— Conan O'Brien (@ConanOBrien) April 23, 2014

Warn your children: If they're playing tag and they're "it" and the person they're playing with dies, they are "it" forever.

— Danny Zuker (@DannyZuker) April 23, 2014

You might say that she's a member of the world's oldest profession, if you get my drift…. (dinosaur therapist)

— Musky Lozenge (@LostCatDog) April 23, 2014

"There's a cis-privilege outrage somewhere in the My Little Pony cartoon. But where, dammit? WHERE?!?" — @Salon writer at 3am

— Patton Oswalt (@pattonoswalt) April 22, 2014

"How much for this melted ghost?" Sir that's a bed sheet "You have a lot of them! And they're packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL" This is a Macys

— Michael (@Home_Halfway) April 23, 2014

Hello I'm your new neighbor. I'm required to inform you that I'm a registered… *Kenny G lowers shades* sax offender. *plays sultry sax solo*

— Blind Chow (@BlindChow) April 20, 2014

In an attic somewhere, there's a painting of Lindsay Lohan that looks 27 years old.

— Jim Treacher (@jtLOL) April 21, 2014

"I don't see race" - blind guy at marathon

— sadvil (@crylenol) April 21, 2014

Let's hope your mommy taught you how to wash your hands so you didn't have to learn from a pictogram in a Burger King bathroom.

— Ahm Seventysix (@Ahm76) April 21, 2014

I bet every Baldwin brother takes the "Which Baldwin Brother Are You?" quiz hoping to get Alec.

— Tim Siedell (@badbanana) April 21, 2014

Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.

— lady hunk 3000 (@Jennuflect) January 8, 2014

"Shall we move this to the bedroom?" – Me, to snacks.

— Spanky McDutcherson (@thatdutchperson) April 18, 2014

A barista called me "brother from another mother" because we are both named Josh. That is not remotely how brothers work. It's the opposite.

— Josh Gondelman (@joshgondelman) April 19, 2014

my greatest dream is to swim in an ocean of orange soda. it is a fanta sea.

— anti joke apple (@antijokeapple) April 19, 2014

"Uh- when I was saying Jesus I meant the Devil, and vice-versa" is a TERRIBLE way to end a sermon

— Michael Kupperman (@MKupperman) April 20, 2014

I think I'm going to the next town meeting and demand that dancing be banned. Then just sit back and wait for the awesome dance rebellion.

— John Cheese (@johncheese) April 17, 2014

"Don't forget the à la mode." -Davy Crockett ordering dessert

— Paige (@PeachCoffin) April 17, 2014

The loudest drunks are groups of sober teenage girls.

— kelly oxford (@kellyoxford) April 17, 2014

Freaky Friday reboot, where Mike Bloomberg becomes governor of Texas and Rick Perry becomes mayor of New York #DavesIdeas

— David Burge (@iowahawkblog) April 17, 2014

Every sword fight for the last 100 years has been interrupted by a mom yelling to get inside the house

— Brian Gaar (@briangaar) April 17, 2014

"Three strikes and you're out!" -terrible bowling coach

— dan mentos (@NonCombosMentos) April 17, 2014

Girl, are you a suicide hotline because I should definitely have your number in my phone.

— Tim Siedell (@badbanana) April 17, 2014

Had some time to kill during the intro of House of Cards so I got my masters degree.

— Tyler Schmall (@tylerschmall) April 18, 2014

Is Sofia the First's dad with the Lannisters or the Starks?

— Andy Richter (@AndyRichter) April 16, 2014

I'd be legitimately impressed if I saw someone kill ONE bird with one stone.

— Dan O'Brien (@DOB_INC) April 16, 2014

18 year olds aren't going to like this but I think maybe we should put all the 18 year olds in prison.

— Ristolable (@Ristolable) April 14, 2014

Game of Thrones Spoiler: George R.R. Martin dies in the middle of the seventh book

— Mickey McCauley (@Mickey_McCauley) April 14, 2014

A guy tells the doctor "Doctor, it hurts when I poke my leg." The doctor says "Yes, you've shattered your knees and may never walk again."

— anti joke apple (@antijokeapple) April 14, 2014

What if a man existed w/one hand that's a steak and the other is lobster plus unlimited salad bar? This is the plot of Edward Sizzlerhands

— Michael Kupperman (@MKupperman) April 14, 2014