[god making adam] Angel: What do you call it? God: A human Angel: What’s it do? God: It doesn’t annoy me Jeff. That’s what it does.

— noog (@noog) April 11, 2014

Writing "pics or it didn't happen" as the answer to every question on my ancient history exam.

— Bucky Isotope (@BuckyIsotope) April 11, 2014

McDonald's needs to stop selling our kids the dangerous idea that clowns can be rich and powerful.

— Shari VanderWerf (@shariv67) April 11, 2014

"Gee, I wonder how glamorous DC politico-media power couples balance their hectic lives." – no taxpayer, anywhere, ever

— David Burge (@iowahawkblog) April 11, 2014

i just worked out. well, i just did push ups. well, 1 push up. well, i tripped and got back up. well, im actually still laying here. *naps*

— timmy pumpkin (@TimmyPumpkin) April 12, 2014

The Democratic Party. The party of the little guy.. and by little guy we mean the Internal Revenue Service.

— Harold Stickeehands (@StickeeNotes) April 10, 2014

wait does this mean sebelius is replacing colbert?

— andy levy (@andylevy) April 10, 2014

While Sebelius announced her resignation today, the administration will be extending the deadline for her to depart until January 2015.

— HealthCare.Gov (@HealthDotGov) April 10, 2014

When Archie dies he'll probably come back as four NEW Archies, including one who's a cyborg.

— Erik++ (@torgospizza) April 9, 2014

The .01% of germs that remain alive in your mouth after mouthwash are the Liam Neeson guys who are really pissed and looking for revenge.

— Bucky Isotope (@BuckyIsotope) April 9, 2014

We mustn’t under-estimate the enemy. Or over-estimate them, either. Look, let’s just make a rule – no enemy-estimating, full stop.

— Damien Owens (@OwensDamien) April 9, 2014

The Writers' Assistant on Game of Throne's main job is to highlight dialog in the book that could just as easily take place in a brothel

— John McNamee (@Piecomic) April 9, 2014

The Snorks all died at once when somebody pointed out the top part of their snorkels was always underwater.

— Sean Thomason (@TheThomason) April 9, 2014

"Dudes, don't leave me hangin'" I gurgle, after my bros reject my high-five and throw a noose around my neck, hoisting me high into the air.

— Glenn (@justabloodygame) April 8, 2014

In order for Democrats to claim that they stand for progress, they need to pretend we're all living in 1952.

— Ben Shapiro (@benshapiro) April 8, 2014

It's not right to make fun of Kristen Stewart's stiff features. For all we know, she might find it very upsetting.

— Damien Owens (@OwensDamien) April 8, 2014

I never give homeless people money because I know they're just going to spend it on in-app purchases.

— Brandon Gutermuth (@UNTRESOR) April 9, 2014

Why do women want equal pay? We've already given them Bounty paper towels with colorful, fun patterns

— Michael Kupperman (@MKupperman) April 9, 2014

"Your fly is down." – Me alerting someone that their pet insect looks depressed

— Michael (@Home_Halfway) April 7, 2014

Take me down to the gentrified city where the grass is green and the girls can't even

— jon (@senderblock23) April 7, 2014

I read that there was a brawl at an NYPD/FDNY charity hockey game, and nothing has ever made more sense.

— Josh Gondelman (@joshgondelman) April 7, 2014

Next time you want to impress a girl when you're on a walk and hear chirping, elbow her in the shoulder and say "Dems is boids."

— Alec Sulkin (@thesulk) April 7, 2014

Bush did 9-11. Paintings. In one weekend. Somewhere in that range. He loves to paint.

— Tom (@Tom_Vom) April 4, 2014

It's NEVER ok to hit your kid except after U say U like a new song & they roll their eyes & say it came out months ago then u can hit them.

— Danny Zuker (@DannyZuker) April 4, 2014

Martial Arts Trivia: muay thai roughly translates to very thai

— jon (@senderblock23) April 4, 2014

A pot-bellied, unemployed Han Solo lays slumped on the couch. Princess Leia feeds her screaming baby. Leia: I hate you. Han: I know.

— Reverend Scott (@Reverend_Scott) April 4, 2014

If I'm ever forced to pick my favorite David Spade sitcom, just shoot me

— Brian Essbe (@SortaBad) April 3, 2014

“Oh wow, way better!” -Jedi Knight trying out a gun

— Guy Endore-Kaiser (@GuyEndoreKaiser) April 3, 2014

Guide to making everyone hate you: Step 1) Turn your hat backwards

— noog (@noog) April 3, 2014

Breaking: Chairman of Unilever ousted upon learning he once ate at a Chick-Fil-A and has Duck Dynasty coffee mug.

— Bossy McBossboss (@RennaW) April 3, 2014

How I Met Your Worst Fears About How This Show Would End, Also Your Mother

— Bill Corbett (@BillCorbett) April 2, 2014

Of course someone of your minimal social importance would think I'm pretentious.

— Michael (@Home_Halfway) April 2, 2014

People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones WHEN INSIDE THEIR HOUSE. When outside, aim away from the house.

— Michael Kupperman (@MKupperman) April 2, 2014

Is it illegal to yell "Kochs!" in a crowded Democrat fundraiser?

— Chris Loesch (@ChrisLoesch) April 2, 2014

You guys! Let's reduce corruption and the influence of money on politics by making government bigger!

— David Burge (@iowahawkblog) April 2, 2014

Something is seriously wrong when a deranged shooter is safer attacking an army base than he would be holding up a liquor store.

— Popehat (@Popehat) April 2, 2014

"April Fools!" -Mr. T reminding a group of CPAs which month taxes are due.

— Growly Grego (@GrowlyGrego) April 1, 2014

Parenting tip: Put your baby up for adoption and reclaim her around age 4.

— Jocelyn Plums (@FilthyRichmond) April 1, 2014

GM is alive, their customers are dead.

— David Burge (@iowahawkblog) April 1, 2014

if you ever need me just go to the nearest beach at sunset. i’ll be there, practicing karate.

— lawblob (@lawblob) April 1, 2014

Happy 75th birthday, Batman! If it's any consolation, your parents would be dead by now anyway.

— Wonderella (@wonderella) March 31, 2014

Welcome to Lots of Novocaine in Your Mouth Club. The firrst ruuuule ofnovocrnn clbbbb issttthhh jjajhagiidnzmz plubrrrrbrzzzz

— Michael (@Home_Halfway) April 1, 2014

I need to return this TV. "Sir, that's a toaster" I have a receipt. "That's a napkin" I have rights! "You're a taco" *taco bristles angrily*

— Blind Chow (@BlindChow) April 1, 2014

Productivity Tip: Avoid a time-wasting meeting by burning down the office.

— Tim Siedell (@badbanana) March 28, 2014

All it takes to turn me into a sweating interrogation subject is for someone to ask whether I washed the fruit we're eating.

— Jason Miller (@longwall26) March 28, 2014

Fight the power! Punch a lighbulb in the mouth! Jump kick into a wind turbine! Headbutt the sun!

— Post-Culture Review (@PostCultRev) March 28, 2014

"i really want to pet a dog right now" -me all of the time forever

— jon hendren (@fart) March 28, 2014

I can never tell if Periwinkle is a color, a flower, a toy dog breed or a terrible rap name.

— Robert Brockway (@Brockway_LLC) March 28, 2014

Once I realized I didn't have to fill the entire cup with water from the cooler, my work/life balance adjusted perfectly.

— Mike Bianchi (@Mike_Bianchi) March 27, 2014

Taco Bell is counting on a pretty slim demo for breakfast: Depressed enough to eat Taco Bell for breakfast yet not enough to sleep past 11AM

— Gavin Speiller (@gavinspeiller) March 27, 2014

hard to believe it's been five years since the mandatory skepticism laws were passed

— Cohen is a ghost (@skullmandible) March 27, 2014

"This is goodbye" *Paperclip guy pops up* You're writing a suicide note. Remember there's still stuff to live for, like Windows 8 tablets

— march sadness (@crylenol) March 27, 2014

Watching 'TRUE DETECTIVE' – yeah right. I'm sure two of the guys in it are actors

— Peter Serafinowicz (@serafinowicz) March 27, 2014

Michael Bay's Ninja Turtles is a great opportunity to teach your children about lowered expectations

— Wonderella (@wonderella) March 27, 2014

Dry cleaner said my shirt is “clean as a whistle,” which I guess means he put it in his mouth and blew all over it.

— Aaron Burdette (@AaronBurdette) March 26, 2014

New report by science confirms kickflips are actually rad as hell, mom.

— march sadness (@crylenol) March 26, 2014

Worth reiterating: the idea Obama would be an effective manager was never, ever based on any evidence.

— Dan McLaughlin (@baseballcrank) March 26, 2014

[At dinner w girlfriend's parents] "Watch this" *pretends to play plate like tambourine* *her dad gives her a secret thumbs up but I see it*

— patrick (@tastefactory) March 27, 2014

I support a woman's right to choose whatever health care she wants to provide for her employees.

— David Burge (@iowahawkblog) March 25, 2014

CNN just launched a petition to reboot their cancelled-too-soon series "Missing Airplane."

— Sean Thomason (@TheThomason) March 25, 2014

Ugh, I always get the most talkative cab drivers. They're all like "What's going on?" and "Are you hurt?" and "Get out of my ambulance."

— Aaron Burdette (@AaronBurdette) March 25, 2014

Want to see some rank nativism? Say something conservative in a foreign accent.

— Charles C. W. Cooke (@charlescwcooke) March 25, 2014

On your first day in the ICU, go up to the biggest, meanest guy there and unplug his life support machine.

— Blind Chow (@BlindChow) March 25, 2014

A show where a detective who refuses to play by the rules is successfully investigated, prosecuted and then jailed by Internal Affairs.

— Glenn Loury (@justabloodygame) March 26, 2014

Isn't Oculus Rift someone who's trying to kill Harry Potter?

— Rob Kutner (@ApocalypseHow) March 26, 2014

"Anne Frank's story begins, much like that of Sandra Fluke…" – Gen Y literary criticism.

— Popehat (@Popehat) March 26, 2014

a blind person just picked fault with a tweet about guide dogs i have so many questions about this i dont know where to begin

— k e e t (@KeetPotato) March 24, 2014

The Kochs need to start some liberal-sounding group and raise money by attacking themselves.

— L (@OrwellForks) March 24, 2014

"You have your father's eyebrows." – cleanest way to break off an engagement

— Uncle Dynamite (@UncleDynamite) March 24, 2014

everyone at @mmfa has free employer-provided birth control. Their personalities.

— David Burge (@iowahawkblog) March 24, 2014

No one was ever made happy by a sentence that starts, "Due to."

— DC Pierson (@DCpierson) March 24, 2014

I believe the collective noun for a group of 20-somethings sitting around staring at their phones is 'a disappointment'

— slow jam (@unodos_case) March 24, 2014

You always hear a stake through the heart is an effective way to kill a vampire, but actually, it's an effective way to kill lots of things

— Bridger Winegar (@bridger_w) March 24, 2014

Can you imagine how different the world would be today if Hitler had seen a COEXIST bumper sticker?

— Eli Braden (@EliBraden) March 25, 2014