Sorry I slammed your Grandma's casket closed because I thought I saw her move

— dan mentos (@NonCombosMentos) March 21, 2014

Why do they still force actors to be so skinny? We've got wide screens now. Plenty of room.

— Jocelyn Plums (@FilthyRichmond) March 21, 2014

Business idea: Like a sports bar but we only play my old Mystery Science Theater 3000 VHS tapes and no one is allowed to talk over them.

— vladchoc (@vladchoc) March 22, 2014

"SHE'S NOT EVEN A NEW GIRL ANYMORE!" – What my last three arguments have been about

— Nick Ross (@NickBossRoss) March 24, 2014

Yeah it's a scooter *takes off helmet* it's like a motorcycle for people who talk about their feelings

— Brian Gaar (@briangaar) March 19, 2014

RIGHT NOW in an L.A. Starbucks, some screenwriter dude is typing the character description "She's beautiful but doesn't know it."

— Bill Corbett (@BillCorbett) March 20, 2014

I still think about the time I said "thornks" to a hot girl that held a door open for me two years ago once or twice a day.

— Tyler Schmall (@tylerschmall) March 20, 2014

This guy at the bar I'm at is wearing a knitted Mexican poncho and instead of judging him I'm worried that I should be wearing one too

— The Ruffalo Shuffle (@RuffaloShuffle) March 21, 2014

99 percent of working in TV is walking around frantically holding a piece of paper

— Chase Mitchell (@ChaseMit) March 21, 2014

"one of youse is an undercover COP!" Outrageous! It's not me, heard those guys are cool tho. Like really cool and good at sex… What?

— Turbo Jimothy (@Turbo_Jimmy) March 19, 2014

If you ask a cop, he’s legally obligated to tell you if he’s a member of The Village People.

— Viktor Winetrout, Jr (@Cpin42) March 19, 2014

I know what happened to the Malaysian plane: it was swallowed up by a larger plane. Happens all the time in nature

— Michael Kupperman (@MKupperman) March 19, 2014

FUN FACT: If you stretched out your intestines they would reach all the way to the cabin in the woods you were murdered in.

— dan guterman (@danguterman) March 19, 2014

"It puts the lotion on its skin" "LET ME GO, PLEASE!" "It maybe trims its eyebrows" "PLEASE!" "It shouldn't hide its pretty face" "Mom?"

— Post-Culture Review (@PostCultRev) March 19, 2014

"Why do only the good die young?" is a fun question to ask your grandparents.

— Sixth Form Poet (@sixthformpoet) March 19, 2014

Can I interest you in a pamphlet? Or maybe even a whole pamph?

— Damien Owens (@OwensDamien) March 19, 2014

Employees looking at me like I'm an idiot. You're selling collared shirts to infants, but I'm the stupid one?

— Honest Toddler (@HonestToddler) March 19, 2014

There is is a trend among my liberal friends regarding Obamacare: Some still support it, the others have actually had contact with it.

— Political Math (@politicalmath) March 18, 2014

*concludes finger puppet theatre performance* The moral of the story, children, is that I don't have a "hangover", per se, I'm still drunk.

— David A. Brock (@Dee_Aye_Bee) March 18, 2014

JOB INTERVIEW TIP: If you get asked about your biggest weakness, a good answer is whatever the writers of that sitcom wrote for you to say.

— dan guterman (@danguterman) March 18, 2014

THE HOBBIT 3: WOULD YOU LIKE SOME MORE HOBBIT? ONLY ANOTHER 3 1/2 HOURS TO GO! WHAT DO YOU MEAN, YOU'RE TIRED OF HOBBITS. THEY'RE DELIGHTFUL

— Michael Kupperman (@MKupperman) March 18, 2014

MEDICAL ETHICS Doc: If you could know how you will die, would you want to? Jock: Yes. Doc: A kick to the head. KICKS JOCK IN HEAD

— ericlinuskaplan (@ericlinuskaplan) March 18, 2014

Let's be more positive. Let's focus on all the giant airplanes that we CAN find.

— Ken Jennings (@KenJennings) March 18, 2014

WHAT DO WE WANT? I DON'T KNOW! WHEN DO WE WANT IT? SINCE THE BEGINNING OF THIS RELATIONSHIP!

— Dave Dittell 3014 (@davedittell) March 19, 2014

Remember me? The kid you bullied for being fat? Well guess what, I'm back, and fatter than ever. But now I'm wearing monster energy gear.

— michael (@michaeljhudson) March 17, 2014

To everyone at the office mad at me for forgetting to wear green—I work alone at home, so all this yelling is really starting to unnerve me.

— FrancescoMarciuliano (@fmarciuliano) March 17, 2014

Dear Mr. Obama: please do not tax my son for failing to buy insurance. He had a hardship. Signed, Epstein's Mother

— John Hayward (@Doc_0) March 17, 2014

When you guys joke about Whole Foods, know that it hurts me on a deep & personal level. That place is wonderful. I'm sorry that you're poor.

— Mom™ (@gentilecoont) March 17, 2014

Democrats: Know with absolute certainty human activity is warming the planet. Couldn't possibly calculate how many signed up for Obamacare.

— Rep. Steve Stockman (@SteveWorks4You) March 17, 2014

Fun game: 1. Write down your Flight 370 theories on 4×6 index cards. 2. On blank one on top write, "I wasted time on this." 3. All done!

— pourmecoffee (@pourmecoffee) March 17, 2014

Democracy means I get the government you deserve.

— Dan McLaughlin (@baseballcrank) March 17, 2014

Baby I had a tough day at the office, something was making my mouse wheel sticky & hard to rotate – I’m exhausted.

— Brian Gaar (@briangaar) March 17, 2014

Doesn't seem fair that only professional athletes and alcoholics get sponsors. 🙁

— Michael Ian Black (@michaelianblack) March 17, 2014

"Lucy, in the sky, with diamonds." – John Lennon, the world's worst Clue player

— Michael (@Home_Halfway) August 19, 2013

how i met your mother? more like ted talks

— ∴ dataisplural (@dataisplural) March 14, 2014

Dogs will listen to your secrets as long as you use a nice tone of voice. "Did I hit that homeless lady with my car?! Yes I did! Yes I did!"

— Matt Fernandez (@FattMernandez) March 14, 2014

im return this phone "receipt?" no, but I'm v honest. "what's wrong?" bad range "sir it's 2 tin cans and a string" a short string, bad range

— timmy pumpkin (@TimmyPumpkin) March 14, 2014

*sprays self with bear spray "Is it working am I a bear?"

— Snorklhuahua (@weinerdog4life) March 14, 2014

Memo to autocorrect: I pretty much never meant to say "wayfarer"

— Leon Wolf (@LeonHWolf) March 14, 2014

Sadly, because we keep eating the eggs, the Cadbury Creme bird has now almost become extinct.

— Obviously Just Me (@ObviouslyJustMe) March 15, 2014

My evenings are now mostly just plugging in devices.

— Danny Zuker (@DannyZuker) March 16, 2014

My superpower is never needing a scarf.

— David Hughes (@david8hughes) March 16, 2014

Say what you will about Fred Phelps, but he was a hell of a swimmer

— Fred Delicious (@Fred_Delicious) March 16, 2014

*guy is choking* what? what is that? *grabs neck & points at it* your neck? your neck is cold? *starts dying* do…DO YOU WANT A SCARF??

— sadvil (@crylenol) March 16, 2014

If government is my mom, why am I the one paying the allowance?

— David Burge (@iowahawkblog) March 13, 2014

The next season of #HouseOfCards might not film in DC and Baltimore. For tax reasons. HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA

— Jim Treacher (@jtLOL) March 13, 2014

*Jesus turns to Peter* And Peter, you shall be my rock *Peter transforms into Dwayne Johnson* Alright now stand outside heaven & look tough

— sadvil (@crylenol) March 13, 2014

Keep your doctor change your Senator. I like that slogan

— Tim Jansen (@rtimjansen) March 13, 2014

CBS News celebrates the narrow window between when Anita Hill showed sexual harassment was wrong and Bill Clinton showed it didn't matter.

— Patrick Henrys Ghost (@Pissed_Pat) March 13, 2014

I get criticizing bad journalism. But did anyone think that, forced to choose between @TedCruz and Satan, the media wouldn't back Satan?

— Just Karl (@justkarl) March 13, 2014

*takes hit of oxygen* Yeah, grandson, we tweeted it all. Space Bud and Air Jam. Diaper stuff. Didn't matter. We were invincible.

— Brandon Gutermuth (@UNTRESOR) March 14, 2014

"Cut down on other expenses if your insurance premiums increase." "Ok. I'll buy those cheaper light bulbs." "About that…" "DAMMIT BARRY!"

— Lachlan Markay (@lachlan) March 12, 2014

If someone put a gun to my head and said "Do one pull-up," I'd be like "After you shoot me, can you tweet that I did at least one"

— Brian Gaar (@briangaar) March 12, 2014

The Matrix is a sci-fi movie where humans are stuck funneling all their energy into machines and living out empty fantasies in a bleak world

— Mickey McCauley (@Mickey_McCauley) March 12, 2014

No two people pronounce chipotle the same way. # science

— Shari VanderWerf (@shariv67) March 12, 2014

What do we want?! NOW When do we want it?! I wasn't finished! AND LATERS

— Paige (@PeachCoffin) March 12, 2014

In fairness, Lance Bass is every bit the healthcare reform expert as Barack Obama.

— David Burge (@iowahawkblog) March 12, 2014

I'd rather listen to an actual deaf leopard.

— Matt Fernandez (@FattMernandez) March 12, 2014

#WaysToAffordObamaCare Quit your job and move back in with your parents.

— Daniel Snyder (@danmsnyder) March 12, 2014

Okay, I've saved enough daylight. Can we go back now?

— Jim Treacher (@jtLOL) March 12, 2014

Horror movies have taught me that when you're in a small town with creepy locals, behave as rudely as possible. WHAT CAN THEY POSSIBLY DO?

— Michael Kupperman (@MKupperman) March 12, 2014

"Ok, jokers wild!" — pretty bad tarot card reader

— Nic Cage Match, Lady (@NicCageMatch) March 13, 2014

99 bottles of craft beer on the wall, 99 bottles of craft beer, take one down and discuss its hoppiness and mouthfeel, 98 bottles of craft b

— Bucky Isotope (@BuckyIsotope) March 13, 2014

If we're going to stop labeling little girls "bossy", can we stop labeling little boys with finger guns "psychotic latent mass murderers"?

— David Burge (@iowahawkblog) March 11, 2014

Sen. Dianne Feinstein accused the CIA of spying on Senate computers. It's nice knowing they're spying on a few actual criminals.

— CC:Indecision (@indecision) March 11, 2014

GRANDPA, TELL US MORE ABOUT YOUR PROTEST DAYS IN THE 60s THAT ULTIMATELY DIDN'T CHANGE ANYTHING

— Brian Gaar (@briangaar) March 11, 2014

I am "anti-climate." It's why I live in a house.

— Ben Shapiro (@benshapiro) March 11, 2014

Missed connection: You witnessed my crime. Let's meet!

— Jocelyn Plums (@FilthyRichmond) March 11, 2014

"ooh is that fred armisen? oh, no, it's not." – something probably being said a lot at #sxsw

— Andy Levy (@andylevy) March 11, 2014

any restaurant can have a drive-thru if you aren't scared of cops

— Ace… Ace? (@AceMakesWords) March 11, 2014

To: Car companies From: Michael Re: "German engineering" Stop using this term. It still terrifies many people. XOXO, Michael

— Michael (@Home_Halfway) March 12, 2014

*skims article to get perfunctory knowledge of political event for the sole purpose of making a joke*

— MollyBloom (@ASpiker) March 10, 2014

All horses in favour of changing the noise you make say aye. all those opposed say nay. The nays have it. *frustrated horse noises*

— Brent (@murrman5) March 10, 2014

Sorry that adulthood didn't turn out to be quite like you expected, 30 year-old guy still wearing your letterman jacket.

— Bryan Donaldson (@TheNardvark) March 10, 2014

Eh? The supposed knock on Attkisson was that "bulk of [her] work since 2009" has focused on Obama? You mean like after he became President?

— Gabriel Malor (@gabrielmalor) March 10, 2014

I kept on truckin’. Now what?

— Joshua Malina (@JoshMalina) March 10, 2014

If u want to be cool but don't want to smoke cigarettes one alternative is turning your hat backwards

— jon (@senderblock23) March 10, 2014

Why hasn't Link used that Ocarina to go kill Hitler yet?

— Glenn Loury (@justabloodygame) March 10, 2014

Note: When someone says, "I have a cold," you’re not legally obligated to say, "there's something going around.”

— jon gabriel (@exjon) March 7, 2014

look fellas, I joined this gang to wear fun matching bandanas and jackets with friends. I don't know about all this crime stuff.

— lawblob (@lawblob) March 7, 2014

Catholic: religious person or someone with a feline dependency?

— The Natewolf (@thenatewolf) March 7, 2014

It's almost like Vladimir Putin doesn't understand how awesome Americans are at dance-fighting.

— Dan Ewen (@VaguelyFunnyDan) March 7, 2014

I don’t need Google Glass. I’m married so I already have someone in my peripheral vision, giving me updates and telling me what to do next.

— Damien Owens (@OwensDamien) March 7, 2014

In Dan Quayle's defense, the song about how to spell potato never cracked the Billboard 100 chart

— Political Math (@politicalmath) March 8, 2014

here's a question for people who eat apples everyday: why do u hate doctors

— EJ Gomez (@EJGomez) March 8, 2014

At some point marriage just becomes two people telling each other how tired they are.

— Sammy Rhodes (@sammyrhodes) March 8, 2014

Netflix: Don't hate a tv show's theme song? You’re about to.

— tony logan (@tnylgn) March 8, 2014

"What do I do? I flip real-estate." — tornado small talk

— Jason Miller (@longwall26) March 6, 2014

"My bed is half full." – Lonely optimist

— Sixth Form Poet (@sixthformpoet) March 6, 2014

"I'm happy for you" always seems like the nice way of saying, "Wow, I so would not have made the same choice."

— FrancescoMarciuliano (@fmarciuliano) March 6, 2014

It's fine if you don't like the NRA but running around pretending it's not winning is just pathetic

— Stephen Gutowski (@StephenGutowski) March 6, 2014

#Obummer fact: police can give you a ticket for driving TOO well. It's called Wreckless Driving.

— michael (@michaeljhudson) March 6, 2014

Monocles are making a fashion comeback. They're great for people who have trouble seeing that they look like a complete douche

— Eliza Bayne (@ElizaBayne) March 6, 2014

Welcome to the force, rookie, here's your badge and gun. And here's some Kleenex because sometimes those perps say pretty hurtful things

— Brian Gaar (@briangaar) March 6, 2014

Remember kids, there’s no such thing as a dumb question. “Um is Shrek related to the ninja turtles?” Get out of my class you stupid idiot.

— Rob Fee (@robfee) March 7, 2014

Read a web commenter who informed the author “I stopped reading after the second subject-verb error.” Is he available for parties?

— daveweigel (@daveweigel) March 5, 2014

Maybe we shouldn't pay pensions to govt retirees who plea the 5th when questioned about their job activities.

— David Burge (@iowahawkblog) March 5, 2014

Just overheard a girl on her phone say "I can't. I'm crazy busy today." Our eyes met and she knew that I knew she isn't crazy busy today.

— Ted Alexandro (@tedalexandro) March 5, 2014

He died doing what he loved, flicking the ears of Russian mobsters and asking if he was pronouncing their names correctly.

— Sixth Form Poet (@sixthformpoet) March 5, 2014

Aint no party like a west coast party because any other party wouldnt be on the west coast so geographically speaking this statement is true

— Michael (@Home_Halfway) March 5, 2014

Girls in white dresses with blue satin sashes Snowflakes that stay on my nose & eyelashes Silver white winters that melt into springs Boobs

— Shari VanderWerf (@shariv67) March 5, 2014

Replace the SAT with the Kobayashi Maru!

— Jonah Goldberg (@JonahNRO) March 5, 2014

Salon is like a conservative fantasy of an idiotic left-wing site

— John Podhoretz (@jpodhoretz) March 5, 2014

Scariest thing about the latest 0bama polls is that 39% of the people out there think he's doing a good job. Of what? Writing them checks?

— Neal Boortz (@Talkmaster) March 5, 2014

Is Obama's strategy to make the Republicans seem ineffectual by doing a far better job at stopping Obamacare than they can?

— Popehat (@Popehat) March 6, 2014

*walks into a bar covered in bruises* You should see the other guys! “That the one with Will Ferrell?” Yup. Great movie.

— Cool Pillow (@GoodNaps) March 4, 2014

Just read on somebody's Twitter bio: "Endorsed on LinkedIn." Which is the same as saying "Rejected in Reality."

— Michael Ian Black (@michaelianblack) March 4, 2014

Man Becomes Better, More Thoughtful Person After Being Screamed At Online

— Ann Boobus (@a_girl_irl) March 4, 2014

"I only want to appear in movies from now on that are murky, horribly lit pieces of garbage. Really awful"- John Cusack, a few years ago

— Michael Kupperman (@MKupperman) March 5, 2014

The more vague your job title sounds, the more I assume you're a high profile assassin.

— Matt Fernandez (@FattMernandez) March 3, 2014

Obama’s presidency in a nutshell: Over-involved at home. Under-involved abroad.

— Ben Howe (@BenHowe) March 3, 2014

It'll be wonderful when my life flashes before my eyes because it's gonna be so much good TV.

— Rory (@rorynotroy) March 3, 2014

A selfie, but with a loaded gun.

— Fun_Beard (@Fun_Beard) March 3, 2014

If you haven't thought about it for a while, the fact that George Clooney and Val Kilmer played Batman feels like something you imagined.

— Damien Owens (@OwensDamien) March 3, 2014

They get a bad rap but a locked car is a pretty effective babysitter october-march

— Jeffrey Hadz (@Hadzilla) March 3, 2014

FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren't for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.

— Jason Miller (@longwall26) March 4, 2014

"Better Ingredients, Better Pizza." – list of things I fantasize about while eating Papa Johns

— Chase Mitchell (@ChaseMit) March 4, 2014