I'm like a wild animal, girl… I'm more scared of you than you are of me.

— The Natewolf (@thenatewolf) January 30, 2013

No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries

— Blind Chow (@BlindChow) February 27, 2014

When I heard them say "John Mayer Trio," I got scared for a second that there was more than one of him.

— Greenfield-Sanders (@Liliana) February 28, 2014

All you really need to understand about the 90′s is that there were two super popular bands with the word “verve” in them.

— Sammy Rhodes (@sammyrhodes) March 1, 2014

gravity won…but enough about my wife

— Horton Atonto (@crushingbort) March 3, 2014

without the hard work of editors, every movie would be wolf of wall street #oscars

— Andy Levy (@andylevy) March 3, 2014

Between "Django" last year and "12 Years" this year, slavery has never been hotter!!!

— Michael Ian Black (@michaelianblack) March 3, 2014

God: I need an Ark built. *Jesus lowers sunglasses* Jesus: I Noah guy.

— Master Penguin (@transvagmesh) February 27, 2014

Damn girl are you a McGriddle because I can only have you if my wife won't find out

— Brian Essbe (@SortaBad) February 27, 2014

*slams fists on coffee table* WHAT WAS SCAR FROM LION KINGS NAME BEFORE HE GOT THE SCAR

— EJ Gomez (@EJGomez) February 27, 2014

Hey computers, I'm sending an email without a subject, not launching a nuclear warhead. No need for the, "ARE YOU SURE!?!"

— Damien Fahey (@DamienFahey) February 27, 2014

If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.

— noog (@noog) February 27, 2014

When it comes to cologne, your two main scent options are: "grandfather" and "date rapist".

— Mike Leffingwell (@mikeleffingwell) February 25, 2014

every time you adopt an orphan you significantly decrease their chance of becoming batman

— dan (@oxygenplug) February 25, 2014

is that a bitcoin in your pocket or are your arousal levels wildly fluctuating?

— rstevens 3.01 (@rstevens) February 26, 2014

I'm sorry son but your dog went to live on a farm. It's where all dead dogs go. It's a dead dog farm. It's really gross lol

— Jeffrey Hadz (@Hadzilla) February 26, 2014

I have a Homer Simpson potholder. It hasn't been funny for years. Either.

— Nap Enthusiast (@MetricButtload) February 27, 2014

I don't want a car that gets more than 60 miles per gallon, I want a government that gets more than 3 hours per billion.

— David Burge (@iowahawkblog) February 18, 2014

Where are the people who describe themselves as religious but not spiritual?

— Uncle Dynamite (@UncleDynamite) February 18, 2014

Saw a guy in an electric wheelchair try to cross a flooded street and my Oregon Trail experience told me he was about to lose his supplies

— Brian Essbe (@SortaBad) February 19, 2014

YOU FOOL! THE GLUTEN-FREE CUPCAKE WAS ON YOUR PLATE ALL ALONG!

— Fred Delicious (@Fred_Delicious) February 19, 2014

A guy that tells bad jokes, one that likes birds, one that collects coins & one who enjoys puzzles. Batman you're fighting an old folks home

— Nick Ross (@NickBossRoss) February 19, 2014

US authorities issued new warnings about shoe bombs on airplanes, because one of their top fruitcakes had a dream about them or something

— Michael Kupperman (@MKupperman) February 19, 2014

Take a minute to yell at a teen today.

— Tim Siedell (@badbanana) February 20, 2014

how exactly does one look a baby directly in the eye and name him Stanley

— chuuch (@ch000ch) February 22, 2014

When I was your age, we had to walk all the way to the mailbox for our Netflix *puffs pipe* yerp, seasons came 1 disc at a time back then

— sadvil (@crylenol) February 24, 2014

Harry Potter's invisibility cloak would be great for when you say goodbye to someone and start walking the same direction as them.

— Michael (@Home_Halfway) February 24, 2014

I don't want a car that gets more than 60 miles per gallon, I want a government that gets more than 3 hours per billion.

— David Burge (@iowahawkblog) February 18, 2014

White House: Don't listen to the CBO. We prefer the economists who said the stimulus would give us 5% unemployment by 2014.

— Political Math (@politicalmath) February 18, 2014

First off, I didn't "burn down" your tree house. I cut down the tree and the house happened to fall into a fire I set separately.

— Matt Roller (@rolldiggity) February 18, 2014

Saw a guy in an electric wheelchair try to cross a flooded street and my Oregon Trail experience told me he was about to lose his supplies

— Brian Essbe (@SortaBad) February 19, 2014

The concept of human love was invented by greeting card companies to make money

— Michael Kupperman (@MKupperman) February 14, 2014

I hate when I show up to a bank robbery and another guy is wearing the same Nixon mask.

— Viktor Winetrout, Jr (@Cpin42) February 14, 2014

"No matter how hard or how high, I'll always be there to catch you when you fall." -the ground

— Joss Whedon (@josswhedon) February 14, 2014

If Comcast buys Time Warner I really could see holding on the phone for 3 to 5 weeks.

— Albert Brooks (@AlbertBrooks) February 15, 2014

One thing the Jetsons didn't predict about the future is all the different flavors of hummus.

— Avery Monsen (@averymonsen) February 16, 2014

Kindle is actually a terrible name for something that's so like a book and yet is so much harder to set on fire.

— Sixth Form Poet (@sixthformpoet) February 16, 2014

Comedy is mostly taking your pain from childhood trauma and pretending it was caused by stuff at airports.

— Shari VanderWerf (@shariv67) February 16, 2014

damn girl are you a Cool Action Movie Hero & im an explosion? cause you won't even look at me

— EJ Gomez (@EJGomez) February 17, 2014

What idiot decided to call it "Hoth" instead of "Coldth"?

— Death Star PR (@DeathStarPR) February 17, 2014

I smell sex and candy, here / who had sex in my candy, chair

— michael (@michaeljhudson) February 18, 2014

I hope Lil Kim names her baby Lil'er Kim

— trudy smoke (@jaimebc) February 13, 2014

Calm down, people who fall off mountains and die

— Michael (@Home_Halfway) February 13, 2014

why do microwaves blare like car alarms just because a $1 burrito is warm? of all the things to loudly warn me about that seems low priority

— lawblob (@lawblob) February 13, 2014

I hear that @PiersMorgan is suing Dyson, on the grounds that HE was the first sackless vacuum.

— Chris Barnhart (@ChrisBarnhart) February 13, 2014

If I had my druthers, I'd be like, what are these. What are druthers and why do I have them.

— Sean Thomason (@TheThomason) February 14, 2014

"You know what this record is missing? 30 second snippets of me talking to my friends between every track" – rappers

— Fred Delicious (@Fred_Delicious) February 12, 2014

Hey groups of white guys hanging out in TV commercials: don't forget to hang out with that one black guy you always hang out with

— Eli Braden (@EliBraden) February 12, 2014

9/11 was an outside job, but only because it was contracted out. Bush hired Al-Qaeda to be more cost effective. He was a good President.

— America (@doctorveritas) February 11, 2014

To understand the latest rewrites, think of ObamaCare as a giraffe, and Obama as a Danish zookeeper.

— John Hayward (@Doc_0) February 11, 2014

Obama: "There's no country where we have a no-spy agreement." The United States doesn't even have a no-spy agreement with the United States.

— CC:Indecision (@indecision) February 11, 2014

Whenever a magician says, "A good magician never reveals his secret!", put a hand on his shoulder and whisper, "Is it loneliness?"

— Matt Roller (@rolldiggity) February 11, 2014

Whenever I'm upset that I don't have a girlfriend I just remember the many other more glaring setbacks in my life.

— Tyler Schmall (@tylerschmall) February 11, 2014

I'll accept Count Chocula & Frankenberry, but Human Centipuffs is going too far.

— Michael Kupperman (@MKupperman) February 12, 2014

Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I'm describing him.

— Michael (@Home_Halfway) February 9, 2014

My coworkers really appreciate the (anatomically correct) candy hearts i brought to work that say "don't subscribe to the valentine's myth"

— a good man (@MichaelSmartGuy) February 10, 2014

Hello silence my old friend Check out the noise from my rear end

— Michael Kupperman (@MKupperman) February 10, 2014

Do adults who say their favorite book his The Hunger Games know they can get their GED and then read all sorts of other books?

— Fun_Beard (@Fun_Beard) February 11, 2014

My agent finally came through. Booked me on @jayleno next week.

— Pat Sajak (@patsajak) February 7, 2014

Can't wait for Costas to host tonight's eye opening ceremonies.

— Alec Sulkin (@thesulk) February 7, 2014

‘Talk dirtily to me’ – Grammar Nazi pervert.

— Damien Owens (@OwensDamien) February 7, 2014

I checked my bed for monsters but found nary a one. Yeah, the boogeyman was under there but name one monstrous thing he's done.

— Mickey McCauley (@Mickey_McCauley) February 7, 2014

"What is the messiest possible delivery mechanism for this marinara?" - The origins of spaghetti

— Everyday Hobo (@UpscaleHobo) February 8, 2014

Subway's new thing is they put Fritos on a sandwich? We've all really given up, haven't we.

— Sean Thomason (@TheThomason) February 8, 2014

People get weird if you babysit without being asked.

— David Hughes (@david8hughes) February 8, 2014

i believe in a higher power (airwolf)

— jon hendren (@fart) February 5, 2014

"You're gonna like the way you look, or you're gonna have to drink this year-old milk." ~ Men's Darehouse

— Michael (@Home_Halfway) February 5, 2014

Job-lock prevents funemployment, I guess.

— Nathan Wurtzel (@NathanWurtzel) February 5, 2014

I don't care how I end up as long as my Wikipedia page has a section marked "Tank Rampage".

— Patrick Brennan (@Pat_Bren) February 5, 2014

The Sochi Olympics have accomplished what Stalin couldn't – the American press is reporting unfavorably on Russia.

— Leon Wolf (@LeonHWolf) February 5, 2014

Mark Zuckerberg makes me long for the era of billionaires wearing top hats and monocles.

— Anthony Bialy (@AnthonyBialy) February 5, 2014

"the lego movie" opens on friday and will remain in theaters until dad steps on one in bare feet and gets so mad he throws them all away

— john freiler (@johnfreiler) February 5, 2014

That lady's pretty but she's no spring chicken. Certainly no barn owl. My birdlust clouds my vision to be honest.

— Ceej (@ceejoyner) February 5, 2014

Now if we could just get CVS to stop carrying Axe Body Spray.

— Sammy Rhodes (@sammyrhodes) February 6, 2014

I don't want to alarm you but WOO WOO WOO WOO WOO BEEP BEEP BEEP HONK HONK HONK WOO WOO WOO

— inmynewskin (@inmynewskin) February 6, 2014

The bank robber points his gun and says, "I'm offering you a new option. Put the money in the bag."

— David Freddoso (@freddoso) February 6, 2014

"He's a retired Croatian MMA fighter…and HE'S a wise cracking bird detective. Don't miss Crocop and Crow Cop, coming to DVD, Spring 2014"

— michael (@michaeljhudson) February 4, 2014

If the bald eagle sees his shadow on the 4th of July, there's six more weeks of America.

— Sam_Reginald (@sam_reginald) February 4, 2014

"I choo-choo-choose less hours!" – part time Ralph Wiggum.

— Cuffé (@CuffyMeh) February 4, 2014

So I'm thinking this direct-to-video sequel to the unnecessary reboot of Fright Night must be pretty darn good, yes?

— Stephen Green (@VodkaPundit) February 3, 2014

*every country in the world meeting* "We have decided that flying your flag upside down will indicate distress" *japan looks all mad*

— Brent (@murrman5) February 3, 2014

I’ve cracked open 83 turtles and not one pearl so far. This sucks.

— Bucky Isotope (@BuckyIsotope) February 3, 2014

Liam Neeson wants to join Twitter. *types username LiamNeeson* "Sorry that username is Taken." *calls Twitter* I have a particular set of sk

— Reverend Scott (@Reverend_Scott) January 31, 2014

Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.

— Ceej (@ceejoyner) January 31, 2014

So far my favorite villain in the Superman/Batman movie is the casting director.

— Steve Amiri (@SteveAmiri) January 31, 2014

Opposite Ben Affleck, Jeremy Irons will be the 1st Alfred that's more intimidating than Batman.

— Matt Fernandez (@FattMernandez) January 31, 2014

Jesse Eisenberg will be playing the new Lex Luthor and Superman ends up defeating him by putting him in a room with a cute girl

— Eliza Bayne (@ElizaBayne) January 31, 2014

I play the saxophone slow and sensually for you. Sensually because that's the only way I play it. Slow because I'm just learning.

— Brent (@murrman5) January 31, 2014

Wanna feel old? *hands you an antique vase*

— OhNoSheTwitnt (@OhNoSheTwitnt) February 1, 2014

Never heard of a "tripping" penalty before. Guess that's what happens when you legalize marijuana.

— James Taranto (@jamestaranto) February 3, 2014

Judging from the amount of flags in an average football game, the hardest part about the sport has to be remembering how to play it.

— John Cheese (@johncheese) February 3, 2014

The Denver Broncos have only scored eight more points than Bruno Mars

— Paul Geraghty (@fuimfunny) February 3, 2014

If its in London will they still call it 24 or will they be using the metric system?

— mitrebox (@mitrebox) February 3, 2014