*courtroom goes silent as the judge slams gavel repeatedly* oh, carry on guys. just putting this desk together.

— chuuch (@ch000ch) January 30, 2014

Great news! Discovery Channel picked up my series, where I fly around the world blowing bong hits into dangerous animal's faces.

— Matt Fernandez (@FattMernandez) January 30, 2014

Ladies call me decaf because nobody wants me but they'll take me if there's nothing else. Also there's no real purpose for my existence.

— Mike Bianchi (@Mike_Bianchi) January 30, 2014

No one loves animals more than me. If I see a cat cough up a hairball, I make sure to put it back in

— sweaty five dollars (@iscoff) January 30, 2014

why am i the only one who remembers the mentos ad where they burn the cross on the lawn and then they show the mentos and everything's okay

— john freiler (@johnfreiler) January 31, 2014

One more question, Mr. President. If Mario was invincible and he petted a dog, would it kill the dog?

— Sean Thomason (@TheThomason) January 31, 2014

Bill Ayers. Nothing sadder than a revolutionary on a pension. You never saw Emiliano Zapata at a CVS counter arguing about an EDD co-pay.

— Dennis Miller Show (@DennisDMZ) January 31, 2014

the first rule of martyr club is unfortunate

— @Smashmouth (@HumanPog) January 29, 2014

Ugh, I called my manager Randy "mommy" again in our meeting.

— Beau Hartenstine (@madcaplaughs30) January 29, 2014

Always give 100%, unless you're donating blood.

— MancowMuller (@MancowMuller) January 29, 2014

There's a DC cartoon called Crisis on Two Earths. When I was a kid, we had Crisis on INFINITE Earths. Damn this economy.

— Sean Thomason (@TheThomason) January 29, 2014

Everyone prefers snails to slugs. A clear case of discrimination against the homeless.

— Damien Owens (@OwensDamien) January 29, 2014

“Hey forget about it” – bad therapist from new york

— jon (@senderblock23) January 29, 2014

Wait, it's illegal to punch children? How else are you supposed to teach them that their taste in music is wrong?

— John Cheese (@johncheese) January 30, 2014

MSNBC's apology makes it sound their twitter feed operates autonomously. Bleep blop Republicans R racist beep oops sry

— Katie McHugh (@k_mcq) January 30, 2014

don't take "Free Candy" from vans. its not free, its just no-money-down, no interest for 1yr, then u get an expensive bill in the mail

— lawblob (@lawblob) January 28, 2014

when i can't sleep i start counting all the sheep that have betrayed me

— Tooth Faery (@thetoothfaery) January 28, 2014

Straw man holocaust #SOTUinthreewords

— Leon Wolf (@LeonHWolf) January 28, 2014

Look, one of my best friends works at Sea World and he assures me that he only practices choke holds on the seals when he drinks.

— Dan Ewen (@VaguelyFunnyDan) January 28, 2014

It puts the lotion in the basket or else it gets the attendant called – Self-checkout lanes

— Bucky Isotope (@BuckyIsotope) January 28, 2014

Guy who keeps saying Washington doesn't work has an 80% approval rating there. If only these things could be connected somehow…

— S.M (@redsteeze) January 28, 2014

Q: What did Joe Biden get on his SATs? A: Drool.

— David Burge (@iowahawkblog) January 28, 2014

I sleep in my Hulk hands. It's the only thing that stops the night terrors.

— Matt Fernandez (@FattMernandez) January 28, 2014

A suit is like a "better person" costume.

— Alex Baze (@bazecraze) January 28, 2014

Keep waiting for Boehner to press a button, send Obama into space, and sing an Oompa-Loompa morality song about taking other people's money.

— John Nolte (@NolteNC) January 29, 2014

It's sexist that Democrats didn't let a woman give the #SOTU.

— jon gabriel (@exjon) January 29, 2014

The Jerk Store called. They said there was a massive security breach and hackers stole your credit card information

— Froghammer (@froghammer) January 27, 2014

"I'm drunk!" – Kool Aid man's last words

— Mary Charlene (@IamEnidColeslaw) January 27, 2014

A good way to demoralize a horse would be to make it pull a wagon carrying a bunch of better dressed horses.

— Matt Roller (@rolldiggity) January 27, 2014

Style guide: "Talking about issues" is good. "Looking for a chance to dialogue" is worse than whatever you're offended about.

— Sean Thomason (@TheThomason) January 27, 2014

I thought buying a pair of nunchucks in high school was going to change everything.

— Will Kane (@3rdand10) January 27, 2014

Jealous that when my kids look up nostalgic videos from THEIR youth on YouTube decades from now, they'll all be 1080p.

— Bill Amend (@billamend) January 25, 2014

Separating conjoined twins is a complicated operation. That's why when I explain the risks to you both, I need your undivided attention.

— Brent (@murrman5) January 25, 2014

I believe that children are the future Shave their heads and teach them about Xxysdk 2398

— Michael Kupperman (@MKupperman) January 26, 2014

Next Monday is Chinese Martin Luther King Day.

— Mike Leffingwell (@mikeleffingwell) January 26, 2014

I saw a very large black Great Dane who he ran up to sniff me. I would have been scared except man domesticated dogs thousands of years ago

— Horton Atonto (@crushingbort) January 23, 2014

Marijuana is not harmful, claims aimless, lazy president who used to smoke marijuana

— Anthony Bialy (@AnthonyBialy) January 23, 2014

Amazon .com won't replace bookstores because nobody ever pretends to look at a few books at Amazon just so they can poop there.

— Ken Jennings (@KenJennings) January 23, 2014

evrey time god orders food at a sporbts bar, an angel gets his wings

— jomny sun (@jonnysun) January 23, 2014

I think Wendy Davis might soon announce that she needs to quit the gubernatorial race to spend more time with her @MSNBC

— SquatchPride69 (@AceofSpadesHQ) January 23, 2014

Oh great, now I can look forward to blog comments and emails about how great it is that I've been indicted.

— Ramesh Ponnuru (@RameshPonnuru) January 23, 2014

*starts throwing up gang signs* I shouldn't have eaten so many gang signs

— sweaty five dollars (@iscoff) January 22, 2014

President Infanticide said abortion "allows women to fulfill their dreams". This is what pure evil looks like.

— Stevie J. West (@StevieJWest) January 22, 2014

Quentin Tarantino flew into a coke-fueled rage, scrapping his latest project after someone sent him a tweet saying, "Simpsons did it."

— Shari VanderWerf (@shariv67) January 22, 2014

It’s so sad when a prisoner escapes and everyone thinks about the danger to society and not the poor lonely room-mate he left behind.

— Sixth Form Poet (@sixthformpoet) January 22, 2014

“@UberFacts: Blueberries can help improve your memory.” Unless you forget to buy them.

— Nathan Fillion (@NathanFillion) January 22, 2014

We couldn't have won without our coach, the Wicked Witch! *Scarecrow secretly winks at Tin Man, who quietly lifts water cooler behind her*

— patrick (@tastefactory) January 22, 2014

Wendy Davis needs a man like a fish needs a rich bicycle that will pay its way through fish law school and take full custody of its spawn.

— jon gabriel (@exjon) January 21, 2014

Hired Wendy Davis PR firm to redo my bio. Turns out I was orphaned. Then reform school, migrant worker. Very inspiring.

— Pat Sajak (@patsajak) January 21, 2014

deep inside every single one us is a noise reserved purely for when you almost hit yourself in the face with an iPad

— k e e t (@KeetPotato) January 21, 2014

Seems like J.D. Power should've bumped one of his Associates up to partner by now.

— Sean Thomason (@TheThomason) January 21, 2014

Greed, in the mouth of a politician, always means "wanting to keep your own money"; it never means "wanting to be given someone else's".

— Daniel Hannan (@DanHannanMEP) January 21, 2014

I WAS LEGALLY DEAD FOR 30 MIN & SAW HEAVEN sir, you were taking a nap in the radioshack bathro— HEAVEN LOOKS LIKE THE BATHROOM AT RADIOSHACK

— Mike Rosenthal (@VectorBelly) January 21, 2014

REVIEW Twister (1996) ⭐️⭐️ Enjoyable but not at all faithful to the source material. A tornado? How random. Clue was much better.

— The Ruffalo Shuffle (@RuffaloShuffle) January 22, 2014

Obama's plan for reforming the NSA is basically, spying will continue is usual, but they'll feel super weird about it.

— CC:Indecision (@indecision) January 17, 2014

IF YOU LIKE YOUR PRIVACY…

— Phil Kerpen (@kerpen) January 17, 2014

Take this quiz! Which two-dimensional TV character written by a socially-challenged depressive are YOU?

— Michael Kupperman (@MKupperman) January 17, 2014

"Looks like an open & shut case sarge" "Yes, yes, a suitcase I believe they're called. Very nice. Holy crap there's a dead body next to it"

— Fred Delicious (@Fred_Delicious) January 20, 2014

a popcorn is like a tiny litle firework u can eat :]

— jomny sun (@jonnysun) January 10, 2014

Hey, fat guy at CVS buying a giant heart-shaped box of Valentine's Day candy. You're not fooling us.

— Tim Siedell (@badbanana) January 10, 2014

Before we blame Chris Christie, remember Batman closed a bridge to stop fear toxins and Picard completely detached his bridge once

— Wonderella (@wonderella) January 10, 2014

You miss 100% of the explosions you don't walk away from slowly.

— MJ (@sucittaM) January 10, 2014

just wait until google buys one of those smart door lock companies and then you’ll have to watch an ad to get into your house

— dankey kang (@dcseifert) January 13, 2014

What a surprise, TIM Magazine's Person of the Year is, once again, Tim

— Tuff Ghost (@whitegirlfish) January 13, 2014

I'm so gay my Wikipedia page has a "Personal life" section

— sillytits (@vonoink) January 16, 2014

No one is both your best friend and your mortal enemy like the snooze button.

— Sammy Rhodes (@sammyrhodes) January 16, 2014

TO DO LIST: 1. Make to-do list: ✓ 2. Check off first item: ✓ 3. Accomplish three things today: ✓

— Jon Henke (@JonHenke) January 16, 2014

Do you think the Muppets will ever give Manhattan back? I'd really like to go there but I'm a human being.

— Brandon Gutermuth (@UNTRESOR) January 9, 2014

We're trying really hard to be classy, but Chris Christie just mentioned his workout routine. Why is he doing this to us?!

— CC:Indecision (@indecision) January 9, 2014

New Jersey really looks bad this morning. #evergreentweets

— David Burge (@iowahawkblog) January 9, 2014

Christie: "I don't know if this was a political vendetta that morphed into a traffic study." That's the worst Transformer in history.

— Ben Greenman (@bengreenman) January 9, 2014

Haven't seen this many liberals calling for accountability in government since Bush was in office. Where y'all been? Missed ya.

— Colin Ake (@colinake) January 9, 2014

A sequel to "Paul Blart: Mall Cop" is in the works. It'll be called "Paul Blart: Kevin James Gets Realistic About His Career Options".

— MancowMuller (@MancowMuller) January 9, 2014

Excellent reason to vote Republican: the media cares about abuse of power scandals when they're in office.

— John Hayward (@Doc_0) January 9, 2014

"This call may be monitored or recorded." I think this goes without saying these days.

— James Lileks (@Lileks) January 9, 2014

If Chris Christie had blocked people from entering New Jersey he’d be a hero.

— Conan O'Brien (@ConanOBrien) January 9, 2014

You mistake me. I told you to grow a pear. The perseverance required to nurture the tree to maturity will teach you how to be a man. Namaste

— Mickey McCauley (@Mickey_McCauley) January 9, 2014

no mom im in a gang now so just pick me at 7:30 not 7

— EJ Gomez (@EJGomez) January 9, 2014

Ugh I hate fake fans. Everybody here is standing up & singing along to his big hit, but probably cant name 3 other Francis Scott Key songs.

— Rob Fee (@robfee) January 9, 2014

Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you're here?” from list of first date small talk questions.

— Troutman (@robotrowboat) January 9, 2014

Wanna feel old? Kids born in 2001 can drink beer if they have a cool dad.

— Mike Scollins (@mikescollins) January 9, 2014

"I'm training for a marathon!" – lunatics

— Fun_Beard (@Fun_Beard) January 10, 2014

"Wear oven mitts and handle carefully like it's hot" ~ Responsible rapper

— Michael (@Home_Halfway) January 8, 2014

My 20-year-plan is to have the phrase "prominent horticulturalist" included in my obituary. So I can either become one or murder one.

— Colm Tobin (@colmtobin) January 8, 2014

"Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby." – worst cocktail recipe ever

— Sixth Form Poet (@sixthformpoet) January 8, 2014

The most dangerous game of all is man, but Metroid was also pretty tough.

— Sean Thomason (@TheThomason) January 8, 2014

So Obama is going to lecture us on poverty after returning from a $4 million taxpayer funded Hawaii vacation? How socialist of him! #tcot

— Alexis In VT (@AlexisinVT) January 7, 2014

Grammy, I had your portrait done. Sorry about the teardrop tat but the police sketch artist was starting to doubt you were a mugger.

— Ceej (@ceejoyner) January 7, 2014

Who’s your favourite James Bond? Mine is Ian Fleming’s fictional spy.

— Damien Owens (@OwensDamien) January 7, 2014

Remember the "cool kids table" in high school, except only those kids thought they were cool? That's MSNBC in a nutshell.

— David Henry (@imau2fan) January 7, 2014

"hey, we caught Bin Laden" oh wow *looks around* where is he then? "oh um, we uhh.. threw him in the sea.. it was definitely him though"

— k e e t (@KeetPotato) January 6, 2014

Job interview tip: Let the interviewer know that if you wanted them dead, you'd have done so before you even entered the room.

— Michael (@Home_Halfway) January 6, 2014

Nice try, climate deniers. Just imagine how much worse it would be right now if the Earth WASN'T getting warmer!

— Jim Treacher (@jtLOL) January 6, 2014

Santa Fe means Saint Iron

— michael (@michaeljhudson) January 6, 2014

Can you imagine if MacGyver wanted to kill himself no one would have been able to stop him.

— Sean Gabay (@ixSEANxi) January 6, 2014

People who write obsessively about politics don't care about you; they care about other people who write obsessively about politics.

— Dave Barry (@rayadverb) January 6, 2014

I'm not saying I was poor but my favourite toy as a kid was a brick. Of gold. I wasn't poor

— sweaty five dollars (@iscoff) January 3, 2014

"Give me the lute! Give me the lute! Give me the lute!" – Ye Olde Biggie Smalls

— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) January 3, 2014

Zoos would be WAY cooler if they all had signs out front that said "Prisoners of WWIII: Animals vs. Humans."

— Matt Roller (@rolldiggity) January 3, 2014

I’ve memorized all the digits of pi. Just not in the right order.

— Al Yankovic (@alyankovic) January 3, 2014

The Great Wall of China can be seen from space but if I were you, I'd just go to China.

— David Hughes (@david8hughes) January 3, 2014

Surviving 2014 should be easy as long as bitcoins are edible.

— Anthony Bialy (@AnthonyBialy) January 3, 2014

Sharpton always sounds like he's as surprised by what he's saying as you are.

— Caleb Howe (@CalebHowe) January 4, 2014