I caught part of that Steve Jobs movie with Ashton Kutcher. Apparently, when he was a young man, he lost his car & had to go looking for it.

— Michael Kupperman (@MKupperman) January 2, 2014

I live life in the fast lane. Constantly worried the person behind me doesn't think I'm going fast enough.

— Tyler Schmall (@tylerschmall) January 2, 2014

if you kill your identical twin they can't tell who was the murderer and who was the victim so you officially get off scot free

— Dave Dittell 3014 (@davedittell) January 2, 2014

"Oh what fun it is to ride in a one-horse open sleigh." NICE TRY ONE-HORSE OPEN SLEIGH LOBBY.

— Tim Siedell (@badbanana) December 20, 2013

TV IDEA: Parents are shown a table holding all the money they've ever spent on their child. They then get to choose the money or the child.

— Sixth Form Poet (@sixthformpoet) December 20, 2013

there's no worse sign on earth than someone promising you it'll all be okay

— Dave Dittell 3014 (@davedittell) December 20, 2013

Girl, are you the point system in Super Mario? Because nobody cares about you.

— Nick Ross (@NickBossRoss) December 23, 2013

Sir, we need you to leave the drum circle. Because you've been drumming "READ AYN RAND" in Morse code for the last hour, that's why

— Brian Gaar (@briangaar) December 23, 2013

Traditional nutcrackers, good at: looking creepy. Terrible at: cracking nuts.

— Bill Corbett (@BillCorbett) December 23, 2013

Let's name these birds! Um, blue birds. Red birds. Those are black. Black birds. Okay, that was easy. Thanks for coming, everybody.

— Jason Miller (@longwall26) December 23, 2013

Can we compromise and agree the Bible says gay sex isn't sinful if it's done solely for the purpose of procreation?

— Lee Stranahan (@Stranahan) December 24, 2013

"Have yourself a merry little Christmas" is a deeply sarcastic sounding lyric

— Cohen is a ghost (@skullmandible) December 25, 2013

If the Antarctic ice entrapping the "climate scientists" is irrelevant data about climate, why did they go there in the first place?

— David Burge (@iowahawkblog) December 31, 2013

A fun thing to do is kidnapping someone and asking them what their favorite song by the Crash Test Dummies is after taping their mouth shut

— The Ruffalo Shuffle (@RuffaloShuffle) January 2, 2014

For all of you outraged at Phil Robertson…remember, he just stated his opinion. It's not like he cancelled millions of people's insurance.

— Matt (@Matthops82) December 19, 2013

At the birth of Jesus, a shepherd created the first hymn to mark the occasion. We still sing it today: "Have A Holly Jolly Christmas"

— Michael Kupperman (@MKupperman) December 19, 2013

As much as libs despise Putin's anti-gay policies, ironically, they share much of his totalitarian impulses.

— Jason Mattera (@JasonMattera) December 19, 2013

My new baby cousin is named Silas. Poor boy. Destined to rob trains.

— michael (@michaeljhudson) December 19, 2013

I wore pajamas, drank hot chocolate, talked about health insurance & somehow that gets you kicked out of Home Depot. pic.twitter.com/6b1l5A9ZUg

— Michael J Nelson (@michaeljnelson) December 19, 2013

Santa is not white, but George Zimmerman is, get it now?

— Meta World Data (@Pqlyur1) December 19, 2013

@AceofSpadesHQ @allahpundit "Die Hard isn't a Christmas movie" is the new "I don't even own a TV"

— Andy Levy (@andylevy) December 19, 2013

There's no sound more beautiful than a child's laughter, and none more annoying than a teenager's.

— MYRRH-ke ELF-ingwell (@mikeleffingwell) December 19, 2013

In ten years we'll be called homophobic for not being gay.

— John Nolte (@NolteNC) December 19, 2013

"Die Hard" isn't a Christmas movie. "Die Hard" is a Festivus movie about the airing of grievances and feats of strength.

— jon gabriel (@exjon) December 20, 2013

"You're in no position to be making demands." *finishes handstand* "Helicopter." "Fair enough."

— David Hughes (@david8hughes) December 18, 2013

"Quit making that awful face!" — Dr. Frankenstein's mom

— sweaty five dollars (@iscoff) December 18, 2013

Do people who order hamburgers even know cheeseburgers exist?

— SKAdam the Lobster (@AdamTheLobster) December 18, 2013

I crash weddings just to get a chance to dance with the bride & whisper "You should have been mine…" before quickly exiting the reception.

— Michael (@Home_Halfway) December 18, 2013

A Keurig machine but instead you measure spoonfuls of coffee into it depending on how many cups of coffee you would like to make.

— Fun_Beard (@Fun_Beard) December 18, 2013

You should hear how he feels about gay ducks.

— Chase Mitchell (@ChaseMit) December 19, 2013

IMMORTAL KOMBAT ROUND 749 FIGHT!!!!

— dubstep4dads (@dubstep4dads) December 19, 2013

If you're having girl problems I feel bad for you, son / I've got 99 cents and want a $4 Cinnabon

— Shari VanderWerf (@shariv67) December 19, 2013

Shia HUSSEIN LaBeouf

— victoria (@theblowout) December 19, 2013

A great gift idea to give someone on a first date is a framed portrait of the two of you, surrounded by your many future children.

— Michael (@Home_Halfway) December 17, 2013

You must be the second verse of a Christmas carol, girl, because I hate everyone who knows you.

— Jason Miller (@longwall26) December 17, 2013

29 years on earth and i've yet to find the right water temperature to wash my hands

— john freiler (@johnfreiler) December 17, 2013

The way I pronounced “prix fixe” should be enough for you to figure out that I can’t afford to eat here.

— Bryan Donaldson (@TheNardvark) December 17, 2013

We can all agree that Frosty the Snowman is white though, right?

— Fun_Beard (@Fun_Beard) December 17, 2013

I wonder if Guy Fieri realizes how vulnerable he is to a deep-fried grenade attack?

— Andy Richter (@AndyRichter) December 17, 2013

Face it, we handed the keys of the world's greatest superpower to the winners of a 4th grade poster contest.

— David Burge (@iowahawkblog) December 17, 2013

“Have they improved the illustrations in ‘The Notekins’?”, thought the guy slowly losing his mind having the Baby First channel on too much.

— John Ekdahl (@JohnEkdahl) December 18, 2013

Nasty, brutish, and short. Like a Tweet.

— Nein. (@NeinQuarterly) December 18, 2013

look, i watched your kids for you. you should have been more specific if that meant more than watching them run off into the night

— chuuch (@ch000ch) December 18, 2013

Bitcoin fact: they contain the souls of college students who defaulted on their student loans

— Bill Corbett (@BillCorbett) December 16, 2013

What makes it extra virgin? *olives hanging out in their mom's basement playing D&D* Oh

— Merry Rad Bunny (@SuperRadBunny) December 16, 2013

I'm not wearing a helmet, I'm wearing a HELLmet. Didn't you notice the flames? The skull? Idiot. Anyway welcome to Sonic

— Brendan O'Hare (@brendohare) December 16, 2013

Progs, it's OK to support Klayman's #NSA lawsuit. Vampires & werewolves must on occasion unite, as a movie I saw on an airplane taught me.

— Chase Madar (@ChMadar) December 16, 2013

The worst thing you can do to someone is call them on the phone.

— kelly oxford (@kellyoxford) December 13, 2013

"oh holy crap this farmer just crucified a dude, maybe we shoud stay away from this farm" – what crows realy think when they see a scarecrow

— jomny sun (@jonnysun) December 13, 2013

If Homer Simpson were a Dem congressman from Springfield, OH he'd be cited in media as "Homer Simpson (D-OH)".

— Tom McCammon (@TomMcCammon) December 15, 2013

In hell you have to try plugging in a single USB device in the dark

— Turbo Jimmy (@Turbo_Jimmy) December 16, 2013

"Bing Crosby" is a name we all accept as perfectly normal

— FRANKenCENSE Lowery (@kenlowery) December 11, 2013

Isn't it weird how we PARK in a DRIVEway, but I'll probably DIE in my LIVING room?

— M.A.H. Humbug (@markhoppus) December 11, 2013

Activists doth protest too much, methinks

— Billy Ho Ho Hosewood (@hawwhit) December 11, 2013

This Clif bar gives me the strength and endurance I need to finish this box of Oreos

— Eliza Bayne (@ElizaBayne) December 11, 2013

[renegade mom starts dryer with full lint trap, puts on shades and walks away slowly from a potential explosion]

— Ceej (@ceejoyner) December 12, 2013

Cheats on taxes. Wins taxes back. Starts family with taxes. Taxes never truly trust again.

— Tommytoughstuff (@Tommytoughstuff) December 12, 2013

Shout out to Santa for being old and fat, only working one day a year, and still having a wife

— William Wanton (@williamwanton) December 10, 2013

mall Santas are just the body doubles he uses to thwart assassination

— chuuch (@ch000ch) December 10, 2013

Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says "sorry we don't serve your type in here"

— Fred Delicious (@Fred_Delicious) December 10, 2013

President Selfie. That about sums up the past 5 years. Thanks, chief.

— Cuffé (@CuffyMeh) December 10, 2013

Getting angry at Twitter because people are focusing on something dumb is like getting angry at a dog for barking. #handshakegate

— daveweigel (@daveweigel) December 10, 2013

an oil painting of Obama shaking hands with great villains throughout history, and also some video game bosses mixed in there

— lawblob (@lawblob) December 10, 2013

Meticulous research I've done on @hallmarkchannel shows 78% of successful marriages begin w 2 strangers pretending to date over Christmas.

— Mary Katharine Ham (@mkhammer) December 11, 2013

I went to Jared *opens up jewelry box to reveal enormous pair of jeans*

— sadvent (@crylenol) December 9, 2013

For years, education has been driven by three Rs: Reading, wRiting and 'Rithmetic. Now it's time to add another: rcoding. (The R is silent.)

— Peter Suderman (@petersuderman) December 9, 2013

the funniest way to starve to death is like a thousand different dogs leap from out of nowhere & steal the food out of ur hands for weeks

— chuuch (@ch000ch) December 9, 2013

"Lying for years" is such a harsh phrase. We prefer to think of it as "incremental honesty."

— HealthCare.Gov (@HealthDotGov) December 10, 2013

[looking at photo of baby] uhh, i dont even *shrugs* what do you want me to say? *girl snatches photo back* i mean it's definitely a baby

— k e e t (@KeetPotato) December 6, 2013

Guess Who's Coming To Dinner. Which Is A Problem Because My Parents Are Horribly Prejudiced Against Board Games.

— Sean (@asimplesean) December 6, 2013

Thanks for leaving my side, only person I know at this party. I'll just be here staring down at my phone, wishing for the world to end.

— Michael (@Home_Halfway) December 6, 2013

There have now been more Spider-Man movies than there are people enrolled in Obamacare.

— CC:Indecision (@indecision) December 5, 2013

Taking my dog to visit a Vet, he needs to understand and appreciate the freedoms he enjoys.

— Tommytoughstuff (@Tommytoughstuff) December 5, 2013

Sorry for breaking up with you via Facebook message instead of texting you directly.

— Bryan Donaldson (@TheNardvark) December 6, 2013

Yeah, I rob banks! …river banks *runs off with handful of reeds*

— sweaty five dollars (@iscoff) December 6, 2013

"How do you hold a moonbeam in your hand?" #SoundofMusicLive or #ChrisMatthewsInterviewsObama?

— Mary Katharine Ham (@mkhammer) December 6, 2013

I’ll agree to “income equality” as long as there’s some sort of “effort equality” and “risk equality” included.

— Ben Howe (@BenHowe) December 4, 2013

Good news, kids! The president wants to raise the wage for those jobs you can't get.

— David Burge (@iowahawkblog) December 4, 2013

I'll never leave Twitter. There's nothing out there in the real word for me but wind and stray bullets.

— David Hughes (@david8hughes) December 4, 2013

Man, Obama's speech about the sluggish economy & income inequality was pretty damning. We really ought to elect him to fix those things.

— Guy Benson (@guypbenson) December 4, 2013

If I’ve learned anything from the last 20 mins of every Terminator movie, it’s that Los Angeles has a bustling Factory District.

— viney (@vineyille) December 4, 2013

I just hope that when I die, I don't start voting Democrat.

— Basil King (@basilsblog) December 4, 2013

"10 Things I Hate About You" is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article

— Michael (@Home_Halfway) December 4, 2013

Seriously, it's easier to sell meth than it is to sell Girl Scout cookies. Not that I would know. I was never in Girl Scouts.

— TheBloggess (@TheBloggess) December 4, 2013

1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait

— Sixth Form Poet (@sixthformpoet) December 3, 2013

"A Christmas Story" (1983) – A young bullied loner fantasizes about taking a gun to school.

— Mark Agee (@MarkAgee) December 3, 2013

"I KNOW WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOUR HORSE." -The Horse Shouter

— Matt Roller (@rolldiggity) December 4, 2013

Disney movie pitch: an Amazon delivery drone falls in love with the toaster it is delivering.

— CC:Indecision (@indecision) December 2, 2013

What's a good song about smelling sex and candy?

— Eli Braden (@EliBraden) December 2, 2013

“I would like a cookie please” repeats Cookie Monster to his speech therapist. She holds out a cookie. Later all she remembers is the blood.

— Bucky Isotope (@BuckyIsotope) December 2, 2013

In case your young children don't know, there's a town in New Mexico called "Elephant Butte." I feel like this is information they can use.

— John (@Notgiamatti) December 2, 2013

What does one lawyer say to another lawyer? We are both lawyers.

— anti joke apple (@antijokeapple) December 3, 2013