I'm no conspiracy theorist, but isn't a little TOO perfect that Oswald shot JFK from a window in a museum devoted to the assassination?

— Ruth Graham (@publicroad) November 22, 2013

"Oswalt acted alone" – my review of a @pattonoswalt one-man show

— Andy Levy (@andylevy) November 22, 2013

How busy was the dude who named the anteater

— Jeffrey Hadz (@Hadzilla) November 22, 2013

JFK was killed on the orders of United Fruit, simply because he said the price of grapefruit was too high. Now I'll probably be killed too.

— Michael Kupperman (@MKupperman) November 23, 2013

Liberals celebrate ending sanctions on a nation that lynches gays, stones women & wants to exterminate Jews, But they boycott Chick-fil-A.

— jon gabriel (@exjon) November 24, 2013

I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they're just gonna spend it on more bells.

— Brandon Gutermuth (@UNTRESOR) November 26, 2013

There's no sadder sight than a room full of elephants ignoring each other.

— Sixth Form Poet (@sixthformpoet) November 27, 2013

Cracked the code on the parental controls, so I'm like 40% sure I could point out sex now if I saw it happening.

— Tommytoughstuff (@Tommytoughstuff) November 29, 2013

There are no false reports that people have died, only premature ones.

— James Taranto (@jamestaranto) December 1, 2013

Complaining about a broken Obamacare website is like complaining about a blown head gasket on a molester's van.

— David Burge (@iowahawkblog) December 1, 2013

We are pleased to announce that, by official White House executive order, the end of November has been delayed for one year.

— HealthCare.Gov (@HealthDotGov) December 2, 2013

Taping later. Hoping today is finally the day contestant says, "My husband is a bum, and we're stuck with 2 rotten kids!"

— Pat Sajak (@patsajak) November 21, 2013

If Charles Dickens were around today, all his stories would be set inside a Walmart.

— CC:Indecision (@indecision) November 21, 2013

A little bird just told me I took too much acid.

— Mike Leffingwell (@mikeleffingwell) November 21, 2013

I wish the Pilgrims and Indians had eaten tacos and pizza instead

— Michael (@Home_Halfway) November 21, 2013

The porn version of the Tom Hanks movie "Big" should also be called "Big." Let me explain

— Musky Lozenge™ (@LostCatDog) November 21, 2013

'Could I *be* dreaming of a whiter Christmas?' – Chandler Bing Crosby.

— Damien Owens (@OwensDamien) November 21, 2013

The Affordable Care Act is neither affordable nor caring. It is, however, an act. It's all an act.

— Jim Treacher (@jtLOL) November 21, 2013

Chrome functionality I'd like. A hot-key that tells you which tab is the one playing that stupid !$#^$# video.

— John Dickerson (@jdickerson) November 21, 2013

"Give us Barabbas!" MT @WhiteHouse Obama: “If you’ve got a majority of folks who believe in something, then it should be able to pass."

— Rep. Steve Stockman (@SteveWorks4You) November 21, 2013

Trying to imagine what Obama's poll numbers would be like without the entire media-industrial complex giving him a 5 year tongue bath.

— David Burge (@iowahawkblog) November 19, 2013

went to Niagara but it wasn't all it was cracked up to be. I can't stand falls advertising

— john truckasauras (@chuchugoogoo) November 19, 2013

If cops just arrested people the moment they bought a waterbed, there would never be another serial killer.

— Jason Miller (@longwall26) November 19, 2013

Bees had to be pretty pissed when bears won the "plastic animal that honey comes in" contract.

— Sean Thomason (@TheThomason) November 19, 2013

Just plugged the Gettysburg Address into my GPS and drove back in time 150 years

— Eli Braden (@EliBraden) November 19, 2013

Pleasing a woman is as easy as folding a fitted sheet. NO! NOT LIKE THAT!

— Shari VanderWerf (@shariv67) November 18, 2013

At Build-a-Bear you only have to pay for the bear's head, torso, legs. You have a right to bear arms.

— sadvil (@crylenol) November 18, 2013

My skillz on the court have been described as "nonexistent" and "your trying to dribble a cantaloupe."

— Tommytoughstuff (@Tommytoughstuff) November 18, 2013

Girl are you Edvard Munch’s The Scream? Because every 18 yo college student is infatuated with you but doesn’t have a clue what you’re about

— Bucky Isotope (@BuckyIsotope) November 18, 2013

Suggestion: Move people from the Elderly Nun Abortion Pill Mandate Team to the #Obamacare Website Team. Just temporarily. #priorities

— Casey Mattox (@AllianceCMattox) November 18, 2013

wanna put my tender heart in a blender, learned some big words so ill use em now oblivion, rendezvous, those are words i used

— L Ǝ O И (@leyawn) November 15, 2013

Problem: Jason kills teens who are having illicit sex. Solution: Orgies. Power in numbers.

— Mickey McCauley (@Mickey_McCauley) November 15, 2013

It's so adorable when a whole city bands together and makes someone with a serious illness think they are powerful. Bravo, Toronto!

— Matt Goldich (@MattGoldich) November 15, 2013

I'm very confused by the "no deaths from ObamaCare" claim. I guess lacking medical insurance is no big whoop after all.

— James Taranto (@jamestaranto) November 15, 2013

Nothing on this Earth is more entertaining than smug people in a panic.

— David Burge (@iowahawkblog) November 16, 2013

Don't say you love someone and give them an end slice of bread

— Honest Toddler (@HonestToddler) November 16, 2013

Drive through The South shouting 'Fix your barn!' out the car window at everyone you see.

— Uncle Dynamite (@UncleDynamite) November 17, 2013

They should replace the cat in the Hang In There Kitty posters with Rob Ford.

— Tim Stanley (@timothy_stanley) November 17, 2013

President late for ACA speech. Probably trying to download it.

— Pat Sajak (@patsajak) November 14, 2013

The Immaculate Deception: A lie was heard by the public, but no one was actually responsible for it.

— SquatchPride69 (@AceofSpadesHQ) November 14, 2013

He's like a 5 year old playing a board game. When he starts losing, he just makes up new rules. "I rolled a two. That means two turns!"

— Caleb Howe (@CalebHowe) November 14, 2013

Imagine what the story would be if an out of touch President Romney said he was shocked to discover how tough it is to buy insurance.

— Andy Levy (@andylevy) November 14, 2013

Obama reassures us this was "the path that was least disruptive." Apparently the other path included Godzilla.

— jimgeraghty (@jimgeraghty) November 14, 2013

You all have to admit that the president has kept his pledge to not be perfect.

— HealthCare.Gov (@HealthDotGov) November 14, 2013

jokes on you, tough guy with muscles, I needed more sand for my sand castle & now I have that, plus the sand where my girlfriend was sitting

— DaveDittell69 (@davedittell) November 14, 2013

It seems like God woke up this morning and thought, "okay conservatives, you've suffered enough. This day's on me."

— jon gabriel (@exjon) November 14, 2013

Prevent kids from making up cruel rhymes about your child's name by calling him Orange.

— Shari VanderWerf (@shariv67) November 15, 2013

"You're hired! Welcome to ACME, where we only sell dynamite to animals for some reason!"

— Michael (@Home_Halfway) November 13, 2013

I pitched my pilot about a smart, attractive man married to a sarcastic, overweight woman to FOX and was asked to leave at gunpoint.

— Tyler Schmall (@tylerschmall) November 13, 2013

It's the Derek Zoolander Exchange For People Who Can't Get Health Care And Want To Do Other Things Good Too.

— Dana Loesch (@DLoesch) November 13, 2013

You'll know Obama is serious about fixing the website when he hires the porn industry

— John Podhoretz (@jpodhoretz) November 13, 2013

Man is the only animal that makes its own Funyuns.

— Jason Miller (@longwall26) November 13, 2013

Wth does Sebelius do all day besides not know things?

— Christine (@cmdeb) November 13, 2013

Avoiding eye contact with co-workers is for rookies. Make eye contact and don't say anything as you pass

— Brian Gaar (@briangaar) November 13, 2013

Customs Police: Do you have anything to claim? Me: A hot dog is a sandwich. Cop: "Please step out of the vehicle"

— michael (@michaeljhudson) November 13, 2013

One rewarding but difficult-to-execute prank is to really be millions of spiders stuffed into an overcoat.

— Jason Miller (@longwall26) November 12, 2013

Are the winter drinks in at Starbucks yet? It's snowing and I've got a little hetero to spare this morning

— Sean (@asimplesean) November 12, 2013

While the other person talks, lift your phone to your mouth and say "Siri, turn me invisible." Conversation over. Walk away.

— Tim Siedell (@badbanana) November 12, 2013

i say tomato, u say "actualy its jim" i say potato, u say "jim my name is jim" tomato,"its jim", potato,"JIM" this potato is tryimg to talk

— jomny sun (@jonnysun) November 12, 2013

Eventually SPAM went out of business because no one could receive company emails.

— Shari VanderWerf (@shariv67) November 12, 2013

My basic conclusion is that Democrats find sex so confusing they insist on government assistance.

— Amy Otto (@CAAmyO) November 12, 2013

I'd like to see Obamacare fixed. In the same way my dog is.

— David Burge (@iowahawkblog) November 12, 2013

Just found out my life is based on a British sitcom.

— Joe Randazzo (@Randazzoj) November 12, 2013

'When Harry Met Sally' is one of my favorite movies until I think about present day Meg Ryan and Billy Crystal making out.

— kelly oxford (@kellyoxford) November 11, 2013

Gravity was so unrealistic. In real life, one of The Avengers would have just flown up there & grabbed them. It wouldn't even made the news.

— Tim (@Playing_Dad) November 11, 2013

I want my obituary to simply read "He didn't die"

— Jacy Catlin (@ieatanddrink) November 11, 2013

Nice democracy you got there. Be a shame if someone came along and split it into teams people blindly rooted for like soccer hooligans.

— Sean Thomason (@TheThomason) November 11, 2013

"It's a dog eat dog world" I say, gently placing a Chihuahua into the mouth of a sleeping Great Dane

— Michael (@Home_Halfway) November 11, 2013

If I could read people's minds, I'd just wait for the movie.

— Nick Ross (@NickBossRoss) November 11, 2013

Auto correct doesn't work when I use caps lock. My phone is like "woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he's wrong"

— Tyrannosaurus Sex (@TYrannosaurus) November 8, 2013

*walks up to a beautiful woman at a cocktail party* My mom dropped me off, did you bring your ID

— Michael (@Home_Halfway) November 8, 2013

Yeah I wear a TV around my neck. Yeah that's me doing karate on it

— Brian Gaar (@briangaar) November 8, 2013

"Hey, watcha inventing?" "A weather vane. It's for showing wind direction." "You should shape it like a chicken." "That is a GREAT idea."

— Jason Miller (@longwall26) November 10, 2013

$TWTR just sounds like Ke$ha's more respectable cousin.

— CC:Indecision (@indecision) November 7, 2013

I bet Michelangelo also arts in heaven.

— sadvil (@crylenol) November 7, 2013

New video of Rob Ford reveals he is actually Hitler. "Must've been during one of my drunken stupors," says Ford of WWII

— sweaty five dollars (@iscoff) November 7, 2013

Lottery tickets should be purchased like porn — shamefully. Don't hold up the line at the gas station like you're conducting big business.

— Kensington (@NYKensington) November 7, 2013

"Where the 'Wild Things' Are" is a book about the $2 DVD bin at Big Lots. Did you know they made 4 sequels to that movie?

— Tom✌ (@Tom_Vom) November 6, 2013

RIP: Blockbuster. In lieu of flowers please watch a movie tonight with family that is your third or fourth choice.

— Gerry Duggan (@GerryDuggan) November 6, 2013

My skinny coworker is complaining about how she "just can't gain weight!" I hope there's a cure for her affliction (speaking)

— OhNoSheTwitnt (@OhNoSheTwitnt) November 6, 2013

my biggest weakness? I'd say a big ole freshly baked honey ham seemingly left out in the open but actually part of a spring snare net trap.

— Dave Dittell (@davedittell) November 6, 2013

Scriptwriters: ensure that ‘You’ll never get away with this!’ is always followed by ‘Oh, but I already have.’ It’s how we know you’re good.

— Damien Owens (@OwensDamien) November 6, 2013

Every college is a barber college if you run around with shears attacking people's heads every night

— Michael (@Home_Halfway) November 6, 2013

Biggest testament to Louis CK's talent is the way we're all giving him a pass on the "two letters for a last name" thing.

— Sean Thomason (@TheThomason) November 6, 2013

Yes hello, I'd like to redeem this Shawshank please

— sweaty five dollars (@iscoff) November 5, 2013

Twitter is like playing Skyrim after you've won. You keep leveling up, but for no reason.

— sadvil (@crylenol) November 5, 2013

"MMM MMM MMM MMM, MMM MMM MMM MMM" - Crash Test Dummies gagged and tied up in my basement

— Bucky Isotope (@BuckyIsotope) November 5, 2013

America is the fact that your dog died wearing sunglasses.

— America (@doctorveritas) November 6, 2013

A cat doesn't like to get thrown into the fire

— FREE FACTS™ ! (@free_facts) November 6, 2013

Really can't believe McCauliffe is even seen as acceptable as a member of the human species let alone governor of Virginia.

— Amy Otto (@CAAmyO) November 6, 2013

"Hey mon. Really sad today, mon. Ate like loooaaads of ice cream straight from the carton, mon." – a tropical depression

— Brian Essbe (@SortaBad) November 4, 2013

I'll take "That's Not A Category" for $200, Alex. "That's not a category." Yes, that's right. "That's not a category." I chose that, yes.

— stefan (@boring_as_heck) November 4, 2013

FUN FACT: 5% of the world's pickle jars are sold with the lids glued shut, purely to embarrass people at BBQs.

— Sixth Form Poet (@sixthformpoet) November 5, 2013

You’d think killing two birds with one stone would be cool but my date is freaking out.

— Rory Patrick (@RorynotRoy) November 1, 2013

Did Eminem ever figure out which Spice Girl he wanted to impregnate? I only ask because 2 of them are turning 40 next year.

— Ken Jennings (@KenJennings) November 1, 2013

In the immortal words of Dave Matthews, "chimba chorda tooka squiddly boom ba baby chomby chomby craaaaash choodelayehoo!!"

— Brandon Gutermuth (@UNTRESOR) November 2, 2013

All that glitters is not gold. Including glitter. Especially glitter

— sadvil (@crylenol) November 2, 2013

If I’d been a Marx brother, my name would have been Typo.

— Damien Owens (@OwensDamien) November 2, 2013