For three years, Gilligan walked around a tropical island wearing a long-sleeved collared shirt and blue jeans. I will not be silenced.

— Jeremiah St. Cyr (@MiahSaint) October 31, 2013

Question for every Dem incumbent from today through 2014: "Would you vote for ObamaCare knowing what you know now?"

— RB (@RBPundit) October 31, 2013

Um, people being eaten by sharks know they can just get out of the water, right?

— Jason Miller (@longwall26) October 31, 2013

We should get all the pundits who told us Obamacare was a good idea to change their avatars to giraffes.

— Dan McLaughlin (@baseballcrank) October 31, 2013

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light.

— carold501 (@carold501) October 31, 2013

What do you call an illegally parked frog? Toad.

— antijokeapple (@antijokeapple) October 30, 2013

"WHAT AM I, CHOPPED LIVER??" I shouted at my wife. She held up the mirror to me. I saw. I was chopped liver. I was a chopped liver man.

— Neil BloodButler (@pharmasean) October 30, 2013

If you have a HHS secretary, and you don't like her, you still have to keep her.

— daveweigel (@daveweigel) October 30, 2013

My GOP advice: 30 sec ads with a person crying staring at her computer holding a newborn… With Obama's voice "just shop around!"

— Greg Pollowitz (@GPollowitz) October 30, 2013

Damn girl are u sex cause I will never have u

— (@followforhell) October 31, 2013

Hold my calls please, Brian. Turns out I've been unemployed and living in an abandoned Hobby Lobby for ten years.

— Jason Miller (@longwall26) October 29, 2013

Glitches "Anecdote!" Denial Stupidity Name Calling Depression Grad school #7StagesofObamacareDefenderGrief

— David Burge (@iowahawkblog) October 29, 2013

If Islam is such a great religion why do Muslim nations have to make it a crime not to believe in it?

— Mark Young (@Mark_JekyllHyde) October 29, 2013

Nice thumb ring, guy whose name I'm assuming is Nate

— Brian Essbe (@SortaBad) October 29, 2013

They are not elite. They are simply part of a class which has decided that, despite its meager abilities, it should run everything.

— SquatchPride69 (@AceofSpadesHQ) October 29, 2013

In Jamaica, every day is a 'mon' day. hi everyone thanks for reading my hilarious jokes.

— Brian Essbe (@SortaBad) October 28, 2013

I want a girlfriend just so I have someone who has to talk me.

— Nick Ross (@NickBossRoss) October 28, 2013

Re this NSA scandal, history does show that keeping close tabs on the Germans isn't the dumbest thing in the world. Just say'n.

— Jonah Goldberg (@JonahNRO) October 28, 2013

There's a slight moral difference between cold mashed potatoes and potato salad. Get that right, kid, and everything else will fall in line.

— Uncle Dynamite (@UncleDynamite) October 28, 2013

Found my missing sunglasses right where I left them: On the face of this zoo's most badass orangutan.

— Jason Miller (@longwall26) October 28, 2013

Why did the chicken cross the road? Don't ask Obama, this is the first time he's heard of that joke.

— Political Math (@politicalmath) October 28, 2013

Riding a three-wheeled motorcycle is a cool way to say "I don't like authority OR ouchies."

— Chase Mitchell (@ChaseMit) October 29, 2013

As a kid, Halloween was ruined for me when my parents told me that Satan didn't exist.

— Peter Serafinowicz (@serafinowicz) October 25, 2013

New York, New York, a hell of a town. Where Bloomberg keeps all the peasantry down.

— Jim Treacher (@jtLOL) October 25, 2013

The most life changing experience I've ever had was when a cartoon bear wearing sunglasses pointed at me and said "Be cool, stay in school".

— MJ (@sucittaM) October 25, 2013

The first rule of Indifference Club is a bunch of stuff that doesn't matter I guess

— Michael (@Home_Halfway) October 25, 2013

Gluten is the substance in food that keeps people from being insufferable.

— Shari VanderWerf (@shariv67) October 25, 2013

At the end of the movie "The Sixth Sense" (SPOILER ALERT) the director decided not to make any more good movies.

— Tim Long (@mrtimlong) October 25, 2013

Health tip: every time you flush, yell "Keep the change, ya filthy animal!" at the toilet.

— Sean Thomason (@TheThomason) October 24, 2013

The same people who couldn't put a functioning website in three years also think they should have more say in what businesses do.

— RB (@RBPundit) October 24, 2013

My whole fitness goal is to be strong enough to open jars.

— Gillian Jacobs (@GillianJacobs) October 24, 2013

Hamster: A pig who rejects mainstream culture.

— Shari VanderWerf (@shariv67) October 24, 2013

I just want a woman who has a great sense of humor about being a supermodel.

— Alex Baze (@bazecraze) October 24, 2013

*Hitting on cute girl* "Back in school, they used to call me the Se… the Sex H-Haver" *A strong dude walks up and punches me in the junk*

— Spooky Cheese Pile! (@Cheese_Pile) October 24, 2013

Am I the only planet that finds this Al Gore guy insufferable?

— I am Earth (@ThirdRokk) October 24, 2013

Got fired from the ice block factory just because I'm good at karate

— Brian Gaar (@briangaar) October 24, 2013

I just ate duck heart. I have now eaten the hearts of two different animals. New goal: eat more hearts. #warrior

— Ashe Schow (@AsheSchow) October 24, 2013

We'll never know just how many worker bees have had dreams of running their own hive crushed by the strict communist regime.

— Sixth Form Poet (@sixthformpoet) October 23, 2013

"Remember Smash Mouth?" – Smash Mouth

— Nick Ross (@NickBossRoss) October 23, 2013

Wendy Davis in fact opposes late-term abortion, with certain exceptions, those exceptions being "late term abortions."

— Thomas H. Crown (@ThomasHCrown) October 23, 2013

The name's Bond. Just Bond. Like Madonna or Cher. I don't have time for first names with all of my sexy danger.

— Michael (@Home_Halfway) October 23, 2013

My wife and I aren't into anything kinky. No spanking, just time-outs.

— Kevin Nealon (@kevin_nealon) October 24, 2013

robbers stole $60,000 from a NYC Whole Foods. police don't know if the bag of apples and loaf of bread will ever be recovered.

— lawblob (@lawblob) October 22, 2013

“I’ll soon wipe that smile off your face!” – Tired clown’s lovely wife

— Sixth Form Poet (@sixthformpoet) October 22, 2013

Got the results of my eye exam back – it's twins!!

— Megan Amram (@meganamram) October 22, 2013

1)Go to a nice restaurant with friends 2)When the waiter asks if everything's ok, pull em to the side & say "I DONT KNOW WHICH ONE TO MARRY"

— Michael (@Home_Halfway) October 22, 2013

"Many Bothans died to bring us this information." -Best way to end a presentation

— Matt Roller (@rolldiggity) October 22, 2013

Requiring Safari to watch the streaming video seems like the most pointlessly Apple thing to do.

— Matt Yglesias (@mattyglesias) October 22, 2013

Hot Singles are in my area! Mate-less lava-beings rampaging 'cause they're lonely!!

— BillCorbett (@BillCorbett) October 22, 2013

My wife and I don't like the same things anymore but we are still together because luckily we are still annoyed by the same things.

— Ken Jennings (@KenJennings) October 22, 2013

My question is, does brosurance cover pre-existing popped collars?

— Caleb Howe (@CalebHowe) October 22, 2013

I'm not sure what's worse: Alan Grayson comparing the Tea Party to the KKK or him using Comic Sans to make that point

— Crudo (@Crudotastic) October 22, 2013

Maybe dinosaurs were living skeletons we don't know.

— Nick Ross (@NickBossRoss) October 22, 2013

dont be sad, girl. u are like a iceberg.. 90% of ur beauty is below the surface. now 95%. now 100% OMG GIRL ARE YOU DROWNIMG

— jomny sun (@jonnysun) October 22, 2013

I don't think future generations will forgive us for the Black Eyed Peas.

— Damien Owens (@OwensDamien) October 22, 2013

At the Rand Corporation christmas party, analysts watch feeds of other christmas parties in intense silence.

— Greg Boo-uns Mills (@Bosko_DePompo) October 21, 2013

Who's keeping you from your free unicorns? SABOTEURS.

— David Burge (@iowahawkblog) October 21, 2013

FAIL is just a word for things we do together.

— Mary Katharine Ham (@mkhammer) October 21, 2013

Rooting for either team in a Red Sox/Cardinals World Series would be like rooting for the stool in Million Dollar Baby.

— Bryan Donaldson (@TheNardvark) October 21, 2013

A liberal is someone who stands athwart reality, yelling stop.

— Rep. Steve Stockman (@SteveWorks4You) October 21, 2013

Polygamy is actually good because there are 1000's of women who love wearing full length denim skirts but only 8 guys who want to marry them

— MattyTalks (@mattytalks) October 21, 2013

It’s just weird how we eat chickens and cows but the minute you eat a butterfly's wings you’re a monster

— Honest Toddler (@HonestToddler) October 21, 2013

Fact: 90% of the current prison population chose Oddjob as their Goldeneye character. Really makes you think.

— Rob Fee (@robfee) October 21, 2013

Taco Bell should have had a Fifth Estate promotion. "you wont be able to stop the leaks with our tasty Fifth Estate crunchwrap supreme"

— Bassoon Jokes (@BassoonJokes) October 21, 2013

"God made us in his image," Jesus said, closing his bible. "The ultimate selfie."

— tony r (@crylenol) October 21, 2013

Shorter GOP on an all too regular basis: "You should still vote for us because we feel really bad when we give in to the Democrats."

— Ben Howe (@BenHowe) October 18, 2013

Prius driver: "I get 70 MPG. What do you get?" Me: "Laid." Merica.

— Cloyd Rivers (@CloydRivers) October 18, 2013

hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it's over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it

— chuuch (@ch000ch) October 19, 2013

It's not over yet but Detroit is in great shape. (The team, not the town, of course. The town's doomed and their citizens should flee.)

— Michael J Nelson (@michaeljnelson) October 20, 2013

I am the Michael Johnson of forgetting athlete's names

— michael (@michaeljhudson) October 20, 2013

Obama, yesterday: "I refuse to negotiate." Obama, today: "We can't get stuff done if we won't negotiate."

— Michael Graham (@IAMMGraham) October 17, 2013

yawns are just ghost snakes leaving the body when they get bored of you

— chuuch (@ch000ch) October 17, 2013

It'll be nice in a few years when we have a president who doesn't taunt and insult 50% of Americans from the White House.

— Eric H. (@ericinva) October 17, 2013

Once we get the glitches worked out in the Self-Face-Punch Machine, people will love it.

— David Burge (@iowahawkblog) October 17, 2013

It Kathleen Sebelius ran Japan's health care system, she would have committed seppuku by now.

— jon gabriel (@ExJon) October 17, 2013

Child labor laws, but for adults.

— Fun_Beard (@Fun_Beard) October 17, 2013

What's more realistic: WWZ (Brad Pitt) version occurring or ACA covering 7m uninsured? (not a fair q bc #zombies are plausible)

— Greg Pollowitz (@GPollowitz) October 16, 2013

"I'm an adult I think I can handle running with scissors" *Trips immediately* *Scissors slash school bus tire* *Bus careens off bridge* "NO"

— Spooky Cheese Pile! (@Cheese_Pile) October 16, 2013

That government shutdown was like seeing a morbidly obese chain-smoker almost get hit by a car.

— Alex Baze (@bazecraze) October 16, 2013

You can tell I'm a serious artist because I use only the finest organic macaroni in my work.

— Jason Miller (@longwall26) October 17, 2013

If unicorns aren't real, how do you explain this? *points at a cactus*

— Lazy BOO (@lazy_joe_) October 15, 2013

Remember: Only God can judge you! And judges. Juries. Your mom. Members of the opposite sex. Basically everybody. Never go outside.

— Jason Miller (@longwall26) October 15, 2013

Actually, I would not watch the cities burn. Watching is so passive-aggressive.

— Michael Z Williamson (@mzmadmike) October 15, 2013

*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*

— Jar O Lantern (@tackoftheJar) October 15, 2013

For a lot of Jewish kids living in the ghetto, representing talented basketball players is their only way out.

— Gavin Speiller (@gavinspeiller) October 15, 2013

"Think piece" sounds like what an idiot calls his brain.

— Peter Schultz (@pete_schultz) October 15, 2013

Repent, America! The Math Is Near!

— jon gabriel (@ExJon) October 15, 2013

Conspiracy theories require large groups of people (cats) to be competent (drive race cars) for long periods of time (the Indy 500)

— sweaty five dollars (@iscoff) October 16, 2013

Sorry, but if your profession is politics, you're not in "public service." It cheapens the term.

— Pat Sajak (@patsajak) October 11, 2013

Oh, Chris Christie is dead to you? I'm sure this keeps him up nights.

— Nathan Wurtzel (@NathanWurtzel) October 11, 2013

Area RINO Says He Was Right All Along

— daveweigel (@daveweigel) October 11, 2013

Alright gentleman, these are the rules to the pillow fight: In 1 of the pillows in this room you will find a knife. That's the only rule. Go

— tony r (@crylenol) October 11, 2013

Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing "The Real Slim Shady" over and over.

— Bucky Isotope (@BuckyIsotope) October 11, 2013

"I will end you" — periods

— Brian Gaar (@briangaar) October 13, 2013

Disappointed that Miley Cyrus didn't go with her first instinct, "I came in like the Kool Aid Man."

— Draculawbster (@LawbsterSaid) October 13, 2013

Meanwhile on the Starship Enterprise, the crew realizes they've been flying upside down the whole time

— sweaty five dollars (@iscoff) October 10, 2013

Difference between Obamacare and a time share condo sales pitch? Time share condo salesmen can't arrest you for not buying.

— David Burge (@iowahawkblog) October 10, 2013

I'd rather listen to Chewbacca read the entire iTunes Terms and Conditions than listen to Miley Cyrus' new album.

— Darth Vader (@DepressedDarth) October 10, 2013

I have 6000 followers because I say what we're all really thinking and I say "Hitler" a lot.

— Doctor Scareitas (@doctorveritas) October 10, 2013