Health tip: every time you flush, yell "Keep the change, ya filthy animal!" at the toilet.

— Sean Thomason (@TheThomason) October 24, 2013

The same people who couldn't put a functioning website in three years also think they should have more say in what businesses do.

— RB (@RBPundit) October 24, 2013

My whole fitness goal is to be strong enough to open jars.

— Gillian Jacobs (@GillianJacobs) October 24, 2013

Hamster: A pig who rejects mainstream culture.

— Shari VanderWerf (@shariv67) October 24, 2013

I just want a woman who has a great sense of humor about being a supermodel.

— Alex Baze (@bazecraze) October 24, 2013

*Hitting on cute girl* "Back in school, they used to call me the Se… the Sex H-Haver" *A strong dude walks up and punches me in the junk*

— Spooky Cheese Pile! (@Cheese_Pile) October 24, 2013

Am I the only planet that finds this Al Gore guy insufferable?

— I am Earth (@ThirdRokk) October 24, 2013

Got fired from the ice block factory just because I'm good at karate

— Brian Gaar (@briangaar) October 24, 2013

I just ate duck heart. I have now eaten the hearts of two different animals. New goal: eat more hearts. #warrior

— Ashe Schow (@AsheSchow) October 24, 2013