So we’re still in a government shutdown and everyone is like, “What’s happening? Will we survive? What’s going on? How’d you get in my house?” Well, no worries; I sent my crack research staff to find out all they can about a government shutdown.

FUN FACTS ABOUT THE GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN

* A government shutdown is created by the combination of a government and a shutdown.

* Government shutdowns happen when Congress forgets to mail out the monthly bill for the government. They’ll often get a late notice, but because of partisan bickering, everyone is like, “Hey, I thought it was your job to mail in the check!” and then no one does it and the government is shut down.

* When the shutdown happens, old man Cruthers kicks Congress out of the Capitol for not paying him his rent. Congress then has to do all legislative action from the local Denny’s.

* While Congress is out of the Capitol, it’s usually converted back to its original function — whore house — which is sort of a lateral move.

* A good sign the government has shutdown will be seeing a pantsless Biden wandering around shouting, “Who dress me?” No, wait, that just means it’s Tuesday.

* During a shutdown, all national parks and monuments are closed. And you can’t even look at them during a shutdown because of a gypsy curse which was put on all national parks because of how we celebrate the opening of each park by murdering gypsies.

* During a shutdown, furloughed bureaucrats wander the streets just randomly interfering with things.

* There’s only one other government shutdown recorded in history and it was for the city of Atlantis. No one is sure what happened afterwards.

* We’re not completely out of government during a government shutdown because we always store some emergency government in our government reserves. There’s enough government there to keep anything useful happening for weeks.

* You may notice that during a government shutdown, the government doesn’t actually disappear but just gets a lot whinier.

* Most people will probably be unaffected by the government shutdown, but those affected most will be political humor writers who need the government running so they can make fun of it. Tip jar is on the left sidebar.

* During a shutdown, all non-essential government functions are shutdown, which is everything except for that guy in an underground bunker who hits a button every 108 minutes.

* In a fight between Aquaman and a government shutdown, Aquaman would help both sides come to conclusion that satisfies everyone. Everyone loves and respects Aquaman.

* The government shutdown is the perfect time to plot a caper to steal the Hope Diamond from the Smithsonian. I’ll need 10 more people who have diverse skills and personalities; who’s interested?

* If you find yourself in the midst of a government shutdown, don’t panic. In fact, don’t do anything. Who cares really?