Archive of entries posted on 25th October 2013

Link of the Day: Liberalism Really is a Mental Disorder

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[High Praise! to Captain Capitalism]

Liberalism Really is a Mental Disorder

Man, I just can’t get this part out of my head:

You – “Look out! Here comes a train!”

Liberal – “Yeah, but I feel that the train isn’t coming.”

[Think you have a link that’s IMAO-worthy? Send it to harvolson@gmail.com. If I use your link, you will receive High Praise! (assuming you remember to put your name in the email)]

Wisdom of the Day: Flush Website Fitness Hamster Humor Girl Gore Karate Hearts

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Obama Warned Us – War

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At times, American foreign policy has been farsighted, simultaneously serving our national interests, our ideals, and the interests of other nations. At other times American policies have been misguided, based on false assumptions that ignore the legitimate aspirations of other peoples, undermine our own credibility, and make for a more dangerous world.

BARACK OBAMA, The Audacity of Hope

“Gotta say – BIG fan of the latter.”

You’ve Been Judged!

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Anonymiss of Nuking Politics picked her favorite punchlines to “A new report shows that $1 billion a day is spent fighting global warming. The result:”

Click here to see if you made the cut.

If you did, you should probably email Keln about becoming a guest blogger there.

If you didn’t, Anonymiss has got another straight line for you to practice on.

Keep trying. No one likes a quitter.

Let Me Be Clear: Let It Burn

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“Hey, Bob!” shouted President Obama as he barged into Bob’s office.

Bob put his head in his hands. “Come on. I’m really busy right now.”

“I just wanted to warn you that the Obamacare website has some glitches,” Obama said.

“I’m not using your stupid website,” Bob said. “I’m just having to deal with the health insurance plans my company was using being dropped.”

Obama smiled. “Yeah, Obamacare really shook things up.”

Bob nodded. “Like a toddler stumbling into a house of cards.”

“Anyway, I want to show you something,” Obama said.

“I said I’m busy.”

“Well…” Obama walked towards Bob and then quickly threw a hood over his head.

* * * *

“Did you just kidnap me?” Bob asked, uneasily getting out of a car with a hood over his head.

“I taxed you,” Obama answered. “Justice Roberts says I can do anything as long as I call it a tax.” Obama pulled the hood off. In front of Bob was a large building with smoke coming out of the windows. “This is the Obamacare headquarters!” Obama announced. “If people are having trouble with the website — or the phone which I guess is also not really working — they can come here to sign up for insurance!”

“The building is on fire,” Bob stated.

“Well… yeah… the light and heat in the building has gone a bit out of control. You see, the electricity didn’t work and so it was dark and cold in there, thus we started some fires. Biden was in charge of that and, well, you know… Anyway, still, it’s a great building. Only cost us $1.2 billion dollars; a bargain.”

Bob stared a moment at the smiling Obama. “You don’t know how money works, do you?”

“Anyway, while I think some people with pre-existing conditions are signing up for Obamacare despite the little difficulties — which is great — what we really need is young healthy people to sign up. So, Bob, I need people like you to help convince those young healthy people to come here and sign up.”

Bob looked at the building for a moment. “You want me to convince young health people to walk into a burning building to sign up for health insurance they don’t really need and can’t afford?”

“Well, they kind of have to,” Obama said. “If we don’t get more of them to sign up, the whole thing collapses or something. I don’t really get the economics of this, but my people keep telling me its those young healthy people we need to sign up.”

“I think we’re all aware you don’t get the economics of this.” Bob looked at the building again. “Has anyone called the fire department?”

“Um… none of us here have phones.”

“Of course not.”

“What is the number for the fire department? 1-800-HELP-FIRE… or is that too many digits? Anyway, could you call them for us?”

Bob took his phone out of his pocket and considered that for a moment. Then he turned and began to leave. “Eh, let it burn.”

John Kerry Reporting for Duty in the Middle East

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With John Kerry at the helm during the current negotiations, I expect peace in the Middle East will be achieved any day now.  As usual, my man in State has leaked me some of the inner machinations that are going on.  Here are some of the inevitable back door agreements that have worked their way into the proposed agreement.

  • The acceptance of the one-state solution in which the entire Middle East and most of the American Midwest is given to Iran (Don’t worry, the Jews still get to run the rest of America)
  • In exchange for the US taking a hands-off approach in Syria, Putin will stop intimidating Obama by texting him shirtless selfies
  • Barney Frank will be turned over to the Ayatollah for ‘questioning’
  • All Israelis who wish to remain in the one state will be granted the religious liberty to choose either Shia or Sunni or stoning
  • Bashar al Assad will get three free visits from Denis Rodman
  • Miley Cyrus will be turned over to the Ayatollah for ‘burka fitting’
  • Mossad hackers will stop causing all those glitches in the Obamacare website
  • Iran has agreed to use non-greenhouse gases in their extermination chambers
  • The Israeli lobby will stop resisting Mel Gibson’s plans to produce the broadway musical version of The Protocols of the Elders of Zion
  • Putin will be given a championship ring from each Superbowl to round out his collection if he agrees to return Biden’s collection of round, shiny objects and Obama’s deck of race cards
  • Justin Beiber will be turned over to the Ayatollah for ‘some good old-fashioned bitch slapping’
  • Iran will only enrich its uranium in eco-friendly centrifuges that have the Energy Star seal of approval
  • Jimmy Carter will be given full Iranian citizenship and be allowed to personally oversee the historical tours celebrating the Iran Hostage Crisis and Operation Eagle Claw
  • In order to prevent the potential for radioactive fallout and nuclear winter, Iran will agree to use it nuclear weapons only in cases where their demands aren’t met
  • The UN will issue an official ‘corrected’ translation of the Old Testament that clearly indicates that the real location of the children of Israel’s promised land is Dearborn, Michigan

Random Thoughts: Looking at Obama, Captain America, and Spying on Foreign Leaders

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Have we done any polling on whether people can stand to look at Obama?

I was bullied as a kid, and know what I did? I’m really asking. I might have blocked it out of my memory.

So in the new Captain America movie, is he going to take on the debt or is he just going to waste his time on some side threat?

To help market the movie overseas, in foreign countries Captain America is simply known as “Punchman.”

I’ve seen links to Daily Currant stories from people who thought a story was real but never once someone who thought a story was funny.

Did we ever sweep the Statue of Liberty for 19th century French bugs?

It might upset you that Obama doesn’t hold anyone accountable, but in 2012 we didn’t hold him accountable.

Obama is going to pay us taxpayers back for all the money he wasted on that website, right?

I’d be against spying on foreign leaders if the foreign leaders are Americans.

That cargo box we got for the top of the SUV ended up being a great investment for helping locate it in a Walmart parking lot.