Since the Obamacare website is all foobar, Obama in his — I guess you call it a “speech” though it seemed more like an infomercial for the worst product ever — directed people to use the Obamacare phone number instead. Out of curiosity, I went and gave it a try. Here’s the transcript from that call:

“Hello. Welcome to the Obamacare hotline, your place for getting your mandated insurance. Press 1 for English. Press 2 to get a message about how eventually other languages will be supported.”

“Please select from the following menu. Note that at any time, you can press ‘0’ to hear the zero tone. This will do nothing, but some find it soothing. Here are your options: Press ‘1’ to get mandated insurance. There are no other options.”

“Press ‘2’ to confirm that you just pressed ‘1’.”

“Thank you for selecting that you want insurance. Do you have a pre-existing condition? Press ‘1’ if you do. Note that this will not prevent you from getting insurance.”

“Oh, you do have a pre-existing condition. While that will not prevent you from getting insurance, we really healthy people to sign up to make this thing work — you know, people who will pay for insurance but never actually use it. Do you know anyone like that? Can you please first make them get insurance? Press ‘1’ if you agree to this.”

“You didn’t press ‘1’. Seriously, dude, this whole thing is going to collapse financially if we don’t get more healthy people to sign up. So here’s the deal: I’ll get you your insurance even though you have a pre-existing condition — which you have to admit is really doing you a solid as it’s not even really insurance at this point but more of a handout — if you first get four healthy people to sign up. That sound good? Press ‘1’ to agree to help me out.”

“You’re still not pressing ‘1’. Well, I guess we’ll just get you your insurance. Uh oh. 404 error — or I mean the phone equivalent of that. Um… a dial tone I guess. Eeeeeeeeee.”

“Did he leave?”

What’s up with animals acting all crazy and stuff? We had spiders sabotaging Toyotas. Now, we got oarfish invading California. There was one found last week on Catalina Island. Now, another one has shown up.

I don’t know what they’re up to, but those giant fish — they can grow over 50 feet long — have something in mind. And I think they’re in cahoots with the alligators.

In Apopka, Florida, an alligator set up outside the door to a Walmart, scaring folks away. It left after a while, but it made its point: that Walmart is on its turf.

So, what’s up with the animals? Well, I checked The Revelation, and while there is some weird animal stuff in there, it’s mostly seven heads, ten horns kinda things. No spiders, oarfish, or alligators though.

And that’s scary.

But not as scary as the people that you find inside a Walmart.

Maybe the alligators are on our side after all.