It’s day 9 of the family shutdown and my wife and I aren’t any closer to coming to an agreement on where to go to dinner.

— Bryan Donaldson (@TheNardvark) October 9, 2013

Ah, but by allowing myself to get caught I have committed an even greater evil…contributing to the overcrowding of America's prison system

— Dammit, Joe (@FreeAsCheap) October 9, 2013

the google search bar becomes sentient and threatens to expose my history to the world. i search "how to stop a living google." 0 results.

— Chuuch (@ch000ch) October 9, 2013

Halloween is my favorite way to teach kids about extortion.

— Shari VanderWerf (@shariv67) October 9, 2013

We're pretty trusting of nougat to never ask what it actually is.

— Nick Ross (@NickBossRoss) October 9, 2013

"Guess who's back, guess who's back, guess who's back, guess who's back" – Eminem at the Build-a-Bear workshop for the 23rd time in a week

— Bucky Isotope (@BuckyIsotope) October 10, 2013

Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.

— Jamie Woodham (@jwoodham) October 8, 2013

Either the kids on my street were playing with sidewalk chalk, or this is a crime scene and a bunch of stars and cats just got murdered.

— Matt Roller (@rolldiggity) October 8, 2013

I hope I look as good as Kenny Rogers when I’m an 800 year-old lizard creature from another dimension.

— Damien Owens (@OwensDamien) October 8, 2013

Why do people at home on TV have their pants on?

— Jim Gaffigan (@JimGaffigan) October 8, 2013

Watched a tiny asian girl swing her iPhone around by the headphones and realized she knows not of fear and must be stopped.

— Nick Ross (@NickBossRoss) October 8, 2013

Whenever I fill out a job application with a box for "Race," I add a question mark and then write, "Anytime. Anywhere."

— Matt Roller (@rolldiggity) September 30, 2013

There are no feminists in spider holes.

— Shari VanderWerf (@shariv67) September 30, 2013

watching the media cover the Democrats is like watching Game of Thrones with a guy with a WINTER IS COMING t-shirt and stuffed dragon

— SquatchPride69 (@AceofSpadesHQ) September 30, 2013

wow so walt was heisenberg all along

— Eli Braden (@EliBraden) September 30, 2013

Speed through a school zone, drift into the student pickup lane & crank the AC/DC. The cops can't arrest you for being awesome

— Brian Gaar (@briangaar) October 1, 2013

Let's rename our southern border the Mexican-American War Memorial, so Obama will put a fence around it.

— Tom McCammon (@TomMcCammon) October 4, 2013

Dear Internet, Once and for all, I agree to ALL "the terms and conditions" that have or will ever exist. Jeez!

— Jim Gaffigan (@JimGaffigan) October 6, 2013

If I didn't believe the 1st person to put walnuts in chocolate chip cookies is roasting in hell I'd never get be able to get out of bed.

— Michael J Nelson (@michaeljnelson) October 7, 2013

Relationship status: Changing the Siri voice to male and making him tell me I'm pretty every morning.

— Abhorrent Housewife (@abhorrent_wife) September 27, 2013

I cry at the end of sandwiches.

— Chase Mitchell (@ChaseMit) September 27, 2013

So, is today "social conservatives are anarchists" day or "GOP is like Hitler because it wants small government" day?

— Dan McLaughlin (@baseballcrank) September 27, 2013

On the cover of today's Popular Mechanics it's Tony, a guy who owns a pool

— sweaty five dollars (@iscoff) September 27, 2013

Dear Mr. President: Obamacare is your baby. We'd rather not be punished with it. Love, America

— angelaisms (@angelaisms) September 27, 2013

Your body is a McDonaldland

— Fun_Beard (@Fun_Beard) September 27, 2013

in local news, pot smoking becomes popular amongst teens. one man fights against it using a sign in his yard that says "stay off the grass"

— dubstep4dads (@dubstep4dads) September 27, 2013

Hug your meth dealer, everyone. I know I will.

— David C Bell (@MovieHooligan) September 30, 2013

♫He's everything you want He's everything you need He hides behind you every single time he sees a bee♫

— Michael (@Home_Halfway) September 26, 2013

National socialist political and economic philosophies are back. In pog form.

— A Big Deal (@doctorveritas) September 26, 2013

I can never be hurt by kicks or punches. the only reason i flinch or cry is so the government doesnt discover my powers and use me for wars

— John V (@wettbutt) September 26, 2013

Wendy Davis' platform may not even include miniature American flags for anyone.

— Dan McLaughlin (@baseballcrank) September 26, 2013

government shutdown? more like… more like government shut up!

— Bassoon Jokes (@BassoonJokes) September 25, 2013

I support a woman's right to choose whether to participate in Obamacare.

— David Burge (@iowahawkblog) September 25, 2013

Harry Reid always looks like an intruder who's been hiding in your closet for hours just waiting to surprise you.

— Jonah Goldberg (@JonahNRO) September 25, 2013

This Harry Reid speech declaring Ted Cruz's non-filibuster filibuster a "big waste of time" has been a small waste of time.

— Josh Greenman (@joshgreenman) September 25, 2013

In a bear attack, hold your hands up and approach calmly. Palm strike to the sternum. You're attacking a bear now.

— Ceej (@ceejoyner) September 25, 2013

For Halloween this year, I'm going as a slightly outdated cultural reference.

— Alex Baze (@bazecraze) September 25, 2013

I love reading MSM stuff where they have a an unintended 1 sentence moment of clarity they don't realize undoes their entire premise.

— I Clotured Your Mom (@stephenkruiser) September 25, 2013

Best part is, Breaking Bad taught everyone about Dr. Werner Heisenberg, who won the Nobel Prize for inventing crystal meth.

— Sean Thomason (@TheThomason) September 25, 2013

Batman named himself after the thing that scared him most. That's how I became Girlsman.

— Mike Leffingwell (@mikeleffingwell) September 25, 2013

Pandas are sad because they live under communism.

— Mark Hemingway (@Heminator) September 25, 2013

Burger King launches low-fat french fry called Satisfries. It's the healthiest option besides eating literally anywhere else.

— CC:Indecision (@indecision) September 24, 2013

"Baby, every whip is a Miracle Whip" ~ I say, winking to the brooding dominatrix. She sighs and hands me my money back.

— Michael (@Home_Halfway) September 24, 2013

"Horatio" is Comic Sans' middle name, right? #soeasilyconfused

— Robert A George (@RobGeorge) September 24, 2013

Someone get Miley Cyrus addicted to drugs or sex or something so we can send her to rehab and get her out of the news for a couple of weeks.

— Charly J. (@chuck_dizzle) September 24, 2013

Let's quit cowering to the chimera that is Obama's mythical charisma. He can give thousands of speeches and not convert a single voter.

— David Limbaugh (@DavidLimbaugh) September 24, 2013

What's up girl? I don't understand directions. What's up? Down? Sideways? None of these things mean anything to me girl

— sweaty five dollars (@iscoff) September 25, 2013

When I was a kid I used to lick the batter all the time, but now it's considered "unsafe" and "disruptive to the baseball game."

— Ted Travelstead (@trumpetcake) September 21, 2013

Amazing how indignant Libs get,saying "ObamaCare is the law of the land",yet treat our Constitution like it's written on a cocktail napkin!

— Ken Wahl (@KenWahl1) September 23, 2013

Once Breaking Bad is over I’ll have to go back to relying on reality to destroy me emotionally.

— Bryan Donaldson (@TheNardvark) September 23, 2013

I'm going to donate to the Atlas Shrugged, Part III Kickstarter. At the $10,000 level I get a walk-on part with a thirty-minute speech.

— Popehat (@Popehat) September 23, 2013

Smile. It makes it your teeth an easier target.

— The Batman (@TheBatman) September 23, 2013

I'm going to run for Congress, but do it in an odd-numbered year and sneak in when nobody is looking.

— Stephen Green (@VodkaPundit) September 23, 2013

Life hack: if you want to stop biting your nails, simply decapitate yourself

— Fred Delicious (@Fred_Delicious) September 24, 2013

Pro tip: if you didn’t get an iPhone 5s, just paint a circle around your home button and remove your pass code.

— Moltz (@Moltz) September 20, 2013

It's the "subjunctive mood," Alan. There's no such thing as a "subjunctive case." I'm sorry, but you're out of this street gang.

— Jason Miller (@longwall26) September 20, 2013

"You know what they call a Quarter Pounder with Cheese in France?" Ernie asks Bert. They never see the cement truck that broadsides them.

— Bucky Isotope (@BuckyIsotope) September 20, 2013

Congress cut food stamps? But how will we mail our food?

— Eli Braden (@EliBraden) September 20, 2013

"Daddy, am I going to die someday?" "No, you're the only immortal being in the entire world. Goodnight, stupid."

— sweaty five dollars (@iscoff) September 19, 2013

#TalkLikeAPirateDay is like the Olympic trials for unbearable coworkers

— Horton Atonto (@crushingbort) September 19, 2013

former nintendo president hiroshi yamauchi died today but someone should blow in him just to make sure

— rob whisman (@robwhisman) September 19, 2013

Hey do you want to come over and play GTA, or we can just talk about GTA

— Brian Gaar (@briangaar) September 19, 2013

Instead of Pelosi tweeting hypocritically about hunger she cld have donated the 10's thousands she spent on plastic surgery to soup kitchens

— Kathleen McKinley (@KatMcKinley) September 19, 2013

The only thing higher that the public's contempt for Washington is Washington's contempt for the public.

— David Burge (@iowahawkblog) September 19, 2013

Welcome to Indiana. The 19th State. The Diaper State. Home of a city called Gary that looks and smells exactly like you'd imagine.

— michael (@michaeljhudson) September 19, 2013

Every night I pray for a bat to fly into Eminem's face on a red carpet & cause him to run in circles screaming in a falsetto.

— Uncle Dynamite (@UncleDynamite) September 19, 2013

"Charlie and the Chocolate Factory" is my favorite book where a bunch of kids get badly hurt in a factory and the owner runs away.

— Matt Roller (@rolldiggity) September 19, 2013

i respect Jack in the Box because their food killed a bunch of people and now their mascot is a horrible grinning devil

— jon hendren (@fart) September 18, 2013

"ya ive had sex at least 0 times. i know that could mean 0 BUT it could also mean…" *lowers prescription glasses* "infinite billion times"

— Fred Delicious (@Fred_Delicious) September 18, 2013

Now that I can’t bring my gun into Starbucks, what am I supposed to do when someone asks me to read the screenplay they’re working on?

— Bryan Donaldson (@TheNardvark) September 18, 2013

"They're Just Like Us!" sections in celebrity magazines never show pics of them trying to throw hot dogs at the moon. So, no, they're not.

— Nick Toplass (@TitaniumToplass) September 18, 2013

Random Hobbit: "Couldn't we just take eagles the whole way?" Gandalf: [immediately slits hobbit's throat] "Anyone else? ANYONE ELSE?!"

— Matt Roller (@rolldiggity) September 18, 2013

What does waving your arms over your head mean in sign language? Would love to know what this deaf guy on fire is trying to say.

— dan guterman (@danguterman) September 18, 2013

Mom, dad, we need to have “the talk”. *sits down in a chair, takes a deep sigh* iOS 7 is going to make your phone look differen

— Steve Streza (@SteveStreza) September 18, 2013

My body type is "people ask me if I used to play football, but like, a really long time ago."

— Sean Thomason (@TheThomason) September 18, 2013

Sure, sure, buddy, "life" handed you those lemons. You're under arrest.

— Steve Murray (@NPsteve) September 18, 2013

Given shoddy reporting on Navy Yard tragedy, that Senate panel might want to re-visit its "Who is a Journalist?" definition.

— Pat Sajak (@patsajak) September 17, 2013

I find it genuinely curious that the Left, which is normally much smarter than this, has spent 20 years learning nothing about guns.

— Charles C. W. Cooke (@charlescwcooke) September 17, 2013

How come no one ever blames video games for all the rampant candy crushing in our society?

— CC:Indecision (@indecision) September 17, 2013

Sucks for the characters in Breaking Bad that they can't watch Breaking Bad.

— Tyler Schmall (@tylerschmall) September 17, 2013

A killer whale is just a regular whale that was at the wrong place at the wrong damn time.

— Michael (@Home_Halfway) September 17, 2013

If you want to play Grand Theft Auto 5 wil REALLY good graphics, move to Detroit.

— Rob Fee (@robfee) September 17, 2013

People who squirt ketchup all over their fries instead of dipping them are not people you need in your life.

— antijokeapple (@antijokeapple) September 16, 2013

If I owned a mall, all the mall directories would have red "You are here" people dots, and dozens of black "They are here" ninja dots.

— Matt Roller (@rolldiggity) September 16, 2013

Sonic? *spits out hamburger* You mean this was made outta hedgehog?

— Sadvil (@crylenol) September 16, 2013

"Looks like I'm sleeping in the doghouse tonight!" – A really secure dog in a loving, committed relationship with its partner

— Nick (@NickBossRoss) September 16, 2013

2012: AAAGHH ROMNEY WILL MAKE GAY TAMPONS ILLEGAL AAAGHHH 2013: Well of course they need to ask about your sex life, they're the government.

— David Burge (@iowahawkblog) September 16, 2013

You can’t karate kick all your problems away, but at least your problems will think “damn that dude is a badass”

— Brian Gaar (@briangaar) September 13, 2013

steve this is a intervention "ok to whos wedding" no thats a invitation "aliens?!" thats a invasion "how–" STEVE U NEED TO GET A DICTIONARY

— jomny sun (@jonnysun) September 13, 2013

What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?

— Jason Miller (@longwall26) September 13, 2013

It's a travesty that while Britain continues 2 decline, native son Piers Morgan selfishly focuses his brilliance solely on "fixing" America.

— Brad Thor (@BradThor) September 12, 2013

After terrorist attacks, they say don't judge all Muslims based on the actions of a few. Shouldn't gun owners get the same treatment? Merica

— Cloyd Rivers (@CloydRivers) September 12, 2013

Oh yeah, Putin? If America isn't exceptional, name another country stupid enough to re-elect Obama.

— David Burge (@iowahawkblog) September 12, 2013

I don't understand @BarackObama's foreign policy, but that's okay because neither does he.

— Jim Treacher (@jtLOL) September 12, 2013

Why do we need a RoboCop remake? The only thing dated about the original was the idea that unions will still be around in the future.

— Political Math (@politicalmath) September 12, 2013

The two things that react hysterically to every little shift in the world: Twitter and the stock market. They are made for each other.

— Josh Greenman (@joshgreenman) September 12, 2013

At least half of possum funerals are actually surprise parties.

— Shari VanderWerf (@shariv67) September 13, 2013