"Daddy, am I going to die someday?" "No, you're the only immortal being in the entire world. Goodnight, stupid."

— sweaty five dollars (@iscoff) September 19, 2013

#TalkLikeAPirateDay is like the Olympic trials for unbearable coworkers

— Horton Atonto (@crushingbort) September 19, 2013

former nintendo president hiroshi yamauchi died today but someone should blow in him just to make sure

— rob whisman (@robwhisman) September 19, 2013

Hey do you want to come over and play GTA, or we can just talk about GTA

— Brian Gaar (@briangaar) September 19, 2013

Instead of Pelosi tweeting hypocritically about hunger she cld have donated the 10's thousands she spent on plastic surgery to soup kitchens

— Kathleen McKinley (@KatMcKinley) September 19, 2013

The only thing higher that the public's contempt for Washington is Washington's contempt for the public.

— David Burge (@iowahawkblog) September 19, 2013

Welcome to Indiana. The 19th State. The Diaper State. Home of a city called Gary that looks and smells exactly like you'd imagine.

— michael (@michaeljhudson) September 19, 2013

Every night I pray for a bat to fly into Eminem's face on a red carpet & cause him to run in circles screaming in a falsetto.

— Uncle Dynamite (@UncleDynamite) September 19, 2013

"Charlie and the Chocolate Factory" is my favorite book where a bunch of kids get badly hurt in a factory and the owner runs away.

— Matt Roller (@rolldiggity) September 19, 2013