The Drudge Report looks like all the caps-lock email forwards from your parents got together and formed a Voltron.
— Bryan Donaldson (@TheNardvark) September 11, 2013
I have a surprising amount of work responsibility for someone who manages to get salad dressing in his eyes as often as I do.
— Jason Miller (@longwall26) September 11, 2013
#DavesLaws You are allowed to be a snob about 3 things. After that, you're just an a-hole.
— David Burge (@iowahawkblog) September 11, 2013
As best I can tell, the gold iPhone isn't really for us—I think it's for Japanese businessmen and Russian mafia wives.
— William Beutler (@WilliamBeutler) September 10, 2013
I've hated Richard Dawkins ever since my thoroughly confused, temporarily lesbian ex-stepmother gave me one of his books.
— Your Mom's Red Line (@stephenkruiser) September 10, 2013
*enters Van Gogh Barber Shop* a little off the side *Van Gogh cuts off own ear* perfect! oh let's marry, Vince *Van Gogh wakes from dream*
— Dave Dittell (@davedittell) September 10, 2013
When you're on a safari and you assume, you make an ass out of Ume, your safari guide.
— Fun_Beard (@Fun_Beard) September 11, 2013
I love how NYTimes reporters tweet out the glories of their paper's graphics like a parent Facebooking cute pictures of their kids
— John Podhoretz (@jpodhoretz) September 11, 2013
To the NPR libs, if you sound uninterested & bored, you're deep. Kerry has used this trick to mask a mediocre intellect for decades.
— Your Mom's Red Line (@stephenkruiser) September 9, 2013
Blind to the sarcasm in your tweet, a grown man sips his Code Red Mountain Dew and pushes aside his blanket cape to type an angry reply.
— noog (@noogscorner) September 9, 2013
What They Say It Is: A Cheerios bombing What it Should Be: An Apple Jacks Strategy What It Really Is: A Kaboom Tantrum
— The_One_Who_Brings (@AceofSpadesHQ) September 9, 2013
*lays in bed slowly dying* *final moments* *beckons you closer with shaking finger* "P….p….parkour."
— Bucky Isotope (@BuckyIsotope) September 9, 2013
We see you, people drinking disgusting green smoothies, we see you.
— Fun_Beard (@Fun_Beard) September 9, 2013
World now treating Obama like a 8th grade study hall treats a substitute teacher.
— David Burge (@iowahawkblog) September 9, 2013
O's Syria pitch = Tom Sawyer's fence-painting pitch if Tom forgot to convince everyone painting was cool, then got mad no one's painting.
— Mary Katharine Ham (@mkhammer) September 6, 2013
The Robocop remake doesn't have nearly as many killer robots as the Iraq War remake the US is working on.
— CC:Indecision (@indecision) September 6, 2013
I feel terrible that my son is being bullied but I can't help myself he's such a nerd.
— Danny Zuker (@DannyZuker) September 6, 2013
I'm no fan of guns, but this new shoulder holster is just the perfect size and shape for my emergency grilled cheese.
— Jason Miller (@longwall26) September 6, 2013
I also delete all my conversations, with binge drinking
— Dave Dittell (@davedittell) September 6, 2013
this is the story of a girl who cried a river and drowned the whole world. 7 billion people. largest mass murder in history. worse than hitl
— 8 bit fox (@8bitf0x) September 7, 2013
I do this hot move in bed where I grab my ankles and moan until the cramp goes away.
— Shari VanderWerf (@shariv67) September 8, 2013
inflation is stupid and bad, but that’s just my five cents
— Ben Aflac (@PajamaBen_) September 5, 2013
Rush Limbaugh is publishing a children's book. Hopefully it's called "James and the Giant Impeachment Hearing."
— CC:Indecision (@indecision) September 5, 2013
People have sacrificed thousands of man hours bringing you the most advanced gaming possible and you idiots play Candy Crush.
— noog (@noogscorner) September 5, 2013
Celebrities: They're Just Like Us! Except you, Mable. Celebrities are nothing like you. Put down the magazine and go.
— Sean Thomason (@TheThomason) September 5, 2013
If your daughter owns a cell phone at 12 years old she is going to grow up to be a stripper.
— Will Kane (@3rdand10) September 5, 2013
#Kaboom is to cereals what Spencer's Gifts is to Christmas presents. When you want to let someone know even the thought doesn't count.
— The_One_Who_Brings (@AceofSpadesHQ) September 5, 2013
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We're being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
— Jason Miller (@longwall26) September 4, 2013
Axe Bodyspray is asking it's fans to tweet them selfies. Why do they need so many pics of tenured comparative lit professors?
— Jordan_Morris (@Jordan_Morris) September 4, 2013
Things got a little out of hand. It's just this war and that LYING SON OF A BITCH THE WORLD! #ObamaExcuses
— James Taranto (@jamestaranto) September 4, 2013
if a cop sees a police car scanner in your car they immediately arrest you for being a super cool badass
— cool as h*ck turtle (@dubstep4dads) September 3, 2013
"50 Shades of Grey" fans are hurt by the casting choices. "50 Shades" producers grip their whips tighter, murmur, "Good…"
— Rob Kutner (@ApocalypseHow) September 3, 2013
OPERATION I'M NOT ANGRY I'M JUST VERY DISAPPOINTED
— The_One_Who_Brings (@AceofSpadesHQ) September 3, 2013
If when giving my eulogy you mention my one-time affinity for dave matthews band I will rise like a phoenix and eliminate you.
— jon sender (@senderblock23) September 3, 2013
Teach your daughter to shoot, 'cause a restrainin' order is just a piece of paper. Merica.
— Cloyd Rivers (@CloydRivers) September 4, 2013
I'm thinking maybe, just possibly, the Arab world does not regard Barack Obama as the strong horse.
— Dan McLaughlin (@baseballcrank) August 30, 2013
Bruce Willis is checking into a flight & is asked if he requires extra legroom. Bruce says no & anxiously looks around for 3-legged people
— Fred Delicious (@Fred_Delicious) August 30, 2013
Syria is nothing like Iraq. For one thing, In Iraq, we had England on our side.
— CC:Indecision (@indecision) August 30, 2013
If only we could get some insight from the person who was the Secretary of State for the last four years. Alas, not possible.
— RB (@RBPundit) August 30, 2013
1. Seal lips together with a chip clip. 2. Point frantically at mouth until stranger removes clip. 3. Spit out dozens of chips.
— Matt Roller (@rolldiggity) August 30, 2013
A fun thing to do during a boring play is to leap up in your seat with a Super Soaker full of paint and shout "DEUS EX MACHINAAAAAAAA!"
— Julieanne Smolinski (@BoobsRadley) August 31, 2013
Obama is playing chess. Assad is playing laugh at the guy playing chess.
— David Burge (@iowahawkblog) September 1, 2013
"I trust that guy about as far as I can throw him." -The Incredible Hulk, about a guy he trusts a lot
— Guy Endore-Kaiser (@GuyEndoreKaiser) September 1, 2013
I hope I look as good as Morgan Freeman when I'm 75 and black
— Eli Braden (@EliBraden) September 1, 2013
Name your kid Beat so if you drop him you can make a hilarious joke to ease the tension.
— noog (@noogscorner) September 1, 2013
So does Slate think rich women shouldn't abort babies that could go to public schools?
— Jonah Goldberg (@JonahNRO) August 29, 2013
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don't know.
— Jason Miller (@longwall26) August 29, 2013
Getting naked is part of @LenaDunham's contribution to society. Her other, far more important contribution is getting dressed.
— Jim Treacher (@jtLOL) August 29, 2013
Weird how society just accepted people using the word "Baby" as a romantic way to address someone you're having sex with.
— Gavin Speiller (@gavinspeiller) August 29, 2013
I once knew a guy who *wanted* to be called T-Bone. So we called him Koko instead.
— Sonny Bunch (@SonnyBunch) August 29, 2013
I'm not afraid to get my hands dirty *rolls up Oreo sleeves*
— michael (@michaeljhudson) August 29, 2013
Must be frustrating for some that Syria not oil rich. Denied chance to tweet sagely that talk of action on CW is really all about oil.
— Tom Fletcher (@HMATomFletcher) August 27, 2013
i slept like a rock "u mus be wel-rested then" no. *puls u so close to my face that our noses smoosh & our eyebals touch* rocks nevre sleep
— jomny sun (@jonnysun) August 27, 2013
Corporations profit by poisoning their customers and have lavish budgets for hit men and wet-work teams. #thingsthatonlyhappeninthemovies
— Jonah Goldberg (@JonahNRO) August 27, 2013
They've created an iPhone case that also holds you credit cards and cash -for those who like to consolidate their things getting stolen.
— Evan Morgenstern (@evanjm02) August 27, 2013
the boss hands me a gun, "you know what to do." I nod. outside, I frantically google: boss gun why how to kill is killing ok regift gun ok
— Dave Dittell (@davedittell) August 27, 2013
#NameObamasNewWar Operation Don't Worry It's Not For Oil, Or Anything Else For That Matter
— David Burge (@iowahawkblog) August 28, 2013
Call me old fashioned, but I still prefer slingshot-ing REAL birds into REAL walls.
— Matt Roller (@rolldiggity) August 28, 2013
Then because my dumb ass couldn't enjoy just one icing I was left with icingless toaster strudels and complete and utter emptiness
— christine teigen (@chrissyteigen) August 29, 2013
"Excuse me for teaching drowning people to BELIEVE in themselves." -Lazy lifeguard
— Matt Roller (@rolldiggity) August 26, 2013
What would I do for a Klondike bar? Purchase one.
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) August 26, 2013
In the middle of an argument, when you're really in the screaming heat of it, throw in, "I HATE YOUR SHOES!" Their expression is gold.
— John Cheese (@johncheese) August 26, 2013
In the middle of an argument, when you're really in the screaming heat of it, throw in, "I HATE YOUR SHOES!" Their expression is gold.
— John Cheese (@johncheese) August 26, 2013
Every conversation I've had with the plumber boils down to: "why does this cost so much?" "Because you can't do it."
— James Lileks (@Lileks) August 26, 2013
Is there an anti-war movement out there, or do we have to wait for President Christie first?
— David Freddoso (@freddoso) August 26, 2013
The Kool-Aid man was a really lousy sniper in Vietnam.
— Bucky Isotope (@BuckyIsotope) August 26, 2013
If you need graduate school to understand how something is racist, it's not.
— David Burge (@iowahawkblog) August 26, 2013
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman's parents kill themselves.
— Chase Mitchell (@ChaseMit) August 23, 2013
#BetterBatmanThanBenAffleck A real live bat, shaved, in a rubber suit, with claymation mouth; or, in other words, Matt Damon
— David Burge (@iowahawkblog) August 23, 2013
This sucks. Now I’m embarrassed to wear my batman costume to the grocery store.
— Bucky Isotope (@BuckyIsotope) August 23, 2013
You are more upset about Ben Affleck getting cast as Batman than Obama is about anything happening in Syria.
— CC:Indecision (@indecision) August 23, 2013
The real tragedy of Goldilocks And The Three Bears is that Mr and Mrs Bear, a young married couple, already sleep in separate beds.
— Sixth Form Poet (@sixthformpoet) August 23, 2013
Sorry about your divorce, 40 year-old guys wearing Affliction shirts.
— Bryan Donaldson (@TheNardvark) August 23, 2013
"Knock knock." "Who's there?" "Lettuce." "That's impossible."
— anti joke apple (@antijokeapple) August 23, 2013
100% of girls named Cassie need to just calm down for a second.
— Jamie Woodham (@jwoodham) August 23, 2013
We can all start calling her Chelsea Manning, but it won't stop your mom from thinking the name is Bradley Snowden.
— CC:Indecision (@indecision) August 22, 2013
You know who else served in the US military and then asked to change his name? Yep. Wolverine.
— Greg Pollowitz (@GPollowitz) August 22, 2013
there are plenty of fish in the sea. there are plenty of eels in the sea. there are plenty of sharks in the sea. the odds are against you
— what do i put here (@trilldrone) August 22, 2013
Sharknado reminds me of that guy in high school who said something funny once and just kept saying it over and over until we killed him.
— Emily V Gordon (@thegynomite) August 22, 2013
Sorry I'm late, been real busy giving myself too much credit for being polite to homeless people.
— Sean Thomason (@TheThomason) August 22, 2013
if i like one thing, it’s picking something and saying it’s the only thing i like
— jon hendren (@fart) August 22, 2013
Wish someone would make a porn parody of my love life.
— dan guterman (@danguterman) August 22, 2013
"Who wants to GET BIRD FLU? …sorry, "PARTY," I meant 'Who wants to PARTY?'" — me, terrible DJ
— BillCorbett (@BillCorbett) August 22, 2013
If the Army isn't gonna provide sexual reassignment surgery then why even join?
— Dan Ewen (@VaguelyFunnyDan) August 22, 2013
i wish i had even a little of the confidence of the mayor in "jaws"
— john freiler (@johnfreiler) August 22, 2013
It's really hard to address someone named Mr. Smart Guy without sounding sarcastic.
— Matt Roller (@rolldiggity) August 21, 2013
I'm a big fan of Nirvana *catches shotgun from offscreen* but there's nothing "Welcome to the jungle" about suicide by gunshot wound
— Fred Delicious (@Fred_Delicious) August 21, 2013
Not Reading Maureen Dowd is the Thinking Man's Not Reading Kathleen Parker.
— The_One_Who_Brings (@AceofSpadesHQ) August 21, 2013
dear @algore: if I can buy carbon credits so I can pollute, can I buy racism credits so I can be racist?
— Greg Pollowitz (@GPollowitz) August 21, 2013
I've altered your Constitutional rights. Pray I don't alter them any further. Too late, you can't pray.
— Renna (@RennaW) August 20, 2013
the sponge is my kitchen sink's Picture of Dorian Gray
— Mickey McCauley (@Mickey_McCauley) August 20, 2013
Will Putin grant Sunny Obama asylum if she tries to flee punishment for White House leaks?
— CC:Indecision (@indecision) August 20, 2013
I'll bless you after the first sneeze, after that you need to shut up
— Brian Gaar (@briangaar) August 20, 2013
*puts down smoking shotgun* I think you mean Where the Wild Things Were.
— Sadvil (@crylenol) August 20, 2013
Cosmo 10 tips for beating the water temple in Zelda that will drive your man wild
— lawblob (@lawblob) August 20, 2013
There's been less fallout over #Benghazi than there was over a rodeo clown.
— Razor (@hale_razor) August 20, 2013
I've got four words for you: I LOVE COUNTING WORDS.
— Tim Long (@mrtimlong) August 20, 2013
what idiot called it a birth certificate instead of the born identity?
— john truckasauras (@chuchugoogoo) August 20, 2013
