hey gamers, i’ve got a “Final Fantasy” for you…. touching a woman’s boob!! *CSI Miami theme starts playing at like 300 decibels*

— lawblob (@lawblob) August 19, 2013

What's your favorite musical instrument that involves a plaid sack? Mine's probably the bagpipes.

— Jason Miller (@longwall26) August 19, 2013

At the water bottling factory they don't have fire extinguishers or sprinklers, they just have a machine gun.

— John! (@OuterJohn) August 19, 2013

True tolerance is never discrediting another human being for not agreeing with you.

— Jordan Crowder (@jordancrowder) August 19, 2013

If I cut off my ponytail my pet iguana will die.

— Bryan Donaldson (@TheNardvark) August 16, 2013

Wow. Area 51 is a real place and the government monitors your actions??? That news is so old, it could co-star with Morgan Freeman in Red 3.

— Don Nichols (@TheDairylandDon) August 16, 2013

I tried this internet recipe for supposedly the best ever chicken roasted in a crock pot. Superlatives mean nothing anymore.

— SarahK Fleming (@sarahk47) August 16, 2013

Sometimes I ask the cashier if she has one of those markers that shows if money is counterfeit and when she says yes I just walk out.

— MJ (@sucittaM) August 17, 2013

yeah my body is a temple, a Temple Of Doom. it’s been around since 1984 and it hasn’t aged well

— lawblob (@lawblob) August 18, 2013

attractive woman just smiled at me on the street AND gave me some change looks like you still got it murray

— Steve Murray (@NPsteve) August 15, 2013

Pac-Man is a good metaphor for life because the goal is to eat all the pellets in a level. There is also fruit & ghosts, just like in life

— Brian Gaar (@briangaar) August 15, 2013

Maybe it's the visual manifestation of her crippling body dysmorphia brought on by societal pressures, maybe it's Maybelline.

— Fun_Beard (@Fun_Beard) August 15, 2013

I was into Walt Disney's head way before it was cool.

— Rob Kutner (@ApocalypseHow) August 15, 2013

"…and by the time the giraffe realized he'd been punched in the face, I was already halfway down the ladder." -Excerpt from my memoir

— Matt Roller (@rolldiggity) August 15, 2013

The opposite of "Free Willy" is "Predestinationy."

— Ken Jennings (@KenJennings) August 15, 2013

The Rodeo Clown incident was all about Obama's skin. Not its color, its thinness.

— David Burge (@iowahawkblog) August 14, 2013

What's big, red and will kill you if it falls out of a tree? A firetruck.

— anti joke apple (@antijokeapple) August 14, 2013

they used to allow cell phones on airplames but the pasengers kept textimg the pilots to do loop-de-loops & barrel rols. it was too rad

— jomny sun (@jonnysun) August 14, 2013

Sandra Oh is leaving Grey's Anatomy?? Grey's Anatomy is still on?? I'm tweeting about Grey's Anatomy??

— Alex Baze (@bazecraze) August 14, 2013

Be warned non-whites. From now on when I want something you have, I'm going to invoke #WhitePrivilege. Cause I'm told that's my thing.

— Ben Howe (@BenHowe) August 15, 2013

If you liked LINCOLN, you might enjoy JUST SHOOT ME!

— Bad Netflix Recs (@BadNetflixRecs) August 13, 2013

I like to contemplate my existence with the 15 seconds Netflix gives me between episodes.

— manipulatethis (@ManipulateThis) August 13, 2013

Baby you know I love you and I want you to meet my friends, but *sighs* girls aren’t allowed in the treehouse.

— noog (@noogscorner) August 13, 2013

Dick Morris has a better track record of predictions than the AGW climate models.

— Dan McLaughlin (@baseballcrank) August 13, 2013

I GET KNOCKED DOWN Grandma- BUT I GET UP AGAIN Just- YOU’RE NEVER GONNA KEEP ME DOWN Officer is it really necessary to tase her that much?

— Bucky Isotope (@BuckyIsotope) August 13, 2013

Democrats to Run Late-Term Abortion Supporter in Texas, Wonder Why They Can't Win in Texas

— SunnyRight (@sunnyright) August 13, 2013

How about this deal: We abolish all voter ID. But also NICS background checks, proof of residency, gun-purchase permits, and CCW cards.

— Charles C. W. Cooke (@charlescwcooke) August 14, 2013

Stop & Frisk is a bad policy and an even worse way to deal with being on fire.

— Jess Dweck (@TheDweck) August 12, 2013

I flew my dog to Martha's Vineyard at taxpayer expense in consultation with businesses.

— Anthony Bialy (@AnthonyBialy) August 12, 2013

The judge went too far when he sentenced Whitey Bulger to having his life story turned into a movie starring Ashton Kutcher.

— CC:Indecision (@indecision) August 12, 2013

Real French tips aren’t nails, they’re tidbits like “be rude to everyone”.

— jon sender (@senderblock23) August 12, 2013

You'd think the supposed Professor of Constitutional Law would calm down his crazed minions and tell them people are allowed to goof on him

— HeWhoIsFatedToBring (@AceofSpadesHQ) August 13, 2013

You can achieve everything you want if you're unambitious enough.

— Sixth Form Poet (@sixthformpoet) August 13, 2013

"I care about the poor! I voted for _____" <— Idiotic thing to say.

— Jay Caruso (@JayCaruso) August 9, 2013

There must be a Godwin's Law equivalent for saying your opponents must be motivated by bigotry.

— Dan McLaughlin (@baseballcrank) August 9, 2013

*Heisenberg pulls into AutoZone* “Whats the problem, sir?” My car. It just keeps *lowers shades* braking bad. *Everybody laughs & does meth*

— Rob Fee (@robfee) August 9, 2013

Watching the first black president say what is and is not worthwhile civil disobedience is sort of strange.

— daveweigel (@daveweigel) August 9, 2013

ObamaCare is like your new iPad electrocuting you while you're trying to do the dishes.

— John Hayward (@Doc_0) August 9, 2013

Kids are like onions. They make me cry and then I suplex them.

— jon sender (@senderblock23) August 9, 2013

Evil Scientist: [turns on laser, burning through table I'm tied to] "Any last words?" Me: "Do you buy a new table every time you do this?"

— Matt Roller (@rolldiggity) August 9, 2013

Coexist, but don't overdo it.

— Dean Clancy (@DeanClancy) August 10, 2013

Daniel Day-Lewis is instructed to "just be himself." "Thank you for freeing me from this prison" he says as he slowly fades away

— Mike Bianchi (@Mike_Bianchi) August 8, 2013

[boob tattoo of the Chinese character for “take me seriously as a working professional”]

— Mat H. (@echo4H) August 8, 2013

I'm gonna start my own version of Twitter called JibberJabber. Character limit: 0

— Mr. T (@MrT) August 8, 2013

Like most Americans, I've never watched Mad Men, Breaking Bad, Girls or Game of Thrones.

— Dan McLaughlin (@baseballcrank) August 8, 2013

A lot of ventriloquists call their figures "Chip" because Chip is the kind of thing a deranged lunatic would name a child.

— Jason Miller (@longwall26) August 8, 2013

When I'm lying on my deathbed, my one big regret will be that I'm lying on my deathbed.

— Sixth Form Poet (@sixthformpoet) August 8, 2013

Dinosaurs were made up by the CIA to discourage time travel. Wake up, sheeple!

— Steve Oglesby (@SteveOglesby) August 8, 2013

Also, Elysium and District 9 are among those SUPER RARE movies in which heroic white dudes save non-white people.

— daveweigel (@daveweigel) August 8, 2013

Remember, your odds of winning Powerball are much lower than being hit by a car. Especially if I'm driving and see you in line for a ticket.

— Ken Jennings (@KenJennings) August 7, 2013

I hate those unrealistic films where people do interesting things and become better people.

— Sixth Form Poet (@sixthformpoet) August 7, 2013

PBS is producing a "Pride & Prejudice" sequel. It's called "2 Proud, 2 Prejudiced."

— Rob Kutner (@ApocalypseHow) August 7, 2013

Men love Game of Thrones because it focuses on the truly thrilling part of sex: siring heirs

— DepressiveBlogger69 (@AceofSpadesHQ) August 7, 2013

I've wasted a lot of time in my life but at least I don't have a favorite golfer.

— Julius Sharpe (@juliussharpe) August 8, 2013

All the whores and Buzzfeed writers will look up and shout "More Grumpy Cat memes!" and I'll look down and whisper, "No."

— Sadvil (@crylenol) August 8, 2013

When you look at Twitter's trending topics, it's a lot easier to understand why they have to write "Do Not Eat" on silica gel packets.

— Ashley Feinberg (@ashfein) August 6, 2013

Got beat up by the guy who coined humblebrag.

— dan guterman (@danguterman) August 6, 2013

By 2018, the NYTimes and the WaPo will be 2 groups of middle aged women writing complements about each other on Facebook.

— David Burge (@iowahawkblog) August 6, 2013

All these people outside must not know Demolition Man is on AMC.

— Sean Gabay (@ixSEANxi) August 6, 2013

Every graf in an Obama speech: Partisan Attack + Attack on Partisanship + Call For Honesty + Made Up Factoid + "And the Middle Class"

— DepressiveBlogger69 (@AceofSpadesHQ) August 6, 2013

Instead of "Goodbye", I always say, "Smell ya later!" so when people wake up to me smelling them in bed, I can whisper, "I warned you…"

— Matt Roller (@rolldiggity) August 5, 2013

We're keeping embassies closed as a reminder of how fearful life was under Bush.

— Anthony Bialy (@AnthonyBialy) August 5, 2013

"Millennials have a finely tuned BS filter & voted largely for Obama" Hmm. Only 1 of these things can be true.

— Political Math (@politicalmath) August 5, 2013

[rips colorful ribbons and pinwheels off horse] "Do you want to be whimsical, or do you want to be FAST?!?"

— Matt Roller (@rolldiggity) August 2, 2013

Is The Wire any good? No one’s told me in the last 36 seconds.

— Rob Fee (@robfee) August 2, 2013

If your rebuttal doesn't begin with a sarcastic "Umm" you've already lost the argument.

— BillCorbett (@BillCorbett) August 3, 2013

As Chekhov said, if you put a gun in the first act, you're doing a very weird production of "You're a Good Man, Charlie Brown."

— Sean Thomason (@TheThomason) August 5, 2013

Radio ad says "a cracked windshield hurts the structural integrity of your car" leading to a hull breach forcing you to eject your warp core

— Mike P (@krankor) August 1, 2013

There's nobody dumber than someone who can be replaced by a 17 year old with two weeks of training going on strike. #fastfoodworkers

— John Hawkins (@johnhawkinsrwn) August 1, 2013

if a bailiff says you can step outside to smoke the correct response is not 'smoke what?' i have just learned

— (____)_) (@buttscientist) July 31, 2013

McDonalds should have the same minimum wage as the Huffington Post. #DavesIdeas

— David Burge (@iowahawkblog) July 31, 2013

Clerks (1994) (Comedy) – Two privileged white men discuss the tragedy of steady employment.

— A$AP Andy (@Fauxgyptian) July 31, 2013

Let's face it, pretty much every romantic comedy from the 90's should have ended with the woman being arrested.

— Julia Segal (@juliasegal) August 1, 2013

EVERYONE WHO GOES BY THEIR MIDDLE NAME IS LIVING A LIE

— Brian Gaar (@briangaar) August 1, 2013

Being an adult is being able to say, "You know what? I've looked at enough Google pics of monkeys in hats today. There's a tomorrow."

— Jason Miller (@longwall26) July 29, 2013

If you're going to a heckle a puppet show you have to do it with your own puppet

— sweaty five dollars (@iscoff) July 29, 2013

A good way to see if you can trust your barber is to tattoo a treasure map under your hair and see if they tell you about it during the cut.

— Matt Roller (@rolldiggity) July 29, 2013

I don't believe the 1st amendment should protect a reality contestant's right to describe their experience as "a journey."

— Danny Zuker (@DannyZuker) July 29, 2013

Old Wisdom: @MSNBC is pandering to the @dailykos audience New Reality: @msnbc is embarrassing the @dailykos audience

— DepressiveBlogger69 (@AceofSpadesHQ) July 29, 2013

The children of Sudan would be so glad to hear that you only purchase locally farmed dog food.

— Fun_Beard (@Fun_Beard) July 29, 2013