The early bird gets the worm. He really identifies with the worm's struggle.

— donni (@donni) July 26, 2013

pretemd ur dead & donate ur body to science. theyll take u in & comgrats u have infiltrated science hq. now steal as much science as u can

— jomny sun (@jonnysun) July 26, 2013

My children are a gag gift from God.

— Danny Zuker (@DannyZuker) July 26, 2013

Lake Superior. That's a little elitist.

— Jim Gaffigan (@JimGaffigan) July 26, 2013

If there’s bagpipes at my funeral I swear to god ill open that casket and shoot myself again.

— Sean Gabay (@ixSEANxi) July 26, 2013

If you ask a Slim Shady if he's the real one, legally he has to stand up.

— Rob Fee (@robfee) July 25, 2013

Whoever stole my shoes while I was on that bouncy castle needs to grow up.

— Sixth Form Poet (@sixthformpoet) July 25, 2013

Honestly, who can remember how many women you sexted outside your marriage after sexting already cost you a seat in Congress?

— SunnyRight (@sunnyright) July 25, 2013

*the doctor smiles at dad* congrats, you're a dad *turns to mom* congrats, you're a mother *turns to baby* congratulations you're a baby

— ｂｅｅ (@afriendlyb) July 25, 2013

Filner / Weiner 2016 (meters underwater)

— Erik (@torgospizza) July 26, 2013

I often wonder how my tweets are going to sound when read aloud at my future divorce hearing.

— Danny Zuker (@DannyZuker) July 26, 2013

Ur the worst, Connecticut. This same road work on 95 has been going on since u were a colony. Get it together.

— Bill Schulz (@BillSchulz) July 26, 2013

The good news is I'm dyslexic. The bad news is I have an amazing support system of family and friends.

— dan guterman (@danguterman) July 24, 2013

Whenever he talks economy, Obama sounds like he's trying to explain to his professor why his term paper will be late.

— Jon Gabriel (@ExJon) July 24, 2013

"If you can't handle me at my worst you don't deserve me at my best" -Someone who is an awful piece of garbage all the time.

— Will Kane (@3rdand10) July 24, 2013

They don't make prequels to porn movies because they would just two hour montages of little girls not getting enough hugs from their dads.

— Jessica (@Schmoodles) July 24, 2013

I expected Obama would say nothing new in his economics speech, but I didn't realize just how innovatively not-new it would be!

— John Podhoretz (@jpodhoretz) July 24, 2013

I'm just glad I'm not the pope. I only know of one guy who survived that job.

— Neal D. (@Neal_Dewing) July 24, 2013

Passed a sign for Cheetah's Gentlemen's club "FREE food till 4:00". Eating free food in the presence of other gentlemen? I'd be honored!

— Michael J Nelson (@michaeljnelson) July 23, 2013

There's a psychiatrist named Carlos Danger in southern Florida. Might be good for the two Carlos Dangers to spend some time together.

— Binyamin Appelbaum (@BCAppelbaum) July 23, 2013

*wins some fries playing mcdonalds monopoly, decides to go on for at least one more day*

— Fun_Beard (@Fun_Beard) July 23, 2013

I don't think I'm better than anyone else. Unless you're really into the royal baby story, then I'm much better than you.

— Danny Zuker (@DannyZuker) July 22, 2013

In 1960, the wealthiest metro area in America was Detroit. Today, it's Washington DC. #completelyunrelatedrandomfacts

— David Burge (@iowahawkblog) July 22, 2013

I'm on a seaweed diet. I see weed and i report it to the cops immediately. Then I go home and eat a bunch of seaweed

— Fred Delicious (@Fred_Delicious) July 22, 2013

Drunk Nate Silver running through the halls of the NYT, telling Maureen Dowd she's written the same column for the last eight years

— Brett LoGiurato (@BrettLoGiurato) July 22, 2013

A village somewhere in the third world can expect a plane load of "The Princess of Cambridge" t-shirts tomorrow. #RoyalBaby

— Derek Hunter (@derekahunter) July 22, 2013

Al Qaeda is alive and Detroit is dead.

— SunnyRight (@sunnyright) July 22, 2013

Heh. @AmandaMarcotte's "all babies should be planned" tweets were typed on a device designed by an unplanned child given up for adoption.

— Political Math (@politicalmath) July 22, 2013

.@AmandaMarcotte is deeply concerned about infant mortality, unless of course it's intentional.

— Jim Treacher (@jtLOL) July 22, 2013

For perfect Hollandaise sauce every time you should have married me when you had the chance.

— Ceej (@ceejoyner) July 17, 2013

Nobody realizes that one of the biggest milestones in female rights and equality occurred when men found out Samus Aran was a girl.

— noog (@noogscorner) July 17, 2013

When I lose faith in humanity, I think of Chili's just handing out sick, light-up beepers, trusting us to return them. And know what? We do.

— Julieanne Smolinski (@BoobsRadley) July 17, 2013

I had to buy 20 different Golden Retrievers last month, but it was worth it to make my neighbor think her dog was turning back into a puppy.

— Matt Roller (@rolldiggity) July 17, 2013

Sharknado 2 idea: The Sharknado goes back in time to protect a boy from an even bigger and more deadly Sharknado.

— Tim Siedell (@badbanana) July 17, 2013

i can't think of a single life event that wouldn't be improved with the addition of shoes that have built-in smoke machines

— Sad Tiger (@SaddestTiger) July 17, 2013

Are people with barbed wire tattoos trying to make sure none of their inner douche escapes

— Eliza Bayne (@ElizaBayne) July 18, 2013

Detroit is the biggest U.S. city to go bankrupt. But don't worry, it'll keep shrinking.

— James Taranto (@jamestaranto) July 18, 2013

Probably the real reason the DOJ took Zimmerman's gun is Holder promised it to a Mexican drug lord.

— Bill Hobbs (@billhobbs) July 19, 2013

"Ladies and gentlemen, please rise for former Russian president Boris Yeltsin." (*Tetris music starts playing*)

— DC Pierson (@DCpierson) July 19, 2013

Every porcupine eventually reaches the sad realization that they will never own a waterbed.

— Matt Roller (@rolldiggity) July 16, 2013

In Under the Dome, Stephen King asks the question "Hey, what if Clichétown was put under a dome?"

— Michael Kupperman (@MKupperman) July 16, 2013

*gets a parkimg ticket* YAY FINALEY I GET TO PARK

— jomny sun (@jonnysun) July 16, 2013

The Newsroom is like my mom, because it's over-earnest and it only finds out about news stories two years after they happen.

— CC:Indecision (@indecision) July 15, 2013

As a society, we've done so well on race that the race hustlers have to attack whitey by pointing to cases that involve 0 white people.

— L K (@OrwellForce) July 15, 2013

Upping my "how was your weekend?" game by bringing a giraffe in a leather jacket with me to the office this fine morning.

— Jason Miller (@longwall26) July 15, 2013

Joe Biden walks nervously into the grocery store by himself for the first time He asks the clerk, "where are the snowman noses?"

— michael (@michaeljhudson) July 15, 2013

The worst thing about this trend of girls wearing big giant sunglasses is that I’ve become sexually attracted to wasps.

— Bryan Donaldson (@TheNardvark) July 15, 2013

I get why people dislike profiling, but if you see a Governor of Illinois in your neighborhood, you should dial 911.

— Dan McLaughlin (@baseballcrank) July 15, 2013

It's almost as if some Americans didn't take the true message of Sharknado to heart.

— Jonah Goldberg (@JonahNRO) July 16, 2013

pillows need to be stored above for safety. would hate for a pillow to come crashing into my face.

— christine teigen (@chrissyteigen) July 16, 2013

Panicked Hollywood executive: "Wait — did we already make a forgettable Wolverine movie?!"

— Michael J Nelson (@michaeljnelson) July 12, 2013

We are all Pauline Kael today: "But I don't know anyone who didn't watch #Sharknado!"

— Ben Shapiro (@benshapiro) July 12, 2013

A fun game when an older guy in front of you at airport security takes off his belt is to cower and whisper, "Please, Dad, not here…"

— Matt Roller (@rolldiggity) July 12, 2013

If you make little girls hold sexually explicit signs while throwing tampons don't ask why you haven't won a statewide election in 20 years.

— Rep. Steve Stockman (@SteveWorks4You) July 12, 2013

How do you confuse a blond? Paint yourself green and throw forks at her.

— anti joke apple (@antijokeapple) July 12, 2013

giv a man a fish adn he'll say "wat is this i ordered a mcflurry" teach a man to fish adn he'll say "how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds"

— jomny sun (@jonnysun) July 12, 2013

One time I got stuck behind a guy at a light that turned green cause he was staring at a karate dojo, daydreaming. I think about him a lot.

— Sean Gabay (@ixSEANxi) July 13, 2013

Developing: Zimmerman jury wants to know if they can rule manslaughter is actually a tax.

— DrewM (@DrewMTips) July 14, 2013

No matter how much contempt you have for the media in all this, you don't have enough

— Allahpundit (@allahpundit) July 14, 2013

This is ridiculous. How many more tragedies do we need before our government & judicial systems wake up & realize that we need Robocop?

— Rob Fee (@robfee) July 15, 2013

I would totally watch a version of "The Newsroom" in which Will McAvoy had to cover, with a straight face, the events of "True Blood".

— Tim Carvell (@timcarvell) July 15, 2013

After digging up thousands of fossils, scientists conclude that dinosaurs became extinct because they lived underground.

— Shari VanderWerf (@shariv67) July 10, 2013

"You're not the person I fell in love with!" is a fun thing to say to anyone who isn't the person you fell in love with.

— Sixth Form Poet (@sixthformpoet) July 10, 2013

"The Wheels On The Bus" is a way cooler song if you quietly whistle it while cutting the brake lines on a row of school buses.

— Matt Roller (@rolldiggity) July 10, 2013

I am writing a TV show about a time-traveling English professor bent on correcting everyone's grammar. #DoctorWhom

— Damon Lindelof (@DamonLindelof) July 10, 2013

I'm a spiritual-but-not-religious snake handler. Just kinda feel that The Universe wants me to hold snakes.

— BillCorbett (@BillCorbett) July 9, 2013

Damn girl, did you go to college? *removes wedding ring & throws it away* …cause I just got my Bachelor's degree

— john truckasauras (@chuchugoogoo) July 9, 2013

They're talking about recovering the Titantic to the surface but I doubt anyone survived that long.

— michael (@michaeljhudson) July 9, 2013

Am I a better husband or father? Well let's just say I never fantasize about being with other kids.

— Danny Zuker (@DannyZuker) July 9, 2013

Look in the mirror and ask yourself. Were you really that outraged by Jem?

— Dan Ewen (@VaguelyFunnyDan) July 9, 2013

Illegal immigrants already have citizenship. It's just somewhere else.

— David Burge (@iowahawkblog) July 9, 2013

Sometimes it's fun to post something completely non-controversial: Moby Dick's great; chocolate is good; cock-fighting's our finest sport.

— Michael J Nelson (@michaeljnelson) July 9, 2013

Most people don't know this but if you die inside a McDonald's they just assume no one loves you and toss your body in the dumpster.

— Pony Starwars (@tigersgoroooar) July 8, 2013

Has the guy who saw the Lone Ranger told anyone what he thought of it yet?

— Michael J Nelson (@michaeljnelson) July 8, 2013

Being sedentary isn't a "lifestyle," okay? I was BORN sedentary!

— Michael Ian Black (@michaelianblack) July 8, 2013

I'm a secondhand veggietarian. I eat cows. Cows eat grass. It's science. Merica.

— Cloyd Rivers (@CloydRivers) July 8, 2013

"We have visual contact with London?" "Yes, Sir" "And France?" "Confirmed, General" "Well then Private, where the hell are the underpants?!"

— Dan Ewen (@VaguelyFunnyDan) July 9, 2013

I'm sure the craftsmen who began aging this Scotch 12 years ago hoped it would be paired with Garden Salsa Sun Chips.

— Sean Thomason (@TheThomason) July 9, 2013

"We're gonna need a bigger boat." – John Kerry, to wife, at yacht dealership

— David Burge (@iowahawkblog) July 5, 2013

"It's like Die Hard on a plane" – a Valley girl watches the in-flight movie, Die Hard

— Mike Leffingwell (@mikeleffingwell) July 6, 2013

Really hope the fireworks my neighbor is setting off tonight burn down his Christmas decorations.

— Danny Zuker (@DannyZuker) July 7, 2013

If my ex is upset about me calling her "my ex lover" when I see her out in public, maybe she shouldn't have dumped me.

— Rory Patrick (@RorynotRoy) July 8, 2013

I’m no misogynist, mind you, I’m just terrible at making sandwiches.

— Monkey Butler (@MetricButtload) July 3, 2013

Muslim Brotherhood < Brotherhood of Evil Mutants

— daveweigel (@daveweigel) July 3, 2013

Everyone in Iceland looks like they train at Cobra Kai.

— dan guterman (@danguterman) July 3, 2013

Sure, Obama has lots of terrible ideas about foreign policy & national security, but he rarely does anything about them.

— Dan McLaughlin (@baseballcrank) July 4, 2013

We will elect a gay Arab president long before we elect one that owns a ferret

— Mickey McCauley (@Mickey_McCauley) July 4, 2013

If I die before I wake there's a gun and a list of suspects in my nightstand. Amen.

— Matt Roller (@rolldiggity) July 2, 2013

Now that Avril Lavigne and the guy from Nickleback are married do you think they'll start a bland together?

— Guy Endore-Kaiser (@GuyEndoreKaiser) July 2, 2013

Michael Bloomberg is like a less-charismatic, less-capable Lex Luthor.

— DepressiveBlogger69 (@AceofSpadesHQ) July 2, 2013

Shorter ObamaCare Delay: Math is hard.

— Stephen Green (@VodkaPundit) July 2, 2013

I'm still upset that "So You Think You Can Dance?" isn't a show about cowboys shooting at people's feet.

— TheBestWorstAdvice (@BestWorstAdvice) July 3, 2013