The early bird gets the worm. He really identifies with the worm's struggle.

— donni (@donni) July 26, 2013

pretemd ur dead & donate ur body to science. theyll take u in & comgrats u have infiltrated science hq. now steal as much science as u can

— jomny sun (@jonnysun) July 26, 2013

My children are a gag gift from God.

— Danny Zuker (@DannyZuker) July 26, 2013

Lake Superior. That's a little elitist.

— Jim Gaffigan (@JimGaffigan) July 26, 2013

If there’s bagpipes at my funeral I swear to god ill open that casket and shoot myself again.

— Sean Gabay (@ixSEANxi) July 26, 2013