Anonymiss of Nuking Politics picked her favorite punchlines to “To Ease the Pain of Obamacare Implementation, President Obama…”
Click here to see if you made the cut.
If you did, you should probably email Keln about becoming a guest blogger there.
If you didn’t, Anonymiss has got another straight line for you to practice on.
Keep trying. No one likes a quitter.
[High Praise! to Moonbattery]
You already know this stuff, but it’s fun watching someone illustrate it super-fast on a whiteboard while uplifting music plays in the background.
[YouTube direct link] (Viewer #1,486)
Republican Congressman Tim Huelskamp said “trusting Obama with border security is like trusting Bill Clinton with your daughter”.
Or Eric Holder with your guns.
[High Praise! to Nuking Politics]
[Think you have a link that’s IMAO-worthy? Send it to harvolson@gmail.com. If I use your link, you will receive High Praise! (assuming you remember to put your name in the email)]
For perfect Hollandaise sauce every time you should have married me when you had the chance.
— Ceej (@ceejoyner) July 17, 2013
Nobody realizes that one of the biggest milestones in female rights and equality occurred when men found out Samus Aran was a girl.
— noog (@noogscorner) July 17, 2013
When I lose faith in humanity, I think of Chili's just handing out sick, light-up beepers, trusting us to return them. And know what? We do.
— Julieanne Smolinski (@BoobsRadley) July 17, 2013
I had to buy 20 different Golden Retrievers last month, but it was worth it to make my neighbor think her dog was turning back into a puppy.
— Matt Roller (@rolldiggity) July 17, 2013
Sharknado 2 idea: The Sharknado goes back in time to protect a boy from an even bigger and more deadly Sharknado.
— Tim Siedell (@badbanana) July 17, 2013
i can't think of a single life event that wouldn't be improved with the addition of shoes that have built-in smoke machines
— Sad Tiger (@SaddestTiger) July 17, 2013
Are people with barbed wire tattoos trying to make sure none of their inner douche escapes
— Eliza Bayne (@ElizaBayne) July 18, 2013
Detroit is the biggest U.S. city to go bankrupt. But don't worry, it'll keep shrinking.
— James Taranto (@jamestaranto) July 18, 2013
Probably the real reason the DOJ took Zimmerman's gun is Holder promised it to a Mexican drug lord.
— Bill Hobbs (@billhobbs) July 19, 2013
"Ladies and gentlemen, please rise for former Russian president Boris Yeltsin." (*Tetris music starts playing*)
— DC Pierson (@DCpierson) July 19, 2013
George Zimmerman’s brother says he thinks the Obama administration is tapping the family’s phones.
Wait… I thought Obama got all his information from the news, just like everyone else?
So after half-time in America, things didn’t really turn around for Detroit, did it?
So Detroit had lots of government, lots of taxes, lots of unions, and decades of uninterrupted Democrat rule — what could possibly have gone wrong? And wasn’t Obama talking just before the election about how he “refused to let Detroit go bankrupt”? Because I guess he thought he has a magical power to subvert the basic forces of economics.
Ends up he didn’t, though. He simply has the power to throw lots of money in a hole and act like he’s accomplishing something.
In a more perfect world, this would lead to a discussion of the destructive forces of left-wing government running rampant and would cause us some soul-searching on how to keep what happened to Detroit from happening to all of California — but I’m guessing this is somehow going to be Republicans fault despite Republicans never having been allowed within 100 miles of Detroit over the last few decades.
So how do you put an end to left-wing government? Eventually it ends itself — though that’s no fun for anyone.
Well, there’s a bit of schadenfreude for those of us outside the blast zone.
I do think that there is a big difference between family farms and agri-business, and one of the distressing things that I think has occurred is with consolidation of farm lands. You’ve seen large agri-businesses benefit from enormous profits from existing farm programs, and I think we should be focusing most of those programs on those family farmers.
BARACK OBAMA, debate, Oct. 12, 2004
“Otherwise, how will family farmers have enough money so that they can donate to Democrat campaigns so that we can vote for more subsidies for family farms?”
[Rick Grimes, Bill Clinton, Ted Nugent and Barack are standing around Marilyn Monroe’s grave. A hulking form calling himself the Governor has just approached them.]
THE GOVERNOR: Come with me if you want to live.
RICK: What? Arnold Schwarzenegger is the Governor! This is officially getting too ri-gosh-dang-diculous! I quit! I’m done. I want out of my contract.
THE DIRECTOR: Wait! Rick, baby. Come back. Stay in character. Don’t do this to me. The fourth wall is crumbling down all around us!
RICK: No. I’m done. If anyone sees me in this drivel, I’ll never work again.
THE DIRECTOR: Don’t be like this. We can work this out.
RICK: No. THIS. All of THIS. What you have created. It can’t be worked out. Too deeply flawed. This is just the last straw. I can’t be a part of this any more.
THE DIRECTOR: It’s just a bit of bad on purpose, campy fun. You know. Schlocky. People like it. Just like Troll 2.
RICK: And have any of the actors in Troll 2 ever been seen again?
THE DIRECTOR: (stammers)
RICK: My point exactly.
THE DIRECTOR: Well, some of them were in the documentary about Troll 2.
RICK: My agent will be in touch.
THE DIRECTOR: You have to stay. You’re my centerpiece. My rock. The show won’t work without you.
THE GOVENOR: Hey. You said I was your rock. I was your centerpiece. I can’t work like this, with all these true lies. Either he goes or I go. When you are ready to apologize, I’ll be in my trailer. I’ll be there to PUMP (claps) your maid.
RICK: That isn’t even your catch phrase. That’s from the SNL bit.
THE GOVERNOR: Hast la vista, baby. Let me know when he is gone, and I’ll be back!
THE DIRECTOR: Arnie, wait. Don’t go. No, Rick. Come back.
RICK: You can use my understudy. That’s why you have him. Ricky, come here. Here’s the script. I know, I know. The dialog is stilted and forced and contrived, and nobody behaves as if they have any brains at all, but try and make it work. Good bye everyone, hopefully forever.
BARACK: Good bye, darling. Call me if you are every feeling lonely again. The other night was wonderful.
THE DIRECTOR: Oh, why didn’t I pay attention during the Diva Management class in film school? Can someone go tell Mr. Scharzenegger I’m ready to kiss up to him again?
To be continued, maybe, if I feel like it and can get new help.
Obama proposed making a smarter, more efficient government, and I explore in my new column how there is nothing more terrifying.
Just think for a moment of the same government that carried out the Fast & Furious program — but this time pretend it had a brain, so it didn’t get caught so easily. A government like that would basically be a supervillain. With a smarter government, we might as well move the Capitol to a hollowed-out volcano from which the government will plot what it’s going to do to us.
Read. Enjoy. Discuss.
Works like this: I feed you Moon Nukers a straight line, and you hit me with a punch line in the comments.
WWE wrestling match outcomes were recently leaked online. Also recently leaked…
The cartoon I posted this morning kinda hits a nerve with me.
I thought I told this story earlier, but I can’t find that I did. So, you’re gonna have to put up with it now. And you have no one to blame but yourself for reading it.
Anyway, I was driving into work one day — this was a couple of years ago — and I got behind a car with a Michigan tag. It also had an Obama sticker on it.
I prepared to turn at a light, and the vehicle in front of me, with the Michigan tag and Obama sticker, turned the same way. Next light, same thing. And, sure enough, drove into the parking area at work just ahead of me.
Now, I’m thinking, sure, our company is doing good, and hiring people from all over. But this is going too far.
Somebody from Michigan been voting Democrat, and then they’re having economic issues because, and then they need to move 800 miles south to get a job?
Okay, I’m fine, so far. They screwed up — screwed up bad — and now know better, right? No, they dumb as ever. They brought their Obama sticker with them.
That politics that screwed up their state, they’re bringing to my state, and now they’re going to screw it up, too.
Anyway, that’s why the cartoon last hour kinds resonates with me. The image of the dominoes falling worries me, if they make my state one of those dominoes, too.
Maybe something will fall on them. The most appropriate thing for what to fall on an Obama voter? Dorothy Gale’s house.
Silly how Amazon sometimes has the physical CD cheaper than the mp3 album — and then you get the mp3s for free when you buy the CD.
“So exploiting the death of children didn’t get movement on gun control, but maybe this verdict that most people agree with will.”
Do anti-gun people not understand they are beaten?
Idea to make education more effective: Stop trying to educate stupid kids and just give them those jobs we bring in illegals for.
Keith Olbermann? I thought he died.
So here’s something I never quite understood: There were people who at one point took Keith Olbermann seriously?
If I were to win a $100 million, I don’t think I’d be anywhere near as happy as my 2 month old son getting a glimpse of the ceiling fan.
I am boycotting the Olympics and will not be participating in any events.
We’re probably not going to make any big advances in the fight against racism until we elect a competent black president.
If you don’t like a state’s self defense laws, your best course of action is to not attack people in those states.
So now geniuses think it’s basically The Purge every day in the 30 states with Stand Your Ground laws.
Chicago doesn’t have stand your ground laws, and I don’t think any black youths have been killed then in… the past eight minutes or so.
Each second brings us ever closer to death… but also closer to our next life in Candy Crush.
Mos Eisley: “If you ever find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy, show us their ad and we’ll match their price.”
I’m thinking about doing a musical about Wolverine. Who do you think would be good to star for that?
Bought my wife the Les Miserables soundtrack and it had an explicit warning on it since it contains Russell Crowe attempting to sing.
Are there any Republican in the government in Detroit? They should try getting rid of them. Republicans are awful.
But Detroit had big government and unions to keep corporations in check; how’d that not work out?
They could replace Chris Matthews with Honey Boo Boo and lose half the audience from the show becoming too intellectual.
Has Detroit considered raising taxes?
If only Detroit could have held out until the employer mandate went in effect.
Don’t worry; I’m sure everyone in the government of Detroit has generous pensions and will be just fine.
Chopsticks? I came here to eat, P.F. Chang’s, not play pretend feudal peasant. Just give me a fork.
Democrats claiming to fight racism are like junkies claiming to fight the war on drugs.
If I were president, I’d also talk about how recent news reminded me of my young self… but I’d be referring to Sharknado.
Due to a packing mishap, I had to buy some underwear… and I realized that’s the first time I’ve done that in my 34 years of life.
You’re racist until proven innocent and it’s impossible to be proven innocent.
Voting for Obama and being Hispanic can’t save you from being a racist white person when the Spanish Inquisition comes for you.
The people who cry racism at everything are the KKK of this generation, and they are lashing out ad they’re becoming increasing marginalized
The constant cries of racism would seemed to be aimed at whites, but they’re not the ones hurt the most by it.
Salt Like City is a nice, clean, polite city; it’s like the America’s own Toronto.
I wish I could get my daughter to understand how important her napping is to my video game time.
How is Bioshock Infinite so critically acclaimed when it has no quicksave? I’m too old for “just let me play until the next checkpoint.”
The refinery is where crude oil is taught which fork to use for the salad.
