For perfect Hollandaise sauce every time you should have married me when you had the chance.

— Ceej (@ceejoyner) July 17, 2013

Nobody realizes that one of the biggest milestones in female rights and equality occurred when men found out Samus Aran was a girl.

— noog (@noogscorner) July 17, 2013

When I lose faith in humanity, I think of Chili's just handing out sick, light-up beepers, trusting us to return them. And know what? We do.

— Julieanne Smolinski (@BoobsRadley) July 17, 2013

I had to buy 20 different Golden Retrievers last month, but it was worth it to make my neighbor think her dog was turning back into a puppy.

— Matt Roller (@rolldiggity) July 17, 2013

Sharknado 2 idea: The Sharknado goes back in time to protect a boy from an even bigger and more deadly Sharknado.

— Tim Siedell (@badbanana) July 17, 2013

i can't think of a single life event that wouldn't be improved with the addition of shoes that have built-in smoke machines

— Sad Tiger (@SaddestTiger) July 17, 2013

Are people with barbed wire tattoos trying to make sure none of their inner douche escapes

— Eliza Bayne (@ElizaBayne) July 18, 2013

Detroit is the biggest U.S. city to go bankrupt. But don't worry, it'll keep shrinking.

— James Taranto (@jamestaranto) July 18, 2013

Probably the real reason the DOJ took Zimmerman's gun is Holder promised it to a Mexican drug lord.

— Bill Hobbs (@billhobbs) July 19, 2013

"Ladies and gentlemen, please rise for former Russian president Boris Yeltsin." (*Tetris music starts playing*)

— DC Pierson (@DCpierson) July 19, 2013