It’s Come to This: Ted Nugent Is Now the Smartest Man in America

[High Praise! to Moonbattery]

Here’s the lesson from all this, America: Teach your children to not attack people for no good reason whatsoever. Conduct yourself in a responsible, civil manner, and everything will be just fine. Try to kill someone and that someone just may be exercising his or her Second Amendment rights and you could get shot. It’s called self-defense, and it is the oldest, strongest and most righteous instinct and God-given right known to man.

For SarahK’s Birthday: The True Story of Her First Date With Frank J.

Ok, maybe it’s just “based” on a true story, but I’m pretty sure it went down something like this. The big difference is that SarahK is blond.

They DID meet online, though:


[YouTube direct link] (Viewer #256,203)

He’ll Do It In Half the Time Now

An Australian restaurateur has invented a new letter of the alphabet to replace the word “the”.

To help with his speeches, President Obama is now suggesting a letter to replace “uh”.

If Only MSNBC Had Actually Been This Objective About the Zimmerman Case

[High Praise! to The People’s Cube]

Link of the Day: Train Wrecks and Other Bad Things

[High Praise! to Nuking Politics]

Train Wrecks and Other Bad Things

UPDATE: See also this collection of movie train wreck videos from The Washington Examiner.

[Think you have a link that’s IMAO-worthy? Send it to harvolson@gmail.com. If I use your link, you will receive High Praise! (assuming you remember to put your name in the email)]

You Have a New Friend Request From State

So I guess the State Department was feeling lonely or had low self-esteem or something and decided it would be a good idea to try and increase their popularity on Facebook by getting people to “like” them. And of course, they did what most people that have no friends do on Facebook and paid “professional” Facebook friends to follow and like them.

You know, people in India and China who sit around all day liking and befriending people on Facebook for money. I don’t know how many faux Facebook friends three quarters of a million dollars can buy, but that’s what State felt was a modest amount of our tax dollars to spend.

It seems to me that there might be better ways to increase the popularity of the State Department, assuming that being popular even matters. So I thought of some other things they could try…

    Ways the State Department Can Make People Like Them Better

• Target Americans with drones that deliver free bacon.

• Enter John Kerry in to the Kentucky Derby.

• Apologize for Benghazi Hilliary Clinton kowtowing to Foreign Leaders mistakes made by rogue low level agents.

• Diplomacy by Twitter!

• Start pointing out that, at least they aren’t the NSA, IRS, or the Justice department.

• Or Congress…

• Letting people who connect to them on LinkedIn be ambassador for a day in the terrorist-ridden hotspot paradise nation of their choice.

• Issue an official State memo insulting the French.

Well, there’s probably more, but I’ll leave that up to you guys.

Like Most Snakes Are

Jay Carney said that, when it comes to implementing Obamacare, “we are flexible”.

Yes, they’re equally willing to let businesses be either crushed OR strangled.

You’ve Been Judged!

Anonymiss of Nuking Politics picked her favorite punchlines to Politico Leaked Obama’s Secret Strategy for His Second Term. It’s…

Click here to see if you made the cut.

If you did, you should probably email Keln about becoming a guest blogger there.

If you didn’t, Anonymiss has another straight line for you to practice on.

Keep trying. No one likes a quitter.

What about my state?

JessieJacksonMugshotJesse Jackson wants to boycott Florida.

So, just how does that work?

“I’m a lying, trouble-making, race-baiting, shakedown artist, con man. I’m going to ask people who support me to boycott Florida.”

Does that mean Florida doesn’t have to deal with people who look up to lying, trouble-making, race-baiting, shakedown artist, con men?

Florida wins.

How can Georgia get in on this?

Maybe we can do like Florida. No, I don’t mean some black teen getting shot. I mean, sure, there are lots of black teens getting shot in every state, including Georgia. Only, it’s usually other blacks doing the shooting. And, while that in and of itself is a major problem, it doesn’t address the issue of how to keep Jesse Jackson and his ilk away.

What I mean by doing like Florida is do nothing special. I’m sure Jesse Jackson will get his panties in a wad over something and call on a boycott of Georgia eventually. I just want to know how to hurry that along.

Maybe he’ll notice our state flag.

Obama Warned Us – Michelle

Most people who meet my wife quickly conclude that she is remarkable. They are right about this. She is smart, funny and thoroughly charming. Often, after hearing her speak at some function or working with her on a project, people will approach me and say something to the effect of, you know, I think the world of you, Barack, but your wife, wow!

BARACK OBAMA, The Audacity of Hope

“Yeah, well, all I can say is that these people never beat her at holo-chess… Ow…”

Phone-shopping time

ToyPhoneAfter Apple introduced the iPhone in June 2007, it really took off. It was a sensation. The only drawback at the time was that only one U.S. carrier, AT&T, carried the phone. Now, all the major carriers and many smaller carriers offer the iPhone.

When Android phones came out in 2008, they expanded the market more than took away iPhone sales. Me, for instance. I eventually switched from a BlackBerry to an Android phone. I was with Verizon, and, at the time, Verizon didn’t carry the iPhone, so, if I wanted one of those fancy phones, an Android phone was the best option.

Today, the iPhone is the top-selling phone. Now, before you get your panties in a wad, hear me out. It’s a matter of statistics, which can prove anything if you play with the numbers enough.

In the most recent numbers, iPhone has 39.2% of the market. While Android phones have 52.4% of the market, that’s spread across Samsung (23%), HTC (8.7%), Motorola (7.8%), LG (6.7%), and others (6.2%). So, iPhone is still the top-selling phone.

Now, as for operating system, Android is tops. But not really. There are a slew of Android operating systems. I’m not talking the skins the manufacturers put on top of the OS, I’m talking the actual underlying OS.

Apple’s iOS has 39.2% of the market, but there are different versions of iOS. The top is also the latest: iOS 6 is on 92.7% of devices. That works out to 36.3% of smartphones running iOS 6. And, that’s the top of all mobile operating systems.

Combined, all Android operating systems account for 52.4% of the market, but the leader is Jelly Bean (4.1.x, 4.2.x; API 16 & 17, respectively), which accounts for 37.9% of Android installations. That works out to 19.9% of smartphones running a version of Jelly Bean. That’s just over half of the number running iOS 6.

So, the actual top phone is Apple’s iPhone, and the top operating system is iOS 6.

What brought all this up? Well, I upgraded a phone a little over 18 months ago. At the time, Verizon was doing the 20-month renewal thing. So, 20 months will be up in early September. That’s six weeks away. I’m beginning to seriously think about a replacement for my iPhone 4. So, I decided to look at what others are using. And, those statistics tell me … it’s a strange market. Number two is number one and number one is number two and it’s just a big old jumble.

I don’t expect to change carriers (I’d have to wait for January for that, and I’m not unhappy with Verizon), so I’ll likely renew with Verizon. So, which phone to get?

Another iPhone? (I do like the iPhone. I really do.) Or, is there a reason to go back to Android?

Yes, I have an Apple computer, but I rarely sync my phone to my computer. With iOS 6, it’s really not necessary anymore.

I have an Apple TV, but I never use AirPlay to send phone content to it. I also have a Roku, so if I did want to send content to the TV, I could use Roku with an Android device for that.

I have an iPad (older first generation), but I also have a Kindle Fire (Android-based).

So, yes, I’m in the Apple ecosystem, but I’m comfortable outside it, too.

Truth be told, I’m leaning toward a new iPhone. Which I’d be happy with. But, I’m open to other phones. Tell me what you like about your Android phone. Or, your Windows phone. Or your BlackBerry. Okay, I’m just kidding about the BlackBerry.

But really, I’m curious about these Galaxy Maxx One phones, or whatever they are. I’m open to suggestions.

Suggest.

Straight Line of the Day: To Ease the Pain of Obamacare Implementation, President Obama…

Works like this: I feed you Moon Nukers a straight line, and you hit me with a punch line in the comments.

To ease the pain of Obamacare implementation, President Obama…

Over-thinking with technology

Video screenshot by Amanda Kooser/CNET

Video screenshot by Amanda Kooser/CNET


The nice people (I assume they’re nice) at DDB in Singapore have come up with a urinal system that tests for alcohol and records if you’re drunk. According to Cnet, it’s a system that involves getting an RFID card when you park:

Club-goers receive an RFID parking pass when they drop their cars off at valet. A device sitting in the urinal measures alcohol levels. An RFID reader near the urinal picks up each person’s parking pass. If the urine clocks in above the legal limit, a sign at eye level suggests calling a cab to get home and the system takes note.

When the partied-out patron goes to retrieve his car, he has to hand his RFID parking card over to the valet. The valet scans it and an alert pops up if the customer tested high on his urine.

Nice plan. Except for one detail.

You see, around here, I’ve found that many drunks don’t always urinate outside their pants. That means we can usually tell without an RFID card.

Sorry to burst your bubble, guys, but them’s the facts.

Maybe you can sell it to Obama’s NSA. I’m sure they’ll find a use for it. Maybe they’ll make them required equipment on those low-water flush toilets you have to buy.

The Wages of Hate

Now that the Zimmerman trial is concluded, we just have sit back and wait for the verdict’s inevitable impact on society.  Here are some of the things I expect to see take place in the near future.

  • In the tradition of Fred Astaire and other departed celebrities, UFC promo commercials will use a digitized Trayvon Martin.
  • Rolling Stone will have a cover story about the sexiest acquitted killers. Zimmerman won’t make the list.
  • NBC will selectively edit the audio recordings from the court to make Zimmerman seem to plead guilty and admit to loathing all races.
  • During this national crisis, Obama will suspend habeas corpus and put Zimmerman in the stocks for display and ridicule during a national telethon.  The proceeds will go toward NBC’s legal defense fund.
  • There will be an inevitable made for TV movie ‘inspired by the events’ in which Zimmerman will be played by Michael Shannon and Trayvon will be played by Willow Smith.
  • The next time a black guy kills a white kid, the media will tout it as a racist hate crime.  No wait.  No they won’t. 
  • The prosecution will blame the outcome of the trial on funding cuts due to the sequester.
  • Michael Bloomberg will ban hoodies in NYC as being bad for one’s health. 
  • Zimmerman will be the unwitting star of BET’s new reality show, The Hunted.  The reward is $50,000.
  • MSNBC will offer Zimmerman his own talk show just so they can slowly asphyxiate him on live TV during the premiere.
  • Fashion reporters on Entertainment Television will start promoting Hispanic as the new white.

Look Out! He’s Got a Pop-Tart!

Republicans have proposed a bill that would defund schools with rules against playing with imaginary guns.

Seems unfair. Just continue the funding with imaginary dollars.