Someone on Twitter showed me this chart:

Did you realize murder was this segregated? That’s racism right there. Why won’t most white people and black people murder each other?

Not only do we need to get along better as races, but apparently we need to also be violent in a more open way — more comfortable killing people who aren’t like us. Or something.

Racism is confusing.

So, Harry Reid, the most effective Senate majority leader since Toonces, the legislating cat, is threatening the nuclear option if Republicans don’t approve some of Obama’s nominees.

Now, Reid has a point here that Republicans are being obstructionist. The Republicans objections to Obama’s nominees are that they’re all terrible… but Obama has never nominated someone who wasn’t terrible, so it seems pretty unreasonable to put that demand on Obama now. Obama is too incompetent to recognize competency; these nominees are the best people he is capable of nominating.

But if Reid uses the nuclear option and gives more power to whoever holds a simple majority in the Senate, that could come back to bite the Democrats pretty soon. There’s a good chance that Republicans will get a majority in the Senate in 2014 (just ask modern day oracle Nate Silver), and looking for revenge, they’ll probably use these new rules to even further punish the minority party. I’m guessing they’ll block everything Obama wants to do and use special rules to dismantle Obamacare. Obama will probably spend his last two years in his room crying.

Actually, that sounds awesome. Put me down in favor of the nuclear option. This could be the best thing Reid has ever done.

[Bill Clinton, Ted Nugent, Rick Grimes and Barack are at Lee Harvey Oswald’s grave.  Ted is on watch with his bow, Barack is grooming himself leisurely, Rick is digging up the grave and Bill is leaning on a shovel]

 RICK: I know I’ve asked this before, but are you certain, I mean absolutely certain, that this is Oswald’s grave?  That monument looks way too precocious for an assassin.

 BILL: Of course I’m certain.  I patterned my life after JFK.  He was my hero.  I know everything about him.  Oh, hey.  That one over there looks a lot like Mrs. Bradford.  She was my seventh grade health teacher and first mistress.

 NUGENT: (Shoots zombie in the head with an arrow)

 RICK: What?

 BILL: Well, not at the same time, of course.  That would be a conflict of interest.  We broke it off well before I started middle school.  She did let me out of the sex education lecture, though.  Said I already taught her everything she needed to know.

 RICK: You are so full of sh….

 NUGENT: Shhhhhhh.  I think I hear something.  Nope, just a squirrel. 

 BARACK: Is it crunchable, precious?  Is it juicy?

 NUGENT: (Shoots bow) Have at it.

 BARACK: (scampers off) Mmmmmmmm. So juicy sweet!

 RICK: (to BILL) You know, this would go much quicker if you got down here and helped dig.

 BILL:  Sorry.  Can’t.  Union rules.  I can only oversee.  I feel your pain, though, so I’ll entertain you with some more anecdotes. 

 RICK: This should be interesting.

 BILL: This would have been scandalous if the media ever found out, but when I was Governor in Little Rock, I dabbled in cock fighting.  My pool boy and gardener told me all about it and got me interested in it.  I spent months training for my first bout, but when I entered the ring and saw my opponent, I discovered that they hadn’t been entirely forthright with me, shall we say.  Nevertheless, due to my strict training regimen, my cock was in the best shape of its life, and years of being married to Hillary had prepared it to face all sorts of unmentionable things.  Surprising everyone, I took down that rooster in the first round and the one in the second.  Then I was matched against Rojo Grande for the title fight.  He had never been defeated.  The battle was epic and brutal, and by the end my cock had seen better days.  It needed 97 stitches, but ultimately, my superior reach had proved the difference as I clubbed it into submission.  I feasted upon its flesh that night. 

 RICK: Have you ever said anything that was true?  Hey, I think we’re there.  It’s the lid.  Get the ropes.

 [Pounding and scratching can be heard from within the coffin, along with some slurred singing.  Just as Rick jumps from the pit, the thing inside the coffin pushes the lid open and rises up, buxom and blonde.]

 ZOMBIE: Happah birthdaaaah, Mistaaaar Presideuunht.

 BARACK: Happy birthday to meeeeeee.  To meeeeeee.   To meeeeee.   Heeeheeeheeeheeeee. No mommy.  No more birthday spankings.  No more wire hangers.  Please no more.  I’ll be good. I’ll be very good.

 BILL: My fair Norma Jean.  I could love you all night long.

 NUGENT: Yeah, you could disappoint her all night long.

 RICK: Marilyn Monroe!  You brought us to the grave of Marilyn Monroe!  I knew we shouldn’t have trusted you.  Kill it, Nuge.

 NUGENT: (Draws his bow)

 BILL: No!!!  Don’t!  We can use her.  We need her.  Who better to distract the zombie JFK?  You don’t honestly believe I brought you here to fulfill some twisted JFK fantasy of mine?

 RICK: No, I’m sure you did exactly that.  This is the Gosnell clinic all over again.  If Michelle wasn’t convinced we needed you, I’d let you get into that coffin with her for good.  Kill it, Ted.

 BILL: No!!! You can’t.  Don’t you understand?  Haven’t you seen the movie?  Oswald won’t be enough on his own.  We need to find the man in the grassy knoll and Hoover and LBJ and Kevin Bacon and that cranky bald guy from The Fugitive, Tommy Lee, I think it was.  So we might as well get Pamela Anderson too.  We need all the help we can get.  Just like in life, the zombie JFK is too powerful.  It will take a worldwide conspiracy to bring him down.

 RICK: Kill it, Ted.

 NUGENT: (Kills it)

 RICK: Come on.  Let’s get back to camp.  I can’t believe we wasted our time like this.

 BILL: (whispering to the grave) Just a moment for the re-deceased.  They don’t understand.  It seems to me you lived your unlife like a candle in the wind.  Blown out too soon yet again.  I would have rocked your world.

DARK, HULKING FIGURE: Your world?  You can say ‘hasta la vista, baby’ to your world.  It is my world now.  I am the Governor.