[High Praise! to Freedom Is Just Another Word]
Archive of entries posted on 12th July 2013
Homemade Death Star Trench Run
Something about the combination of cheesy low-budgetness with the loving attention to detail just sings to my soul:
[YouTube direct link] (Viewer #288,804)
Also available:
Side by side comparison to original and behind the scenes/making of.
A Wise Use of Tax Dollars
A $2.44 million government study concludes that “deportation and loneliness” led former illegal aliens to patronize prostitutes.
Which, I’ve heard, is the leading cause of running for Comptroller of New York City.
Yet Another Reason to Impeach Obama
Link of the Day: More Postponed Implementations
[High Praise! to Vitamin Fred]
More postponed implementations.
[Think you have a link that’s IMAO-worthy? Send it to harvolson@gmail.com. If I use your link, you will receive High Praise! (assuming you remember to put your name in the email)]
You’ve Been Judged!
Anonymiss of Nuking Politics picked her favorite punchlines to President Obama ordered federal employees to report the suspicious actions of their colleagues. These include…
Click here to see if you made the cut.
If you did, you should probably email Keln about becoming a guest blogger there.
If you didn’t, Anonymiss has another straight line for you to practice on.
Keep trying. No one likes a quitter.
Wisdom of the Day: Tuxedo Injured Greek Bush Occupy Oprah Westboro
First class pro-tip: no need to wear a tuxedo. Business casual is fine, although if you CHOOSE to wear a tuxedo, everybody loves it.
— Michael Ian Black (@michaelianblack) July 11, 2013
Ugh. I was just injured at work. I wish lawyers took these kind of cases.
— Dan Ewen (@VaguelyFunnyDan) July 11, 2013
WH has ordered that Greek yogurt be added to school lunch menus. For the rest of the nation, Obama has ordered a Greek economy. #tcot
— Fred Thompson (@fredthompson) July 11, 2013
all i'm saying is no sharknadoes hit america while bush was president #HeKeptUsSafe
— Andy Levy (@andylevy) July 11, 2013
free slurpees at 7-11 today. You did it, Occupy Wall Street, you did it!!!
— Matt Oswalt (@Puddinstrip) July 11, 2013
*kid runs to oprah* hey oprah.. want my coke? "sure kid" *walks away* "hey kid, catch" *turns to see a brand new Kia Sorento flying at him*
— cool as h*ck turtle (@dubstep4dads) July 11, 2013
Westbrook Baptist Church announced it's picketing the funerals of everyone who died in the #SharkNado.
— Rob Carr (@robcarrphoto) July 12, 2013
In Texas, Everyone Just Brings Their Own
A minor league baseball team in Alabama canceled a “Second Amendment Night” promotion after receiving national criticism for their plan to raffle three weapons.
Also unpopular: the replacement theme of “Unarmed Victims Robbed in the Parking Lot Night”.
Obama Warned Us – Nuclear Proliferation
The single biggest threat that we face is a nuclear weapon or some weapon of mass destruction. What that means is that we have to be extraordinarily aggressive and vigilant in controlling nuclear proliferation. We have a nuclear proliferation treaty and strategy that has failed. I think it failed in Iran. It also failed in North Korea. That has to be rewritten and renegotiated.
BARACK OBAMA, debate, Oct. 12, 2004
“I mean, why should these countries have to struggle to develop nuclear capability when America could just give them our weapons for free?”
Important Question: What Percentage of Scientists Are Useless Idiots?
So remember how salt is supposed to be harmful. We’ve heard that forever — the dangers of too much salt. In fact, Bloomberg has wanted to use the law to limit salt in New York restaurants, i.e., if you put too much salt on your food, he will send people armed with guns to stop you because salt is that dangerous as says Science!
Well… about that…
Yep, now they’re saying that salt is not harmful. In fact, increased might actually be beneficial.
Come on!
This raises an important question I think we need to explore as a society. Right now there is this way too high a reverence for Science! and we’re supposed to not question scientists and base our laws based on what they find, but my question is this: What percentage of scientists are useless idiots?
I mean, we all love science because it gave us lasers and computers and nuclear bombs, but my hypothesis is that it’s only a very small percentage of scientists who do any of this useful stuff and the much larger percentage are the ones saying, “Salt is bad for you! …No wait, salt is good for you! No wait…” They’re basically hippies in white coats with lots of pockets — completely useless. Well, except to carry things in their pockets.
My theory is that we revere scientists because we have a long memory for useful findings from scientists — because those we remember years and years later as we still use them — but a short memory for the much much more numerous dumb findings from science, because as soon as they’re disproven we forget them and move on.
The problem is, while it’s obvious a hundred years later which scientific findings are useful, we can’t seem to sort moron scientists from useful in the present day. And that makes the reverence of supposedly scientific findings (and it’s reverence of scientific findings and not science since science is a process and most people don’t engage in it) all the more harmful.
Anyway, if the government will give me millions to scientifically study this subject, I will accept and promise to be a useful scientist and not cause confusion and delay.
Straight Line of the Day: President Obama Said His Favorite Food Is Broccoli. Also on His List of Favorites…
Works like this: I feed you Moon Nukers a straight line, and you hit me with a punch line in the comments.
President Obama said his favorite food is broccoli. Also on his list of favorites…
The Walking Brain-Dead, Part 4
[The camp is sleeping. RICK is sitting by the perpetually burning Volt taking the first watch.]
ZOMBIE JOHN KERRY: (Beckoning toward RICK with his head and speaking through his muzzle.) Ahm nah a zombah.
RICK: What? Are you trying to speak?
ZOMBIE JOHN KERRY: (Nodding his head vigorously) Yaa. Yaaa. Nah a zombah.
RICK: Are you trying to tell me you are not a zombie?
ZOMBIE JOHN KERRY: (Nodding his head vigorously) Yaaaaa. Yaaaa.
RICK: (Pulls his revolver and holds it against Kerry’s temple) I’m gonna pull down your muzzle. If you so much as flinch, I’ll pull the trigger. You understand?
ZOMBIE JOHN KERRY: (Nods once)
RICK: (Pulls down the muzzle)
ZOMBIE JOHN KERRY: Oh, thank Marx. John Kerry reporting for duty. I’d salute you, but that crazy wench cut my arms off.
RICK: What about the other one? Is she not a zombie either?
KERRY: Oh, I’m pretty sure Nancy’s been a zombie for years. Her brain activity flat-lined over a decade ago. She’s been trying to hide the deterioration with the Botox, but we insiders have suspected it for a long time.
RICK: That makes no sense. Then why hadn’t she been feasting upon Congress for all those years?
KERRY: For the same reason I’m still uneaten right now. For some reason, the zombies left most of the Senators and Representatives completely alone. They would see us and just amble right on by. Like we weren’t even there. Occasionally they would sniff my head and give a grunt of disgust, but that was the worst of it. It makes perfect sense when you think of it. We are the intellectual elites, so I figure our brains are way too rich for the zombies, so they just leave us be.
RICK: Yeah, I’m sure that’s the reason.
KERRY: I was completely safe until that crazy lady came along. I did what you are supposed to do when the zombies come out to play. I went to the mall. I was gonna get me a chainsaw, but I couldn’t figure out how to start any of the ones I could lift, and I got blisters just picking up the axes, so I headed up the escalator to try on some pumps and maybe see if there was any Just For Men that hadn’t been looted yet. And some bath salts, perhaps. But, half way up the escalator, the power suddenly went out. I was trapped between floors on the escalator. I didn’t know what to do. I sat and waited for a bit, but I got bored with my own thought. So I called for security to help, and they came, but they were all zombies. And before you know it, both the up and the down sides of the escalator were overrun, and I was pinned there among zombies who were clearly not happy to see me. I hadn’t felt so unwelcome since the 2004 Democratic National Convention.
RICK: So I guess you are gonna tell me how you heroically escaped now?
KERRY: Oh no. I was good and trapped. Until Michelle showed up. No matter what I said, she refused to believe I wasn’t a zombie cause why weren’t the zombies eating me? And before I knew it, I was muzzled and armless and chained next to Nancy. At least Nancy has stopped trying to seduce me at night. I can’t stand women. Unless they have exorbitant amounts of money. Then I can pretend. But Nancy only had a large amount. Not nearly enough.
RICK: So what can you tell me about Michelle? She seems a little off to me.
KERRY: Loony toons! What do you think? She cut my freakin’ arms off. And she’s carting me around like some zombie pet. She’s full on Beckel-on-a-binge nuts! Has she told you her theory yet?
RICK: The one about the telepromptor and the zombie-free zones?
KERRY: Oh no. Not that one. The crazy one. I swallowed ObamaCare, Anthropogenic Global Warming and John Edwards’ fidelity, but I can’t even get this past my lips. Michelle is convinced that this zombie outbreak is the natural consequences of bad nutrition. And she thinks if we can just get the zombies to follow her nutrition guidelines, they will settle down and be normal, productive members of society again. You gotta help me. I’m wasting away. You know what I have had to endure for the last seven months. Nothing but force fed wheat grass smoothies. Every freakin’ day. Your brain sounds sooooooo tasty right now. I’m actually drooling.
RICK: Well, I think I’ve heard enough for now. (Begins to put the muzzle back on Kerry).
KERRY: No. Wait what are you doi….
RICK: You politicians talk too much. And my father proudly served in Viet Nam. In a swift boat. Good night, zombie John Kerry. I doubt we’ll talk again.
When cheetahs attack
Image: CBS/Letterman
As the actor bends down next to a small pond, the adult cheetah goes behind him and leaps on to his back.
Sandler attempts to stand up while the keeper rushes to get the cat off. The animal finally moves away but not before appearing to get its claws into Sandler’s back and arm.
That story gave me chills. I mean, wild animals attempting to take out Adam Sandler when there are so many more deserving targets like Jay-Z, Alec Baldwin, and Justin Bieber running around?
Truthfully, I would not like to see Adam Sandler attacked by a cheetah. And you wouldn’t either, if you were honest with yourself.
But, like me, there are plenty of others that could use a good cheetah mauling. Like the three I mentioned.
What about you? No, not you being attacked by a cheetah. Who would you like to see attacked by a cheetah? That’s not a horrible thing to wish on someone, is it?
Random Thoughts: Sharknado and Lesser Things
I’m completely confounded on why courtroom sketch artist is still a thing.
So few people brew coffee and not coffee-flavored water.
I think the solution to the student loan crisis is to stop having the government stupidly guarantee student loans. Or is that too simple?
The marketplace is a wild animal. When you try to constrain it, it will lash out and maul you.
They should make it a rule that if you win an Oscar for acting, you then have to do a role in a SyFy original movie pro bono.
My daughter really likes this Mr. Rogers spinoff cartoon, though I just want to keep yelling at it for its bastardization of my childhood.
Theory: Only small percentage of scientists contribute anything useful to society and rest are idiots telling us not to eat salt and crap.
I assume after Sharknado airs, the SyFy channel is just going to shut down because you can’t top that.
If you’re a scientist and someone asks you if a Sharknado is possible, the answer is, “Of course. Anything is possible.”
My plan for immigration reform is to conquer all the world so everywhere is America and it’s now a moot point. #FrankJ2016
Actually, I don’t like that idea because I like deporting people too much. I guess we can use Antarctica for that.
People are too down on men lately. They should have a month devoted to inventions and contributions to society by men.
Why don’t we start with listing some inventions made by men. I’ll start: The can opener. #MenHistory
So, the economy… what happened to that?
I thought I explained this, but it’s a tornado filled with sharks.
I have a bachelor’s in science from Carnegie Mellon, so all I need is a white lab coat and I’m a scientist, right?
“Knee is acting up; that means a Sharknado is coming.”
SyFy, I’d be great casting for a future movie as the scientist who explains the phenomenon. I’ll even bring my own lab coat and jargon.
“You see, not only is a Sharknado possible, it was inevitable.”
“This is bland and tasteless! It will take some real marketing to get any suckers to pay for it.” -first person to drink water
“If it doesn’t have a Sharknado in it, I don’t even want to hear the pitch.” -every movie executive from now on
So did Sharknado meet expectations? Because expectations were quite high.
I don’t actually have cable, so I didn’t watch Sharknado last night. But I remotely set my mom’s DVR to record for next time I visit.
I hope my mom isn’t confused when she sees Sharknado on the DVR – but how could you be confused by it? It is what it says.
I just realized that if a Sharknado were to hit Idaho, I don’t even own a chainsaw.
So Sharknado on cable and a movie of giant robots punching giant monsters in the theater – we’ve finally figured out culture.
I don’t know how you top Sharknado. May have to do a movie version of Bearmageddon.
The Soy Milk of Human Kindness
A vegan extremist website is taking ex-vegans to task for betraying the cause by publishing “The Vegan Sell Out List.”
That’s weird… vegans trying to make people eat crow.