I’m completely confounded on why courtroom sketch artist is still a thing.

So few people brew coffee and not coffee-flavored water.

I think the solution to the student loan crisis is to stop having the government stupidly guarantee student loans. Or is that too simple?

The marketplace is a wild animal. When you try to constrain it, it will lash out and maul you.

They should make it a rule that if you win an Oscar for acting, you then have to do a role in a SyFy original movie pro bono.

My daughter really likes this Mr. Rogers spinoff cartoon, though I just want to keep yelling at it for its bastardization of my childhood.

Theory: Only small percentage of scientists contribute anything useful to society and rest are idiots telling us not to eat salt and crap.

I assume after Sharknado airs, the SyFy channel is just going to shut down because you can’t top that.

If you’re a scientist and someone asks you if a Sharknado is possible, the answer is, “Of course. Anything is possible.”

My plan for immigration reform is to conquer all the world so everywhere is America and it’s now a moot point. #FrankJ2016

Actually, I don’t like that idea because I like deporting people too much. I guess we can use Antarctica for that.

People are too down on men lately. They should have a month devoted to inventions and contributions to society by men.

Why don’t we start with listing some inventions made by men. I’ll start: The can opener. #MenHistory

So, the economy… what happened to that?

I thought I explained this, but it’s a tornado filled with sharks.

I have a bachelor’s in science from Carnegie Mellon, so all I need is a white lab coat and I’m a scientist, right?

“Knee is acting up; that means a Sharknado is coming.”

SyFy, I’d be great casting for a future movie as the scientist who explains the phenomenon. I’ll even bring my own lab coat and jargon.

“You see, not only is a Sharknado possible, it was inevitable.”

“This is bland and tasteless! It will take some real marketing to get any suckers to pay for it.” -first person to drink water

“If it doesn’t have a Sharknado in it, I don’t even want to hear the pitch.” -every movie executive from now on

So did Sharknado meet expectations? Because expectations were quite high.

I don’t actually have cable, so I didn’t watch Sharknado last night. But I remotely set my mom’s DVR to record for next time I visit.

I hope my mom isn’t confused when she sees Sharknado on the DVR – but how could you be confused by it? It is what it says.

I just realized that if a Sharknado were to hit Idaho, I don’t even own a chainsaw.

So Sharknado on cable and a movie of giant robots punching giant monsters in the theater – we’ve finally figured out culture.

I don’t know how you top Sharknado. May have to do a movie version of Bearmageddon.